well, that's it. I'm an alum (and I don't mean the funky powdered stuff that makes your mouth pucker up). graduation was bearable enough; hot as hell, but tolerable. many nice checks/cash sums from relatives, and lots of good visiting time. I guess it was because I was just so tired, but it was rather anticlimactic. tomorrow, after a "good" night's rest, we'll see how I feel.

for now, I've just come back from a decent hildebrandt party. I was in a bizarre mood, all tipsy and yelling funny things. I enjoyed it; for my last real guilford party, not bad. I did see the everlasting aforementioned crush though--the one I discussed my feelings with--hanging onto the titsy chick again. how do I feel about him? I certainly like him. a lot. I certainly find him attractive. scintillatingly so. but...love? it's fair, I think, to claim love when you've known someone for four years. but in my experience, I'm not sure that I can pin down just what love is. at any rate, I'm glad to have a week at home. I need to put it behind me. out of sight, out of mind. we can only hope.

beth, ali and I left the hildy party and chilled out by the lake. I drifted in and out of consciousness, watching the stars and the light on the water. it was beautifully quiet and introspective, just what I needed tonight. and you know what? this is a difficult thing to express in words...but I feel ready for whatever happens next. just like that. watching the sky I started to feel stronger, to feel less afraid of the future. I know it's cheesy, but I feel ready to give a new life the old college try...well, the old post-graduate try. wish me luck; hope it's not just the sloe gin talking.

gotta get up at 10; giving beautiful beth a ride to the raleigh airport. time for some schluffy.

God, let me stay positive.