back in blueworld. really needed to escape life in 4109. still no job news, not even any word from freakin blockbuster video. am I that unemployable? also, as cute as the kitten is that carra brought home, I'm tired of cleaning up its messes, especially since she seems to always crap on the carpet when I'm making food. maybe it'll have started using the litterbox by the time I return.

speaking of returning, I'm so worried about getting work. I've done some major priority reevaluation lately. I initially thought it'd be worth it to work a crappy job and pay my own bills if I could be in GSO with my friends. nope. don't think so. besides, I can't even seem to get a crappy job, much less a nice one.

as much as I'd hate to do it (and as precarious a position that it would put josh in), if I can't find something halfway decent by the end of the summer, I may just have to come back and live here. for my bank account and my sanity. I'm really trying to find a job, though, because that's the last thing I want to happen. I'm not asking for an executive position, just something that doesn't involve asking about super sizing. but I think I probably will find something...won't I?

furthermore, I've become so much more aware of the necessity of job security that I'm strongly considering applying to doctorate programs in clinical psychology again. not that an advanced degree in psych would guarantee work, but it would be a more sure thing that film. sigh. we'll see.

back to "e true hollywood story: rosie." gotta love this life.

back in blueworld. really needed to escape life in 4109. still no job news, not even any word from freakin blockbuster video. am I that unemployable? also, as cute as the kitten is that carra brought home, I'm tired of cleaning up its messes, especially since she seems to always crap on the carpet when I'm making food. maybe it'll have started using the litterbox by the time I return.

speaking of returning, I'm so worried about getting work. I've done some major priority reevaluation lately. I initially thought it'd be worth it to work a crappy job and pay my own bills if I could be in GSO with my friends. nope. don't think so. besides, I can't even seem to get a crappy job, much less a nice one.

as much as I'd hate to do it (and as precarious a position that it would put josh in), if I can't find something halfway decent by the end of the summer, I may just have to come back and live here. for my bank account and my sanity. I'm really trying to find a job, though, because that's the last thing I want to happen. I'm not asking for an executive position, just something that doesn't involve asking about super sizing. but I think I probably will find something...won't I?

furthermore, I've become so much more aware of the necessity of job security that I'm strongly considering applying to doctorate programs in clinical psychology again. not that an advanced degree in psych would guarantee work, but it would be a more sure thing that film. sigh. we'll see.

back to "e true hollywood story: rosie." gotta love this life.

back in greensbohemia after four delightful--albeit tiring--days. best to summarize those days as follows:

Lists--The Chicago Trip

A. Ten Things I Learned on the Chicago Trip
1) Long road trips (17 hours up, almost 20 back) are a blast, at least if you're in a comfy car with cool people.
2) Indiana is large and boring and very confusing when you're trying to establish what time zone you're in.
3) Toyota Camrys get ridiculously good gas mileage.
4) The ending theme song from Wild Things is by Morphine.
5) Berea, KY is even more wonderful than I'd thought possible.
6) Brynn rules. I mean, I already liked her, but now I'm aware that she rules.
7) Yoga mat notwithstanding, sleeping on sorority house floors is a rough way to go (not that I didn't appreciate it).
8) I shouldn't try to get around interstate tollbooths by driving directly through major metropolitan areas. It's not clever; it's just being a cheap bastard.
9) Playing air flute is much funnier than air guitar.
10) I should look at grad school options in Chicago.

B. Five Things That Make Chicago Superior to NYC
1) Kickass pizza
2) Less image conscious
3) Gorgeous Lake Michigan
4) MUCH cheaper
5) Downtown area is cleaner and prettier to look at

C. Five Things That Make Chicago Inferior to NYC
1) Sloooow public transport
2) Freakin cold
3) Somewhat less nightlife
4) Street system makes less sense
5) Um...I can't think of five (see List A, Item 10).

D. Ten Funny Things Between GSO and Chicago
1) Stinking Creek Road
2) Gourmet popcorn farm
3) Man o' War Boulevard
4) Slush Puppie warehouse
5) the Knoxville Sunsphere
6) fallen rock painted and dressed up beside road
7) KFC museum
8) water tower that says "Florence Y'all!"
9) water tower that says "[forgotten name of town] (for pete's sake!)"
10) Berea in general

E. Ten Things I Did in Berea
1) Got coffee (twice, once with scone)
2) Stayed at Days Inn
3) Drove
4) Used toilet (various times)
5) Smoked cigarette
6) Was a streetcorner tough
7) Bought a hoodie
8) Showered
9) Hung around college campus
10) Took motel pamphlet just because it said "Berea" on it

the picnic was nice. it ended up just being me, james, carra, and charles with some kfc in the park, but it was good. the weather's still nippy, but pretty enough. ended up coming back to 4109 for tequila and movies. watched harold and maude for the first time in a while last night. I had forgotten how powerful it is; it's the kind of movie that changed lives upon its release and still does.

I have absolutely got to find a steady job. being kept in suspense by spherion is not helping my sanity or my wallet.

segway into: lately I've felt like my life has become a complete vacuum. seen groundhog day? than you have some idea of how I'm existing. I've gone through periods like this before, where absolutely nothing happens. but as living off-campus is less conducive to random events, could this vacuum last indefinitely? although I'm happy with my social life, it's still markedly limited compared to what I'm used to. I guess it just takes some time to adjust; not working has made me feel isolated as well.

up until now, I think part of me has believed that my new situation was only temporary, that I'd go back to the same-old same-old at guilford before too long. the novelty has worn off; the apartment has become more of a fact than a toy, and I've become steadily more aware of how much is going on in the world around me. emphasis on "around."

not that I'm unhappy, exactly. I couldn't be more pleased with my roommate, my home, and my friends. I'm just...numb, and upset with myself for not being more productive. that will change.

anyway, time to nudge my chin a little higher and keep on doin what I'm doin.

no beach yesterday; tia had to work really late so we've put it off til another time. fine by me. I was able to conserve some money, at least, which I've been trying to do. although I blew $10 today on the hipster handbook at barnes and noble. it's hilarious but also scary, really--I have hipster characteristics that I didn't even know were hipster characteristics. if you like a good chuckle at the expense of indie kids, give it a look-see. it's deck.

hope the rain has stopped for good. have planned a memorial day picnic for tomorrow for eight or so people to be held at battleground park. well, if it's nasty we can have it indoors.

heather has yet to be in touch, but I'll give her a day or two before I harass her. I sure would like to hear, though, whether I have a shot at the wrangler job. just to cover all my bases, I'm picking up an application tomorrow at--gulp--blockbuster. of course on tuesday I can call the wonderful folk at spherion to hear how dismal my situation is there. I'm starting to believe that temp work ain't for supporting yourself; it's for bored hausfraus who are sick of the junior league. hooray for bachelor's degrees.

now that I've checked, the skies are supposed to clear up tomorrow. maybe some sunshine will brighten my outlook a little. it could use a bit.

oh! and! very, very good news:

the dvd release date for bartleby has finally been announced for july 8.
by the same token, the special edition dvd of duel is AT LAST coming out on august 12.

have I pre-ordered both yet?

what do you think?

well, I've been up for two whole hours now. I thought it might take until at least july for carra and I to start feeding each other's craziness, but no. we stay up until dawn every night just bullshitting, but last night it degenerated into both of us lying down and smacking ourselves in the head with our feet making "meeeeeeehhhhhhhhh" sorts of noises. not that I'd have it any other way.

had a nice night out with heather last night. we saw a mighty wind--granted it's not as good as the other christopher guest flicks, but it's definitely and absolutely worth seeing. then to coffee, then to ny pizza for $2 guinness with heather #2 and a crew of their friends. get this: so there are openings for interns doing various computer things at wrangler. the pay's $10/hr, it's full time, and I have experience with the right software. heather's going to tweak my resume so the suits there will like it. granted it's probably just a summer opportunity, but it would be reliable work until the fall. I won't hold my breath, but we'll see what happens.

which brings me to spherion. nothing yet. memorial day weekend and all, they weren't expecting anything and I shouldn't have been. but it's frustrating. I'm still only one very small step removed from unemployed. hence the wedging feet into other doors.

the forecast for wilmington metro is clear skies for tomorrow, so atlantic ocean here I come, provided natia is still free. as much as I value time to myself, I don't want to expend resources just to hang out at the beach by myself all day.

speaking of the beach, I think I'll go eat dinner.

sorry about the unprecedented few days of not posting; I'm sure everyone's been heartbroken. so I got the spherion job, whee! my computer testing was enough to counterbalance my lack of experience, thankfully (who knew that I could type 83 wpm with no mistakes?!). I call tomorrow to get my first work assignment. although I hope this one's fairly short-term--I still want to go to chicago w/josh, and will certainly do so provided that I'm not workin. I'm not thrilled to be working as a temp, really, so I'm keeping my eyes peeled for other opportunities. but as long as I get the rent paid, and it ain't food service.

sidenote: I went for some coffee after leaving spherion's offices. can I just say how many weird looks you get wearing a tie on tate street? especially when you pull up in a big honkin suv?

addendum to sidenote: I miss my car, but it should be ready shortly.

carra is also employed as of yesterday! she begins work tomorrow, at fye. speaking of josh...

last night was good. emily, tom, and charles all stayed over. there was much drinking of rum to celebrate the end of involuntary gabin' in 4109. charles conked out early, so I was a gracious host and let him have my bed while I couched it. before bed, though, carra and I sat on the lanai (patio to you non-golden girls fans) and talked until almost 6:00 a.m. about a little of everything. loved it.

natia and I are headed for the coast on saturday, provided the weather's fine. haven't been to an nc beach since I was a toddler. should be a hip-hoppin good time.

time to go shopping for a computer desk. I'm so sick of sitting on the floor to print out resumes.

I was contacted today about interviewing for a position at spherion. spherion is a staffing firm, so I'm not certain exactly where I'd be working. nor am I exactly certain what the position in question entails. I know only that I have the basic skills required for a full-time job which pays in the low 20s per year. come tuesday at 2 pm, we'll find out.

had dinner at backstreets with nicole, then tagged along while she bra shopped at vickie s. she's quite stoked about med school, which I understand. ah, to have such direction!

the poltergeist in my parents' house has been particularly active since I've been here. I'm puttering around my room when a round rug--which had been wedged firmly behind a bookcase--rolls out on its edge and circles into the middle of the floor. yesterday a stack of videotapes randomly fell.

for those of you not familiar with the house's history, the original owner was murdered and his daughter later died here (in my room). we're always finding things around the house that no one owns or has put there, like Christmas lights and pairs of jeans. the antique clock upstairs randomly chimes, although no one winds it. there's one bedroom in the house that several people have refused point blank to enter, for no reason that they could name. a ball of blue fire once shot across the bedroom adjacent to that one. footsteps have been heard walking down from upstairs, although no one is there. and once I was awakened by a pounding outside on my wall, although my bedroom is one story up.

I love this house.

anyway, time for my reruns. if only the stupid dog would shut up barking; he only does it to hear himself. I need to look up the location of the nearest sausage factory and brandish the address at him.

I was looking at some recent (as in past few days) pictures of me tonight, and there's just no delicate way to put it. I cannot believe how fat I've gotten. stepping on the scales confirmed it; I weigh the most I ever have. I know not a lot of people think I'm overweight, but you'd be surprised how much you can hide under the right clothes. I'm not judging myself in terms of society, or in relation to any of my friends or family, but by my own standards. no more of this rampant snackage. diet time, hardcore.

and will some employer please contact me, if only to say "drop dead?" thanks a heap.

ah, the joys of "nature's air conditioned city!" I'm having a swell time watching reruns and scarfing crap. tonight I've managed to put away reese's bites, two hot dogs, some beef jerky, two popsicles, fruit by the foot, and quite a lot of gummi bears. all washed down with dr. pepper. my periodic intense cravings for dr. pepper are, like my attraction to david faustino, something that I will never completely understand. now I just have to decide if I want to start in on the hostess donuts and risk being violently ill.

Q: why is tv land the best network ever?
A: macguyver reruns. I really have to get cable at my apartment.

funniness at wal-mart tonite: there was a very trailer trash chic couple in front of me in line. in addition to their groceries, there was a leopard print negligee for her (I suppose) and a pair of iridescent blue boxers for him. I had to choke back an urge to walk up, nudge them, and mutter, "send me the reprints, ay? ay?" upon going to my car I spotted them sucking face in their s-10 pickup.

I can only hope that their case of dog food won't be a factor in their exploits.

got an e-mail from letter arts book club today. the position I applied for has been filled. sigh. well, it wasn't one I wanted much anyway. still. I keep having to tell myself, "you're not a bum. bums don't actively look for jobs." I figure I have enough socked away to sit on my ass all summer and wait for the perfect job to come along, but I just can't do that. come june, mickey d's, here I come.

think I might pour another pepper and take a bath.

STILL haven't gone back to bluefield, but I honestly do plan to tonight. I've just had so much to do, straightening and organizing. and be proud: I've applied for so many jobs that I can't remember what they all are. I'm absolutely perfect for the content editor position at thedepot.com; I meet all of their requirements and their "pluses." let's just hope they see it.

ran into heather and her friend heather at tate street yesterday; they talked me into dinner and drinks at the exchange. I didn't know "other heather" very well, and it's often difficult for me to talk with new people. but when she started tossing back martinis and parliaments and brought up saddle creek records, I knew it would be just fine. hope I see more of both of them.

that encounter was also great in that it helped allay my fears of post-GuilCo loneliness. I've been so scared about the campus-GSO social transition. but so far no prob. of course, having such a wonderful apartment-mate helps.

there were sketchy workmen installing the new linoleum in my bathroom when I left. hope they finish by the time I get back.

finally I'm pretty much shut of campus. lots more moving today, more than I'd thought. the car's still full, but I'll have a lot more energy to empty it tomorrow.

the drive to raleigh with beth was great, though. her visit was so much fun, like nothing had changed since she left two years ago. and dammit, she'd better come back for some more chillin ASAP!

speaking of driving...I put one big motherfucking dent in the car today. driving around to the front of the campus apartment I absentmindedly sideswiped the light pole. the entire passenger side door is dented in and scraped. I'm going to ask mom if I could trade her the passat for the 4runner for a while and she and dad could take care of the car's cosmetic and mechanical needs in the meantime. otherwise I'll just put it off. veronica, I'm so sorry. you deserve better than me.

I hear tell that there are full time positions open at both the rhino times and the jamestown news. but I heard that rhino has strong republican affiliations, which I wasn't aware of. can anyone confirm or disconfirm that? because honestly, I'd rather work at mickey d's than for republicans.

carra and I had a superb dinner tonight at sushi rock. best raw fish I've ever eaten. a little on the expensive side, but I will absolutely go there again.

started reading a confederacy of dunces today. totally hilarious. all the characters are chronically irritable and complaining, kind of like myself and my pals. and someone's accused of being a communist on almost every page.

also stopped at cd alley today for a quick browse; on impulse bought a used copy of the starlight mints' dream that stuff was made of. my indie snob review: what pavement would sound like if they were an elephant 6 band. my non-snob review: the best album I've bought in a very long time. go get it.

I'm actually getting around to driving back to wv tomorrow, so I'm gonna head home for some sleepage. the earlier start I get, the quicker I can get to the dq for a chili dog.

well, that's it. I'm an alum (and I don't mean the funky powdered stuff that makes your mouth pucker up). graduation was bearable enough; hot as hell, but tolerable. many nice checks/cash sums from relatives, and lots of good visiting time. I guess it was because I was just so tired, but it was rather anticlimactic. tomorrow, after a "good" night's rest, we'll see how I feel.

for now, I've just come back from a decent hildebrandt party. I was in a bizarre mood, all tipsy and yelling funny things. I enjoyed it; for my last real guilford party, not bad. I did see the everlasting aforementioned crush though--the one I discussed my feelings with--hanging onto the titsy chick again. how do I feel about him? I certainly like him. a lot. I certainly find him attractive. scintillatingly so. but...love? it's fair, I think, to claim love when you've known someone for four years. but in my experience, I'm not sure that I can pin down just what love is. at any rate, I'm glad to have a week at home. I need to put it behind me. out of sight, out of mind. we can only hope.

beth, ali and I left the hildy party and chilled out by the lake. I drifted in and out of consciousness, watching the stars and the light on the water. it was beautifully quiet and introspective, just what I needed tonight. and you know what? this is a difficult thing to express in words...but I feel ready for whatever happens next. just like that. watching the sky I started to feel stronger, to feel less afraid of the future. I know it's cheesy, but I feel ready to give a new life the old college try...well, the old post-graduate try. wish me luck; hope it's not just the sloe gin talking.

gotta get up at 10; giving beautiful beth a ride to the raleigh airport. time for some schluffy.

God, let me stay positive.

as I need to be at jake's diner for breakfast in about four hours anyway, I have given up on bed. so much the better for a pre-graduation, sappy, introspective blog entry.

I know a lot of fancy words. I can even spell some of them (otolaryngologist--eat it, baby). but nothing in my vocabulary can express the glut of emotion I feel upon spending my last night at guilford college. as often as I find fault with my school...only to be mine for a precious few more hours...it's not half as often as I'm willing to kiss the long brick path leading up to founders hall in sheer, utmost gratitude. I owe my parents a lot. I owe my friends a lot. but nothing touches the debt that I am in to guilford, and we're not talking about student loans here. if not for this sometime-hellhole of higher education, I don't know who I'd be. and, believe it or not, I like who I am. for the most part, anyway.

from first-year laundry sack races through second floor binford to the drunken staggerings of senior year, it's all been worth every fucking minute. I've gone from being a tommy hilfiger obsessed skaterprep (bleached blonde and all) to...well...to someone very different. more grounded, yet somehow more focused on fun. more idealistic, yet more cynical. comparing 1999 jeremy to 2003 jeremy is so absurd that it's almost pointless to try.

so much water under these bridges. I've loved and been loved, loved and lost, loved and never had. I've tried things that I never would have considered in high school. I've developed the sense not to try things that I once considered. and most of all--God yes, most of all--made the best friends that anyone could ever wish for. some of them are true veterans, there from day one. some are recent acquisitions, and some have faded into sepia tones. and I wouldn't trade any of them for all the sushi in l.a.

I know what a paradigm is now. I know what peppermint schnapps tastes like. I recognize the glory that is cook out at 2 a.m.

and that leads up to the worst part. it's 3:52 a.m. at the moment. in roughly eight hours I will no longer be "jeremy the guilford college student." that's something that I take great pride in being, something that defines me. and I have absolutely no idea what my next identity will be. but whatever it is--for the rest of my life--it wouldn't be possible without these fabulous four years.

I thank the greatest family anyone's ever had. I thank my friends (see preceding description). I thank God.

and I thank Guilford.

next entry: "real world jeremy."

good night.

one more thing. looking back in my archives I realize that I first started talking about slipcovers almost two months ago. I finally got some. so I'll never mention them in this journal again.

for the past 24-odd hours, I have been possessed. I have become completely overtaken by my desire to get the apartment completely and perfectly squared away. after superhuman efforts, however, it's pretty much done. but here's everywhere I've been during this past day (parentheses are for times visited):

Target (5)
Wal-Mart (3)
Garden Ridge (2)
Linens n' Things (2)
Dollar Tree
Ben Franklin Crafts
Lowe's
Home Depot
Herbie's (hey, gotta eat sometime)
BP (hey, gotta smoke sometime)
Pier One
K-Mart
CVS
Walgreen's
Bed Bath and Beyond

all. in. one. day. but it's been worth it.

tonight's the big final senior party. I hope that everyone focuses enough on having a good time that we don't get all mushy.

gotsta run some errands (including a haircut, hopefully) before grabbing some dinner.

great party this eve. 731 had a power hour. I'd certainly call it a successful one from a personal standpoint: drank much, smoked much, kissed two people. OH...and...'fessed up to my crush. told him what I thought of him, for how long, and insinuated that we should see more of each other after graduation.

his response: "aww! thanks!"

not the romantic interlude that I'd dreamed of, but nice. at least if he A) comes to his senses and realizes what he's missing or B) gets desperate, he knows how I feel. and it certainly is a weight off my chest. speaking of chests, I think his attention was taken up by a hot chick with visible nipples anyway. upon noticing this I attempted to make mine more prominent by holding shana's beer against them. this worked, but she must have had something else I didn't. a vagina? well, if that's what he was in the mood for, I guess I'll just have to concede.

went to the apartment tonight to drop some things off and almost had a heart attack when I saw that my light was on. it was carra, sara kate, and catherine all high and into decorating the apartment in the most tacky fashion possible. we're talking plastic buddhas, gummi bear lights, and cheesy picture frames here. all as a joke, mind, and a very funny one at that. I love my friends!

I'm on my second packet of ramen, which means I should probably go to bed. shana and I may go to the beach tomorrow, so I should rise early.

okay, so last night's posts were just a little negative. bad mood--I honestly don't feel like throwing myself off the top of the jefferson pilot building today (although if it meant seeing that uber-riche social club that's up there, it might be worth it). I ended up sleeping until sunset today; all the better for my all-nighter. carra and I are both busy bees this eve; she will be joining me for an IHOP run this morning. then it's off to the mass media final, then to move in to the new apartment!

I was hard on a lot of people last night, too. to all: I apologize.

ali's sister jessie's here, and I'm glad. even in the hour or so I got to spend with her tonight, she's been more fun and talkative than I've seen her yet. even better that she's here for an entire week; it'll be great to get a chance to really get to know her better.

I'm fresh out of adderall, and that ain't good. hope I'll have time to get my prescrip filled at cvs before the exam at noon. whee!

not the greatest night in the world.

having such a nasty evening, I thought it might be nice to have a sleep in my good old bed at home. I drove to my house and found rick upstairs in his room, dad in my parents' bedroom, mom on the couch to escape dad's snoring, and all of laura's things in my room (home for prom). mom woke up long enough to say hi when I came in. and to offer me the other end of the couch.

I promptly drove back here. although I shouldn't have driven in such an emotional state; I'm sure that the cop who ticketed me for doing 79 in a 65 would agree (good thing he didn't see me doing 90 in the fog). but I made it alive, whatever that's worth.

which has led me to realize that I really shouldn't go to my parents' house for a week after graduation. it's time to just let it go. whomever said that you can never go home again was right. you can, however, go and be just another guest in your 'rents guest bedroom (formerly known as yours). I just don't want to deal with that.

now it's off to bed back here in nc.

by the way. in case y'all haven't figured it out, please choose your words to me carefully for the next day or so. I don't know how much more negativity I can take.