I have a lot on my mind today. I’ve been thinking about all the changes that have taken place in my life over the past few months. I think it’s safe to say that all of them have been for the better. so I think it’s time to make a few changes in my attitude to enhance it all for myself and for the people I care about. I’ve spent my whole life thinking of certain events as inevitable or fated or predestined. I’ve put ridiculous amounts of faith in omens, portents, karma, superstition, you name it. and all it has ever done for me is made me terrified. it keeps me from enjoying the good things in my life. it keeps me constantly on edge, waiting for things to go sour. or—worse—it keeps me blindly convinced that good fortune is just around the corner when I’m feeling low. “fortune.” I mean, get real, folks. I expend too much mental energy analyzing why a certain song was on the radio at a certain time, or whether picking up pennies is good luck or not (I mean, it’s money regardless). and I think it’s time I see it all for what it is: horse shit. we make our own destinies. we control the future. I’m not saying that I don’t believe in a higher power; of course I do. and I’m not saying that He doesn’t exert influence over every one of us. I just have to believe that nothing is fixed. that courses can be altered. that we aren’t helpless to put a stop to a chain reaction. and you know what? it’s going to make me a hell of a lot happier.

crazy few days. moved into the new apartment (with much help from my AWESOME pals and relations), and it is amazing. it's only about half a block north of fisher park, so the neighborhood is fab. the building dates from 1924: high ceilings, hardwood floors, truly unique plumbing fixtures. and it's the first time I've ever had a dining room, complete with chandelier. it has some drawbacks—third floor walk-up, no dishwasher, street parking only—but I think the advantages are more than worth it. especially considering that it's cheaper and MUCH larger than the others I considered. I've got to do a bit of painting to make it perfect, but all in all I'm stoked.

I hope that my friends and family have set a precedent there, as well. so far it's almost never empty of great people. my open door policy has seem to have taken hold, and I'm thrilled. it's strange to be living alone, so it's nice that I'm usually, well, not.

I just wish that I was as happy at work as I am at home. my office is such an awkward, depressing place for me to be. even the people there that I consider my friends don't make me entirely comfortable these days. I have such great afternoons hanging out with folks, running around town, or just sitting at home. but when it's time to go to work my mood plummets. tonight I was really afraid I'd have a panic attack at one point. when it comes to my co-workers, it just feels like there's me...and there's them. I know how paranoid that sounds, but things are just so...well, polarized, I guess. as someone who genuinely likes to get along with everyone, that's hard for me. the problem is, I've wracked my brain trying to think of ways to make it better. I keep coming up empty. there are things that I could do, but I can only envision them making the situation worse. I can't change jobs. I'm qualified for a whole lot of nothing. besides, I still truly like the job itself. all I can do is suck it up. hard to do when the place you spend most of your waking hours is the place you least want to be.


I never have been good at seeing the glass as half full. for now, it's maybe….two-fifths.

only in texas.

this is one of the stupidest, most offensive things I've seen in a very long time. the kinda thing that makes you just hate the whole world. grr!

sorry I haven't updated in so long. I've been waiting for...life to stabilize. but if I wait on total stability, I don't know when I'll ever be writing here. most people reading this already know that the past few weeks have been--without question--the darkest period of my life. I've had my share of tough times before, but I honestly never believed that just getting through a day could be so hard. if not for my parents' support I seriously doubt that I would be alive to write this. I mean that literally. several aspects of my life that had been running fairly smoothly fell completely apart at once, and it was more than I could handle and still function. I took a little "vacation," and mom stayed with me for a while as well. I've been able to rely on my good old friends, and even made some funky new ones. I'm only just starting to believe that there might be a tiny bit of hope for any lasting happiness in the future, but haven't convinced myself quite yet. and I'm still not at a place where I wake up every day and am glad that I did, sad to say. logically I know that eventually I'll get past it all. but emotionally I just can't say that now. I'm sorry to report that if 2008.5 is going to happen after all, it's going to be late. but I'm working on it. I'm working as hard as I can, promise.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! the horror! the horror!

dorkdom alert: I made a line graph of what my moods have been like for this first half of 2008. I began with late january because life was relatively static until then. the baseline can be said to represent "contentment:"



I'd really like to become a citizen of forvik, but I don't actively have anything against the british government. I might settle for the aerican empire, but it just doesn't seem as cool somehow, even if they do lay claim to territory on mars.

in fortune cookie last night: "bide your time, for success is near." y'know, when baked goods start giving you exactly the same advice as your friends, I think that entitles you to go on a killing spree if they turn out to be wrong. so unless you want your world to be covered in a crushed cookie sprinkled blood bath, I'm thinking there had better be some fingers crossed for the old Jermeister.

toes, too.

I could write about what life is like right now. but this video clip sums it all up better than I can.

for the first time in my life tonight, someone spoke to me with what sounded like pure, unadulterated hatred in their voice.

I just can't win, can I?

s (small) silver lining in the gas price snafu: gm wants to sell hummer.

ha, ha.

did I mention that I got my tongue pierced? it's nifty.

addictive substance: pom pomegranate peach passion white tea. wish it wasn't so expensive.

gearing up for a nyc trip next week. anybody in the manhattan/brooklyn/etc urrea wants to hang with me--not this weekend but next weekend--hit me up.

I ever meet this guy, I'm proposing marriage right there and then.

okay, here's the deal. it is now june, so for all intents and purposes 2008 will be half over as of the end of the month. I know that's not exact, but six months is six months. I'm speaking to the Hand of Fate, to the Cosmos, to whatever forces drive the business of my life independent of my own actions.

I want a do-over.

starting july first, I say we just consider the remainder of 2008 its own year. 2008.5, 2008 redux, 2008 final draft, what have you. I'd really like to see some wrongs righted. I'd like to get up every day without dreading what fresh hell is next. I'd like to open the umbrella and NOT have it be raining from underneath. and in all honesty, I'm not interested in justice. I'm not interested in what is "fair." what I want is for things to go my way this time. I ask all this respectfully and with the inkling that just maybe I deserve some better fortune than what I've experienced since this past january or so.

pretty please with sugar on top?

I remember when I was a very little girl, our house caught on fire.
I'll never forget the look on my father's face as he gathered me up
In his arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a fire?"

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is, my friends, then let's keep dancing.
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is.

And when I was twelve years old my father took me to a circus--the greatest show on earth.
There were clowns and elephants and dancing bears.
And a beautiful lady in pink tights flew high above our heads.
And so I sat there watching the marvelous spectacle.
I had the feeling that something was missing;
I don't know what. But when it was over
I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a circus?

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing.
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is.

Then I fell in love, head over heels in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day he went away. And I thought I'd die...but I didn't.
And when I didn't I said to myself, "is that all there is to love?"

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing.

I know what you must be saying to yourselves.
If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no, not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment.
For I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you
When that final moment comes and I'm breathing my last breath
I'll be saying to myself:

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing.
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is.

--Peggy Lee

[author's note: okay, sometimes I feel the need to post lyrics.]

let's say for a moment that I am the most respected person in the world. I have all the money I could ever spend, all the power I could ever wield, and everyone is willing and obligated to do exactly as I say.

[takes cold shower, returns]

okay, so given that scenario I'd like to hire celebrities as my support staff. I've put some serious thought into this. here are the nominees and my reasoning.

valet: william moseley. because valets should be british, after all. and it would start the most delicious rumors.

administrative assistant: jenna fischer. it's less about the fact that she plays a receptionist on "the office" and more about the fact that she actually types 85 wpm. handy. and come on! pam as your gal friday! fantastic.

driver: nicholas cage. did his own stunt driving in gone in sixty seconds. and he can look really threatening when he has to. (sidenote--it would DEFINITELY be steve mcqueen if he was still living, though)

housekeeper: cameron diaz. has OCD, so should do a bang-up job. and again, good rumor fodder.

poolboy: david faustino. I actually came up with this one yeeeears ago. I'm not sure why. I just really like the idea.

chef: christopher walken. at least we know he can roast a chicken.

landscaper: rick moranis. think about it. hard, if necessary. if you still don't know why, let me know. I'll berate you briefly and explain.

a research study has shown that people who drive black cars tend to have self-confidence levels that are 14.6% below average.

hi, angelus. hi, eartha. does this mean that my self-confidence is 29.2% low?

because that would make sense.

also: thanks to catie braly for this link.

and furthermore: though I nevernevernever post song lyrics here, I've been listening to this one on repeat lately a lot more than is healthy, so:

"Kathleen"

all the other girls here are stars—you are the Northern Lights
they try to shine in through your curtains—you’re too close and too bright
they try and they try but everything that they do
is the ghost of a trace of a pale imitation of you
I’ll be the one to drive you back home Kathleen
this party is made with the night air and the chance that a smile
will wind its way from your face to one of the boys in your line
you act like you’re hip to their tricks and you’re strong
but a virgin Wurlitzer heart never once had a song
I’ll be the one to drive you back home Kathleen
and I’ll have you back by break of day
I’m going your way anyway
and if you’d like to come along
I’ll be yours for a song
I know you are waiting and I know that it is not for me
but I’m here and I’m ready and I’ve saved you the passenger seat
I won’t be your last dance just your last goodnight
every heart is a package tangled up in knots someone else tied
I’ll be the one to drive you back home Kathleen
so crawl up your trellis and quietly back into your room
and I’ll coast down the length of your drive by the light of the moon
and the next time I see you—a new kind of hello
both our hearts have a secret only both of us know
‘bout the night that I drove you back home Kathleen

--Josh Ritter

this is going to sound stereotypical, but there's no denying it lately. the ladies in my life give me...well, some problems, but nothing out of line. it's the men that are the issue. here's what I want: I want to sit down one-on-one with every guy that I encounter regularly--friends, relatives, co-workers, even some I don't really know--and give them performance reviews. I want to discuss their roles in my life and how they should be modified (or not). I want to give ultimatums and dictate appropriate behavior. and I'd better see note taking and attentive expressions. when it comes down to it, I might even have to do some downsizing.

bunch of lousy pig fuckers. sorry, that was my inside voice.

I...I really don't know what to say about this, honestly. I just...think people should read it.

as anyone who has known me for more than five minutes can attest, I am a devotee of all things brideshead revisited. the book is magnificent. the bbc miniseries is a gem. now there's the new film from miramax, which--judging by the trailer--glosses over the religious symbolism of the text and bbc version in favor of sensation, scandal, and even more homosexual overtones.

I can't frigging wait to see it. I am now officially a heathen.

in my years of psychological study I never remember hearing about the capgras delusion. granted it sounds terrible, but what a band name!