anyone who lives in, has ever lived in, or has ever heard of the triad should read this.

james bond should NOT be blond. I feel very strongly about this.

worst radio edit of a song ever: "walk on the wild side." I understand the necessity for a bleep or two, but one entire verse gets cut out and the other verses are strung together. the choruses are cut, but then one chorus gets tacked onto the end. jeez, why bother to even play it?

all things considered, I have a wonderful life. my job isn't exactly what I want to be doing, but I'm lucky to have it. I have fabulous friends, a spiffy house, and the greatest guy ever to share it all with. in the grand scheme of things, this is the happiest I've ever been.

maybe it's this happiness that has made me feel so overcome with guilt about things I've done before. mistakes that I've made in relationships years past keep surfacing in my mind like corpses. several times before men--beautiful, intelligent, caring men--have hung their hopes on me, planned the rest of their lives around a relationship with yours truly. obviously I'm glad that those relationships didn't pan out, but each time I've been the one to smash their dreams. I could never do that to justin, nor would I ever want to. and I'm older and hopefully wiser now. but that doesn't stop me lying awake and thinking of the promises that I've made and broken.

a lot of it comes down to this memory that's on a continuous loop in my mind lately. I'm in the apartment of...well, let's call him fred. I'm in fred's basement apartment waiting for him to come home from work. fred loves me, and I love fred. we've been together exclusively for several months and have already spoken of a lifetime commitment. I'm sitting on the sofa when I see his car pull in. he gets out and runs down the stairs. he runs. just because I'm there.

I broke it off with him four months later, in a cowardly and juvenile fashion. but even if I'd done it diplomatically I'd be bothered. we were supposed to be the rest of each other's lives. but I think that part of me knew all the time that it wasn't right. I guess that's what really gets to me in each of these past romances. part of me knew, but I kept smiling and nodding. sure, my relationships tend to move fast, often before I realize what I'm getting into. and in each case I really did believe--for a while--that "it" COULD work. but none of these justifications can undo what I did.

maybe it just speaks to the depth of my feelings for justin that I feel this way. if anything happened to us I'd be destroyed. in addition to the "relationship survivor's guilt" of late, I've started developing disturbing takes on other issues. the remarriage of a widow/widower, for instance. if someone completely gives him/herself over to someone else who dies, how could he/she dare to make a similar commitment to another person? if the spouse was truly loved in the first place, how can the survivor even entertain the notion of picking up the pieces and moving on with someone new? call me radical, but I just couldn't.

sorry to ramble so much. but I wouldn't be awake at 6:00 on a sunday morning if I hadn't been preoccupied all night. well, maybe I can get some rest now.

the first thousand words update in a while: six shiny tate street festival pictures. wish I'd taken more, but there it is.

I'm going to try and revive the lost art of letter writing. not e-mails, not postcards, but letters. thanks to electronic communication and such, people are forgetting how to properly structure correspondence. ten years from now people probably won't be able to indent a paragraph or align a salutation to save their lives. not me, uh uh. I respect grammar too much. so I'm going to order some good quality personalized stationery and get a wax seal made with my scottish family crest on it to make em look swank. if you find this pretentious, well...yes, I agree. but it's a great idea, no? so many of y'all can expect requests for snail mail addresses from me soon, hopefully.

it's sad that so many regional department store chains are being sucked under, but I can't help being excited that the big unnecessary hecht's on bridford parkway will soon be the big unnecessary macy's.

had a swell time at the tate street festival today with carra, julie, emily, ashley, and a host of guilford characters that have made only an occasional guest appearance for the last couple of seasons. I really do need to work on infusing some new--or old--blood into the series before my life gets cancelled. I don't even want to THINK about how many millions of households aren't watching me these days.

it's official. villarosa = best marinara sauce ever. next time I go I should just ask them to fill up one of the tea pitchers with it so I can pour it over everything liberally. well, maybe not the tiramisu.

so much good stuff in the news! click on these:

sweet!
woo hoo!
bitchin!

also, I found these amusing:

Wedding Etiquette

A couple of things you should know before a Vermont same-sex wedding.....

1) On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.

2) Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have: Something bold, something fierce, Something trashy, something dirty.

3) It's customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an open bar during the ceremony.

4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating wedding cake because it's all carbs.

5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.

6) During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or handheld lasers.

7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival drag queen.

8) A local saying from colonial Northampton: A lesbian who owns a horse will never tell a lie, But a lesbian who votes Republican will leave you for a guy.

9) The wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing Let's hear it for the boy, YMCA or I will Survive.

10) The father of the Bottom pays for everything!

wouldn't it be nice if you could take a leave of absence from your life?

but I suppose, like taking a leave from work, there's the danger that you won't want to go back.

sorry. not in the best of moods lately, I guess.

this makes me happy.

just need to sound off for a minute. I read an infuriating editorial yesterday in which the author actually had the nerve to gleefully tout $4-5 per gallon gas prices as a means of sticking it to the nation's SUV drivers. I'm the first to decry the SUV craze as wasteful, but what about people in my position? I already drive a car that gets 30+ miles per gallon, but I have an unavoidable 50 mile (round trip) commute per day. moving closer to work is out of the question, as is leaving my company. given staggered shifts and varied overtime, car pooling is not a viable option for me either. last but not least, I REALLY don't need to hear opinions like that from someone in D.C., a city with a commendable public transportation system. in short: stick it.

while I'm on the subject, some more information I dug up: guy A goes to his local toyota dealership and buys a new corolla. guy B goes to the same dealership and buys a prius. both guys drive an average of 15,000 miles per year. "ha ha!" says B. "this little number will save me enough money at the pump to pay for itself!" the awful truth? over the next five years, the only way that he can come out ahead of guy A and his corolla is if gas prices immediately rise to over $10.00 per gallon and stay there. wow, let's hope not.

anyone else psyched about corpse bride? I know I am.

as for print entertainment, I'm currently reading john irving's setting free the bears. granted I've got 200 pages to go--that I will finish--but as of right now...wow, what a pretentious load of bull. we've got viennese milkmen beating horses, naked guys running outside and biting people on their necks, and policemen forcing innocent bystanders to be beekeepers. and somehow it all ties in with vietnam.

so I got to work tonight and within two hours developed a nasty headache. it got progressively worse while the office seemed to get obnoxiously bright. to cap it all off, I got nauseated. goody's powder couldn't touch these symptoms, and I had an odd suspicion as to what might be causing them. I drove home with the windows down, changed my shirt and rinsed off a bit, and shortly thereafter felt fine. diagnosis: migrane headache brought on my the scent of my favorite cologne--which I hadn't worn for several weeks. can reactions like that develop so suddenly? if so, then I guess that $50 worth of dkny be delicious will go to waste.

speaking of money, I'm stressed beyond belief. I really feel that working during the day would make me much happier at this point. with the pay cut, we might JUST be able to pay the bills...as long as josh was living with us. if he moved out and we couldn't rent his room, we'd be forced to sell the house.

and there's still another issue. working days would make me feel pressured to go to grad school. but what for? will someone please tell me what my mission in life is already? I currently have a great job that I love and co-workers that I adore. it's just that I hate being away from justin. jeez, life is frustrating.

time for current events with jeremy:

scott peterson. not one of the world's finer individuals. there's no true defense of cold blooded murder, certainly not under the circumstances in which he committed it. I'm sure that the majority is with me when I say that he is, in fact, a vile human being. I rejoiced when he was found guilty. although I'm vehemently against the death penalty, I can't muster up any sympathy for him. he's scum, vermin, a monster.

none of this changes the fact that he's hot.

go ahead. gasp, clutch your chest, think me a heartless son of a bitch. but somewhere deep down inside, you know it's true.

yeah, yeah. the bill's going to be "terminated." I get it, we ALL get it.

speaking of homos, I was driving home the other night and realized that I'd like to move to san francisco. right now. the crisp air, the great chinese food, and the stunning scenery would more than make up for the fact that the sidewalks roll up even earlier than they do here. I just have to convince justin, buy some trendy clothes so I won't feel underdressed, and find a job paying twice what I make now so I can afford to eat. then there's josh and rachel...well, I guess gso will have to do for now.

hard to believe that it'll soon be time to dry clean the old sweaters. strike me down if you want, but I'm so glad that summer's almost over. bearable temperatures, holidays, and--yes, that's right--movies that are worth watching. I've got an eye on the indies, you'd better believe it. if anyone gets to see either thumbsucker or junebug before I do, let me know how they are (note to shana: junebug = alessandro nivola. reason enough).

does anyone else find it disturbing/appalling that, despite the recent oil crisis, the wheels of nascar keep on turnin? on top of the obvious big issues that this nation has, these little issues just keep me convinced me that, across the pond, our british cousins are just shaking their heads in dismay in our general direction. of course, there's no need to look that far. I'm sure that the head shaking in canada has made the populace look like they're watching a tennis match. lucky bastards.

hallelujah!

things I learned this weekend:

1) the black gay pride celebration in atlanta is very well attended.
2) dragoncon, also very popular.
3) the previous two events, when combined, make for fascinating people spotting.
4) bone's in atl = best steak ever.
5) never try a product called "bitter apertif" from italy.

all in all, we had a fabulous time.

words to live by: "save a horse. ride a cowboy."

I spent my drive home from work thinking out the particulars of a superpower that would essentially be the ability to change people/things that I didn't like into fish sticks. talk about ending world hunger. I don't like a lot of things.

I came home and ate a lot of fish sticks, too.

[NO ADDERALL+NO CAFFEINE / HOUR OF OVERTIME] (squared) = most kafka-esque night at work ever.

best way to spend twelve minutes and ten seconds of free time: listening to "the low spark of high heeled boys" by traffic. it's also a great way to get from furnitureland south in jamestown to my parking space at work--said drive also takes exactly twelve minutes and ten seconds, give or take a chord or two.

seeing cars parked in isolated areas at night with their parking lights on is creepy.

still diggin the ipod.

am taking justin to atlanta this weekend as an early anniversary present. room at the ritz-carlton, fun at ikea and the world of coca cola, etcetera. it'll be a nice change from the norm.

my throat has been incredibly swollen for almost a week. I think it's just sinus problems. I hope, anyway.

[insert pointless, whiny complaint about gas prices here]

that's all for the moment.

it's official; I've joined the dark side. today I bought an ipod mini. but since justin did as well, at least I'll have evil company. do I need it? no. what am I going to use it for? not completely sure yet. but it looked good on paper. and it sure is cute. don't worry--I can say with ABSOLUTE certainty that I will not be putting either of the included apple stickers on any of my belongings. those people frighten me.

mom's doing really well. her physical therapy is intense but not impossible. tuesday's her birthday, and I wish I could be there for it! josh's was today. he'll enjoy being 24. there's something unsettling about one's age being a prime number. my 23rd year kept me on pins and needles.

that's pretty much it for the excitement. besides, it's either put the laundry in the dryer or let it mildew. I'm thinking dryer.

update: do NOT buy the plastic test tube shooters. ever smelled airplane glue? imagine that odor as a taste.

well, it's the apocalpyse. after ten years of dial up my parents got dsl. I just don't know what to do.

anyway, mom's surgery went great. she's in some pain, but not from the leg--instead of doing the surgery under general anesthesia they decided to go the safer route and use a spinal anesthetic, and her back is bothering her. but she could get to come home as early as tomorrow, probably monday if not.

I got to see my aunt and uncle in the hospital as well, the ones who live in winston-salem. funny to drive this far and visit with them here.

tonight I took justin to the liquor store here (NOT the abc store) to show him fun stuff that you can't buy in nc like premade jello shots and plastic test tube shooters of peppermint schnapps. I only wish that we had ghetto pleasures like that down south!

that weekend at home is happening sooner than I thought. my mom fell last night and broke her hip. it's not serious enough to require replacement, but she has to have surgery in the morning. I'm headed home in the afternoon. keep her in your thoughts, y'all.

since I work in the transportation industry I probably shouldn't say things like this, but you know those big pieces of shredded tire that semis leave in the middle of the highway when they get a flat? am I the only one who thinks that the drivers should have to go back and pick those things up? they're a menace.

for years I've enjoyed the dubbing of kernersville "k-vegas," and yesterday I heard an appellation on the radio that's almost as good. the lexington area called "l.a." north carolinians will appreciate that.

I've decided that what my life really needs is a big dose of trouble. not trouble with the law or anything, but a sort of close encounter of the drunken kind with a crowd of mixed company. I need to get kicked out of some store or other. I need someone's significant other (not mine, naturally) to get annoyed with me. I need to find myself deep in conversation with people that I don't even like. remember that ideal party I mentioned a while back? this would be a good time for it.

I'm just vexed that my life has become so socially insular. I love the odd night out with nadine, heather, and crew, but they're too few and far between to curb my appetite. other than the people I live with, I can only think of two people in gso now that I could conceivably call and hang with, and then there's the problem of finding the time. being a grown up sucks. if you're reading this and haven't gotten there yet, PLEASE have some wanton fun for my sake!

not that life isn't about to get a bit more interesting. rachel's living with us for uncg's fall semester; she moves in tomorrow. I have no objections to one of the world's most beautiful and charming women living under my roof, of course, and her financial contribution to the nor'easter household is welcomed.

on the lighter side, my dad came down last sunday and fixed my lawnmower (which I nearly destroyed after hitting a vent pipe in the yard), and I'm going up to bluefield next weekend. I've always loved my parents more than words, but I have such a heightened appreciation of the time I spend with them now. I boggle at what a little shithead I was as a teenager--I'm so glad the three of us got through it without any lasting trauma (other than my own guilt complex).

I've typed my way from one end of the triad to the other. time to stop.

the powers that be are against my getting from point a to point b, for some reason. my usual route home from work is completely closed off, and every alternate that I've tried is either closed or seriously under construction. it just isn't fair. a 30 minute drive home is bad enough without having to traipse down every acussed woods road between here and trinity to get home in under an hour.

las vegas is attacking the high point furniture market with one of their own. this is a bad thing. I'd like to ask my faithful blog readers to join me in being part of the solution: boycott las vegas! it's quite simple. just don't go to las vegas. I'm also considering sending blank postcards to the vegas chamber of commerce to show them just how NOT in vegas I am. another thought: anonymously mail them printouts of travel itineraries to atlantic city and/or reno. viva las vegas my ass!

lately I've come to believe that if my life gets any more banal I'm going to lose all coloring and appear only in black and white. all retro coolness aside, I don't think I'd like that. boring boring boring boring boring. jeremy's world, the big snoozefest. granted I'd rather have boring than bad, but I could do with a little interesting/good.