buffy is beginning to become a problem. first I laughed at it, then I watched it, now I invest money in it so I can watch it all the damn time. now I realize that respect for said series is crucial relationship criteria, right up there with admiration of belle and sebastian. also like b&s, I'm even starting to feel sorry for people who don't like it. well, hopefully the fever will die down before the sixth season comes out on dvd (on may 26th--46 days, 16 hours, and 29 minutes from now).

I had a marvelous dream the other night that I went to a church where dolly parton was the preacher. well, she did play an angel on "designing women" that time.

josh is in germany--er, he will be within a few hours. he'd better find a paternoster while he's over there, that's all I'm sayin.

lemon italian ice does not equal lemon sorbet. nope, not at all.

my upper teeth are killing me. just another happy byproduct of sinus congestion. grr.

"the bad people put a chip in my head...I want to be queen, and I'll fight 'til I'm dead. queen diana. queen dianaaaa!!!" (just felt like typing that)

that's it. going to bed before I get any weirder.

splendid weekend, snotty nose notwithstanding. went with josh and hannah to the q and not u show in the underground, where hannah and I inadvertently ended up working their merch table for a bit. then to friday's, then back here to watch rosemary's baby while playing drinking games (one drink each time one of the following was mentioned: baby names, tannis root, a play that guy was in. and a chug when minnie yells at roman for spilling vodka blush on the carpet). josh went to bed and h. and I to mcdonald's. fell into a marvelous vicodin-induced sleep around 9 a.m. seeing hannah again was great. hope we'll start hanging out on a regular basis.

perhaps josh's greatest observation ever: "whenever you go to a place where you're told you'll meet people from 'all walks of life,' you'll never meet anyone you'll like."

get this: 4109 is now (temporarily) a nielsen household. the greatest news of my life.

time to get my debilitated self up and clean various household things.

hope everyone had a happy john l. lewis day--april fools' day to non-mountaineers. and I hope y'all remembered to groom those eyebrows properly.

does anyone know what the difference between a denver omelet and a western omelet is? really? just curious.

pizza was bought for us by management at work as thanks for the crazy couple of weeks. I ate some. it was domino's. I managed to break my diet and my boycott at the same time. that corner booth in hell gets closer every day.

at last count, I am managing to be four of the seven dwarves at once: sleepy, grumpy, dopey, and sneezy. I'll be happy when I'm no longer sneezy. on occasion I'm bashful, but I'll never be doc. nicole can be doc. her and christopher lloyd.

oh, what a world. tonight at work wasn't too bad, but last night I was there for over 12 hours thanks to our lovely computer issues. at least I used the down time to sit at my desk and write dirty limericks about my co-workers.

I'm ill. josh is also ill, but whatever it is seems to be making the rounds so I can't hold him responsible. incredibly painful sore throat and aches. I'll go to the doc's in a couple of days if I don't perk up; could be strep.

tonight I advanced the theory that tv weathermen should work on commission. payment per correct forecast. now, I'm well aware that meteorologists essentially just pass along the messages given to them by their high tech equipment and shouldn't necessarily be held personally accountable for poor forecasting. however, I still think it would do the viewing public a lot of good to know that these false prophets are suffering for misleading the masses. I know I'd enjoy it.

spent waaaaay too much money yesterday. buffy season two, a light for dario, and a dvd recorder. that last one was semi-unplanned, but circuit city had the same one that I'd seen at wal-mart for over $100 less. just because it was a floor model and didn't have a box. screw the box--it works beautifully regardless.

and now for two magical foreign words: sauterne and shiatsu. best way to round off an evening.

got all amphetamined/caffeined up to do household chores, but I took things a bit far. I'm getting coffee-induced paranoia. does that happen to anyone else? no, I thought not. but hey, I even did my hand washing. that doesn't happen.

fun at guilco last night. serendipity and all that. enjoyed annoying everyone with my video camera. the evening was a strange mixture of "hey, I remember that person!" and "who the hell are all these people?" but good overall.

much conferencing with ali and tiffany about future plans. could it be that I actually have some? mebbe.

diet seriously screwed with by trip to cold stone tonight. I clearly asked for sweet cream yogurt but was given ice cream instead. rather than call the guy on it, I chose to look the other way. bad me, bad bad me.

gonna go finish laundry and try to ignore overwhelming urge to jog to burlington. I'll sleep when I'm dead.

time to revisit the subject of gay porn fan fiction. I'm glad that it's readily available about buffy; that's pleasing. there are web pages full of it--surprisingly (disturbingly?) well done pages. but people, please choose your matchups sensibly.

xander/oz = yummy.
xander/angel = quite nice
xander/spike = a little strange, but still okay.
xander/giles = NOT APPROPRIATE! anyone/giles = not appropriate.

I feel traumatized.

(I'm sure non buffy fans are busy not giving a damn, but I feel very strongly about this.)

how can I have lived for 23 years and never heard of deep fried mars bars being a popular snack in scotland? they are. I want one!

you know those situations where person A accuses person B of something, and person B says "do I look like the kind of person who...?" I've decided that people who say that are automatically guilty. it's too suspect. for example: someone asks me if I was the second gun on the grassy knoll. if I try to answer back with the kind-of-person routine, then I did, in fact, shoot jfk. it doesn't matter that I wasn't born yet and probably couldn't hit the side of a barn from ten feet if I did have a gun, I'm guilty. this theory should be admissable in court, I think.

interesting survey results in usa today, which I'd link to but it's acting wonky. anyway, the best u.s. cities for "dating scenes:" austin, colorado springs, san diego, seattle...and raleigh-durham? actually r-d was fourth, beating seattle. is it just me, or is that odd?

I'm starting to feel like a human being again for the first time in weeks. hope my spirits stay high. c'mon zoloft, work your magic.

actually doing well with my diet, more or less. if I can just get the initiative to dust off the stationary bike I'll start shaping up nicely.

discussion at work tonight leaves a still unanswered question. I pose this to all the pimply, thugged out, tricked-out-car driving wannabe playas out there, and I know there are a lot of you. your vehicles are generally impressive machines--metallic paint job, k&n filters, exhaust pipe big enough to stick your head into--and I totally respect the work that goes into them. but why do you recline your seats so far back if you're just going to HUNCH OVER THE DAMN WHEEL WITH YOUR NOSE PRACTICALLY TOUCHING THE WINDSHIELD??? IT LOOKS STUPID!!!

anyway.

went home and got cedric back, woo hoo! no more gas guzzling 4runner for me.

ali's birthday! happy birthday. isn't 23 absurd? I think it is.

writing under the influence of half a bottle of tequila. since my job robs me of a friday night, I don't feel guilty about making the most of sundays. doesn't everyone deserve two weekend nights? I think so.

started to watch lost in translation, but decided to see speedway junky for the 1000th time instead. one of the guiltiest of my guilty pleasures, it still makes me cry every time.

and it has prompted a rant. first of all, everyone stop for a minute and think about how lucky we all are to have been born human beings. I mean, couldn't we have just as easily been apes? or cockroaches? or paramecia? humans have the decided advantage of being tops in everything--intelligence, reasoning, the food chain. we're all damn lucky.

however, I feel that we're still bound by one major constraint: that of sexual orientation. all higher life forms are subject to the demands of the sex drive. in darwinian terms that makes sense. the survival of a species depends on its desire to procreate.

but, given the current state of our planet, is the predominant disposition toward heterosexual relationships really a sensible one? I won't explore that avenue any further for fear of sounding like I'm quoting the wanting seed. ever read that? it's pretty fucked up. I mean, it's by anthony burgess who wrote a clockwork orange, so of course it is. anyway.

still, think of what it would mean if everyone was completely and across the board bisexual! we could choose our life partners based solely on emotional and psychological attraction, and never mind the primal physical urges that we're such slaves to. divorce rates would plummet. societal tolerance levels for alternative lifestyles would surge. and, as far as darwinian principles go, I believe that the human race could still thrive while the problem of global overpopulation could be kept in check. as the "highest form of life," isn't that kind of freedom what we deserve?

sadly, there's still enough of the animal within all of us to make that kind of openmindedness impossible. perhaps human beings have made every possible stride in physical evolution. but who's to say that we won't continue to evolve psychologically? it is my hope that, even if it takes dozens of generations, we will reach this state of mind. only then can we live in harmony, fulfilled on every level. if you put aside societal convention, you'll see that I'm right. not that it matters--primal urges and whatnot--but I'm right. so there.

best get to bed soon. have volunteered to go into work an hour early every day. I have no life to speak of anyway, and I could use the money.

good morning, all.

feeling down tonight...this morning. once in a great while I get in this frame of mind I call "reality crash;" getting into the details of my thought processes is depressing, so suffice it to say that I feel a little hopeless at the moment. and, due to other situational factors, lonely. but before I get completely maudlin I'll shut up.

at least there's getting my car back to look forward to. going to wv on saturday morning to get the freshly repaired cedric. no more gas guzzler for me.

sticking to the diet, but feeling hungry and grumpy. I need to eat more regularly--part of the anorexic mindset (and ex-anorexic mindset) is equating the feeling of hunger with the sense that one is losing weight. the hungrier, the thinner. of course I'm more rational than that these days, but old habits die hard.

TGIF, baby.

ahhh. my neck's been incredibly sore and stiff lately, so I bought one of those perverted looking shiatzu massagers. perverse or not, it's wonderful.

started diet today. had ambitious plan to quit smoking as well...but decided to taper off instead, heh. I mean, trying to lose weight and lay off cigs at the same time? I must have been mad!

celebrated saint patty's day by...oh, never mind, I didn't. but I wore lots of green.

sick of working 90 minutes of overtime every freakin night. I'm never going to get anything accomplished other than job-related work if this keeps up, as it saps my energy so. and the laundry piles up, the oil doesn't get changed, the taxes don't get done...sigh.

enough bitching. time for some kickass lean cuisine! (yeah, I just keep telling myself that.)

had a random dream last night that I bought a 1971 chevelle ss for $2000. it looked like this. today went on ebay and found a 71 chevelle for $2000! it looks like this. aren't dreams wonderful things? anyone who wants to spend about $20k on me, now you know what to do.

foggiest night ever. had to creep home for fear of ending up like jayne mansfield. no pirates in it, though, nor did I see springheel jack. pity.

WILL call pitt tomorrow. is pittsburgh my best option? I wonder. by the end of the month all choices must be made; I have to stop being able to say "nothing's set in stone."

gotta go. my eggplant parmesan's not getting any warmer.

heh...we just had that party. I thoroughly enjoy attempting to type when I'm drunk. only a handful of people showed up, but it was a good handful.

cassie called. love cassie. love ali too; she's now MANAGER AT HER THEATER! might marry ali, except for cheesecake who I talk about in a minute.

why does bedroom smell like sweat? no sweat here.

no cheesecake, either. cheesecake is at the beach. in love with cheesecake? perhaps. debacle a thing of the past...infatuation not so. never been in love before, methinks. not in love now, either. being silly.

but josh made the best guacamole ever. stroh's isn't bad beer; had several. face is numb like from botox injections. oh, and the head! the head lolls like a proverbial bladder on a stick.

plan to sleep until monday afternoon. but first the shining is on tnt. whee!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION.
Sometimes, you wonder why you couldn't just be
Canadian. Some people say you are weird. You
have an interesting sense of humor and a
meaningless life. But, you're nearly Canadian,
so did you expect better?


Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

more international espionage should center around reels of microfilm. you don't hear enough anymore about government secrets, etc. being recorded on microfilm and stolen and/or smuggled.

annoyance at work last night: departmental meeting in everyone got chewed a new asshole in a very judge-judy-like fashion. when I think of the field day an industrial psychologist could have at my office. treating employees as people is not a new and revolutionary concept.

dammit, pitt, respond to my e-mail! I'm gonna have to call those bitches up. my future hangs in the balance here.

question for the masses: cutting a totino's crisp crust party pizza. four slices or six?

weight: a bit too much, probably
cigarettes: 4
alcohol units: 1--currently in progress
(am currently reading/enamored by bridget jones: the edge of reason, heh)

good weekend. afternoon at concord mills more than enough to make the cheesecake debacle a thing of the past (bangs no longer being subjected to molding wax). spent only a sensible couple hundred and got several great things. then to the movies in charlotte. I will get around to doing a review of it, but for now let me say GO SEE THE DREAMERS!

visit with 'rents good on sunday. take note: villarosa now sells their marinara sauce by the jar. mmm.

party in 4109 this saturday! here's hoping that guests are plentiful and (relatively) well behaved.

have been filming and writing a lot lately. some decent ideas; no great footage. at least not yet.

off to gobble candy and watch telly.

here comes the pissed off rant.

so, hello! cheesecake IS a damn breeder after all; this time it's straight from the horse's mouth and not based on some obnoxious grapevine gossip (I think mentioning that one lives with one's girlfriend is pretty strong evidence). I could kill scott for getting that started, and that goes double for michelle for passing it along AND encouraging me in pursuit! I should matchstick her buick's tires for that. I estimate that only about 15 people in the office are NOT laboring under the delusion that he's a poof, thanks to their efforts. but do I feel sorry for him? no! I won't tell anyone otherwise unless I'm asked. he's got some nerve being straight; let the whole world think he's a 'mo. I hope guys drive him nuts hitting on him. wait, no I don't. one wink and he's ahead of me (getting hit on by nasty express men salesmen doesn't count). and let's face it, he's probably ahead of me anyway. he's dangerous to homosexuals, that one. he's a siren luring us to emotional downfall. he has to be stopped. dammit, that's it. I'm honestly starting to believe that I'm going to die single. or worse still, end up the downmarket houseboy of some lecherous old antique dealer. death first. no, shopping first. lots of comfort shopping, enough charge card swiping to melt it. I'm going out tomorrow and buying enough new clothes to send an elephant down armani's catwalk. I may seethe with rage, and I may nurse my bruised-but-certainly-not-broken heart for a few days, but I'm going to look good doing it. and look good for myself, not spending absurd amounts of time exfoliating and shaping my bangs to impress that dumb awful...dumb awful...person (not that I, hem, ever did that)!

eat it.

(sorry about that, but I had invested a good bit of emotion in the situation and needed to vent. ah, feeling better!)

had a picnic in the park today, just me and some bruegger's and patricia highsmith (well, she's dead actually, but one of her books). this beautiful weather is too incredible.

I've developed a really nervous stomach lately. consequently, I'm not eating enough. as a result, I stay shaky about half the time. I just bought a shitload of zantac, and hopefully that'll quiet things down. I'm also not sleeping much, though--shoots my concentration all to hell. in a nutshell, I feel a little unglued of late.

upcoming visit from the 'rents on sunday. saturday night I'm tempted to drive to chapel hill to go to the movies again. the dreamers has finally opened!!! but I don't want to go alone, so in all likelihood it'll be a slow couple days. nothin wrong with that...I suppose.

circle up, y'all. cheesecake update.

he is. naturally, so am I. and he knows that I am, but doesn't know that I know that he knows. and I'm not sure whether he knows that I know that he is. I seem to be very much in the know, except that I don't know what to do now. given my timidity in these matters--and the ever growing attraction--it's best to hope that he makes a move, does something detestable, or gets fired as soon as possible. given the situation and the workplace, anything is plausible. needless to say, the warm weather is making things that much more difficult, as it's kept him from wearing that absurd scarf.

but no more about that until new developments occur. and speaking of new developments, there really isn't anything else. guess I'll go eat leftover mexican food.

roads melted. went into work after all. rather tired. situation with mister cheesecake still unresolved.

(since this was such a short post I was going to write it in the form of a telegram, but in researching I found that at no time have telegrams actually used the word "STOP" to separate anything in print. that's unfortunate; I always thought they did.)