the following is a post that I made early this morning. I was tempted to delete it--it's so self-indulgent and whatnot--but instead I'll do a line-by-line analysis. editor's notes in brackets:

josh's birthday was today. happy birthday, josh. [yes, it was indeed josh's birthday]

we had a party. [yes, that too. pretty good]

I got drunk. in fact, I'm still pretty drunk. [oh, yeah. drunk was the word. vodka martinis all night long. no embarrasing puking or anything, but moving around became quite an adventure]

some people came. including hannah and her almost-but-not-quite boyfriend. [actually, they'd just spoken online a few times before last night. his name's travis. she just randomly IMed him from here and invited him down to chill.]

I'm in love with hannah's almost-but-not-quite boyfriend. he's as close to perfect as anyone I've ever met. [okay, that's a little overstated. change "in love with" to "remakably infatuated with," or "sweet on" if you like. take out that whole perfect sentence...no, leave it but change "perfect" to "my ideal guy." sounds less insane that way.]

jeez. I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. [that can be left as is.]

my parents are coming in six hours. bed. [they did come, and I took them and Josh out to ruth's chris steak house. yum. I did not go to bed immediately following this, though; I hadn't spent quite enough time feeling sorry for myself yet. but I did find the bed before passing out, at least.]

[end post; begin today's ACTUAL post]

yeah, it was quite an evening, and one that I haven't quite had the chance to recover from yet. but I've yet to spend an evening with hannah that hasn't required extensive recuperation time, and I mean that as a compliment. although I must say, seeing her with that cute little number is mentally taxing. I once said that my personal hell (because I believe that heaven and hell are both subjective) would involve spending eternity in a studio apartment with a group of sexy guys that all have sex with each other but never with me. I take that back. same scenario, but with hannah and travis in place of the men! but don't spread it around--don't want to give satan any ideas in case I fuck up too much in this lifetime.

which brings up an excellent point. straight people seem to recognize most of the personal issues involved with being gay--being shunned by the hetero community, feeling pressured to fit into the gay community, stereotypes, health hazards, etcetera. but I don't think that many people realize the gravity of the greatest problem of all. with the exception of those bastards lucky enough to be happy in committed relationships, we spend our lives wanting people that we can never have. and it's hell.

I'm not talking about spoiled kids seeing forbidden puppies in pet store windows. I'm talking about, "there's an enormous piece of my life missing, and wow! that guy's shaped exactly like it!" but it won't work. it's not even that he doesn't want you, he just can't. so you have to keep looking. and you find some new pieces, sure. but none of them ever really fit. and you start to think that living with a gaping hole in your world isn't really that bad. but you end up going back to the square pegs, just like you always do.

too many times I've bragged that I don't let myself be defined through other people, that I don't need validation through affection. any you know what? I could have saved a lot of syllables and just said, "I'm not human." because we all do, and we all need. it's part of who we are, just like that funky part of us that makes us need specific shapes of puzzle pieces.

I can't believe I just typed all this crap after berating myself for being self-indulgent last night. but I'm not depressed, or even moderately melancholy. a little disappointed, and a little discouraged. not with the way I am or the way anyone else is, really, but at the general state of things.

stupid things. they get you every time.