the plague kept me out of work yesterday; I was up all night coughing. went to the doc-in-the-box across the street and got lots of pills. mmm...hydrocodone. back at the grind today, though.

must Christmas shop this weekend. out of town for it? perhaps.

so there are three kinds of people, I think. Yeses, Nos, and Maybes. a Yes sets goals, puts forth the effort to acheive them, and generally gets what he wants. I hate Yeses. a No sets goals, puts forth effort, and generally fails miserably. I feel sorry for Nos. a Maybe sets goals and puts forth no effort, but thinks that he could achieve them if he tried...when he's really just afraid of being a No.

I'm such a Maybe.

I'm starting to relate to john cougar mellancamp songs a little too much. this means that I'm either all grown up and nostalgic or incredibly lame. all grown up and incredibly, nostalgically lame? yep, that sums it up.

I have to go and scrounge up some food. I spent $7.25 on chinese at work and put the leftovers in the fridge there. given how much I ate, that's about $4.97 worth of food that I totally ran off and forgot in thomasville. grr.

well, it's happened. the plague that's been going around the office has struck me. so far I've got a swollen and sore throat, hacking cough, headache, overallache, and low grade fever (the kind that makes just brushing against your clothes hurt). those who have already been stricken have advised me to batten down the hatches for at least 2 days off my feet at home, but I'm not missing work unless the need is very dire. but if I'm not improved by wednesday I'll see what the doc's got to say.

according to his online journal, stuart murdoch is a) freshly single and b) sexually frustrated. heh...step into my office, baby.

I started writing this really pseudo-intellectual thingie today about paranormal versus supernatural fiction writing. my theory is that it takes more talent to write effectively visceral supernatural work because all the elements must be conjured up from scratch. in paranormal fiction, parts of it already exist--therefore, it's easier to make them frightening/disturbing; one only has to make them behave in abnormal ways. hmm...I was able to make that a lot clearer earlier. shit, I'm tired.

goal updates:
weight--stable.
bank balance--decidedly unstable (stupid rent. stupid dry cleaning. stupid CVS. STUPID!)

I am so tired of credit card commercials in general. in every one, they show the card being swiped WITH THE STRIPE UP! hellooooo! that won't work! I don't care if you're showing off the name of your precious Discover card, let's have some realism here!

for some reason my nyquil's made me hyper. I'll go stare goggle-eyed at the wall (or perhaps wall-eyed, har har) and try to sleep. try.

happy turkey day, everyone. I write this in the wake of a truly marvelous thankgiving dinner, courtesy of rick and pam (that's my brother and his fiancee, to those of you not as hip to my world as you OUGHT to be). so much for taking off any more weight, at least for these few days. man. four days of not being at work. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. the only downside of the holiday was stopping by the coffeehouse yesterday afternoon and finding that they'd already closed. fuckers.

as t-day departs, Christmas looms. I've never done all my own shopping before, with all my own cash. it's a daunting prospect. I may ring in the new year from a well padded booby hatch, but hopefully have some fun getting there.

I'm going to go curl up with a bad book or something. will update with all the philosophical and intellectual insights sure to come out of a trip to the old homestead. may your sleep have the depth of a tryptophan addict's.

I knew as soon as I wrote about being miserable that life would perk up. actually, it has; I had a really nice weekend. last night was the disband/tigerbearwolf show/cd release party at gate city. then to a party on lexington ave with that whole crew--not as good as the last one, but really fun. got some properly embarrassing pictures.

today I talked to cassie for the first time in aaaaaages. I guess it was kind of a good thing that we hadn't been in touch since may, as I actually had things to talk about, heh. I sho do miss her.

car has been tended to. go me. lots of laundry getting done. keep going, me.

joined friendster. I advise everyone to do the same.

thanksgiving will be spent at rick and pam's house. that'll be nice, but I really hope that pugsly doesn't go off on too many tangents about k-mart. I think I actually get sunday off, too, but I won't know until tomorrow.

time to fluff and fold, y'all.

and time marches on...apparently there's a rumor circulating in greensboro that I'm dead--that, I believe, is seriously debatable. this is an a.p.b. for anyone who can tolerate my presence to give me a call! I have no life anymore! aaahhhh!

I'm trying to remember when I went to see lost in translation was it the 1st? shit, I think it was. that is the last time I did...anything. God bless josh for being around to keep me company. he's my thin connection to sanity. but I can never seem to get a hold of anyone. either a) people are too busy or b) they think I'm too busy. so when weekends roll around, I generally spend them counting the hours until monday. yup.

but enough ranting. o.d.'s thanksgiving dinner was tonight. I made a terrifying amount of mashed potatoes, and most were eaten and no one was poisoned. it was fun.

my car is now almost 5k miles overdue for an oil change, a situation that will be rectified tomorrow afternoon. just thought I'd share.

a decree: whenever I have the misfortune to be driving around town in the rain, hot guys in shorts and tight t-shirts should run by, getting progressively more soaked. I demand it.

movie suggestion: the grifters. I saw the last third on bravo and went out and bought it the next day based on that (I've only done that twice; other time was harold and maude). goooood decision. I think it's already in my top 10, or somewhere close to it. but don't bother with sidewalks of new york. I was disappointed, although it was nice to see heather graham playing a non-bimbo character. I guess I'll start admitting that we have the same birthday.

emerson be damned, I've decided that under no circumstances will I move to boston. I'm going to make it a lifelong rule to never live in an area where the native accent annoys me. except for brooklyn, maybe, and it's not so bad.

some goals.
currently:
weight--175 (down 20 lbs since the summer, baby).
bank balance--$1321.80.
by the new year:
weight--165.
bank balance--$2000.
wish me luck.

gonna go work on my model. it's a '58 plymouth that looks just like christine. I love it.

How I Spent My Saturday:

4:30--woke up.
5:00--got up. showered, dressed.
5:30--leftover beef stew and phone calls.
6:00--antiques roadshow on pbs.
7:00--wondered why I watched antiques roadshow.
7:15--went to the new big lots. disappointed; thought it'd be bigger.
7:30--tate street. wrote, read, drank coffee.
9:30--video review, bi-lo.
10:15--watched gaslight. great flick. someday I'm going to try and drive someone insane, just for kicks. better stay on guard, josh.
12:00--watched chinatown. even better. despite my hatred for faye dunaway.
2:15--philosopical contemplation. henry rollins: hotter clothes on or off? (off won, but tough call)
2:45--net surfing and general ennui.
3:15--said "idaho" to myself and laughed.
since then--international espionage and intrigue.

tomorrow, naked housecleaning! see ticketmaster for time and venue.

it's been a trying evening. I noticed when I came into work today that catherine seemed sort of down; jack said that she and gary had some kind of argument. she'd mentioned before that she and gary scrapped a bit, but it had never sounded major--that is, she had never sounded concerned. well, one look at her swollen, cut hand and how slowly she was walking made how major it was pretty clear. in fact, he told her that if she tried to leave him for good that he'd put her in the hospital.

michelle spearheaded an effort to get her to get the hell out. we all threw our support behind her, believe me. so catherine made some calls, snuck home and packed, quit o.d., and left on our 12:30 break (can't say where she went; not here, where certain bastards could stumble across it). the goodbye scene was tearful and huggy. but it's about friggin time. even if gary had been a pussycat, the relationship had become more of a liability than an asset. if it had ever been one.

as happy as I am for her, I can't help feeling miserable. for months I've spent more of my waking hours with catherine than anyone else, and consider her one of my closest friends now. well, she'd better keep her promise to call, dammit.

and the whole thing reminds me of just how tricky these situations can be. I say this: if you have never been in an abusive relationship, you do NOT know how you would act in one. it's easy for so many people to say, "man, if my boyfriend/girlfriend laid one finger on me, I'd be gone." would you? would you really? thankfully I've never had to make that decision...and I don't know how I'd decide.

in closing. at old dominion she was always catherine, to everyone. but she said once that she was always called cathy before she was with gary. she only changed because he didn't like it. so to my friend, wherever you are tonight: as soon as you left that office I hope that you became cathy again. and that you'll never be anyone else.

updates.

can I just say how amazing the belle and sebastian show was, as expected? they did a lot of new material but blew the dust off some old stuff as well (stuart had to actually pull out lyrics at points). the crowd was close to sold out and very responsive--hope that'll make the band play nc again! and I got to be more jealous of anyone than I've ever been. they were taking requests and one guy yelled out "DYLAN!" exceptionally loud. so stuart and stevie dragged him up on stage to sing "like dylan in the movies" with them. hugs were exchanged all around. I hate that guy. but damn, good show.

got a flu shot at work on tuesday. two winters of nastiness are enough.

no fun halloween stories; I was at o.d. people brought their cute kids around for candy, though, which was fun.

sarah love, carra and I are going to tate st. coffee at 8 to bitch about how we let the dcfc show sell out and not get tickets. well, we're going to carrboro tomorrow night anyway to try our luck. ben gibbard is too cute not to.

y'know, all I ever do in here is catalog my life. I never say anything thought provoking or philosophical. so here: daisy wheel printers. how have they affected the human psyche? feel free to comment.

what a fantastic weekend. saturday afternoon josh and I headed off to lexington for the barbecue festival. we met mad dog at lexington barbecue and joined him for sandwiches and hush puppies at the kitchen table in his westfalia van. I felt so badass. then the three of us went downtown to fight the crowds and see the pig races.

later that night josh and I went to see the old 731 crowd at their house on lexington avenue; it was eban's birthday. maybe it's just because I've been so socially deprived lately, but I think it was the best party I've ever been to. I swilled down 100 proof soco and talked sex with sarah sherman and her "truly bisexual" boyfriend. got up enough momentum on the porch swing to turn into inside-out boy. just kind of circulated and felt fabulous. I'm glad every weekend isn't like that...I'd never want to leave gso, heh.

tonight I'm calling in sick to work and going to see b&s with sarah love. I swear, if I called and kristy said, "come in or you're fired," I'd quit. I will NOT have stuart murdoch within an hour of me and not see him.

I have a date tomorrow, coffee in high point with michelle's pal travis. I already don't like him, but it can't hurt. he keeps clogging up my voice mail with messages, so I should give him some face to face time.

happy birthday to carra today!

peace out.

a car accident follow-up made it worth my while to write. tacky lady is claiming personal injury (whiplash)! what a laugh. "yes, having the side of my car scraped at about 10 mph gave me whiplash." I think not. well, let the insurance companies duke it out. if she gets anything out of it, I just hope she doesn't blow it all on more gaudy qvc-lookin jewelry.

I've made a slight alteration in my daily routine. every day I go to tate street, get my coffee, and write. I've taken the advice of film education mavens camille landau and tiare white: write for 20 minutes each day whether you have anything to say or not. and I've actually produced some worthwhile ideas. no real light-bulb moments yet, but I haven't really expected any. just flexing the old creative muscles, atrophied things that they are.

I type so much more efficiently than I handwrite, though; I'm thinking of investing in a used laptop. anything will do, so long as it runs ms word. on my budget, though, I might end up with something weighing 20 lbs and a 5 1/4" drive.

after years of wanting to, I watched the postman always rings twice last night. depressing, but great flick. the characters are so dynamic that they're almost unrealistic, but jack nicholson and jessica lange both do great jobs.

since I'm currently in a "who cares" frame of mind about my physical self, I'm gonna go scarf leftover pizza and milky way popables. if I don't write for a few weeks I've probably died from acute indigestion.

point of interest: had a car accident on monday. I was on my way to work and about to merge onto freeman mill rd. the car in front of me pulled forward and out of my field of vision--I was checking for a break in traffic. smart guy that I am, I didn't notice that the car hadn't merged...and I sort of merged into the car. the corner of the other lady's back bumper caught the passenger side of cedric, scraping him all the way back to the rear wheel. the car behind me was, luckily, an off-duty gso policewoman who called for another cop (a cute one, too) who politely filed the report and didn't even write me a ticket--which I think pissed off the other driver (really tacky lady with big hair in a gold jaguar). ha, ha. but now I have big scrapes. well, they shall be remedied.

today was clear and beautiful, warranting a sandwich from bruegger's and a trip to the bicentennial garden. but the nights are so cold now. I've promised myself a cashmere sweater before winter sets in; doesn't look like it'll be too long.

wonderful/creepy coincidence: driving down 85 today I got this random urge to hear the belle and sebastian song "big john shaft," and I searched fruitlessly for storytelling; must be in the case in my trunk. driving home tonight, turned on wuag and there it was. haven't heard b&s on the radio in ages, and to hear the very song...way cool.

I'm tired, but sleep may be some time in coming due to my (completely rational, thank you) fear of the emergency broadcast system. I was trying to watch monty python and they kept testing it, and it put me right on edge. well, here goes nothin.

weekend recap.

saturday: the drive-by truckers in asheville. once again they win the most bang for your buck prize, playing another 3 hour show (no opening band). no obnoxious drunk guys in the crowd--always a plus. nothin like a truckers show to make me feel some good hearty southern pride. they embody "the southern thang" in a way that makes them seem like nice, intelligent, respectful versions of the good ol' boys we so often love to hate. so I guess you could say that they help break down stereotypes while celebrating differences. indirect social commentary and kickass rock to boot. I love 'em.

sunday: lunch in w-s with the 'rents, granny, and aunt kay. good times all round...granny said it looks like I'm gaining weight, though. does it? I really need to get a sensible, working diet in place. I still look just a little ridiculous.

then, show #2. josh couldn't go; work or some such nonsense. matt suggs was the first band--palatable enough, but a little too indie-depressive for me to ever listen to regularly. then john vanderslice, who I've always not-so-secretly loathed. actually old vandersnooze was ok, though; I enjoyed his set more than when I saw him before. he just reminds me a little bit of the guitarist in animal house. would john belushi break his guitar? maybe not quite so violently, but probably.

then beulah. I can't remember the last time I had such an amazing live music experience. no hipster posturing for that crowd. at times I had a tough time seeing the stage people were jumping so high while dancing around. I just had to jump higher. shoulda worn earplugs as they were quite loud indeed, but I wouldn't have it any other way. "pop" might be a dirty word to some people, but for those of us that appreciate it I can't think of any currently recording band that does it better, not even my beloved b&s. if beulah heads your way, go see them. if not, just go buy one of their CDs. right now. I said so.

tis now monday morning and time to get some sleep before the grind starts once again. so with all the weekend's spiffy tunes still ringing in my ears (literally), I shall say good night.

I dub october 10th "official crawl in a hole day." I went by united around 4:30 to pick up my final check from them, thinking that it was fine to come anytime before 5:00 (I was there around 4:30 before). apparently if checks aren't picked up by 4:00 they are mailed. if this is their policy, that's fine. but there was no call for the office hags to be rude about it. no, not rude--try openly hostile.

which made me think about how accustomed I am to good manners, and I wonder if it doesn't have a little bit to do with living in the south. even compared to parts of west virginia, people are really more patient and courteous here (unless they're driving). and allowing for rare exceptions like evil united employees. this made me glad that I'm considering san francisco as one of my relocation options: while the feel of the place is far removed from north carolina, attitudes aren't that different. strangers are nice to strangers. that's the way it should be.

blunder: forgot to clock in after lunch today and screwed myself up on the time clock. scott says it'll be ok. but it was a nice bit of crusty, sour icing on today's dried up, moldy cake.

went to see dr. mckinney yesterday; told her about my problems with lexapro and she put me on zoloft instead. I wonder if I really need antidepressants, anyway. I've been fine without them for a couple of months, but kookiness spells are unpredictable things.

tomorrow: drive-by truckers in asheville. sunday: lunch with the 'rents, granny, aunt kay and uncle ronnie in winston, then beulah in carrboro. music and family, whatta weekend.

next week: lunch at chili's with pimp momma michelle and her pal travis who she's dying to set me up with. hope for me that he doesn't have three heads...wait. ooh. three heads. kinda hot...ahem, never mind.

today's ills must be drowned in a glass of cabernet before retiring. time for booze and a rerun or two.

so I was just thinkin' on how I haven't made any more progress on my film school agenda. I wonder if it's because it would be a slightly stressful thing to do. one thing I'll give my life: stress is pretty much nil, knock on wood. dealing with traffic on I-85 and the messiness of the apartment are really the only things that rankle me, and it's a mild sort of rankle. I need to just get over myself and do it, otherwise I'll be at the same old stand this time next year...

bought the new pornographers' mass romantic today. I'd say it's a must listen. it's a teensy bit edgier than electric version, which I bought first. more metronomic, yet more intricate at the same time. cutting through the bullshit: haven't decided which album I prefer yet, but if you like one you'll definitely like both.

pitchfork loves dear catastrophe waitress. as much as I like it myself, I almost wish they didn't.

as irritating as I find tammy (a co-worker), she earned major points tonight by randomly mentioning a grapefruit spoon. although I'd rather have expounded on that specifically, the comment sparked a marvelous discussion about sporks in which we ascertained that it's impossible not to think of kfc when sporks come into question.

have to take cedric to carmax in 9.5 hours to get his brake cables replaced--they "ordered the parts" about two months ago and they just came in. mmm hmm. anyway, off to bed.

my paycheck came, complete with september 23 postmark. why so long? I dunno, just glad I have it. also got my i.d. badge at work--as did catherine, michelle, and martha--which is (pathetically) very exciting for all concerned.

college hill festival today. lots of social interaction, always a good thing. carra wasn't ignoring me, just...thinking that I was busy. lots of nice lookin fellas down that way. but when you have my rapunzel's-tower-like existence, john goodman starts to look lush and tasty after a while (disclaimer: not really).

I'm supposed to be at the kudzu wish show tonight, but I'm kinda tired. was going to go to a party at corndale house tonight, but I'm kinda tired. I think I might just stay in and watch drowning mona. that movie is soooo horrible. why do I like it? and for some reason I think casey affleck is really cute in it. maybe it's because his character's so lame. I've always had a nerdy guy thing.

IMed nicole for quite some time. at medical school they apparently put brains in freezer bags labeled "brain" with a sharpie, and do the same with various other organs and such. does anyone else find that as hysterically funny as I do?

speaking of school, my to-do list for the morrow includes typing up a letter of inquiry to send out to film program directors at various and sundry colleges. is this really what I want to do? am I sure? we shall see.

in closing, next week is mental illness awareness week. I'm aware of my mental illness. how bout you?

irritation: my last paycheck is still awol. united staffing swears they mailed it, but that was a week ago. if it doesn't turn up, I have to pay THEM $30 to stop payment on the check and rewrite it. how lame is that? still, the fact that our mail has been so sketchy worries me. a mail thief at park forest? uh uh. can we say breaking the lease and moving out?

I'm worried that carra's avoiding me for some reason. I haven't heard from her in about 2 weeks, although I've left her 2 messages. hmm.

sarah stringfield's going with me to b&s! now I just have to decide if I want to be super dorky and go to the atlanta show by myself the night before. I probably will.

talked to ali after my last post for about an hour. isn't it remarkable that two people with such boring lives can talk that long? I think so.

the other day at work: catherine was describing a friend of hers to kathy and said "he's scrawnier than he is," jerking her thumb at me. me? scrawny? it prompted me to go home and get on the scales--I'm by no means scrawny, not even, but I've lost about 12 pounds since mid-summer. hooray for being malnourished. I need to eat more regularly and get a little exercise; that way I can continue my quest for scrawniness and not feel like I'm wasting away.

bought a fancy new showerhead. why? dunno. I waste so much money. sunday I went to southpoint and had a $20 lunch at gabbiano's, spent $30 at nordstrom, and $30 at the gap. plus gas to get there and back. not insanely heavy duty, granted, but still. at least I have some sweet new threads (that were severely marked down).

no clever closing line. just adios.

oh, and:

monday, october 27th...

the carolina theater in durham...

belle and sebastian.

(cue sing-song voice) somebody's not going to work that night! oh, and if anyone's interested, I went ahead and bought 2 tix since the show is seated and I'd like to actually go with someone. let me know.

no lameo quiz result postings in a bit, so...


You horny bastard....you're Victor! Everybody
thinks you get more than you do. You wear short
shorts. Your hair is...poofy. You are the only
one who knows how to navigate the river. And
you risk your life for the love of a woman.
You're just a love machine.


What Wet Hot American Summer Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

grievance to air: I found out why I STILL haven't gotten my employee number at work yet. in spite of the fact that I told the idiots at medzone that I take adderall, my drug screening still came back positive for amphetamines. they referred the results to their cmo out in the midwest somewhere. they sat on it for weeks and finally called me today to get the scoop. long story short, the error has been corrected and I should be official o.d. next week. so annoying.

yet another grievance: my paycheck didn't come today. aroo? guess I'll have to give united staffing a ring.

finally heard the strokes' new single today (I imagine I'm the last person in the hemisphere). it's like they're trying to sound like the postal service trying to sound like the velvet underground (although I naturally hold the latter two bands in higher esteem). if it's any indication of the album, it sounds like their sound has "evolved" enough to keep the critics happy but doesn't stray so much from the old fomula as to alienate loyal fans. my prediction: room on fire will outsell is this it. hell, I'll probably end up buying it myself.

immaturity in the workplace: several of us sat around on the 12:30 break discussing at some length what a great butt scott has. following him back into the building, laughter was stifled with much difficulty. funny. middle school, but funny.

get ready, all ye nyc peeps--preparations are underway for a trip to the big apple in about 6 weeks. this time I PROMISE to try and see everyone I need to see! tiffany, shana, becka, et al. you know who you are.

and now, to ingest many calories that will go straight to my hips as I sleep.

got off work early and still have bit of energy. first I went to wal mart. warning--"jeremy is evil"alert: after picking up about $50 worth of useless crap to buy, I came to my senses and abandoned my cart and left (after skimming the latest spin cover to cover). I know it's awful to just leave merch around the store, but honestly...it's wal mart. I just can't feel remorse. I just feel glad that I was able to curb my spending; lately I've been throwing money away most awfully.

I'm currently simmering a pot of chicken tikka masala on the stove. 4109 has never smelled so heavenly. speaking of 4109, anyone have any sure-fire ways to get rid of fleas? josh and I are clean and decent people. we don't deserve this.

I dreamed last night that I was being violently accosted by randall flagg (the "dark man" from the stand) when I suddenly realized, "hey, this is my dream. I don't have to put up with this shit." with a flourish superman himself swooped down to rescue me, promptly flying me to hogwarts castle where madam pomfrey healed my wounds and harry potter looked on. wouldn't it be nice if we had that kind of control over real life? hey, it'd be nice if we usually had that kind of control over dreams.

guilford pals, take note: I was bored enough last night to watch an episode of "the love boat." one of the guest stars looked so much like jeff jeske (or lady elaine, if you will) that I briefly wondered if it actually somehow was. but the voice wasn't quite right and the teeth were all wrong. still, I wish I'd taped it to show everyone.

random observation: any sentence that contains both the words "homosexual" and "oldsmobile" is going to be confusing.

I just took a break from writing to check on the tikka masala, and I find myself returning to the keys having eaten half of it. I shall bury my face in shame in my pillows.