one of my favorite things about my job is that its solitary character allows plenty of time for thinking. oh, just about anything. tonight I was thinking that there are some aspects of my life that I'm very unhappy with. I went on to think about how it might be time to do something about them. you know the scene in she devil where meryl streep barges into the living room, starts throwing things (and people) around, and announces that she's taking control of her life?

yeah. that's so me. I just hope I have the nerve and the willpower.

you know, I feel sorry for simon rex. so the guy did some porn. so did sylvester stallone, and people seem to have forgiven HIM for it. let it go already!

besides, simon rex's porn was so much better.

I got a leetle raise at work. our annual "cost of living increase." lemme tell you, if it was based on the true increase in cost of living--gas prices being my major concern--it would be a bit more, methinks.

remember how I was saying how odd it is hearing from high school peeps on myspace? you know what's even weirder? seeing a friend that you haven't heard from in seven years (who is slightly younger than you) and finding that she's married with a four year old son.

and I notice a few more gray hairs...!

saw aimee mann tonight! for once I didn't have to travel to carrboro for a show, since she played in dana auditorium at guilford. a great performance. even justin--who hadn't heard of her before a couple of weeks ago--was very impressed. it's so rare that I go to shows now. it makes me regret what a comparatively small part of my life music has become. three years ago the artists that I liked played such a major role in defining who I felt I was. I really need to work on re-broadening my horizons.

bought an elliptical machine to replace the aged (pronounce that "age-ed") stationary bike. helluva workout, totally digging the endorphin rush. I'm determined to get in the best shape possible by august 5th. that's the start of nc's tax free weekend, and I'm headed to the outlets for some new clothes.

more of today's films need to include an "old dowager" character. so many american films made pre-1940 had them: a stout middle aged lady in fox furs, usually someone's rich aunt, who speaks in an impossibly high and nasal falsetto and looks at people through a lorgnette. usually a jeweled broach is found somewhere on her person. superb comic relief. I miss old dowagers.

speaking of films, ever seen the big chill? all these old college friends get together for a pal's funeral. most of them haven't seen each other in years. the viewer gets to watch them get reacquainted and reconcile what they have become with what they used to be. their experience is surreal--the kids that all these adults are expecting to see have changed just enough to be unsettling. suddenly they have careers, morals, vices...character.

that's what talking to old high school friends on myspace is like. who the hell ARE these people?

"jimmy crack corn and I don't care?" well, guess what? I don't care either.

no matter how long I live, I already know what my life's greatest regret is going to be: that I never met kurt vonnegut. oh, he's still alive and kicking at 85. but even if the man has twenty or more years of life left--which at this point seems quite possible--what are the chances that our paths will converge? not that I'd have any idea what to say to him. but I'll always regret never having the chance to say it.

independence day is nigh! so nice of north carolina to permit the sale of fireworks...if by fireworks you mean sparklers and fizzy fountain things. as if not having independent liquor stores didn't make this state fascist enough!

I don't have any transvestitic (is that a word? it is now) urges, but I can't help but be a little jealous of the socially acceptable right of ladies to wear elaborate hats. specifically I speak of african-american women's "church hats." church hats are the bomb.

when I take over the world, persons in both marriages and civil unions (and possibly domestic partnerships, under the right circumstances) will have the opportunity to legally punish cheating partners. if evidence can be provided that infidelity did indeed take place, then the cuckold will have the option to command that the adulterer's genitalia be surgically removed. with anesthetic--I'm not THAT sadistic.

I'm also going to put a stop to the abhorrent practice of men wearing their shirt collars flipped up. that might be more important, really.

if I ever have a baby I'm going to give it a stuffed toy. specifically a stuffed dingo. wouldn't that be hilarious? to give a baby a stuffed dingo? I think so. and look, they actually make them!

first batch of the cancun photos are online. as soon as I get copies of my parents' pics they'll be added. I've also expanded the "willow" gallery to include all kinds of family animals.

it was bound to happen sooner or later:

http://www.myspace.com/leftwingrobinhood

go ahead, make me feel loved.

well, made it back from cancun safe and sound, if sunburned. beautiful, as expected. not a lot of changes since last visit, although I was shocked at how many resorts are still closed from katrina damage--maybe as many as a third, I'd say. it's surreal to see all the enormous luxury hotels standing empty with windows broken out and scaffolding surrounding them. cancun seems to have become less of an exclusively american destination, as well. awful lot of scotsmen and russians, to say nothing of canadians.

we went to isla mujeres on tuesday, where justin played with dolphins and I went with dad on a submarine tour of the reef (mom just chilled and watched iguanas). on wednesday we tromped around the mayan ruins of tulum and then went to xel-ha, which is by far the greatest thing I've ever done there. it's a waterpark, but all of the bodies of water are natural, so instead of tubing in big cement rivers you get to do it in REAL ones. we snorkeled down the big river twice, gawking at all the gorgeous tropical fish. there are even a couple of cliffs where you can jump off into deep water, which justin did. we also swam through a cave and various other things. it was amazing. the rest of our time was spent lazing by the pool and beach, taking full advantage of the unlimited booze.

the first batch of boring vacation pictures will be online late today/sometime tomorrow. in the meantime, enjoy these cancun travel tips (having been all of twice now, I'm an expert):

1) most places accept both dollars and pesos, but check out the exchange rate before you go. there's a good chance that using american currency will get you ripped off. best to change it over.
2) keep plenty of small currency on hand for tips. tipping is a BIG deal.
3) everyone fully expects you to stay drunk off your ass, so go for it. but you're also expected to be respectful. obnoxious drunks are unpopular worldwide.
4) speaking of drinking, all inclusive hotels are great for a lot of reasons, all you can drink liquor not the least of them. but resort bartenders' knowledge and supplies only stretch so far. stick to basic mixtures (rum and coke, screwdrivers, etc) and the better known blended ones (margaritas, daiquiris, etc). if you want something different, just ask the bartender for "a blue one" or "something green." seriously, you'll hear tons of folks doing it.
5) unless you're fluent in spanish, stick to english. in the hotel zone nearly everyone speaks it, and trying to use spanish if you're iffy will get you in over your head conversation-wise.
6) at the resorts the employees know you're a tourist. they will be anxious to give you all the info you need on where you're going and how to get there. so DON'T leave the hotel until you feel confident that you know what you're doing. triple check everything first to avoid getting lost and wasting time.
7) everyone smokes everywhere. just so you know.
8) if you want to do anything besides chill and shop, plan at least one day ahead. pretty much all tours and activities require reservations and payment up front (and generally getting up very early). it's not a bad idea to pick up some brochures and plan out each day of your visit as soon as you arrive.
9) if you're going to do anything like snorkeling or diving, your sunblock MUST specify "biodegradable." it will be confiscated otherwise. and for the love of all that is holy, buy it before you go. otherwise you risk paying $20+ plus for a bottle. trust me.
10) mexico has more of a rep for homophobia than the u.s. but it's actually much more common there to see straight friends dining/hanging out in same sex pairs than it is here in my part of the states, so doing the same as a gay couple ain't no thang. I wouldn't recommend that guys make out in public or wear eyeliner...but that has more to do with general good taste than precautions in a foreign country.

and it's back to the real world. blecch.

time to put a rumor to rest: according to rupert holmes himself, "timothy" was not a mule. (why does the subject of cannibalism keep coming up in this blog?)

new best thing ever: google sms. at least for the time being, some of the best things in life really are free. everyone with a cell phone needs to take advantage.

I'm sure that, in many cases, women still find themselves unfairly disadvantaged in the workplace. but let me just say that workplaces vary. there are some institutions--or at the very least departments within institutions--where a pair of knockers will let you get away with murder. I won't name names.

semi-related: my vacation reading will involve the devil wears prada. shedding my literary elitism has really given me a lot more to choose from where books are concerned.

I'm surprised I haven't mentioned this, but the nor'easter is now home to only four occupants: justin, myself, and the cats. josh has moved on to the greener pastures of owning one's own home; he and rachel now reside several miles away in a darling brick abode. suddenly our house seems absurdly large.

josh's departure has, however, enabled me to move my computer into the newly christened "office," a room that actually has a cable outlet. holy shit. having a media center pc is the greatest thing in the world. of course, that new dvd recorder is now a completely unnecessary expense. well, now I have TWO ways to say "screw you, tivo."

I hate to say it--since it's the current american average--but I really think that 36C is my favorite bra size, provided the lady isn't too tall. big enough to draw the eye, but not so big as to seem unnatural.

this time next week justin, my parents, and I will be in cancun. I wish I was as excited about the trip as everyone else. for some reason I'm just really nervous. I guess now that I don't travel as often I get the butterflies more easily. I don't think I have any reason to be concerned, though. I always say that I refuse to die until I've been to paris. which is why I'm never going to paris. immortality, baby. that's what I'm talkin about.

nerdy post:

what the hell!?!? why hasn't this been released in region 1? aargh!

I'm all about dragon*con this year. in addition to the usual star trek/buffy/and such v.i.p. guests, you will never believe who is going to be there.

adrienne barbeau.

take a minute to think about that. sit in hushed, reverent silence. now you can squeal and jump around, because you know you want to.

the lengths I would go to to meet that woman. I mean, hello? the fog? swamp thing? cannibal women in the avocado jungle of death? she's royalty! if I actually get her autograph I'll have a heart attack and die right there. if she agrees to pose for a chummy picture with me, I'll have the heart attack, die, and somehow revive myself so I can do it all again.

youtube.com has ruined my life. I am hopelessly addicted to the point that I can accomplish nothing. given that it's bound to get smacked down by copyright do-gooders eventually, though (especially since you don't even have to be a half-assed hacker like me to, ahem, save the clips for posterity), I figure why not enjoy the golden age? I've found too many wonderful things to link to here, so I've chosen one. like I always say, I do not use the term genius loosely.

this is genius.

I don't think I can ever attempt any kind of creative output again. it'll fall too short.

read this. it's funny.

sometimes I think of my life as a t.v. series. I can easily visualize its entry on imdb, complete with supporting cast members' starting and ending dates in parenthesis. and of course I'd be on jumptheshark.com, with a verbal contingency of people arguing that I'd "never jumped." I wonder what my ratings are for the week, if I'll win any emmys or even be renewed for another season.

with my general lack of creativity and joi de vivre these days, a better question is: have I been cancelled?

actually, I think I'm just in syndication. if it was good enough to keep "mama's family" going, it's good enough for me.

I still don't feel motivated to do any full reviews, but here are pseudo-haiku about my in-the-theater film experiences since last update:

thank for for smoking

exceeded high hopes
aaron eckhart, what a dilf!
p.r. looks like fun

the da vinci code

nice adaptation
a bit artsy but stunning
critics quit hatin'

(especially one triad area columnist who wasn't too hard on this one but historically pisses me off and should be banned from publishing and forced to shave off his gaudy child molester facial hair. sorry, not part of the haiku, but it should be said.)

one thing in thank you for smoking did rankle me a bit, and here's the rant to go with it. people of the world: everyone living south of the mason-dixon line does not, I repeat, NOT sound like they're from savannah. for some reason filmmakers (and most non-southerners) seem to believe that there's only one southern accent, the Deep Southern one. you have to go at least to the georgia state line to hear that, and even then you don't hear it much these days. and heaven forbid an actor try to portray someone from west virginia! russell crowe should be ashamed of himself for his intonation in a beautiful mind. however, jodi foster is forever on my a-list for sounding fairly authentic in silence of the lambs. I don't think I've heard any other actor do such a nice job.

I have a really addictive personality. so why can't I become addicted to something of use, like carrots? or savings bonds?

I finally ordered the new dvd recorder/dvr I've been drooling over for months. it comes with a FREE updating program guide and a nice interface. eat that, tivo. I just can't justify paying monthly for the privilege of digital recording.

twice now I've gone into great clips attempting to get a haircut. both times there's been one stylist working, multiple people waiting, and an estimated hour wait. what the fuck? all I know is if I don't get it trimmed soon I'm going to look totally strokes-core. and I know that look's still kinda in, but it should have been out five years ago. call me a freak, but I like my men with hair that stops short of their shoulders.

our noble president has said that he opposes the designation of english as america's national language. I refuse to believe that he would actually have an intelligent opinion like that. a better explanation, I think, is that he's such a poor english speaker himself that he'd find it too embarrassing.

this brings back memories.

sometimes ignorance really is bliss. although it happened last july, I just read that the times square ho jo's is closed and gone forever. I would have been a much happier man without ever learning that.

"total eclipse of the heart" is the best song ever. naw, I'm just kidding. actually I'm not; it really is.

I think my next car may be a saturn sky. saw one yesterday and fell completely in love.

greek festival in winston this weekend! it's all about the greek coffee, which I am unable to make myself for some reason. however, I discovered that I can make a fabulous chocolate mousse from scratch. with the help of julia child's recipe, that is.

also this weekend, if we can get in, the davinci code. yeah, I'm lame. I get it. not that I wouldn't want to go anyway, but I'll see anything audrey tautou's in. I think she's one of the most beautiful women in the world. unfortunately, so does she.

the gottis are such sedgwicks.

defined:
sedgwick (n): a celebrity without notable talent or merit who would have never risen to fame without his or her association with other well known people. named for edie sedgwick, one of andy warhol's proteges. currently prominent examples are kevin federline, bijou phillips, and--of course--paris hilton.
--from Duennas and Pocket Foxes: A Guide to the Slang of Jeremy Ball and Cohorts, copyright 2003, revised 2006.

I hate fucking know-it-alls. going around all snarky and shit, starting (and ending) pointless arguments, making everyone around them feel stupid. and whether they're right or wrong (generally they're the latter, although try getting them to admit it), rubbing it in like it's the most important thing they'll ever say, instead of just letting it go. don't they realize how boorish they are, for fuck's sake? how self-righteous and pseudo-intellectual? I hope that at least a few of them mature out of it before some concerned party strangles them. but not until someone with ACTUAL intelligence teaches them some painful lesson that they won't soon forget. there was a time when I was a bit of a know-it-all, myself. I believe it plagued me in college--funny how that seems to happen, eh? I'm glad I finally realized that it just. isn't. nice. and grew up.

sorry. I really do like most people.

apparently chows are the tastiest breed of dog. I didn't know that. it's no wonder they're so mean. I also learned that the flesh of people of african descent is more prized by cannibals than "white man's flesh," which is supposedly stringy. while on my dietary research kick, I stumbled across this article, which is morbidly fascinating. imagine someone volunteering to be killed and eaten!

my vote for best comedic film of 2006 so far: an american haunting. that thing is an mst3k episode waiting to happen. maybe mike nelson will do some fabulous dvd commentary when it comes out, heh.

highly recommended to triad readers: pj's coffee and wine bar in high point, at the palladium. don't know about the wine yet, but GREAT and cheap coffee. funky nouvelle decor adds to the fun.

this is an absurdly overgeneral statement, but I'm sick and tired of current events. in general. the more I hear, the more I feel that the apocalypse is nigh. here's how it's going to go:

irate illegal immigrants are going to congregate in the vicinity of new orleans and protest by knocking down the levees. the resultant flow of water will destroy numerous chicken coops, releasing a mutant bird flu strain. everyone will catch it and die, but only because no one will be able to afford gas to get to the hospitals. the administration will offer no response, as they will be too busy eavesdropping on the telephone conversations of married gay couples trying to get ideas on how to make the democrats look bad in time for the next election.

four words to express why there's still good left in the world: inspector gadget on dvd. and I do not mean the movie.

whenever you're thinking of giving a friend advice, think about whether you'll have to qualify it with, "I'm just telling you this as a friend." if you will, don't do it. they'll probably just get pissed off and go against your advice to spite you.

it's a shame I'm so opposed to lying. I'm awfully good at it. not to mention lyeing. I mean, if you really want to get a drain unclogged...

the 'rents came down saturday and brought my grandmother to see the house. had a great time, and no one even commented on the mounds of junk that sully pretty much every room at the moment.

can't believe dean cain is almost forty. I've never thought much about him, really, but in light of that he's certainly eligible for official DILF status.

speaking of celebs, justin and I were discussing the fabulous party we're going to throw when we become rich, famous, and happening--which should happen any day now. we're trying to decide what celebs to invite. so far, the following people MUST be present: seth macfarlane, alyson hannigan (and consequently alexis denisof), scott caan, chelsea handler, drew barrymore, andy samberg, nicholas brendon, jenny lewis, adam busch, ike barinholtz, and christina ricci. oh, and henry rollins, who may end up being the oldest partygoer at this particular bash, but whothehellcareshesfuckinghenryrollins. do offer your suggestions on the matter.

thanks to the chelsea handler show (which everyone REALLY ought to watch--it's on E!) for turning me on to the existence of this little gem of dementia.

for whatever reason, whenever I learn that a film or written work deals primarily with one of the following subjects I automatically stop wanting to see/read it: war, drug trafficking, icebergs. I know I'm missing out on a lot because of that; I'm working on it.

even after learning how the minute maid company came up with its name, I still think it's dumb.

it's about time that people started giving the wallflowers the respect they deserve. I just may have to buy all their records (already have one, so need four).

remember the tv series "father dowling mysteries?" I loved that show. similarly, remember "sister kate?" not so great; I still remember the milli vanilli episode.