whee! found my phone! it was in my car the whole time. I'm so stupid sometimes.

I'm sure the majority of campus will be in attendance at the blackalicious show tonight, but I'm just not really feelin it. think I'm just gonna hang here and wait for the planned apartments party to kick in. last chance for serendipity revelry, after all, and I'd like to partake of all possible delights.

anyway, let's get this show on the road...

tonight was a disappointment after last night. got mildly tipsy and went to bryan to ogle the half-unclad bumpin and grindin at the foam party--which, admittedly, was actually pretty hot. then deep into the woods to a drum circle around a bonfire...well, it was pretty small, more of a bonbon fire. got bored and came back here to eat leftover pizza. woo friday.

I hope that I wake up in a better humor than I am now. for some reason I just feel like getting my .22 out of my closet, standing on top of frank, and letting a few bullets fly. what? you don't think I have a .22? come over here. let me push these clothes out of the way...seriously, it's fuckin serendipity already, jeremy. perk up, for cryin in the bucket. you're probably just sexually frustrated. or just abnormally dismayed at the usual mediocrity.

before I delve into complete self-absorption, time for bed.

well, last night had some positive excitement. serendipity kicked off with a bang with a big gathering of drunk people in the meadows. when that got broken up everyone just migrated back to the apartments. I don't remember most of the night, which means it was probably pretty good. ashley and emily slept on our couches. lately our apartment has become a waystation for the tired, poor, huddled masses too hammered to make it back to bryan hall. suits me just fine.

bad news: I lost my cell phone. bryan and I walked all over campus calling it but to no avail. I'll just keep checking lost and found. I'm sure I had it on me when I left here last night. sigh.

I met a really cute guy at tate street yesterday. his name's jason and he's an indie rocker. he's supposed to come by here this weekend...I think he's straight, though. but it'd be fun to hang out; we had a nice time talking.

gabe's all set to leave town on sunday. we sure will miss him. he should be by later tonight, at least I hope so.

there's a party in bryan tonight that I want to make an appearance at, but first a nip of whiskey. nothing as intense at last night--but it's just so cold outside!

"nothing ever happens in blaine..."

I certainly hope this weekend brings a bit of positive excitement worth posting about. the past couple of days have been so awfully dull. the biggest thrill was going to see "catch me if you can" at the $2 theater last night--which, granted, was a fantastic flick, but I could hardly write a novel about the experience.

I hope to go look at the proposed apartment on friday with carra and josh. hopefully that'll give me some initiative to start some real job hunting.

incidentally: ali and I decree that all inanimate objects that hitherto have had no binding and formal appellation are now to be called "linda." just go with it.

I swear, sometimes I wonder if the both of us aren't schizophrenic. if so, it could well be contagious.

so I was putting together the aforementioned list of songs and I realized that, if arranged in a certain way, they could tell a story. so I burned a cd that, when listened to from start to finish, says a lot about me--especially my relationships with people, which is one of the ways that I define myself the most. and the "jeremy soundtrack" is...

1. Lou Reed, “Andy’s Chest”
2. Sloan, “The Good in Everyone”
3. Belle and Sebastian, “Expectations”
4. Bob Dylan, “Ballad of a Thin Man”
5. Violent Femmes, “Add it Up”
6. Liz Phair, “Baby Got Goin”
7. The Ramones, “Sheena is a Punk Rocker”
8. Blur, “Boys and Girls”
9. Rufus Wainwright, “Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk”
10. Boyracer, “Tell Me Where My Hands Should Go”
11. Beulah, “If We Can Put a Man on the Moon, Surely I Can Win Your Heart”
12. The Buzzcocks, “Ever Fallen in Love?”
13. Superchunk, “Water Wings”
14. Aimee Mann, “High on Sunday 51”
15. Sleater-Kinney, “One More Hour”
16. Rilo Kiley, “The Good That Won’t Come Out”
17. Death Cab for Cutie, “Photobooth”
18. Bjork, “Army of Me”
19. Cake, “I Will Survive”
20. The Strokes, “Last Night”

if anyone wants to borrow it and get inside my brain a little, or just dig on some cool tunes, just let me know.

oscars are over! some real surprises tonight: almodovar taking screenplay, "the pianist" taking various and sundry things. all good stuff, though.

I had the most random mood swing earlier. got all weepy and self-indulgent and took off for burlington on my usual insanity drive. listened to death cab for cutie's "photobooth" on repeat for just over an hour. felt better after that somehow. I feel purged. but aren't antidepressants supposed to prevent this kind of thing...?

I've been trying to think of 20 songs that someone could listen to if they wanted a better understanding of what goes on in my head. when I think of em I'll post em.

time for post-award munchies with the crew.

so last night was a classic guilford saturday--party in 731. I got very toasty, and carra got so toasty that she couldn't quite make it home, so we snuggled here last night. got up this morning and went to lunch/shopping with kristi; I won't name names, but we discovered that we've both made out with the same guy fairly recently. funny. she's turned into a total horndog of late, and we've made a pact to prowl campus hardcore next weekend. it's serendipity, after all, guilford's certified biggest debauchery weekend. we shall see.

went to see "the pianist" last night. it was amazing, very grittily realistic. it made me realize how lucky I am to have been born in relatively civilized america during relatively civilized times. I mean, in the great cosmic scheme of things, I could just as easily have lived and died as a Jew in a concentration camp in 1940...or be currently starving to death in modern day east africa...or on the flip side, been a pampered member of the british royal family. souls are funny things.

I was in kind of a bad mood today, but then carra and ashley suggested that we go to jake's for dinner dressed in the most outlandish clothes, makeup, and accessories possible. sarah stringfield, emily, julie, and ali all got in on it. everyone either looked like complete eurotrash or a complete prosititute, or both. we turned a lot of heads. it really perked me up.

do you ever get in moods where you just feel like saying, "okay, so what now?" that's why I'm so bizarro today. it's like sitting in the middle of a big, empty field and looking around and just kind of thinking, "well..." I think it must have something to do with being single again. I'm glad to be, but at the same time I already feel starved for male attention. I dunno. whatever.

my room is in a frightening state. I must clean a bit before the oscar telecast starts.

so today was fun. ali and I went to charlotte--coffee at dean and deluca, shopping at southpark and concord mills, dinner at roadhouse, and a nice visit with josh. I bought the coolest track jacket ever and a set of shotglasses. took the shotglasses to carra and ashley's tonight where they were filled with tequila several times. partook and watched "wet hot american summer." I feel bad that I stayed over there so long; gabe came by and I totally wasn't here. hope no one wants to strangle me tomorrow.

I'm in this really self-indulgent, introspective mood now, but unfortunately I'm too tired to do anything creative with it. which is a great shame; it's been years since I've felt this wistful. c'est la vie. off to cuddle the old pillows.

ali's birthday today, whee! I was supposed to go to a journalistic ethics conference at wake today, but in all honesty, it's more important to me to 1) spend time with newly-minted 22 year olds and 2) to visit my injured friend. yeah, we're going to charlotte/concord so that we can visit josh as well. he updated his blog today, which is a good sign.

tomorrow I might have dinner with charles. I'm so pleased that we're staying friends. you know, this was the first time that I've honestly broken up with anyone, and I feel that I handled it with enough diplomacy to make jimmy carter proud. at the very least, I could probably teach george dubya a thing or two.

so I'm on this campaign to grow my hair as long as possible until it drives me nuts. for me that's not that long, really. I got some straightening stuff for it so it won't go vertical; seems to work pretty well.

after two days of cold and pouring rain it's sunny as hell and warm today. so confusing.

to blue hour tonight with bryan and gabe. had two green hornets, or as I like to call them, "liquid death:" tequila and midori. much discussion of gabe and his crush. it sure would be nice if he could catch a break.

I'm worried that lexapro is giving me headaches. I've had a low grade one all day. may have to see the doc about that.

I've been doing a lot of writing lately--prose, for a change. some of it's actually pretty good. maybe I'll submit some of it for publication when I'm happy with it.

time for beddy-bye. here's hoping that the dreams are good and plentiful...

another day at a close. ali, gabe and I were going to see "the pianist" and it was sold out. dammit, that's the second time in a row that we've tried to see a film there and it hasn't worked for some reason. then we came back and had a hysterical laughing fit over "funny wheel cars" (cars that have the continental spare thingy on the trunk) and we've decided that ali's fated to buy one. I sure hope so.

so in light of last night's grand event, I've been doing a lot of thinking about men/boys. here's a little condensed history of my interactions with them:

the power players:
father--somewhat distant, later not so, always loving. currently excellent.
brother--somewhat distant, still so, but the love's there. it's a personality thing.
h.s. best friend--acquaintance to friend to lover to boyfriend to lover to friend to nothing to friend to lover to enemy to acquaintance.

figures:
fucked: 9 (...?)
corrupted: 2 ("gay") + 1 ("straight") = 3
been corrupted by: 1
been emotionally fucked over by: 3
have been emotionally fucked over by me: 3.5

issues:
1) straight boys used to scare me
2) gay boys currently scare me
3) gay boys are all that I can have (and even that's a rare occurrence)
4) straight boys are what I want the most

current (approx):
father = good
brother = good
three great straight guy friends = fantastic, God bless 'em.
one boy haunts my dreams every night. but a dream is all he'll ever be. like the proverbial arrow, if you catch my drift. at least he thinks so...
and one boy would like to be with me forever. but something important just isn't there. more's the pity; at least he plays for the desirable team.

oh, and then there's me. he and I are getting along a little better these days. but out of all my guy/guy relationships, that one's been the toughest. and ain't no way that's changing anytime soon.

so much for profundity. more can be said for sleep. zzz...

here's what everyone is doing:

carra is rolling around on her big n' soft talking about winnie the pooh and looking like an ocelot...
ashley is practicing her founding father impersonation with a faux peacock feather...
charo is off somewhere saying "coochie coochie!"
and I am contemplating the virtues of slipcovers.

we know how to live.

well, I'm STILL too tired to make a long post tonight, but I'm using up my last dregs of energy to do this short one. nyc was so fucking cool. coming back here is like stepping into the fiery pits of hell barefoot. five days of partying hard in a different city with different people really agreed with me. there was so much debauchery--but I won't recount the details here to protect the innocent (or not so innocent, heh). sigh. well, back to the real world.

josh got hit by a car in austin on friday. the driver was drunk and came up on the sidewalk. josh got a fractured skull and doesn't remember any of it. thankfully the girl he was hanging out with was able to take care of him. everything looks to be ok, though, and he should be back here within a week.

I broke up with charles tonight. he took it well, and we're still friends and all that. I just felt that it was time to call it quits. I did a lot of thinking over break, and realized that I just wouldn't be happy in our relationship anymore. it just moved so quickly right from the start that I didn't know how serious things were going to get until they already were. I'm off the market for a while. I have too much mental weirdness to deal with for the time being...let's just say that there's a lot of very murky water that's NOT under the bridge yet that needs to be before I get back in the game.

anyway, on a lighter note (insert sarcasm here), it sho looks like the u.s. is going to war. that's a very terrible thing, but I'm not as emotional about it as some people. it sounds insensitive, but I guess I take the same head-in-the-sand approach that mom does: we can't do anything about it, so we just have to get on with our lives. I shudder to think, however, what the coming months will bring.

I'm so tired that I'm closing one eye and then the other to rest them. time for bed.

just to let everyone know, I'm back. just wrote a larger post that got erased somehow. sometimes I hate this thing. anyway, more tomorrow.

ladies and gentlemen, the crack-fest has begun. I'm working on my all-nighter. I've been packing; soon I have to go to wal-mart and get some food and coffee. in seven hours I'll be in new york! woo hoo!

the broadway strike is over and we can do everything as scheduled. I'm happy about that. I'm not so happy that I haven't heard back from any of the nyc people I've contacted to chill with while I'm there. well, they've got my number.

I did a radio show with ali from 10 to 2 to give me something to do during these wee hours. as we got progressively tireder it got progressively weirder. but it was fun and no one was traumatized. gabe hung out with us until just after one.

I bought the funniest thing I've ever purchased today at big lots. olympia dukakis brand salad dressing. it has a big olympia dukakis head on it. it's creamy feta. I hope it's not gross. well, it might be funnier if it is, really.

I suppose I should get back to my necessaries. will post again (probably at some length) on sunday.

great, great night. josh, bryan and I went to our little show this evening. first band: chris stamey. good old-school folky stuff. second band: the glands. mostly catchy, rockabilly-influenced non-sucky pop but with some twists and turns here and there. hard to describe in a few words, but great. then yo la tengo. dude. they played a lot of stuff from their upcoming record, and it was amazing. they only did two songs that I actively knew--a version of "nuclear war" and a track from "and then nothing..." that I don't remember the name of. that was fine; no complaints. for their first encore they played audience requests from a list that had been circulated. you haven't lived until you've heard ylt covering "do you know the way to san jose?" there was a second encore as well. all in all, almost five solid hours of music (from all three bands; 2 1/2 from ylt alone). sweet.

other than that, I honestly have nothing new to report. um...guess I'll go to bed. yeah. bed.

I'm pretty sleepy, but am actually forcing myself to stay up a bit longer. why? well, so I can sleep late tomorrow and therefore stay up later. therefore, I will sleep later on tuesday. THEREFORE, the fact that I'm not going to bed on tuesday night won't be as big an issue. I mean, I have to be at the airport at 5:30 am on wednesday, and that ain't gonna happen if I go to bed. this is by far the most planning I've ever put into an all-nighter, and I've planned a few in my day. watch I'll drop off to sleep at like 4 on wednesday morning or something.

I've been in a daze all day, and I hope it's just from still feeling sick. cuz I took my first lexapro last night (sorry, it didn't start with a d after all) and I'd hate to think it's made me all tired. what's the use of being a stable human being if you don't have the energy to take advantage of it?

josh and ali had an insanely good time yesterday, and I hate that I missed out on it. tomorrow night's yo la tengo, though, for which I'm very anxious.

today's randomness. I am currently obsessed with the following things: braniff airlines, the parmalat company, and the mojave phone booth. oh, and gabe's right. zwieback crackers are intrinsically funny.

so much for saturday. slept most of the day and awoke feeling somewhat better--no fever anymore, and my throat feels a little less swollen. gabe and I went to the super buffet for dinner and back here to watch "return to oz," a film of which we shall never tire. josh and ali called from m.b. around 4 today, having a blast. sigh. well, if it came down to that or feeling like death in new york, I'll take that.

speaking of new york, however, can you believe that practically all of broadway is on strike? I dunno what we'll do if we get up there with no shows to see. well, I'm assuming that we'll be given free reign to run amok as we see fit. at least I'd like to think so.

I shut myself in early tonight and watched "beautiful thing" to unwind; it was the first time I'd seen it. such a sweet little love story, unremarkable but endearing. it brought back fond memories of being 16 and discovering love myself...wait a minute, those memories aren't so fond. dammit! I hate it when that happens. although I certainly do recall that tender, covert innocence that comes with a first queer romance. "nobody knows but us, I'm so glad I found you," all that sort of thing. then we grow up, start waving pride flags, and openly quote margaret cho for all the world to hear. I certainly don't lament coming out, but there really is something to be said for closeted relationships. there's just no mystique anymore, alas!

it really sucks having such enormous sinuses that they stop only about 2 mm from where the roots of my teeth begin. every time my sinuses go awry my teeth hurt like a bitch. it makes me want to tie a rag around my head and hold my jaw melodramatically. it's so funny when people do that in old movies and things.

anyway, before I digress into total randomness, this snot rocket's hittin the hay.

so I'm starting to wonder if it's NOT the bubonic plague. I feel so terrible; I can tell I have a pretty freaky fever by the alternating sweats and chills (they're multiplying) I'm getting. the only reason I'm sitting here writing is cuz I had to get up for a popsicle and realized that I can actually breathe when I'm upright. still, bed feels sooooo good.

although I did go to the doctor today about my happy pills (I got a prescription, but I forget what they're called--something that starts with a d) and he didn't seem concerned about my illness. something going around, he said. by the way, no one clued me in that the guilford doctor is so HOT. I mean, if you like that blond-haired, blue-eyed aryan kind of hot (I do). I look forward to my follow-up appointment.

so in case it isn't yet obvious, it looks like I'm going to have to skip out on tomorrow's myrtle beach trip. which sucks not only because I have to stay here, but also because I'm out $30 on the ticket and $36 on the motel. but I can't risk overtiring myself and not being ship-shape for nyc on wednesday. which I WILL be, dammit.

oh, so bryan made it back ok, although I haven't seen him. I've heard him and hannah milling around the apartment. it might be lucky for bryan that he's been spending so little time here; he might be the only one safe from the plague.

dammit, it all comes back to being ill. I'm going to eat my popsicle and shut up about it and maybe I'll feel better. ta.

uggghhh...I am sick. I felt pretty woozy when I woke up this morning, but chalked it up to getting so little sleep. after class I hung out with carra and ashley for a couple hours, and we eventually went out to dinner. while we talked I could actually feel myself getting progressively more sniffly and headachy and sneezy until this evening I realized that it was a full-blown cold. at least, I hope that's all it is...every year I say I should get a flu shot but don't. but let's not talk like that. I'm sure it's nothing more serious than the bubonic plague. but I've been lying around in my pyjamas and moaning a lot; it seems to be my mission in life for the moment.

last I heard bryan was stuck in carrboro with a dead car. josh couldn't pick him up (too much work), I couldn't pick him up (too much snot), ali couldn't pick him up (too much lack of license/car). I dunno what he's done about his situation. note to readers: get AAA cards, for cryin in the bucket. sure it's like a whole $30 a year, but you never know when you'll need it.

so gabe's still moving back to santa fe this month, but NOW he's planning to move BACK here in december. aroo? well, I guess the work experience he can get at home will help him land something here. and I certainly won't complain about having him around.

carra was nice enough to let me sponge off her considerable cd collection, so maybe I'll listen to something besides rilo kiley for a change tonight...eh, maybe not. I've put too much mental energy into my r.k. obsession to drop it just yet. mazzy star, rufus wainwright et al. will wait patiently for me, I'm sure.