a disturbing occurrence this weekend. saturday night saw a full fledged panic attack, the first I've had in over a year. not a very bad one, really, but they're never fun. I'd been feeling tense all day, and finally just lost it.

which brings me to a point: I am losing it. of late I've been feeling like I'm completely falling apart. my mind wanders to places that it shouldn't go, at least not so often. I worry myself sick for no reason, I feel violently angry for no reason. I can't control my feelings anymore. my zoloft is doing its job--no depression in the mix--so that's not an issue.

but that's not the worst. until recently it was, but now I find myself acting in ways that seem beyond my control. I say things that are inappropriate, and do things that I know are wrong. I can't stand myself lately, and I'm sure a lot of people are starting to share that feeling about me. no one likes to stand too close to a loose cannon.

and it's all made worse by the concern that, if I can't control myself a bit more, I'm going to end up losing everyone and everything I care about. justin's been supportive to no end, and so far the fam and the friends have been the same. but there's only so much one human being can take--don't I know it. and deny it though they may, I'm convinced that I will end up alone if I don't start treating people in a way that they deserve.

so I guess I'm going to have to talk with dr. mckinney about more than just meds for a change. I know enough about psych to surmise that a lot of my problems have arisen from an increasing awareness of both The Past and The Future, and that I need to start really dealing with both. because every day can't keep being a struggle. wish me luck, folks.

hmmph. an unfortunate realization: for the first time since I've been working at o.d. I am flat broke. stupid car insurance. well, at least the bills will get paid. barely.

willow had her first trip to the vet on monday. she did very well with her shots. she had worms, though--got that taken care of. she goes in for spaying and declawing in a few weeks. I'm against declawing, but with the liking she's taken to my furniture it's either that or she goes back to live with mom (who would have her declawed). and I couldn't part with her!

a very exciting development: although I've been planning for some time to buy a house this summer, it turns out that I may get to have one built! there's a new development in northeast gso (read: EXTREME boonies) that offers stunning custom built houses at prices that are actually quite reasonable. it's not my ideal location--not ghetto, just rural; the nearest starbucks is at least fifteen minutes away--but if I live anywhere else in the city I'll probably have to settle for a condo or townhouse. and this way we can get things just the way we want. the three of us go out there on sunday to talk shop.

somehow I've got to scrape up the money to see the dentist. my gums are in bad shape, despite my persnickety oral hygiene. I refuse to taste blood around the clock if I don't at least get the sexy stigma of being a vampire.

realized something very important about justin today. he's even more amazing than he was yesterday. can't wait for tomorrow!

speaking of tomorrow, it's today. bed.

I had one of THOSE nights at work. I've gotten so used to my job being predictable and smooth that the slightest little thing going off kilter gets me bent out of shape. if there was liquor in the house I'd say I need a drink. but wishes, horses. I'll just say I need kool aid. that I can satisfy.

still not over the ring. it's like when you first go out driving alone after getting your license. it feels great, it feels like the thing to do. but at the same time it feels naughty, like you're expecting someone to stop you. well, ain't nobody stopping this, muthafucka. if the world comes to an end tomorrow, vows are getting said during the apocalyptic fallout.

I always make resolutions, and I always break them. the sensible thing to do is not make any.

my resolutions for 2005
1) lose ten pounds.
2) until april, save every other paycheck for the house. after april, save at least $100 per week.
3) be a better correspondent where my friends are concerned.
4) make a definite decision about my career path and schooling.
5) be the best fiance in the world.

number five is of most importance. it encompasses keeping my relationship happy, healthy, and interesting, being open minded about wedding plans and contributing good ideas of my own, and getting said plans arranged in a timely fashion.

yikes. losing ten pounds seems pretty easy, eh?

so I was going to wait a bit on this, but since justin did a blog post and it's all too easy to link there from here, now seems to be the time.

I got an engagement ring for Christmas.

did we move fast? sure we did. but I'm just as sure that it's the right thing. I wouldn't have accepted otherwise. I really believe that neither justin nor myself has ever been more sure of a decision. although there's still some shock yet to wear off. I keep looking down at the third left and thinking, "wow, it's there. it's really there." it seems impossible, somehow.

answers to FAQs:
1) Christmas night, about 11:30 pm. us, the floor in front of my unused fireplace, our other gifts and torn wrapping paper surrounding. it was inside a box inside a box inside a box inside a box. no official popping of the question--he was that sure, dammit. my reply to unasked question: "you did remember my size?"
2) white gold with five diamonds. the pics were blurry or I'd show y'all here. soon he'll be receiving one from me...seems only fair.
3) spring/fall 2006. gives us time to get the house settled and make the needed plans. and gives justin time to come to his senses, should he make the unfortunate choice to do so.
4) we might go to ma or vt, not sure yet. but there will be a ceremony/reception in nc.

but the whole sitch helps answer one of my questions too, one that's been buggin me for years. several times I've thought I've been in love, but it never lasted. I once asked a wise friend her advice. her take was that, if you can easily imagine spending the rest of your life with someone, then it's love. that seemed sensible enough. but now that I've got the real mccoy, I know that it entails a lot more.

for one thing: can you easily imagine spending the rest of your life without said person? if not, that's a good sign.

for another: does every dream of yours, every goal you have, everything you strive for, suddenly have new meaning and purpose? by that I mean--do you suddenly start thinking of those things in terms of how they apply to your relationship? another good indicator.

however, listen up, folks, because THIS is the strongest sign of all: you know you're in love when you realize that you're scared as hell...all the time. you're afraid because, no matter how wonderful things are, there's always a chance that something could happen. maybe nothing with either of you personally, but something caused by outside forces. you're afraid because, if something did happen, your life wouldn't mean anything anymore. and all the little scares, all the phobias, everything that you've feared before--none of it frightens you for the sake of "me" anymore. it frightens you for "us." that's love, friends.

but I'll tell you something else. it's worth it. I have much more than I deserve; chalk it up to being incredibly, insanely lucky. as unsure as I tend to be about my future, it's wonderful to feel so certain about something so amazing.

I'm the happiest guy in the world.

a few Christmas pics in thousand words. more to come.

as per usual, Christmas day was a slow one--lots of sleep for yours truly. the evening got off to a rocky start, but ended on a high note truly worth writing about. but not tonight. in a few days, once I collect my thoughts a bit more...

well, Christmas eve certainly was interesting. never spent part of it in an emergency room before. mom slipped and fell in the kitchen, hitting her arm on the barstool. the resulting bruise/blood blister was so nasty looking that a trip to brmc was in order, we all thought. the doc on call basically laughed us out of the hospital for being hypochondriacal (?), but better safe than sorry.

aside from that, things were good. the absences of madame matthews, mademoiselle phlegar, and monsieur bucher were notable and for the most part regrettable (translation: debbie and laura had to stay in pennsylvania this year. oh yeah--patrick did too). rick and pam, gran, aunts and crew were all about. the food was great, and the presents were better; lots of dvds for me this year! no snow, unless you looked at the top of the mountain. eh.

the holidays wouldn't be the same without booze, and I've discovered that I like white port. but I'm worried that drinking it is in bad taste, much like imbibing white zinfandel or wine spritzers. so don't spread it around.

jamie oliver = hot. I just watched him wash a cucumber. why can't my eyes be that blue, or blue at all? since that's not technically possible, why can't contacts agree with me more?

some guy online was talking about not being "biosexual." what the hell is that, wanting to hump flowerbeds? idiot.

the house is going bump in the night. either the dog or the ghosts are restless. either way, I'm used to it here.

I've loaned mum my copy of brideshead revisited until my birthday. that's brave of me, I must say. speaking of birthday, my amazon wish list isn't going anywhere. haw haw. hee haw, even.

speaking of hee haw, minnie pearl would be in bed now. I'll try to be more like her. well, the way she was. not now. she's dead. I'll sleep. not the big sleep. just a little one. a night's worth. or thereabouts.

hershey's take 5 is the best candy bar ever. I haven't been so profoundly affected by a confection since my first fizzy bottle cap. everyone buy lots of them, because if they're discontinued I'll lose my will to live.

I wonder if I shouldn't talk with my friendly shrink about my views on sex, as it has come to my attention lately that they're skewed to a distracting point. I've always said that sex is sex: no strings, no violins, just 2+ people making each other feel nice. I've certainly had my share of encounters like that (the exact number is classified info, not to mention open to interpretation--besides, I like being a man of mystery). I've got no regrets, and feel no shame. but when I hear about other people behaving all freaky, I can literally get sick to my stomach just before I climb on my high moral horse. and there's not a lot I haven't done, so on top of nauseated I feel hypocritical. it's like I feel so threatened by sex--maybe because I've never been afraid to use it as a weapon myself. doctor jekyll and mister hyde warring within. could be I do have regrets. are they about what was or what might have been? I just wish I could stop making it such an issue.

that said, my current sexual behavior is perfectly respectable. by liberal standards, anyway. thank you very much.

now that it's available on dvd, I recommend that everyone (especially john irving fans) rent the door in the floor. good stuff; the section of the novel that it adapts is the most faithful adaptation I've ever seen. hmm...petrified fountain post? it's been a while.

I never create anything anymore. my goal for the upcoming week is to write something, even if it's just a freakin haiku. or take a few decent pictures. the mental stagnation is intolerable.

speaking of intolerable and/or upsetting things: stupid forsyth county getting the new dell plant. grr. also, almost as bad as "kewl" is abbreviating people as "ppl." grrrrrrr.

almost time to pack up the pussoir and head for the hills. and a hap-hap-happy holiday to all!

today's word to the wise: don't let the cowboy hat fool you.

st. peter's basilica has a coffee bar.
fuh-nee.

ha! how perfect.


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great weekend. went with justin, josh, and rachel to the matisse/picasso exhibit at the nc museum of art in raleigh. I love museums. great works of art--even mediocre ones--intimidate me, but stir me in such wonderful ways. and seeing them with rachel is even better, since she seems to know which ones I should find intimidating! then to cheesecake factory for dinner and southpoint for final (theoretically) Christmas shopping.

you know, I hate to rain on anyone's holiday parade. and I hate even more to sound like a right-winger; anyone who knows me well enough to be reading this knows that I'm not. but I have real issues with non-Christians celebrating Christmas. I understand that, regardless of religious beliefs, it can serve as a time for togetherness and goodwill and family and all that good stuff. but for so many people, the only excitement to be gleaned from Christmas seems to come from exchanging gifts, decorating, and eating slightly better food than usual. take away the religious aspect of the holiday and there's not much left. it seems so hypocritical to me that there are people unwilling to acknowledge Jesus' greatness yet will use His birth as an excuse to party. I'm by no means intolerant--you'll never catch me trying to convert my atheist/agnostic/Buddhist/Wiccan/what have you friends. and voyage isn't going to turn into "scary Christian blog." it's just this one thing that bothers me. chalk it up to another one of my weird quirks.

I really will try to upload some new pics to my webshots account soon. I just need to snap and scan a few more.

jeremy's product endorsement of the moment: zilactin. you can feel that stuff working.
jeremy's product condemnation of the moment: cetaphil. jeez, plain water does just as well.

undecided on new year's plans. I actually DON'T have to work on either the eve or the day, so something's gotta happen. ideas?

the most annoying thing in the world:
spelling "cool" as "kewl."

emmet otter's jugband Christmas is now available on dvd. anyone want my vhs copy?

scene from my life:
(jeremy rummages in desk, takes out ballpoint pen, scribbles on paper, sighs)
"why can't I ever find a functioning pen, dammit?"
(puts defunct pen back in desk drawer for the nth time)

now I'm really going to sleep.

what a wretched few days. on wednesday I woke up sick. not starting to feel sick, not on the verge, but full on sick. went to work, but not on thursday--went to urgent care instead. it seems I've caught a highly contagious virus that basically causes your stomach and intestines to go on strike, as well as causing fever and aches. I felt well enough to go to work tonight, but I'm so weak; I can't eat anything at all without seeing it again a short while later. supposedly it'll blow over in a day or two. I just hope no one I know gets it. only then will they understand the true meaning of the word hatred.

I bought a swank leather chair at garden ridge on sunday, and since then have been trying to arrange transportation to get it here. I think I'm going to have to resort to ratcheting it to the top of the volvo. if only I could get an old woman to sit in it on the way home, a la granny clampett.

justin is the greatest guy in the world. I know that's a non sequitur, but it just felt right to say.

off to get some sleep that hopefully won't be punctuated with trips to the fabled porcelain goddess.

I dreamed last night that I was working in a dairy. dream dictionaries are a load of crap, but if you believe them that's one sweet omen.

picture this: everyone you know.

picture them: knowing everything about you. everything.

now answer this: where did everyone go?

I hate to quote myself, but I'm quite proud of a comment I made on tonight's lunch break:

"if the apocalypse happens tomorrow, someone's gonna have to resurface the ice."

I could explain. but do you really want me to?

big news: changed shifts at work. I'm now a 7-3:30 employee. the extra hour in the evenings is nice, and there's some real closure in staying at the office until everything is done. and no more of that 5 o'clock friday crap.

I believe that I'm having some delayed aftereffects from the 2004 presidential election. until recently, my reaction was: "damn. bush won again." now, it's: "damn. bush won. again." what was left of my disappointment has turned into full blown dismay.

for anyone who's interested, my amazon.com wish list is posted just in time for Christmas--just search for jeremy ball (I'm the one in greensboro, duh). and please support triad health project: all you gotta do is, rather than going straight to amazon, go first to josh's blog and click on the amazon.com link on the right side. details of the fundraiser are also posted there. for all your holiday shopping needs.

by the way, how the hell did december get here so fast?

it's good to cry once in a while. right?

what I want for Christmas: a 9 to 5 job.

position: I dunno, whaddya got?

location: gso metro.

salary: $35000+

my resume: I have a nearly valueless B.A.; its primary use is to make people think that I know what I'm talking about. I'm a charismatic self-starter who's qualified for just about anything, provided that it's nothing. I do NOT have 2-5+ years of experience in "the field," and won't be able to get it unless some poor sucker hires me. I'm detail oriented when it suits me. I'm independent and have experience successfully delegating responsibility and managing task forces (read: I'm a pigheaded boob who doesn't play very well with others). my strong suit is my uncanny ability to consistently show up on time (give or take 10 minutes), do my job relatively well, and leave as quickly as possible.

please contact me for a copy of my portfolio. if you want one without mustard stains, give me a while.