what an awful day. no reason in particular; I've just felt really depressed. tonight I decided to just blow off laying out the paper and go to the blue hour with bryan and gabe. so I'm a little tipsy, which may affect how much sense this entry makes.

I talked to mom for a while today about how awful I feel. I think that, if there is any reasoning behind my state of mind, it's how uncomfortable/uneasy I feel with certain aspects of my life. wow, that's general. but I realized that there are only two relationships I have right now that really work without question. one, mine with my mom. she's always there, she never changes, and she always listens. it's wonderful to have your mother for one of your best friends, and I hope she knows that. two, my friendship with ali. we're so alike that it's scary sometimes--granted that's probably just because we've hung around so much that we've merged a little, but still. I can always rely on that friendship, and I hope that I always can.

I'm really sorry for anyone reading this who isn't one of those two people--everyone in my life is so special and so important, and I don't want to shortchange anyone. thank you all. but ALL my other relationships worry me to some extent, just like everything else, for some reason.

what I really need is a responsible routine, I know. it would help my sanity a lot. although I love spontaneity, I need predictable things too. I'm just too ADD to implement them. but sometimes...take this, for instance:

jeremy's waking up routine: get up. pick out clothes. get in shower. shampoo and rinse. put in conditioner. shave. rinse out conditioner. put on facial cleanser. wash everything else with body wash. rinse face. dry off. put on boxers, then deodorant. put on undershirt and cologne. brush teeth. then jeans, then shirt. moisturize face. do hair.

it must be in that exact order. if anything is off, I'll be weird all day. I just wish I could do more things that way. wake up at a fixed time. exercise. study. spend time with people who need my attention. I feel my life spin out of control at least once a day. lately more often. and it's making me depressed.

I just keep waiting for an epiphany, some ethereal event to happen and make me realize what's really wrong and what to do about it. I'm tired of being upset by everything--hell, I looked at a damn grove of trees today and thought about how it made me feel worse. ever feel like that? you look around at everything in the world, however insignificant or small, and think about how horrible it all is? yeah.

wow, this isn't very theraputic after all. time to call it a night before anyone reading this thinks I'm suicidal or something. I'm not; I just like to bitch.