another day at a close. ali, gabe and I were going to see "the pianist" and it was sold out. dammit, that's the second time in a row that we've tried to see a film there and it hasn't worked for some reason. then we came back and had a hysterical laughing fit over "funny wheel cars" (cars that have the continental spare thingy on the trunk) and we've decided that ali's fated to buy one. I sure hope so.

so in light of last night's grand event, I've been doing a lot of thinking about men/boys. here's a little condensed history of my interactions with them:

the power players:
father--somewhat distant, later not so, always loving. currently excellent.
brother--somewhat distant, still so, but the love's there. it's a personality thing.
h.s. best friend--acquaintance to friend to lover to boyfriend to lover to friend to nothing to friend to lover to enemy to acquaintance.

figures:
fucked: 9 (...?)
corrupted: 2 ("gay") + 1 ("straight") = 3
been corrupted by: 1
been emotionally fucked over by: 3
have been emotionally fucked over by me: 3.5

issues:
1) straight boys used to scare me
2) gay boys currently scare me
3) gay boys are all that I can have (and even that's a rare occurrence)
4) straight boys are what I want the most

current (approx):
father = good
brother = good
three great straight guy friends = fantastic, God bless 'em.
one boy haunts my dreams every night. but a dream is all he'll ever be. like the proverbial arrow, if you catch my drift. at least he thinks so...
and one boy would like to be with me forever. but something important just isn't there. more's the pity; at least he plays for the desirable team.

oh, and then there's me. he and I are getting along a little better these days. but out of all my guy/guy relationships, that one's been the toughest. and ain't no way that's changing anytime soon.

so much for profundity. more can be said for sleep. zzz...