I had one of THOSE nights at work. I've gotten so used to my job being predictable and smooth that the slightest little thing going off kilter gets me bent out of shape. if there was liquor in the house I'd say I need a drink. but wishes, horses. I'll just say I need kool aid. that I can satisfy.

still not over the ring. it's like when you first go out driving alone after getting your license. it feels great, it feels like the thing to do. but at the same time it feels naughty, like you're expecting someone to stop you. well, ain't nobody stopping this, muthafucka. if the world comes to an end tomorrow, vows are getting said during the apocalyptic fallout.

I always make resolutions, and I always break them. the sensible thing to do is not make any.

my resolutions for 2005
1) lose ten pounds.
2) until april, save every other paycheck for the house. after april, save at least $100 per week.
3) be a better correspondent where my friends are concerned.
4) make a definite decision about my career path and schooling.
5) be the best fiance in the world.

number five is of most importance. it encompasses keeping my relationship happy, healthy, and interesting, being open minded about wedding plans and contributing good ideas of my own, and getting said plans arranged in a timely fashion.

yikes. losing ten pounds seems pretty easy, eh?

so I was going to wait a bit on this, but since justin did a blog post and it's all too easy to link there from here, now seems to be the time.

I got an engagement ring for Christmas.

did we move fast? sure we did. but I'm just as sure that it's the right thing. I wouldn't have accepted otherwise. I really believe that neither justin nor myself has ever been more sure of a decision. although there's still some shock yet to wear off. I keep looking down at the third left and thinking, "wow, it's there. it's really there." it seems impossible, somehow.

answers to FAQs:
1) Christmas night, about 11:30 pm. us, the floor in front of my unused fireplace, our other gifts and torn wrapping paper surrounding. it was inside a box inside a box inside a box inside a box. no official popping of the question--he was that sure, dammit. my reply to unasked question: "you did remember my size?"
2) white gold with five diamonds. the pics were blurry or I'd show y'all here. soon he'll be receiving one from me...seems only fair.
3) spring/fall 2006. gives us time to get the house settled and make the needed plans. and gives justin time to come to his senses, should he make the unfortunate choice to do so.
4) we might go to ma or vt, not sure yet. but there will be a ceremony/reception in nc.

but the whole sitch helps answer one of my questions too, one that's been buggin me for years. several times I've thought I've been in love, but it never lasted. I once asked a wise friend her advice. her take was that, if you can easily imagine spending the rest of your life with someone, then it's love. that seemed sensible enough. but now that I've got the real mccoy, I know that it entails a lot more.

for one thing: can you easily imagine spending the rest of your life without said person? if not, that's a good sign.

for another: does every dream of yours, every goal you have, everything you strive for, suddenly have new meaning and purpose? by that I mean--do you suddenly start thinking of those things in terms of how they apply to your relationship? another good indicator.

however, listen up, folks, because THIS is the strongest sign of all: you know you're in love when you realize that you're scared as hell...all the time. you're afraid because, no matter how wonderful things are, there's always a chance that something could happen. maybe nothing with either of you personally, but something caused by outside forces. you're afraid because, if something did happen, your life wouldn't mean anything anymore. and all the little scares, all the phobias, everything that you've feared before--none of it frightens you for the sake of "me" anymore. it frightens you for "us." that's love, friends.

but I'll tell you something else. it's worth it. I have much more than I deserve; chalk it up to being incredibly, insanely lucky. as unsure as I tend to be about my future, it's wonderful to feel so certain about something so amazing.

I'm the happiest guy in the world.

a few Christmas pics in thousand words. more to come.

as per usual, Christmas day was a slow one--lots of sleep for yours truly. the evening got off to a rocky start, but ended on a high note truly worth writing about. but not tonight. in a few days, once I collect my thoughts a bit more...