in light of the "inferno test," here are my thoughts on Heaven and Hell:

as a Christian, I firmly believe in both. I do not, however, see Heaven as a place where harp-wielding cherubs circulate or Hell as a place where fiery tongues snap at the flesh of transgressors. I think that both are relative; otherwise, our souls would give up their individuality upon death, which I don't think happens. whatever your personal Heaven or Hell is, that's what you get.

I don't know exactly what my personal Heaven would be, but I think I know what Hell would entail. it would be remarkably like my Heaven: a beautiful place with unlimited resources and potential. the difference? I wouldn't be able to enjoy it, and somehow it would be my fault. I would be surrounded by happy, sensible people in full control of their lives. I would be given great opportunities for money, relationships, all that, only to squander them unwisely every time. I'd be forced to wallow in the misery of my character faults and innate stupidity. sort of like my life of late, haw haw.

anyway, it's all about the psychological torture, knowing that I'm more senseless and foolhardy than anyone else. because I think that's the most important aspect of Heaven and Hell--always being reminded that your afterlife is your own life's creation. that can be either the ultimate punishment or reward.

"and after setting all that to paper," quoth the boozy pseudo-philosopher, "I decided to go to bed."

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

I'm dead on my feet, but can NOT go to sleep without blabbing about wilco first. the show was phenomenal, one of the best I've ever been to, and I'm not alone in thinking so. sarah stringfield bought ali's ticket (she was sick) and went with us. off we went to asheville.

had a great dinner at a downtown noodle shop, then over to the orange peel--a great venue, pretty big but insanely nice and without a bad place to stand. joseph arthur opened, and he was very impressive--a kind of one man folksy radiohead. the crowd was pretty responsive to him as well.

then wilco. I had hoped for either "monday" or "heavy metal drummer;" that's all I asked of the entire show. they played both. "red eyed and blue," "sunken treasure," "misunderstood." many that I didn't know very well, which I liked--gives me incentive to listen to them more. all were amazing. and the crowd was a great one, very welcoming and appreciative. they knew they were loved. only down side: most obnoxious drunk guys ever in front of us. but nothing short of a random sars outbreak could have spoiled that show. to quote shelley duvall in "annie hall:" "transplendent. that's the only word for this, transplendent." mayhap.

so now it's off to sweet, sweet musical dreams, courtesy of jeff tweedy and his fellow "queens of electrocana."

I'm leaving for asheville to see wilco in seven hours, and I should try to sleep for at least part of that time. but my sleeping patterns have become wonky again, so we'll see.

tonight I went to the gay/lesbian cinema students' presentations on drag. the first was a performance by this awesome drag queen who dressed up as tinky winky and lip synched to "I'm coming out." the second was a documentary on guilford students' views on drag and transvestitism (mostly positive, naturally). both were interesting and informative, not to mention thought provoking.

see, for some reason I've always found drag queens intimidating. it's funny to say, but the idea of going to a full-on drag show has always made me uncomfortable. I think it's because female impersonators are comfortable with their sexuality in a way that I've never been, fully willing to acknowledge their effeminacy. I spend too much time worrying about not seeming masculine enough while these fabulous gals embrace their inner queens. it still makes me feel threatened, but after enjoying tonight I could see myself learning to appreciate it.

in addition to frisco and nyc, I've been trying to come up with another area to consider for post-guilford schooling. I'm gravitating back toward boston, specifically because of emerson college. the school focuses entirely on communications. they offer both b.a. and b.f.a. in general film studies and graduate programs focusing on different aspects of filmmaking. students get access to all kinds of great technology, it's absolutely filled with pierced blue-haired freaks, and has the #1 college radio station to boot. I think I'd like it.

it is so hot in this apartment that I think I'm going to croak. can't open my window--no screen, and I hate mosquitos so much. the a/c is on, blowing lukewarm air. it'll be fun trying to sleep in this. but in case anyone wants to know, due to the heat I'll be doing so in the buff. bring your sketchpads, tap on the window, and prepare to be blinded.

I'm feeling self-absorbed at the moment...

Trivia About Me That People Will Eat Up If I'm Ever Rich and/or Famous:
I always eat jelly beans two at a time. the pair must be of the same flavor. when I chew them, I alternate sides of my mouth.
all my fingernails are permanently ridged from a high fever I had as a baby.
first cd I ever owned: the b-52's, cosmic thing.
strangest physical "talent:" clapping one hand.
I'm descended from scottish royalty (word to my homies in edinburgh--Deus juvat, baby!).
my career goal was once to be a Presbyterian minister.
I'm terrified of helicopters.
I'm fascinated by building demolition.
and finally, there are few things in the world that make me happier than lemon sorbet. very few.

my escapades are sometimes so absurdly useless. today was charles' b-day, and I thought it might be nice to get him something dinosaur related from the discovery channel store. so off ali and I went to w-s, where we ended up buying him a book at borders. we also drove for almost 30 minutes looking for the four star cafe, where I love to eat, only to discover that they were closed on sundays. but I sure as hell got some dippin dots at hanes mall, and that made it worth the trip.

ali and I also watched "she-devil" on amc today. twice. it's so great to know that there's someone else as strange as me in the world. or is it?

my car has to go in the shop now, as the "engine may soon explode" light has come on. I abuse my car almost as much as my body. which brings me to what I was thinking about tonight. think about your body as a separate entity from your actual being. then think of all the shit we put our physical selves through. it actually makes me sad. if the amount of respect I give to the people in my life was only equal to that which I give my body, I'd have no friends. I need to stop smoking, eat more sensibly...and at least scale back my drinking. here's hoping that this summer can be a time of reinventing myself.

which leads nicely into my new series of goals:
1) get buff enough to feel comfortable being nude on camera
2) get a part in a bruce labruce film
3) become the next bruce labruce
this guy is my new idol--he's managing to achieve cult status really quickly; gotta love exploitative gay post-punk art films! click here to check his stuff out, but not if you're a prude. actually, go ahead if you're a prude. do yourself some good.

the bulk of today will be spent recovering from last evening's adventures. I am referring of course to the much touted wqfs party. was it a success? yes and no. in the grand scheme of things, absolutely. our place was absolutely packed, as much as I've ever seen a guilford apartment. it was impossible to move in the living room, and the ramones tribute band went over really well.

but I should have been a little more responsible. I didn't feel like I was drinking too much, but I'm not used to beer and it hit me incredibly hard. as a result, I behaved like a complete idiot for a couple hours before retiring early to my room and being most violently and putridly ill. also, the plan for last night was to fess up to that long-term crush of mine, whom I never saw. all in all, I did have a lot of fun, it just wasn't the night of my dreams.

I'm wide awake now but still feeling nasty, so I think I'll lie down and sip coke.

well, back to normal. or some semblance thereof. lots of sleep today; also, began the clean-up for tomorrow night. course we'll just have to it again, but oh well.

james lunderville is in town visiting, the sweetheart. he stopped by for a chat, and will be in attendance at the qfs party. talking to him always leaves me with a strange sense of self-satisfaction. I guess it's because I asked him out and he turned me down, yet it's never stopped us from interacting on a completely normal, friendly level. that's unusual, in a very good way...shit. I just realized I asked him out over two years ago. time does fly.

oh, the festival went well. after the first film all but two people left. but they were a great two. and now, except for taking a little final and writing one solitary play scene, MY SEMESTER IS OVER!!! which means that...college is over. that's so weird.

before I lapse into complete sentimental goop, I'm goin in for some shuteye.

I opted to skip out on sleep in favor of finishing all my scholastic shit. probably not the best course of action when recovering from an illness, but at least I'm out from under my work. and I got some yummy stuffed french toast at ihop this morning.

I'm about to wrap up my one-act play. it's called "see the bunny." it is an utter piece of crap. but huey really liked where it was going, so I've kept on with it. but reading it makes me want to barf. such melodramatic middle school claptrap. that's what I get for writing from experience, heh.

the film "festival" is being held tonight. I'm also anxious for that to draw to a close. I hope I don't fall asleep during one of the films I'm showing. well, if I gotta sleep all day tomorrow, that's fine.

now that I'm no longer sidetracked by sickness or schoolwork, my worries are now completely focused on my lack of employment. I feel sure that the n&r position has been filled by now; have to get on the horn with my contact there and try to dredge up something, anything. I really hope I don't have to deliver pizza or something to pay the bills. you know, its a real shame how many people I know who are in my position: $100k educations and working in retail, if not worse. it's funny how long it takes to find out that bachelor's degrees--with the possible exceptions of business and education--aren't worth the paper they're printed on. so disheartening. "reality bites" should be shown to every incoming first-year. stupid of me not to see it until fairly recently.

last week I mentioned my mission to come clean to a long-term crush. said mission still exists, so here's hoping he shows up at the qfs party this weekend!

anyway, time to play nintendo or something for two hours until class. too bad naps don't agree with me.

illness-addled brain blurbs:

the standard of coolness by which everyone should be measured: the two old heckling guys on "the muppet show." if you can even come close to being that badass, you're doing just fine.

the only true idealists are virgins.

the 1977 tv movie "night terror," with valerie harper, is in fact the greatest film ever made.

in regard to gregory peck's behavior in "the omen:" if I'd been in his position, I'd have been more than willing to listen to alleged murder plots against my wife. even accusations of my son's birth mother being a jackal wouldn't have seemed too strange. but once someone tells me to go to jezreel and see the old man bukenhagen, I'm outta there. that's just too weird.

favorite classic crayola color: cadet blue. it's taken me 22 years to realize that.

things I classify as "genius" (that is, cleverness tempered by dementia):
1) orbitz (the beverage)
2) writing "linda" on everything in the bathroom
3) the international ramp festival (in wv, of course)
4) "sanford and son"
5) the dullest blog in the world

so it has come to my attention that I have every symptom of SARS. that's comforting. apparently it's starting to run crazy on college campuses--nicole's got it. given the 4 in 100 fatality rate, I should probably see a real doctor soon. if no improvement by thursday, I will. I did miss classes today, but there's too much to do to lie around being sick. film festival to organize, research paper to finish, etcetera. what an inconvenient time to fall ill.

time for something cheerful...let's see...nope, nuthin. my isolation from the outside world has left me bereft of any amusing anecdotes. once my brain and my voice start functioning again, we'll see.

blecch. last night at wal-mart I started feeling sort of woozy, so I went to bed pretty early. woke up with a swollen throat, nonexistent voice, fever, chills, aches, and lots and lots of sweat. lucy at student health thinks it's just a viral thing that I'll have to wait out, so we'll see. my temp was 100.2 at last check, whee! I don't think I'll be able to do class tomorrow, though, and have e-mailed profs to that effect.

more evidence that I'm held together with spit and baling wire: I was in the underground on saturday listening to josh play when a big chunk of one of my teeth just breaks right off. I wasn't even biting on anything. guess I'll have to get it capped.

I've basically just been sitting up long enough to let my bed dry out a bit--everything I've touched in the past day is damp--so I think I'll return to ye olde sickbed and maybe pick out some awful movie to watch.

a quick update--as it's been such a marvelous day. ali and I took carra up to hollins today so she could meet up with tracy (her sister) and ride back home. then back to roanoke for a drive up to the star, dinner at saltori's, and coffee at mill mountain. it was a delightful way to kill a day; would have been better if the weather had been nicer.

the plan for tonight was to chill out with a cheesy flick, but ali, josh and I ended up bullshitting for five solid hours about everything under the sun. I do love my friends. we've finally consigned ourselves to bed; good thing, as our radio show is in less than nine hours!

so one of our big discussion topics tonight was sex (what a shocker). my sexual theory: the bottom line is that sex is physical contact. period. sex can be an extension of other emotions (love, etc), but doesn't have to be. nor should sex be construed as evidence of emotional attachment. and most important--in any sexual encounter, the parties involved should all be aware of and comfortable with what they expect and what is expected of them. if everyone lays their cards on the table and is cool with whatever is going on, great.

in general, I just think that people read way too much into sex. it's societally constructed. there's no innate mechanism in the human brain that connects intercourse with interpersonal emotion. but over hundreds of years--thousands, I suppose--we've come to intertwine the two. that's why people are so prudish and guarded. at least, that's what I think. I guess that my views on sex are a little cheap, but I've become awfully jaded over the past few years. and after all I've been through with various and sundry people, I guess I just can't help feeling sorry for people who make sex into a big deal. it's just not realistic.

I'll tell you what else isn't realistic about sex. the prospect of my having any in the near future. I guess I'll just have to pour myself into my research paper...which I still have to do...

presentation and paper complete, huzzah! celebrated by finishing off the southern comfort I had left over. went to the suite tonight where I hung out with the customary beautiful people plus a couple of delicious men that I had not hitherto encountered. it was a fabulous night, although it's left me feeling hideously oversexed. well.

speaking of oversexed, decision: a certain guy that I've had an on/off crush on for over two years is going to hear about it very, very soon. I just need to catch him around and partying this weekend or, at the very latest, next. not that I expect anything to come of it...but I'll keep everyone posted.

I think ali and I are going to truck it up to roanoke tomorrow, for the simple reason that we have nothing better to do. hooray for fridays!

anyway, time to crawl into bed. alone. alone in bed. well, fuck. I need to get a hobby or something.

well, I'm sitting in bauman with half an hour til class, so I might as well post. I had planned an all-nighter, but ended up eating massive amounts of sorbet, watching a few minutes of "rushmore" (which I usually do), and falling asleep. so now I've got to finish my paper for jack this afternoon. whee. but other than organizing the film festival (which is next thursday), I'm pretty much home free after tonight. so if anyone needs a party pal, I'm your guy.

okay, there. I've posted. I have nothing more to say. perhaps I'll just play texttwist until my mind explodes. nah, not after all the work I've done for my 12:45 presentation. toodles.

but first...


You are Nino!


Which Amelie character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

you know, I realized today that it's been at least a week since I've genuinely given any thought to anything. I just haven't had any interest in getting work done, rounding up a job, or cleaning my disgusting room. the days pass by so quickly and never seem to amount to much. that's why I have my work cut out for me tonight--I have to start thinking so I can knock out a presentation and a paper for tomorrow. after tomorrow night I'll actually be able to get back on track, I hope.

speaking of my nasty room, it's amusing to me that I have three cups of iced coffee of varying age sitting fairly close together. it's like playing russian roulette. one will taste good, one will taste terrible, and one may bring about instant death. decisions, decisions...

my computer, fabulous though it is, lacks powerpoint. so I'm off to bauman. woo hoo.

I am completely wackta for not being asleep right now, but I've just been so keyed up from tonight. got everything ready to go to the postal service show just in time to leave. called ben gibbard on his cell phone (yes kids, I have his number, bloo ha ha!) to arrange everything but got no answer. hmm. waited around, talked to jenny lewis for a sec; she was a sweetheart as usual. but it was all good; the band showed up and let us in, even sans tickets--and the show was sold out.

so ben was a helluva nice guy. I was a little nervous and bumbling, but the interview went swimmingly. especially our conversation about putting slayer tapes in teddy ruxpin. got great pix of me with him, me with CEX (in which I'm poised to lick his deliciously sexy--well, CEXy--face), and of the show in general, which was GREAT. the openers, shallow be thy name, weren't actually as bad as their name suggests. CEX's set was hilarious as always, although he didn't do "the beehive song," which we really looked forward to. and the postal service was phenomenal. no stage lights, just projected video behind. and they finished by covering--get this--phil collins' "take a look at me now." I'm still floating from the experience.

although with two papers and a presentation due on thursday I'd better get my fucking feet on the ground. and my head on the pillow. God bless huey for not having class this week; I can sleep a wee bit later.

it's been a crazy couple of days indeed. backing up to friday: went to see the drive-by truckers in carrboro w/josh. opening band, leadfoot, was a brand of awful not to be believed. truckers rocked out hardcore, and played for almost three hours. we were exhausted but pleased.

yesterday: back to carrboro w/josh to see crooked fingers and spoon. debacle: I left my ticket at home, so josh and I were both going to buy at the door. sold out. after much dejectedness...well, let's just say it pays to know the right people to weasel you in. for free, no less.

the opening act for that show, fiery furnaces, was hilariously funny. crooked fingers did great stuff as always, although their guitarist really needs to take his ritalin--slow songs, fast songs, he ran around like a maniac regardless. spoon ROCKED, although the house (while jam packed) seemed sort of lackadasical. the lead singer is absolutely delicious. I then came back and hung out with my bryan hall peeps.

today: the 'rents came. co-signed for the apartment and took the crew out to dinner at liberty. had a very nice visit.

despite all this marked goodness, I'm in a really down mood. talking with my parents about graduation, the lease, and the job prospects reiterated that I'm not a kid anymore. maturity be damned, all I want is to be taken care of for a little while longer. it's not about money, or work ethics, or any of that. it's about not feeling ready to completely cut loose. if I had ever been a thumb sucker, it'd definitely be in my mouth right now.

also...and this story will sound convoluted, but I have to be vague...I was having a little online dialogue about life in general with some folks that I trust. I told them about something that had happened to me, what I thought was a goofy little anecdote that they'd find amusing. not a big deal. well, I came under complete personal attack. I was called "sick" and "juvenile," accused of having no morals. I was called every name in the book short of "republican." could it be that I'm not as intrinsically good as I've always thought? the whole exchange made me feel like a terrible person. I'd canvas the area for hugs, but it'd just raise too many questions. wow, that sounds funny. but it's true.

so the overall sentiment right now is one of extreme distress. I need to work--and come up with questions for tomorrow's postal service interview--but first I think I might need to take a drive or something. sigh.

it has now been approximately 37 hours, 24 minutes since I last woke from sleep on wednesday. I'm impressed with the success of this all-nighter; I haven't been exceptionally tired, although I've got a bastard of a headache. I'll probably pack in twelve hours tonight.

irene harrington at career development actually offered me some hope, woo hoo! she gave me some suggestions on cleaning up my resume as well as lots of local contact numbers for TV stations, radio, and publications--not that any of them will necessarily be hiring, but you never know. I did get a lead on one job that is absolutely perfect. the news and record wants a reporter to write for the paper's life section. the job description is exactly what I'm doing now on the guilfordian. I'm not holding my breath for it, but I'll push as hard as I can.

and on that note, I shall finally shut down for a while.