yeah, I'm all at home and shit. I'm feeling pretty good. I had a moment earlier, though: mom asked me if I'd picked up my refund check from the business office and I just burst into tears. just because even something as simple and stupid as picking up a check has become too much of a chore for me. I was kind of joking last week when I told james that I was going to start responding to any request with "as if I don't have enough to worry about without..." well, that really is how I feel. all things considered, I don't have that many responsibilities. I just can't seem to deal with them. everything has become too much.

and much to your relief, loyal blog readers, that's why I'm going to start spilling all this to a mental health professional instead of rehashing it here all the damn time.

so on to happier things. I'm getting really stoked about the upcoming trip to nyc. our itinerary: the lion king (meh, not really excited, but it'll be fun), la boheme (am VERY excited), the guggenheim (hope it's not another damn armani exhibit), and a seminar on something-or-other. with only those four activities, I hope we'll have a good bit of free time. I'm looking forward to painting the town red with bryan (although shouldn't the big apple already be red, we ask ourselves?), and seeing the tiffany and the becka. in light of my recent blog discoveries, I might even warn sam of my impending arrival.

I know it's a little early to start looking for an apartment yet, but mom was asking me about places I was considering and I stumbled upon park forest's website. take note, josh: $629 per month would get us a sizable 2 bedroom, 2 bath place with balcony and fireplace AND washer/dryer in the apartment. pool, security, and all that. and it's not too far from GuilCo, right up on brassfield. it's the best deal I've seen. it's silly, but I get all excited just thinking about getting a place, even though it's months off.

I randomly started typing last night, and began something that I think will become at least a short story if not a full fledged book. it's rare that any of my prose is fit for anything but wrapping paper, and I honestly love what I have so far. get ready to laugh, though: it's about someone who falls in love with a theremin player. we'll see how it goes.

ah, a night in my own bed. a rare treat.

wrote three hours ago, I know, but I'm feeling better and I wanted to post enough to say that I don't feel like committing hari-kari just yet (or harry carey, for that matter; it's hard to commit a dead guy). I AM looking forward to going home, though, and talking things out with mom.

I haven't been lying in the dark after all; rather, I've been reading mrs. dalloway. like so many people, seeing "the hours" inspired me. it's so damn good, but I bought it to read over the weekend and it looks like I'll finish it tonight.

note the myriad new links to other blogs on the left side of the page. bryan gave me corinne's and it cross referenced to a million people I hadn't heard from/seen in ages (sammy's an indie kid now?! what the fuck? there aren't allowed to be cute gay indie boys! it makes life too much worth living!); as before, anyone who doesn't want their name up in this piece drop me a line and tell me to take them the fuck off. no prob.

I've been swilling down syrupy port, and it's made my tummy ache. I'm gonna take a zantac and get back to virginia woolf. may the schwartz be with you.

it's not any better today. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with me. I wonder if I need to be on antidepressants. I think I'll talk to ernest. it's long overdue.

charles doesn't deserve this. I haven't seen him in days because I haven't felt up to it. why is everything such a strain?

I missed my day classes again today. I talked to richie; one more slip-up and I fail, basically. and this is the only class I need to graduate. I just can't seem to stop myself from sleeping all day.

I'm going home tomorrow. I want to spend a few days lying in the dark. till then, well...that's what I'll be doing here.

what an awful day. no reason in particular; I've just felt really depressed. tonight I decided to just blow off laying out the paper and go to the blue hour with bryan and gabe. so I'm a little tipsy, which may affect how much sense this entry makes.

I talked to mom for a while today about how awful I feel. I think that, if there is any reasoning behind my state of mind, it's how uncomfortable/uneasy I feel with certain aspects of my life. wow, that's general. but I realized that there are only two relationships I have right now that really work without question. one, mine with my mom. she's always there, she never changes, and she always listens. it's wonderful to have your mother for one of your best friends, and I hope she knows that. two, my friendship with ali. we're so alike that it's scary sometimes--granted that's probably just because we've hung around so much that we've merged a little, but still. I can always rely on that friendship, and I hope that I always can.

I'm really sorry for anyone reading this who isn't one of those two people--everyone in my life is so special and so important, and I don't want to shortchange anyone. thank you all. but ALL my other relationships worry me to some extent, just like everything else, for some reason.

what I really need is a responsible routine, I know. it would help my sanity a lot. although I love spontaneity, I need predictable things too. I'm just too ADD to implement them. but sometimes...take this, for instance:

jeremy's waking up routine: get up. pick out clothes. get in shower. shampoo and rinse. put in conditioner. shave. rinse out conditioner. put on facial cleanser. wash everything else with body wash. rinse face. dry off. put on boxers, then deodorant. put on undershirt and cologne. brush teeth. then jeans, then shirt. moisturize face. do hair.

it must be in that exact order. if anything is off, I'll be weird all day. I just wish I could do more things that way. wake up at a fixed time. exercise. study. spend time with people who need my attention. I feel my life spin out of control at least once a day. lately more often. and it's making me depressed.

I just keep waiting for an epiphany, some ethereal event to happen and make me realize what's really wrong and what to do about it. I'm tired of being upset by everything--hell, I looked at a damn grove of trees today and thought about how it made me feel worse. ever feel like that? you look around at everything in the world, however insignificant or small, and think about how horrible it all is? yeah.

wow, this isn't very theraputic after all. time to call it a night before anyone reading this thinks I'm suicidal or something. I'm not; I just like to bitch.

such a guilford quiz...

i am open-minded!




How indie are you? test by ridethefader

You're pretty knowledgeable about music in general. You like indie music, sure, but that's only part of it.
You'll listen to any old shit as long as it sounds good to you. You're not snobby about music at all, you
just like what you like. How boring. Curiously, this makes you popular with the opposite sex.

it occurred to me that, despite the escalating tension between the u.s. and iraq, I have had nothing to say about war here. well, I'm currently reading mother night by kurt vonnegut, and I just came across a passage that struck a chord with me. this is an exchange between the protagonist, howard, and his wife, helga:

"'You hate America, don't you?' she said."
"'That would be as silly as loving it,' I said. 'It's impossible for me to get emotional about it, because real estate doesn't interest me. It's no doubt a great flaw in my personality, but I can't think in terms of boundaries. Those imaginary lines are as unreal to me as elves and pixies. I can't believe that they mark the end or the beginning of anything of real concern to a human soul. Virtues and vices, pleasures and pains cross boundaries at will.'"

wouldn't it be nice if the warmongers of the world stopped to think that we're all just human beings who happen to live on different pieces of "real estate?" the only problem is that they'd all have to think that way, eh? I think it's a great shame that the different peoples of the world have such inferiority complexes that they have to assert themselves over others to be able to sleep at night. people of other nations, races, sexual orientations, everything. sometimes we feel such a strong need to assert that we use violence to do it, which makes even less sense than slinging around prejudices and criticisms. the use of any weapon, however advanced, is primitive, barbaric. it shows no respect for human well being, which is a tangible thing. it only glorifies abstract constructs like patriotism and ego. despite whatever justification I am offered for war, it always feels more like the action of a schoolyard bully than anything else.

it's just real estate, folks. and guess what? gabe has the right philosophy about it all. in the grand scheme of things, "everyone ties." so deal.

crack crack crack. that sums it up. I wake up late in the afternoon today to see that GSO has turned into a mass of ice and overall nastiness. come dusk, it has completely shut down. bryan, ali, hannah and myself tried to go to barbecue for dinner (ali's last pork) but it was closed, so we ended up at the waffle house on high point road--like the ONLY thing open. God bless waffle house for always being there. the employees were amazingly cheerful and slightly delirious.

it rubbed off; I came back here, put on offspring's "americana" cd (wow, shades of high school) and a whimsical toboggan, and pseudo-slamdanced around my room while chugging on a 40 of olde english. pretty fly for a white guy, eh? it was incredibly amusing until I did a high jump and landed on the side of my right foot, which still hurts like hell. what was my course of action? for the next few minutes I listened to offspring while chugging the 40 and hopping wildly on my left foot. I love it when I actually have the energy to go completely insane like that. if I could do it more often I'd be a lot better off.

my car has a flat tire. I am pissed about that. I'm not sure if I'm even going to bother fooling with it tomorrow with the weather like it is. the 'rents have to send me the receipt for the tires cuz we just got them from sam's club and they should replace the bum tire for free. til then I'm at the mercy of friends with functional cars. I'm probably better off; I can hang around campus tomorrow and actually get some things accomplished instead of running off to tate st. like always.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately--must be valentine's day--and I've decided that pretty much everyone falls into one of three categories: 1) Those Who Can Have Who They Want, 2) Those Who Must Settle, and 3) Those Who Are Too Shy/Picky. that's pessimistic, I know, but I think it's true. very few people are actually #1s. tons are #2s. many, many people are #3s--their problem is that they a) either don't believe that they CAN fit into 1 or 2, or b) refuse to accept that they're not a #1 and therefore stay perpetually single. in theory I guess everyone's a #1, but few people are ever in the right place at the right time to be one. I don't know where I was going with all this. never mind.

I was looking at law schools in frisco and stumbled across the new college of california. they only work with people who want to go into public interest law, and it's a very hippy-artsy sort of place. sounds ideal. I'll have to look into it further. oddly enough, the future doesn't sound too scary today. never fear; tomorrow I'll be sucking my thumb again.

I think that the absolute worst thing you can possibly eat to give you bad breath is a bag of funyuns. I could eat an entire raw onion and my mouth wouldn't taste this sketchy. toothbrush, ho!

new weekend. today was v-day. it was nice; charles and I ended up at china king in h-p because we couldn't get in much of anywhere else, but it was good. we just hung out here after that, doing our usual things. quiet but really nice. I'm lucky to have charles, and I hope he knows how much I appreciate him.

wednesday night I was an usher at the chuck d lecture in dana (for those of you not in the know, 1. what rock do you live under? and 2. he's the mastermind behind public enemy, one of the most influential hip-hop groups of all time, ever). what an amazing speaker. I love it when my favorite ideals (i.e. higher education, individualism, tolerance) are espoused by someone who can be seen both as an authority figure and someone who's in touch with my generation. I sure hope people take his words to heart.

chapel hill tomorrow w/ali to see almodovar's "talk to her." why it hasn't opened in GSO is beyond me. at least we get to go to the japanese steak house; ali's giving up meat as of this weekend. crazy.

I've been webstreaming a lot of internet stations lately. try this one:

http://www.live365.com/stations/revolving_radio
(sorry, the damn url link thing isn't working again)

it's the best one I've found so far. of course, those of you in the listening area should listen to 90.9 fm whenever possible...especially saturdays from 2-4 p.m. :)

oh, I almost left out the most important thing. I'm typing this on "sebastian," my amazing new hewlett-packard machine. techie stuff: 256 mb ram, 120 gb hard drive, dvd-rom, cd-rw, and a top of the line sound card and speakers (not taking a chance with cheap audio hardware again!). I'm in love.

note to ashley: update your damn deadjournal. you can't still be wearing those peruvian socks.

gotta go to bed else I won't arise in time for my radio show. that would suck, as it would be the 6th or 7th time. ali just has too much fun up there alone; we can't have that.

well, weekend's winding down. friday night was kickin at the hildebrandt party. some bands that no one had heard of and a lot of incredibly drunk people, including yours truly. we had a pretty good crowd at our place, too, with john, hannah, gabe, and leslie all stopping by to visit.

it sounds so middle school, but the highlight of my evening was thus: I was wearing my "I will kiss the boys" t-shirt and plaid pants, which prompted jack hilley to randomly walk up and plant a wet one on me--the cheek, that is. "just obeying your shirt," he said, and I returned the favor. it made my life; I've had a crush on jack for 2 1/2 years and I don't care who knows it!

more kissing--I was walking up the steps and hannah kissed me chastely on the cheek and started yelling about how she'd just made out with me. "no, hannah, THIS is making out," I slurred, and showed her how it was done. she was delighted, and it was all in good fun. so aside from getting franzia sloshed all over me (at least not much got in my mouth), it was a nice evening.

funny things said under the influence of no drugs whatsoever (ahem...possible irony):
"you want to set me on fire because I think zydeco involves rice and beans?"--me
"he's gone mental on account of the witch skin!"--ashley

josh and I got pork chop sandwiches today at the snappy lunch, a rare treat. mmm...nothin like a lard laden lunch.

saw "the hours" friday night. amazing movie, but it made me feel like (or should I say "reminded me that") my life is very trivial.

when I was a kid and my family was still practicing Baptist, we had this nice minister named reverend farrah. mom likes to talk about how he held me as a baby and said, "I get a remarkable feeling from him. he's going to do great things," or something like that.

will I? how great will they be? or have I somehow already done them? what standard should I use--should I try to found a leper colony, or content myself with helping old ladies cross the street? I want so much to accomplish something, to be of some use as a human being. before that, though, I have to decide what path to take to best do it. I just wish I could wake up one morning--soon--and know what is the right thing.

all I do is bitch about the same crap over and over. next entry WILL be a change of pace. and by that I mean...

randomness:

I'd like to see an ordinance passed restricting the use of pt cruisers to taxicabs. they should all be taken over by cab companies and painted yellow. they'd make good cabs.

I really wanted an apple today, but I didn't want to go to teeter and buy one freaking apple. I thought about asking someone to steal me one from the caf, but it just felt silly.

I've been thinking in important words all day, I dunno why. "eschew" and "pontificate" keep popping up in my head to describe things. "boon" and "clandestine," too. I often write like that, but never think as such. I should write an essay on something, anything, and get it all out of my system.

tears welled up in my eyes today in my car cuz belle and sebastian came on and I felt all sad that I missed out on their contest. see, they were "auditioning" fans/reporters to come and chill with them based on 200 word essays on why they should. said fan/reporter would interview them about various things and get drunk with the whole crew (I feel qualified to do both, and I'm sure they'd agree). I didn't know that the deadline was so soon; I would have stated my case beautifully. still, can't believe I got all teary about it. hell, yes I can.

okay, I guess that's it then.

I should really be trying to sleep (test tomorrow, blecch), but I wanted to recap all the weird shit that has made up the past two days first. yesterday my alarm didn't go off (I forgot to turn it on) and I slept through my two day classes. when I woke up I was really depressed about that, so I kept making myself go back to sleep. ever done that? anyway, I finally got up and decided I was too upset to go to night class either, so I went for a drive. I drove all the way to roanoke, in fact. I bought some mill mountain coffee, ate dinner, and drove back. I felt better then.

that doesn't change the fact that I am so apt to have little "brain tantrums" like that. I mean, how many times have I "run away" from school, just gone home without telling anyone? no less than three mental health professionals have pronounced me to be of sound mind, but sometimes I wonder. it's can't just be ADD at fault. sometimes I really scare myself. a lot.

so tonight I was spending a pleasant evening with charles when my phone rang. first my room, then my cell. I answered it neither time, but checked my messages after c. had left. it was joey again, both times. wants to talk, he says. sounded friendly enough, but the timing of the call was enough to weird me out. I guess I'll give him a buzz; one call can't hurt. it's just that even hearing his voice now throws me off kilter. a lotta water under that bridge, folks. more than anyone could ever imagine.

oh, if only I can get through tomorrow. then I'll turn over a beautiful new leaf and lead a life of unparallelled normalcy. but how many times have I said that before...

okay, I'm REALLY going to bed soon, I just wanted to post one thing:

Intriguing Things Said About “the Gay” by Hot Straight (?) Celebs:

“Well, I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, so to deny it is to make a judgment.”--Keanu Reeves

“If I was gay, that wouldn't be a big deal, so why would I hide it?”—Justin Timberlake (one of Advocate’s Coolest Straight People of 2002)

“I look at Brad Pitt, and I will never, and could never, look like that. He is just incredible to look at. Period. If I were gay, he would be one of the posters on my wall.”—Matt Damon

“‘Wilde’ was a gay movie, my part was gay, I have a lot of gay mates, and Atti [bisexual actor and best friend Andre Schneider] is a good kisser. That's all I have to say about this. I won't admit or deny anything. Makes me more interesting.”—Orlando Bloom

“I honestly think I could be happy being gay, but I like women too much to make the switch.”—Stephen Dorff

“Most of my male friends are gay ... I consider myself to be straight only because I've never had a homosexual experience.”—Guy Pearce

“When we become educated, prejudices go out the window. All prejudices are based on ignorance, and as people learn more about gay men and women, they realize they're really no different, they have the same problems.”—Dean Cain

“It's cool to be gay.”—Mark Wahlberg (post-Marky Mark, obviously)

whatta weekend. last night was very amusing. my wonderful, amazing apartment-mates bought me a chick-fil-a nugget tray as a late birthday present. naturally I shared. gabe brought over a bottle of the captain, and several of us got quite giddy.

after a drunken singalong in ashley's suite, I went with her and carra to house of breakfast after we'd sobered up. after we ate carra said something like, "you know, we should really go see that big chair that's around here sometime." I replied, "wanna go now?"

so at 5:30 a.m. we found ourselves in thomasville standing around the big chair. we confused passing cars by pointing up at it. fell into bed around 7. it rocked.

I was very displeased with charles, however. he went to a party at 9 but said he'd leave and be back by 11. he never showed. he called today to apologize, writing off his negligence to an abundance of booze and bud. I dunno--I've never been so substanced that I couldn't make a simple phone call. I'm still fuming.

had a nice, girly evening tonight with ali, a whitman's sampler, and "roman holiday." nothing like audrey hepburn and chocolate to boost your outlook on life.

carra and I had a great discussion last night about how no girl should EVER tell her gay guy friend that their friendship is "just like will and grace." then, on the phone tonight, cassie did exactly that. is it really necessary to pigeonhole a relationship into a neat, tidy, pop culture metaphor? after being on the "will" end of several interactions, I can tell you that it starts to feel rather patronizing.

to those of you who haven't seen "fellini's 8 1/2," do it. I was watching my dvd tonight, and was reminded that the sequence with the dancing prostitute, saraghina, is the funniest thing in any film EVER.

sun's coming up, must be time to go to sleep.

s'been a pleasant day/night. charles is back, although I've yet to see him, grr. some apartment cleaning has brightened up the place. slept late and actually have energy for once.

ali and I went to see "far from heaven." don't waste your money. we were looking forward to it so much, and we were both disappointed. too overdramatic. seemed more like a lifetime movie than an oscar contender to me.

so last entry I wished for better dreams. I don't know about better, but try this out: it was my b-day dinner again, but this time at shoney's. josh h. brought a date--a tall, hot guy with dark hair that didn't say much. before josh he only dated chicks, so he was kind of self-conscious.

then he and josh both started flirting with me to make each other jealous. I thought it was juvenile. later a bunch of us went back to my parents' house to party--only the house was huge, with a bedroom for all 6 or so of us there.

said hot guy ended up naked in my bed and we did all sorts of fun things. I kept thinking, "why's he sleeping with ME when josh is right there?" and "josh is going to go over to this guy's room to sexually surprise him and find him gone...that may suck." alas, I awoke before drama unfolded.

so what was it? my desire to win out over josh in the guy department for once? or some half-assed subconscious way of expressing my desire for josh himself...? I mean, as long as I keep seeing him and knowing him he's always going to be on the back burner of the stove of my thoughts, heh. it's something I've learned to deal with since acknowledging that it ain't ever gonna happen. you can love someone without LOVING THEM, for cryin out loud. and I've got charles, for which I'm profoundly grateful.

gonna keep working on my bottle of wine while I wait for the evening to unfold...

blecch. four hours on the guilfordian today and the damn thing isn't done. I had to beg off to james as being tired, which I fucking well am. I get really irritated working with vera and robbie sometimes, but I wish they were here this week to share the burden.

I did have some fun tonight, though. the apartment+gabe and hannah went to the blue hour for jazz and overpriced liquors. I love that place, but it's gotta be a special occasion to warrant shelling out the dough. at least the guy playing the standing bass was hot.

speaking of special occasions, I don't like being 22 years old, dammit. 21 is the certified partying age, so once you hit 22 you start realizing that you'll have to start being responsible at some point in your life. responsibility sucks. sigh.

going to sleep soon, and I REALLY hope I don't have a dream as disturbing as last night's. for some background info, this urban legend: on the ohio players' recording of "love rollercoaster," there's a woman's scream in the background (rollercoaster, makes sense). legend was that a girl burst into the studio pissed off about something and that the manager stabbed her to death to shut her up...while the group was recording the song, and the scream was left on tape (see snopes.com for more details). it's totally untrue, but my dream last night was an exact recreation of the legend. I woke up all freaked out. bad scene. God, let me dream about sexy boys instead this time? please?

don't usually post online quiz results, but this one just made me too happy:


Which guy are you destined to have sex with?
brought to you by Quizilla

thought I'd post some more creative crap. unlike most of my poems, I genuinely like this one.

Nutmeg

We sit on the dirty rug
Stoned out of our minds
Listening to some bisexual
Folk singer, I don’t know who
And flying high above this
Dingy midtown apartment

We laugh about men
We cry about men
We color Scooby-Doo
We ponder the peeling paint
And find fluffy rabbits
In the brown water stains

Maybe we should go to the
Grand Canyon, spend weeks
Staring at the stars and reading
Rimbaud while we try to catch
Fish and end up resorting to
Beef jerky sustenance

Then again, maybe we’re both
A couple of phonies, two cubic
Zirconias pretending to be diamond
Reincarnates of the beats, Cassidy
And Kerouac maybe—but does it
Matter, as long as we believe in it

Time will tell as we age I suppose
If we act in bit plays and spend
Our last pennies hitching to the
West coast with gray in our hair
And crow’s feet from so many
Years of laughter and smiles

the most terrible thing happened on friday. charles' dad died. I don't know why; no one said, and I didn't want to push him to talk at the time. charles stayed over that night and his mom picked him up on saturday. he seems to be doing ok. I can't even imagine what I would do.

it made me think about some things. first of all, I think it's really sad that charles never came out to his dad. now he never can. I haven't really come out to mine, either, when you get right down to it. but it's such a tough thing. the dads are always the hardest. I mean, I have the greatest dad in the world, no doubt. he's a liberal enough guy and there's no way that he would stop loving me or anything crazy like that. still...there's always that fear. well, when he and mom get my wedding invitation in a few years maybe he'll figure it out, heh.

also, I really and truly love charles. we've been exchanging the l-word for a while now, and I've always felt good about it. but taking care of him this weekend brought my thinking to another level--I'm so maternal, and I always gravitate toward others' weaknesses and tough times. realizing that I can be strong for him and help him made me feel really good. so, in turn, it can be said that he made me feel really good. which brought the whole love business home somehow. I dunno. it's just nice.

yesterday was great, though. dinner at lucky 32 was awesome--we had 14 people I think, including me and the 'rents. I hung out a lot with carra and ashley. hannah was here quite a bit, too, which was cool. I wonder what next weekend will bring.

except my parents' coming made me start thinking for the billionth time how lucky I am to have them, and how guilty I should feel that they are so good to me. I am so fucking spoiled. I cost them so much money, and I don't make any of my own. so whenever they do something really nice for me I start to feel 1) guilty because I probably don't deserve it, 2) self-hatred for not being that generous myself, and 3) scared shitless because I know that there will come a time soon when I have to rely solely on my own finances, which I'm sure will not support my high standard of living. none of my immediate career plans entail making even a fifth of my dad's salary, and I may never do as well as he does now. not that money is everything, but it's something. and it worries me that I may have to do without a lot of the things I take forgranted now. anyway.

so the other night I had this amazing sex dream about "hot chris." that's this guy who...well, his name is chris and he's hot (and bi, but that's moot at the moment, ay?) it was a really vivid dream, and it keeps entering my thoughts.

well, today ali and I were stopped at the light on arcadia when someone runs up to the passenger side window and knocks--yep, him. asking me what my license plate means, heh. it was SO random. I practically drooled all over the steering wheel. I wanted yell after him "so you don't really know me, but I had this dream where..."

speaking of sleep...

thhppt.

yep, I'm back. have been for a while now. classes are fine. people are fine. as tracy bonham so wisely said, "everything's fine."

it's just that I'm having some real issues with...well, with what happens next. to quote a more respectable artist than ms. bonham, "the future is wide open." I'm not sure what to do.

in misery, paul sheldon thinks of what would happen if you replaced an african bird from a zoo back in its natural habitat. it would look around, feel frightened, and sit forlornly until a predator came along and killed it. it wouldn't be sure what to do.

I know how that feels. while guilford is certainly not a prison, I can also understand how many parolled criminals, after spending years in the pen, commit more crimes just to get back in. there are just too many options. you have to decide for yourself. I mean, you have to. fuck.

I can't believe I'm considering law school as one of my post-GuilCo options. of course I'll have to stick around here for a while boning up on background info for that, but hell--I'll be here anyway. fact is, if I don't decide pretty fucking soon, I'll have nothing. I'll have to beg blockbuster to hire me as their rewind guy or something.

on happier notes: this bastard of a PC that I'm typing on now will soon be no more. a gorgeous, gorgeous new machine is on its way. I felt bad asking mom for one, but I can't deal with this p.o.s. anymore. it crashes before windows even loads now.

also, the b-day dinner is saturday, woo hoo! I can't wait, even if we are going to lucky 32 instead of bianca's. every year there's something new. this year I have my amazing new pals carra and ashley attending as well as the amazing boyfriend. I wish I'd known them all last year. carra and ashley are people I never want to live without again. and charles is OK too ;)

time for bed. well, after watching some more of my cheesy t.v. movie, anyway.

I find myself descending further and further into full-on crackdom. I keep waking up around dawn and being unable to sleep any more, so I end up exhausted by 9 at night. well, it's better than sleeping all day. I've started to spend routine days with dad, which is kinda nice. 11 a.m., talk about stuff in the newspaper and have snacks. noon, run errands and go somewhere cheap for lunch (after being subjected to a few minutes of "the other half"). back to watch NBC soaps. mom gets home from work and we tell her all that we didn't get accomplished. I'm diggin it.

big event of the day: replacing mom's wiper blades. lesson learned: get someone else to do it from now on. I'm surprised the NAACP hasn't called me out for being in "blackhands" rather than "blackface."

my complexion has also descended into the crack den. I get to greet my fellow fighting quakers looking like a picture of mars. blecch.

and the green grass grew all around...