finally I'm pretty much shut of campus. lots more moving today, more than I'd thought. the car's still full, but I'll have a lot more energy to empty it tomorrow.

the drive to raleigh with beth was great, though. her visit was so much fun, like nothing had changed since she left two years ago. and dammit, she'd better come back for some more chillin ASAP!

speaking of driving...I put one big motherfucking dent in the car today. driving around to the front of the campus apartment I absentmindedly sideswiped the light pole. the entire passenger side door is dented in and scraped. I'm going to ask mom if I could trade her the passat for the 4runner for a while and she and dad could take care of the car's cosmetic and mechanical needs in the meantime. otherwise I'll just put it off. veronica, I'm so sorry. you deserve better than me.

I hear tell that there are full time positions open at both the rhino times and the jamestown news. but I heard that rhino has strong republican affiliations, which I wasn't aware of. can anyone confirm or disconfirm that? because honestly, I'd rather work at mickey d's than for republicans.

carra and I had a superb dinner tonight at sushi rock. best raw fish I've ever eaten. a little on the expensive side, but I will absolutely go there again.

started reading a confederacy of dunces today. totally hilarious. all the characters are chronically irritable and complaining, kind of like myself and my pals. and someone's accused of being a communist on almost every page.

also stopped at cd alley today for a quick browse; on impulse bought a used copy of the starlight mints' dream that stuff was made of. my indie snob review: what pavement would sound like if they were an elephant 6 band. my non-snob review: the best album I've bought in a very long time. go get it.

I'm actually getting around to driving back to wv tomorrow, so I'm gonna head home for some sleepage. the earlier start I get, the quicker I can get to the dq for a chili dog.

well, that's it. I'm an alum (and I don't mean the funky powdered stuff that makes your mouth pucker up). graduation was bearable enough; hot as hell, but tolerable. many nice checks/cash sums from relatives, and lots of good visiting time. I guess it was because I was just so tired, but it was rather anticlimactic. tomorrow, after a "good" night's rest, we'll see how I feel.

for now, I've just come back from a decent hildebrandt party. I was in a bizarre mood, all tipsy and yelling funny things. I enjoyed it; for my last real guilford party, not bad. I did see the everlasting aforementioned crush though--the one I discussed my feelings with--hanging onto the titsy chick again. how do I feel about him? I certainly like him. a lot. I certainly find him attractive. scintillatingly so. but...love? it's fair, I think, to claim love when you've known someone for four years. but in my experience, I'm not sure that I can pin down just what love is. at any rate, I'm glad to have a week at home. I need to put it behind me. out of sight, out of mind. we can only hope.

beth, ali and I left the hildy party and chilled out by the lake. I drifted in and out of consciousness, watching the stars and the light on the water. it was beautifully quiet and introspective, just what I needed tonight. and you know what? this is a difficult thing to express in words...but I feel ready for whatever happens next. just like that. watching the sky I started to feel stronger, to feel less afraid of the future. I know it's cheesy, but I feel ready to give a new life the old college try...well, the old post-graduate try. wish me luck; hope it's not just the sloe gin talking.

gotta get up at 10; giving beautiful beth a ride to the raleigh airport. time for some schluffy.

God, let me stay positive.

as I need to be at jake's diner for breakfast in about four hours anyway, I have given up on bed. so much the better for a pre-graduation, sappy, introspective blog entry.

I know a lot of fancy words. I can even spell some of them (otolaryngologist--eat it, baby). but nothing in my vocabulary can express the glut of emotion I feel upon spending my last night at guilford college. as often as I find fault with my school...only to be mine for a precious few more hours...it's not half as often as I'm willing to kiss the long brick path leading up to founders hall in sheer, utmost gratitude. I owe my parents a lot. I owe my friends a lot. but nothing touches the debt that I am in to guilford, and we're not talking about student loans here. if not for this sometime-hellhole of higher education, I don't know who I'd be. and, believe it or not, I like who I am. for the most part, anyway.

from first-year laundry sack races through second floor binford to the drunken staggerings of senior year, it's all been worth every fucking minute. I've gone from being a tommy hilfiger obsessed skaterprep (bleached blonde and all) to...well...to someone very different. more grounded, yet somehow more focused on fun. more idealistic, yet more cynical. comparing 1999 jeremy to 2003 jeremy is so absurd that it's almost pointless to try.

so much water under these bridges. I've loved and been loved, loved and lost, loved and never had. I've tried things that I never would have considered in high school. I've developed the sense not to try things that I once considered. and most of all--God yes, most of all--made the best friends that anyone could ever wish for. some of them are true veterans, there from day one. some are recent acquisitions, and some have faded into sepia tones. and I wouldn't trade any of them for all the sushi in l.a.

I know what a paradigm is now. I know what peppermint schnapps tastes like. I recognize the glory that is cook out at 2 a.m.

and that leads up to the worst part. it's 3:52 a.m. at the moment. in roughly eight hours I will no longer be "jeremy the guilford college student." that's something that I take great pride in being, something that defines me. and I have absolutely no idea what my next identity will be. but whatever it is--for the rest of my life--it wouldn't be possible without these fabulous four years.

I thank the greatest family anyone's ever had. I thank my friends (see preceding description). I thank God.

and I thank Guilford.

next entry: "real world jeremy."

good night.

one more thing. looking back in my archives I realize that I first started talking about slipcovers almost two months ago. I finally got some. so I'll never mention them in this journal again.

for the past 24-odd hours, I have been possessed. I have become completely overtaken by my desire to get the apartment completely and perfectly squared away. after superhuman efforts, however, it's pretty much done. but here's everywhere I've been during this past day (parentheses are for times visited):

Target (5)
Wal-Mart (3)
Garden Ridge (2)
Linens n' Things (2)
Dollar Tree
Ben Franklin Crafts
Lowe's
Home Depot
Herbie's (hey, gotta eat sometime)
BP (hey, gotta smoke sometime)
Pier One
K-Mart
CVS
Walgreen's
Bed Bath and Beyond

all. in. one. day. but it's been worth it.

tonight's the big final senior party. I hope that everyone focuses enough on having a good time that we don't get all mushy.

gotsta run some errands (including a haircut, hopefully) before grabbing some dinner.

great party this eve. 731 had a power hour. I'd certainly call it a successful one from a personal standpoint: drank much, smoked much, kissed two people. OH...and...'fessed up to my crush. told him what I thought of him, for how long, and insinuated that we should see more of each other after graduation.

his response: "aww! thanks!"

not the romantic interlude that I'd dreamed of, but nice. at least if he A) comes to his senses and realizes what he's missing or B) gets desperate, he knows how I feel. and it certainly is a weight off my chest. speaking of chests, I think his attention was taken up by a hot chick with visible nipples anyway. upon noticing this I attempted to make mine more prominent by holding shana's beer against them. this worked, but she must have had something else I didn't. a vagina? well, if that's what he was in the mood for, I guess I'll just have to concede.

went to the apartment tonight to drop some things off and almost had a heart attack when I saw that my light was on. it was carra, sara kate, and catherine all high and into decorating the apartment in the most tacky fashion possible. we're talking plastic buddhas, gummi bear lights, and cheesy picture frames here. all as a joke, mind, and a very funny one at that. I love my friends!

I'm on my second packet of ramen, which means I should probably go to bed. shana and I may go to the beach tomorrow, so I should rise early.

okay, so last night's posts were just a little negative. bad mood--I honestly don't feel like throwing myself off the top of the jefferson pilot building today (although if it meant seeing that uber-riche social club that's up there, it might be worth it). I ended up sleeping until sunset today; all the better for my all-nighter. carra and I are both busy bees this eve; she will be joining me for an IHOP run this morning. then it's off to the mass media final, then to move in to the new apartment!

I was hard on a lot of people last night, too. to all: I apologize.

ali's sister jessie's here, and I'm glad. even in the hour or so I got to spend with her tonight, she's been more fun and talkative than I've seen her yet. even better that she's here for an entire week; it'll be great to get a chance to really get to know her better.

I'm fresh out of adderall, and that ain't good. hope I'll have time to get my prescrip filled at cvs before the exam at noon. whee!

not the greatest night in the world.

having such a nasty evening, I thought it might be nice to have a sleep in my good old bed at home. I drove to my house and found rick upstairs in his room, dad in my parents' bedroom, mom on the couch to escape dad's snoring, and all of laura's things in my room (home for prom). mom woke up long enough to say hi when I came in. and to offer me the other end of the couch.

I promptly drove back here. although I shouldn't have driven in such an emotional state; I'm sure that the cop who ticketed me for doing 79 in a 65 would agree (good thing he didn't see me doing 90 in the fog). but I made it alive, whatever that's worth.

which has led me to realize that I really shouldn't go to my parents' house for a week after graduation. it's time to just let it go. whomever said that you can never go home again was right. you can, however, go and be just another guest in your 'rents guest bedroom (formerly known as yours). I just don't want to deal with that.

now it's off to bed back here in nc.

by the way. in case y'all haven't figured it out, please choose your words to me carefully for the next day or so. I don't know how much more negativity I can take.

in light of the "inferno test," here are my thoughts on Heaven and Hell:

as a Christian, I firmly believe in both. I do not, however, see Heaven as a place where harp-wielding cherubs circulate or Hell as a place where fiery tongues snap at the flesh of transgressors. I think that both are relative; otherwise, our souls would give up their individuality upon death, which I don't think happens. whatever your personal Heaven or Hell is, that's what you get.

I don't know exactly what my personal Heaven would be, but I think I know what Hell would entail. it would be remarkably like my Heaven: a beautiful place with unlimited resources and potential. the difference? I wouldn't be able to enjoy it, and somehow it would be my fault. I would be surrounded by happy, sensible people in full control of their lives. I would be given great opportunities for money, relationships, all that, only to squander them unwisely every time. I'd be forced to wallow in the misery of my character faults and innate stupidity. sort of like my life of late, haw haw.

anyway, it's all about the psychological torture, knowing that I'm more senseless and foolhardy than anyone else. because I think that's the most important aspect of Heaven and Hell--always being reminded that your afterlife is your own life's creation. that can be either the ultimate punishment or reward.

"and after setting all that to paper," quoth the boozy pseudo-philosopher, "I decided to go to bed."

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

I'm dead on my feet, but can NOT go to sleep without blabbing about wilco first. the show was phenomenal, one of the best I've ever been to, and I'm not alone in thinking so. sarah stringfield bought ali's ticket (she was sick) and went with us. off we went to asheville.

had a great dinner at a downtown noodle shop, then over to the orange peel--a great venue, pretty big but insanely nice and without a bad place to stand. joseph arthur opened, and he was very impressive--a kind of one man folksy radiohead. the crowd was pretty responsive to him as well.

then wilco. I had hoped for either "monday" or "heavy metal drummer;" that's all I asked of the entire show. they played both. "red eyed and blue," "sunken treasure," "misunderstood." many that I didn't know very well, which I liked--gives me incentive to listen to them more. all were amazing. and the crowd was a great one, very welcoming and appreciative. they knew they were loved. only down side: most obnoxious drunk guys ever in front of us. but nothing short of a random sars outbreak could have spoiled that show. to quote shelley duvall in "annie hall:" "transplendent. that's the only word for this, transplendent." mayhap.

so now it's off to sweet, sweet musical dreams, courtesy of jeff tweedy and his fellow "queens of electrocana."

I'm leaving for asheville to see wilco in seven hours, and I should try to sleep for at least part of that time. but my sleeping patterns have become wonky again, so we'll see.

tonight I went to the gay/lesbian cinema students' presentations on drag. the first was a performance by this awesome drag queen who dressed up as tinky winky and lip synched to "I'm coming out." the second was a documentary on guilford students' views on drag and transvestitism (mostly positive, naturally). both were interesting and informative, not to mention thought provoking.

see, for some reason I've always found drag queens intimidating. it's funny to say, but the idea of going to a full-on drag show has always made me uncomfortable. I think it's because female impersonators are comfortable with their sexuality in a way that I've never been, fully willing to acknowledge their effeminacy. I spend too much time worrying about not seeming masculine enough while these fabulous gals embrace their inner queens. it still makes me feel threatened, but after enjoying tonight I could see myself learning to appreciate it.

in addition to frisco and nyc, I've been trying to come up with another area to consider for post-guilford schooling. I'm gravitating back toward boston, specifically because of emerson college. the school focuses entirely on communications. they offer both b.a. and b.f.a. in general film studies and graduate programs focusing on different aspects of filmmaking. students get access to all kinds of great technology, it's absolutely filled with pierced blue-haired freaks, and has the #1 college radio station to boot. I think I'd like it.

it is so hot in this apartment that I think I'm going to croak. can't open my window--no screen, and I hate mosquitos so much. the a/c is on, blowing lukewarm air. it'll be fun trying to sleep in this. but in case anyone wants to know, due to the heat I'll be doing so in the buff. bring your sketchpads, tap on the window, and prepare to be blinded.

I'm feeling self-absorbed at the moment...

Trivia About Me That People Will Eat Up If I'm Ever Rich and/or Famous:
I always eat jelly beans two at a time. the pair must be of the same flavor. when I chew them, I alternate sides of my mouth.
all my fingernails are permanently ridged from a high fever I had as a baby.
first cd I ever owned: the b-52's, cosmic thing.
strangest physical "talent:" clapping one hand.
I'm descended from scottish royalty (word to my homies in edinburgh--Deus juvat, baby!).
my career goal was once to be a Presbyterian minister.
I'm terrified of helicopters.
I'm fascinated by building demolition.
and finally, there are few things in the world that make me happier than lemon sorbet. very few.

my escapades are sometimes so absurdly useless. today was charles' b-day, and I thought it might be nice to get him something dinosaur related from the discovery channel store. so off ali and I went to w-s, where we ended up buying him a book at borders. we also drove for almost 30 minutes looking for the four star cafe, where I love to eat, only to discover that they were closed on sundays. but I sure as hell got some dippin dots at hanes mall, and that made it worth the trip.

ali and I also watched "she-devil" on amc today. twice. it's so great to know that there's someone else as strange as me in the world. or is it?

my car has to go in the shop now, as the "engine may soon explode" light has come on. I abuse my car almost as much as my body. which brings me to what I was thinking about tonight. think about your body as a separate entity from your actual being. then think of all the shit we put our physical selves through. it actually makes me sad. if the amount of respect I give to the people in my life was only equal to that which I give my body, I'd have no friends. I need to stop smoking, eat more sensibly...and at least scale back my drinking. here's hoping that this summer can be a time of reinventing myself.

which leads nicely into my new series of goals:
1) get buff enough to feel comfortable being nude on camera
2) get a part in a bruce labruce film
3) become the next bruce labruce
this guy is my new idol--he's managing to achieve cult status really quickly; gotta love exploitative gay post-punk art films! click here to check his stuff out, but not if you're a prude. actually, go ahead if you're a prude. do yourself some good.

the bulk of today will be spent recovering from last evening's adventures. I am referring of course to the much touted wqfs party. was it a success? yes and no. in the grand scheme of things, absolutely. our place was absolutely packed, as much as I've ever seen a guilford apartment. it was impossible to move in the living room, and the ramones tribute band went over really well.

but I should have been a little more responsible. I didn't feel like I was drinking too much, but I'm not used to beer and it hit me incredibly hard. as a result, I behaved like a complete idiot for a couple hours before retiring early to my room and being most violently and putridly ill. also, the plan for last night was to fess up to that long-term crush of mine, whom I never saw. all in all, I did have a lot of fun, it just wasn't the night of my dreams.

I'm wide awake now but still feeling nasty, so I think I'll lie down and sip coke.

well, back to normal. or some semblance thereof. lots of sleep today; also, began the clean-up for tomorrow night. course we'll just have to it again, but oh well.

james lunderville is in town visiting, the sweetheart. he stopped by for a chat, and will be in attendance at the qfs party. talking to him always leaves me with a strange sense of self-satisfaction. I guess it's because I asked him out and he turned me down, yet it's never stopped us from interacting on a completely normal, friendly level. that's unusual, in a very good way...shit. I just realized I asked him out over two years ago. time does fly.

oh, the festival went well. after the first film all but two people left. but they were a great two. and now, except for taking a little final and writing one solitary play scene, MY SEMESTER IS OVER!!! which means that...college is over. that's so weird.

before I lapse into complete sentimental goop, I'm goin in for some shuteye.

I opted to skip out on sleep in favor of finishing all my scholastic shit. probably not the best course of action when recovering from an illness, but at least I'm out from under my work. and I got some yummy stuffed french toast at ihop this morning.

I'm about to wrap up my one-act play. it's called "see the bunny." it is an utter piece of crap. but huey really liked where it was going, so I've kept on with it. but reading it makes me want to barf. such melodramatic middle school claptrap. that's what I get for writing from experience, heh.

the film "festival" is being held tonight. I'm also anxious for that to draw to a close. I hope I don't fall asleep during one of the films I'm showing. well, if I gotta sleep all day tomorrow, that's fine.

now that I'm no longer sidetracked by sickness or schoolwork, my worries are now completely focused on my lack of employment. I feel sure that the n&r position has been filled by now; have to get on the horn with my contact there and try to dredge up something, anything. I really hope I don't have to deliver pizza or something to pay the bills. you know, its a real shame how many people I know who are in my position: $100k educations and working in retail, if not worse. it's funny how long it takes to find out that bachelor's degrees--with the possible exceptions of business and education--aren't worth the paper they're printed on. so disheartening. "reality bites" should be shown to every incoming first-year. stupid of me not to see it until fairly recently.

last week I mentioned my mission to come clean to a long-term crush. said mission still exists, so here's hoping he shows up at the qfs party this weekend!

anyway, time to play nintendo or something for two hours until class. too bad naps don't agree with me.

illness-addled brain blurbs:

the standard of coolness by which everyone should be measured: the two old heckling guys on "the muppet show." if you can even come close to being that badass, you're doing just fine.

the only true idealists are virgins.

the 1977 tv movie "night terror," with valerie harper, is in fact the greatest film ever made.

in regard to gregory peck's behavior in "the omen:" if I'd been in his position, I'd have been more than willing to listen to alleged murder plots against my wife. even accusations of my son's birth mother being a jackal wouldn't have seemed too strange. but once someone tells me to go to jezreel and see the old man bukenhagen, I'm outta there. that's just too weird.

favorite classic crayola color: cadet blue. it's taken me 22 years to realize that.

things I classify as "genius" (that is, cleverness tempered by dementia):
1) orbitz (the beverage)
2) writing "linda" on everything in the bathroom
3) the international ramp festival (in wv, of course)
4) "sanford and son"
5) the dullest blog in the world

so it has come to my attention that I have every symptom of SARS. that's comforting. apparently it's starting to run crazy on college campuses--nicole's got it. given the 4 in 100 fatality rate, I should probably see a real doctor soon. if no improvement by thursday, I will. I did miss classes today, but there's too much to do to lie around being sick. film festival to organize, research paper to finish, etcetera. what an inconvenient time to fall ill.

time for something cheerful...let's see...nope, nuthin. my isolation from the outside world has left me bereft of any amusing anecdotes. once my brain and my voice start functioning again, we'll see.

blecch. last night at wal-mart I started feeling sort of woozy, so I went to bed pretty early. woke up with a swollen throat, nonexistent voice, fever, chills, aches, and lots and lots of sweat. lucy at student health thinks it's just a viral thing that I'll have to wait out, so we'll see. my temp was 100.2 at last check, whee! I don't think I'll be able to do class tomorrow, though, and have e-mailed profs to that effect.

more evidence that I'm held together with spit and baling wire: I was in the underground on saturday listening to josh play when a big chunk of one of my teeth just breaks right off. I wasn't even biting on anything. guess I'll have to get it capped.

I've basically just been sitting up long enough to let my bed dry out a bit--everything I've touched in the past day is damp--so I think I'll return to ye olde sickbed and maybe pick out some awful movie to watch.