my evening has, naturally, been consumed by listening to the B&S show. fantastic. they did 4 of the old ones: "jonathan david," "photo jenny," "the boy with the arab strap," and "get me away from here, I'm dying." of course I got all teary when they did those. lots of Christmas songs, including the best version of "o little town of Bethlehem" ever. it could only be described as swingin'. they did some with a choir, which was cool. they also did two new songs. one was called "step into my office, baby." I didn't catch the name of the other one. both were GREAT, and I hope that they announce an upcoming EP soon.

it's official; music is becoming way too crucial for me. last month I had that dream involving All Girl Summer Fun Band and Steve Albini, and last night Les Savy Fav made an appearance in a dream. the rest of the dream was sort of a movie involving Susan Sarandon moving herself and her children to D.C. for some reason it wasn't safe for them there. it all took place in the mid 70s (except for the LSF bit). strange.

I also had a dream about Gothfield (that's my dream version of Bluefield; it's very shady and there are lots of nefarious characters about. I'm always uptown and there are lots more businesses than there really are. it's much more interesting than the real thing.). I went into the library and told the desk worker that I'd checked out a book but left it there. they tried to find it and couldn't. I left and went walking up Commerce Street to my car, but it was much steeper than it should've been. I finally had to climb up a pine tree to reach the top. when I got there some scary guys were hanging around the car. then I woke up. I dunno.

last dream was about Hunky Santa. right before I went to bed I watched this news segment about a mall in L.A. where, instead of a regular Santa Claus, they have this really hot guy in a red spandex tank top and traditional Santa hat/pants let whomever come and sit on his lap. they showed all these middle-aged housewives asking him to come down their chimneys, then one cute but flaming guy who, when asked, thought for a second and said, "um...heh...world peace?" yeah. I dreamed about Hunky Santa.

I've got various and sundry things to do this eve, and should get movin.

oh, AND. in case anyone reads this in the meantime and cares. tomorrow night...I mean, tonight...anyway, Wednesday night. at 5:00 p.m. Eastern time. paste this into your browser and go (sorry but hyperlink insertion isn't working):

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/radio1.shtml

my beloved Belle and Sebastian are doing a John Peel session for BBC and will be webcasting. doin some Xmas carols, too. I'm so excited I plan on changing pants several times tomorrow. if you miss it and want to hear, they keep the shows archived at the site. God bless em.

and I love it when pals phone me, but if you value your life do NOT call until at least a couple hours after five. mommy dearest will be fielding calls as I will be making love to my computer speakers.

well, I'm at home. that pretty much sums it up. ain't doin nuthin but eating, watching reruns, and contributing to the stellar long distance bill that the 'rents will get this month. and it's only been a few days. seriously, I'm glad to have the time off. once I got my final paper turned in for K-Tins, I was able to relax and intend to do so for quite some time. my only stressor is being away from a particular gentleman who has the unmitigated gall to spend his break six hours away from me. I'll be quietly enjoying a beer and chortling at Designing Women, not a care in the world, then I'll realize that something crucial is missing. ya hear that, hoebag? it's fuckin irritating! that's it; I'm going to Wal-Mart and buying a body pillow.

getting my final grades was such a relief. skated by in Godard's with a C-, currently have a B in Tinsley (could be raised once she grades my final), an A- in COWing and a big fat A for my internship. yee haw! still pulled my GPA down to a 3.42 overall. nothing to whine about, but it'd be nice to graduate with honors (need a 3.5 for that). we'll see what I can do in the spring.

so Cassie might be moving back to the Boro. that'd be totally sweet. only she wants to share a place with me, and I'm already sharing one with J. I swear, my life is totally going to become Reality Bites. as long as I'm not Ethan Hawke's character. he was such a dick.

Xmas tree got put up tonight. very purty. parents giving two dinner parties this weekend, one for 6 and one for like 14. yeesh. why do we cram all our entertaining into the holiday season when so much other crap is going on? I...I...I...

random observation: you know, J also noticed that jock guys have a greater incidence of oral fixation than most people. five minutes into a class, pens always in mouths. I was thinking about how they often guzzle beer and how phallic beer bottles are. I've heard of many an athletic closet case. is it any wonder?

note to self: don't forget the Hey Remember the 90s you thought of tonite. hint: the program on tugboats you watched. and yes, it IS the band it sounds like.

over the past few days, some big changes have taken place in my life as a whole. first off, I've decided not to go to grad school right away. after going to school two summers out of three plus all the regular semesters, the 'rents and I agree that I need a little break. the plan for now is to stick around GSO and split a place with J, working whatever job I can find that's semi-decent. or not so decent, depending on what I luck into. it's a scary thought, I know, but it's something I feel I need to do. next year I can apply to the schools I'm interested in; I think that a year or so of living in the real world will be enough to convince me that I need to do some more time in the educational system...we shall see.

second, my "situation" has developed into a full blown...drum roll please..."boyfriend." he's wonderful. he's witty/cute/smart/devoted, everything I could want (within reason; I didn't really expect a Scottish accent). but I still haven't let my walls down, and don't know when I will. it's like I said...too many funky Big Macs...you know. I already care for him so much it's scary, and I really think he feels the same. and if I somehow get dicked over this time, I think it'll be the worst fall ever. I know I should relax and enjoy our relationship for the fabulous, amazing thing that it is, but it's not easy. God willing, the wonder of these past few days will last for a long time to come.

tomorrow...well, today...I leave for home, finally. paper's not quite done, so I'll have to e-mail it from home. I'm so irresponsible. I've just been so distracted, as everyone pretty much has. I'll be glad to get home, but sad to be away from my crew and the individual discussed in the preceding paragraph. at least T will be in town; bout damn time!

random thought: John Waters is the most lovable sicko in the whole world. we were totally diggin on Pink Flamingos last night, heh.

time to hit the hay. alone tonight and for the next month. sigh.

what a monday it's been. GREs actually went purty good: 630 verbal, 660 math. more than good enough to get me into the programs I'm shooting for. the writing section went quite well. I got to mention Yoko in an essay, and that's enough to get me full credit I'm sure.

but not until this evening did things really start spinning, albeit in a good way. without divulging too many personal details, suffice it to say that I've found myself in "a situation." you know, it's so hard to stay realistic sometimes. sometimes you just don't want to.

this analogy will serve quite well to illustrate my overall freakishness and dramatic ways in such "situations," but try this: you eat a Big Mac and get violently ill. eat another one later, get sick again. eat another one later (granted this individual is very stupid, but his behavior parallels that of people in PLENTY of other situations)...and so on.

why? because Big Macs taste so damn good that you can't help yourself. and someday, you honestly believe, you'll be able to eat one without yarking.

at the moment, my stomach's fine. but I'm not losing sight of the Pepto-Bismol.

updating my blog, what a novel idea! actually I tried not to do it not too long ago, but the wackta thing didn't post. I dunno.

GREs tomorrow morning. I'm going to be in either the best or worst mood tomorrow that I've been in for a very long time. I've studied pretty diligently, at least, so I shouldn't royally bomb. we'll see.

so how bout that grand GSO power outage? still can't believe that the apartments were without juice for over 50 hours. it was so like purgatory at night, everyone skulking around in shadow and huddled around candles inside. not talking very much, just looking. silence everywhere. I'm glad it's over, but also glad it happened. it was an experience. the question: now that we're out of purgatory, is Heaven the next stop? wow...we can only hope.

gonna sign off for now...luck be a lady tomorrow.

heh...last time I wrote I sounded pretty close to a nervous breakdown. oddly enough, later that morning I had one. totally flipped, went home, and spent three days sleeping 15 hours a night and moving very little. I actually contemplated taking the rest of the semester off. it was mostly the thought of not graduating on time that made me come back, but I'm happy to report that the minor setback is past and I'm back in the swing of things. the graduation/registration thing got straightened out, and I talked out my classes with three understanding professors. looks like all systems are go!

although I'm grateful that winter break is coming up. I need some time to shut my brain down. well...actually it stays shut down pretty often anyway, but I'd like some time not to feel guilty about it.

fabulous party last night, I must say. although I doubt whether anyone affiliated with WQFS reads this stuff--much less anyone in apartment 731--congrats on a smashing success. I only exhibited a little bit of socially unacceptable behavior. nothing unusual.

not that I couldn't run my fingers all night, but Sealab beckons.

uggh...too much pressure up in this piece. I had a five-alarm panic attack last night and couldn't take any meds for it (on top of two beers, seemed like a bad idea). not that I'm surprised or anything. and today I get another helping of insanity. there are some graduation forms that have to get in by noon tomorrow. I did not receive said forms from the registrar, although everyone else did. solution: stay up all night getting caught up on work, then scrambling for the necessary signatures tomorrow morn. after yelling at the registrar's office. I'd hate my life if it wasn't such a damn good one--most of the time.

however, I DO hate: people who get huffy when they think they're not getting the attention they deserve. not like your best friend across the hall or anything, but people who A) you were never close with to begin with and B) who demand long distance communication on a regular basis. that probably sounds insensitive (especially the latter), but it's the way I feel.

I dislike: smelling cigarettes on my fingers after smoking one (although I keep doing it anyway).

I like: mutually enjoyable conversations with vague acquaintances that I secretly lust after.

I LOVE: the BBQ chicken sandwich at Denny's.

just a few random observations:

I wonder why some people just aren't sexy. sometimes there's no rational explanation. a guy/girl can be drop dead gorgeous, funny, nice, even discuss sex with knowledge and fervor. but something's just not there. lack of pheromones, perhaps? I'm not saying that I have no chemical attraction, but I wonder if mine aren't watered down. then again, I'm also not saying I'm drop dead gorgeous.

the weather forecast lately has always called for sunny skies 3-4 days down the road from the present. they never seem to materialize. I think it's a conspiracy by the NWS to keep people optimistic. how kind of them.

in closing, I've determined that I prefer Madness as a band over madness as a state of being. it's easier to revel in bouncy old ska beats than to feel like you're going to start gnawing on trees.

bark, by the way, tastes just like chicken.

it's a rare and beautiful thing when you can have what you want most in the world. tonight all I wanted was a piece of coconut cream pie and a cup of coffee, and damn if I didn't go to Jan's and get one. now if only that could happen with anything at my command. naw, I'd make too many rash decisions. people would be dropping down dead, surreal things like crows with the heads of dolphins would fly around just for my amusement. the world would only be safe if all I ever wanted was pie and coffee.

so I've decided against taking the psych GRE this Sat. not ready for it, don't need it, don't need to stress over it. the BIG one, however. that's a concern and a half. time to cram.

so N got into Lewisburg for med school. as if I needed more evidence that she rules! also a reminder to wipe the drool off my chin and get down to brass tacks. the proverbial deadlines approach. these grad school applications feel like the horsemen of the apocalypse bearing down, only I get 6 instead of 4. lucky me.

the question is WWABD? (what would Adrienne Barbeau do?)

on a darker note, I broke down a bit today on the phone with mom. I do a good job of keeping it hidden, but the pressures are really building. as a psych major, though, I realize that it's not the amount of stuff that needs to get done. it's my lack of faith in my ability to do it. that and the fact that making decisions anymore is like playing russian roulette with my entire future.

soundtrack for today: Denison Witmer's Philadelphia Songs. a new purchase, it sweeps me off my musical feet. very choice.

last post was a ridiculously bad poem written under the influence of astonishingly bad whiskey...lest anyone stumbling onto this site read it and think it representative of my creative genius, I saw fit to dispose of it :)

so call this my first post, then. A has returned from Orlando with the rest of the journalistic crew. J will wing his way back from Chicago tomorrow afternoon, much to everyone's delight. B had a fab time at Tool. me, well...I'm still here.

although the weekend was an interesting one, what with riding in strange cars to strangers' parties and hauling people back here to sit til 5 in the a.m. smoking strawberry tobacco from a very ornate hookah. and all that squareball jazz. good times, indeed!

I'm beginning to realize why I sit up until all hours rather than going to bed like a normal human being. for a little while there, I got used to going to bed as half of a duo rather than solo. now I'm thinking too much again about sleeping alone. call it Sealy stagefright, heh. so instead I wait until I'm falling down exhausted to face the reality of hugging pillows. sure it's pathetic, but at least I can chuckle about it. and get used to it again, in time.

although I'm managing to keep a relatively positive frame of mind overall, things keep threatening to spin out of control. with GREs coming up, projects to work on, relationships to manage and EVERYONE'S life in constant flux, I'm starting to get a little crazed. it all boils down to having the rest of my life to worry about. that ain't cool. psych or journalism? what school? what city to build an entirely new life in? and what about everything in the meantime? the questions are starting to pile up faster than I can bullshit the answers. well, it all has to get done. otherwise I'm stuck in G'boro working retail and bemoaning the slackerdom that got me there. that's not what I've been working all this time for. I keep jokingly telling people that I "used to have such promise." I'm only half joking. I think the potential for greatness (or at least goodness) is still in there somewhere. just gotta dig for it.

an artistic observation: there is a cartoonish horn on a bike in front of my apartment. it's a pig. when it rains, it makes it look as though the pig is crying. poor pig. everyone covers up their bike seats to safeguard the old tookus, and it makes me wish the pig had a wee rain bonnet or something like that. alas.

enough kvetching. time to get to sleep before dawn hits the blinds.