I have a lot on my mind today. I’ve been thinking about all the changes that have taken place in my life over the past few months. I think it’s safe to say that all of them have been for the better. so I think it’s time to make a few changes in my attitude to enhance it all for myself and for the people I care about. I’ve spent my whole life thinking of certain events as inevitable or fated or predestined. I’ve put ridiculous amounts of faith in omens, portents, karma, superstition, you name it. and all it has ever done for me is made me terrified. it keeps me from enjoying the good things in my life. it keeps me constantly on edge, waiting for things to go sour. or—worse—it keeps me blindly convinced that good fortune is just around the corner when I’m feeling low. “fortune.” I mean, get real, folks. I expend too much mental energy analyzing why a certain song was on the radio at a certain time, or whether picking up pennies is good luck or not (I mean, it’s money regardless). and I think it’s time I see it all for what it is: horse shit. we make our own destinies. we control the future. I’m not saying that I don’t believe in a higher power; of course I do. and I’m not saying that He doesn’t exert influence over every one of us. I just have to believe that nothing is fixed. that courses can be altered. that we aren’t helpless to put a stop to a chain reaction. and you know what? it’s going to make me a hell of a lot happier.

crazy few days. moved into the new apartment (with much help from my AWESOME pals and relations), and it is amazing. it's only about half a block north of fisher park, so the neighborhood is fab. the building dates from 1924: high ceilings, hardwood floors, truly unique plumbing fixtures. and it's the first time I've ever had a dining room, complete with chandelier. it has some drawbacks—third floor walk-up, no dishwasher, street parking only—but I think the advantages are more than worth it. especially considering that it's cheaper and MUCH larger than the others I considered. I've got to do a bit of painting to make it perfect, but all in all I'm stoked.

I hope that my friends and family have set a precedent there, as well. so far it's almost never empty of great people. my open door policy has seem to have taken hold, and I'm thrilled. it's strange to be living alone, so it's nice that I'm usually, well, not.

I just wish that I was as happy at work as I am at home. my office is such an awkward, depressing place for me to be. even the people there that I consider my friends don't make me entirely comfortable these days. I have such great afternoons hanging out with folks, running around town, or just sitting at home. but when it's time to go to work my mood plummets. tonight I was really afraid I'd have a panic attack at one point. when it comes to my co-workers, it just feels like there's me...and there's them. I know how paranoid that sounds, but things are just so...well, polarized, I guess. as someone who genuinely likes to get along with everyone, that's hard for me. the problem is, I've wracked my brain trying to think of ways to make it better. I keep coming up empty. there are things that I could do, but I can only envision them making the situation worse. I can't change jobs. I'm qualified for a whole lot of nothing. besides, I still truly like the job itself. all I can do is suck it up. hard to do when the place you spend most of your waking hours is the place you least want to be.


I never have been good at seeing the glass as half full. for now, it's maybe….two-fifths.

only in texas.

this is one of the stupidest, most offensive things I've seen in a very long time. the kinda thing that makes you just hate the whole world. grr!

sorry I haven't updated in so long. I've been waiting for...life to stabilize. but if I wait on total stability, I don't know when I'll ever be writing here. most people reading this already know that the past few weeks have been--without question--the darkest period of my life. I've had my share of tough times before, but I honestly never believed that just getting through a day could be so hard. if not for my parents' support I seriously doubt that I would be alive to write this. I mean that literally. several aspects of my life that had been running fairly smoothly fell completely apart at once, and it was more than I could handle and still function. I took a little "vacation," and mom stayed with me for a while as well. I've been able to rely on my good old friends, and even made some funky new ones. I'm only just starting to believe that there might be a tiny bit of hope for any lasting happiness in the future, but haven't convinced myself quite yet. and I'm still not at a place where I wake up every day and am glad that I did, sad to say. logically I know that eventually I'll get past it all. but emotionally I just can't say that now. I'm sorry to report that if 2008.5 is going to happen after all, it's going to be late. but I'm working on it. I'm working as hard as I can, promise.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! the horror! the horror!

dorkdom alert: I made a line graph of what my moods have been like for this first half of 2008. I began with late january because life was relatively static until then. the baseline can be said to represent "contentment:"



I'd really like to become a citizen of forvik, but I don't actively have anything against the british government. I might settle for the aerican empire, but it just doesn't seem as cool somehow, even if they do lay claim to territory on mars.