s'been a pleasant day/night. charles is back, although I've yet to see him, grr. some apartment cleaning has brightened up the place. slept late and actually have energy for once.

ali and I went to see "far from heaven." don't waste your money. we were looking forward to it so much, and we were both disappointed. too overdramatic. seemed more like a lifetime movie than an oscar contender to me.

so last entry I wished for better dreams. I don't know about better, but try this out: it was my b-day dinner again, but this time at shoney's. josh h. brought a date--a tall, hot guy with dark hair that didn't say much. before josh he only dated chicks, so he was kind of self-conscious.

then he and josh both started flirting with me to make each other jealous. I thought it was juvenile. later a bunch of us went back to my parents' house to party--only the house was huge, with a bedroom for all 6 or so of us there.

said hot guy ended up naked in my bed and we did all sorts of fun things. I kept thinking, "why's he sleeping with ME when josh is right there?" and "josh is going to go over to this guy's room to sexually surprise him and find him gone...that may suck." alas, I awoke before drama unfolded.

so what was it? my desire to win out over josh in the guy department for once? or some half-assed subconscious way of expressing my desire for josh himself...? I mean, as long as I keep seeing him and knowing him he's always going to be on the back burner of the stove of my thoughts, heh. it's something I've learned to deal with since acknowledging that it ain't ever gonna happen. you can love someone without LOVING THEM, for cryin out loud. and I've got charles, for which I'm profoundly grateful.

gonna keep working on my bottle of wine while I wait for the evening to unfold...