what a fantastic weekend. saturday afternoon josh and I headed off to lexington for the barbecue festival. we met mad dog at lexington barbecue and joined him for sandwiches and hush puppies at the kitchen table in his westfalia van. I felt so badass. then the three of us went downtown to fight the crowds and see the pig races.

later that night josh and I went to see the old 731 crowd at their house on lexington avenue; it was eban's birthday. maybe it's just because I've been so socially deprived lately, but I think it was the best party I've ever been to. I swilled down 100 proof soco and talked sex with sarah sherman and her "truly bisexual" boyfriend. got up enough momentum on the porch swing to turn into inside-out boy. just kind of circulated and felt fabulous. I'm glad every weekend isn't like that...I'd never want to leave gso, heh.

tonight I'm calling in sick to work and going to see b&s with sarah love. I swear, if I called and kristy said, "come in or you're fired," I'd quit. I will NOT have stuart murdoch within an hour of me and not see him.

I have a date tomorrow, coffee in high point with michelle's pal travis. I already don't like him, but it can't hurt. he keeps clogging up my voice mail with messages, so I should give him some face to face time.

happy birthday to carra today!

peace out.

a car accident follow-up made it worth my while to write. tacky lady is claiming personal injury (whiplash)! what a laugh. "yes, having the side of my car scraped at about 10 mph gave me whiplash." I think not. well, let the insurance companies duke it out. if she gets anything out of it, I just hope she doesn't blow it all on more gaudy qvc-lookin jewelry.

I've made a slight alteration in my daily routine. every day I go to tate street, get my coffee, and write. I've taken the advice of film education mavens camille landau and tiare white: write for 20 minutes each day whether you have anything to say or not. and I've actually produced some worthwhile ideas. no real light-bulb moments yet, but I haven't really expected any. just flexing the old creative muscles, atrophied things that they are.

I type so much more efficiently than I handwrite, though; I'm thinking of investing in a used laptop. anything will do, so long as it runs ms word. on my budget, though, I might end up with something weighing 20 lbs and a 5 1/4" drive.

after years of wanting to, I watched the postman always rings twice last night. depressing, but great flick. the characters are so dynamic that they're almost unrealistic, but jack nicholson and jessica lange both do great jobs.

since I'm currently in a "who cares" frame of mind about my physical self, I'm gonna go scarf leftover pizza and milky way popables. if I don't write for a few weeks I've probably died from acute indigestion.

point of interest: had a car accident on monday. I was on my way to work and about to merge onto freeman mill rd. the car in front of me pulled forward and out of my field of vision--I was checking for a break in traffic. smart guy that I am, I didn't notice that the car hadn't merged...and I sort of merged into the car. the corner of the other lady's back bumper caught the passenger side of cedric, scraping him all the way back to the rear wheel. the car behind me was, luckily, an off-duty gso policewoman who called for another cop (a cute one, too) who politely filed the report and didn't even write me a ticket--which I think pissed off the other driver (really tacky lady with big hair in a gold jaguar). ha, ha. but now I have big scrapes. well, they shall be remedied.

today was clear and beautiful, warranting a sandwich from bruegger's and a trip to the bicentennial garden. but the nights are so cold now. I've promised myself a cashmere sweater before winter sets in; doesn't look like it'll be too long.

wonderful/creepy coincidence: driving down 85 today I got this random urge to hear the belle and sebastian song "big john shaft," and I searched fruitlessly for storytelling; must be in the case in my trunk. driving home tonight, turned on wuag and there it was. haven't heard b&s on the radio in ages, and to hear the very song...way cool.

I'm tired, but sleep may be some time in coming due to my (completely rational, thank you) fear of the emergency broadcast system. I was trying to watch monty python and they kept testing it, and it put me right on edge. well, here goes nothin.

weekend recap.

saturday: the drive-by truckers in asheville. once again they win the most bang for your buck prize, playing another 3 hour show (no opening band). no obnoxious drunk guys in the crowd--always a plus. nothin like a truckers show to make me feel some good hearty southern pride. they embody "the southern thang" in a way that makes them seem like nice, intelligent, respectful versions of the good ol' boys we so often love to hate. so I guess you could say that they help break down stereotypes while celebrating differences. indirect social commentary and kickass rock to boot. I love 'em.

sunday: lunch in w-s with the 'rents, granny, and aunt kay. good times all round...granny said it looks like I'm gaining weight, though. does it? I really need to get a sensible, working diet in place. I still look just a little ridiculous.

then, show #2. josh couldn't go; work or some such nonsense. matt suggs was the first band--palatable enough, but a little too indie-depressive for me to ever listen to regularly. then john vanderslice, who I've always not-so-secretly loathed. actually old vandersnooze was ok, though; I enjoyed his set more than when I saw him before. he just reminds me a little bit of the guitarist in animal house. would john belushi break his guitar? maybe not quite so violently, but probably.

then beulah. I can't remember the last time I had such an amazing live music experience. no hipster posturing for that crowd. at times I had a tough time seeing the stage people were jumping so high while dancing around. I just had to jump higher. shoulda worn earplugs as they were quite loud indeed, but I wouldn't have it any other way. "pop" might be a dirty word to some people, but for those of us that appreciate it I can't think of any currently recording band that does it better, not even my beloved b&s. if beulah heads your way, go see them. if not, just go buy one of their CDs. right now. I said so.

tis now monday morning and time to get some sleep before the grind starts once again. so with all the weekend's spiffy tunes still ringing in my ears (literally), I shall say good night.

I dub october 10th "official crawl in a hole day." I went by united around 4:30 to pick up my final check from them, thinking that it was fine to come anytime before 5:00 (I was there around 4:30 before). apparently if checks aren't picked up by 4:00 they are mailed. if this is their policy, that's fine. but there was no call for the office hags to be rude about it. no, not rude--try openly hostile.

which made me think about how accustomed I am to good manners, and I wonder if it doesn't have a little bit to do with living in the south. even compared to parts of west virginia, people are really more patient and courteous here (unless they're driving). and allowing for rare exceptions like evil united employees. this made me glad that I'm considering san francisco as one of my relocation options: while the feel of the place is far removed from north carolina, attitudes aren't that different. strangers are nice to strangers. that's the way it should be.

blunder: forgot to clock in after lunch today and screwed myself up on the time clock. scott says it'll be ok. but it was a nice bit of crusty, sour icing on today's dried up, moldy cake.

went to see dr. mckinney yesterday; told her about my problems with lexapro and she put me on zoloft instead. I wonder if I really need antidepressants, anyway. I've been fine without them for a couple of months, but kookiness spells are unpredictable things.

tomorrow: drive-by truckers in asheville. sunday: lunch with the 'rents, granny, aunt kay and uncle ronnie in winston, then beulah in carrboro. music and family, whatta weekend.

next week: lunch at chili's with pimp momma michelle and her pal travis who she's dying to set me up with. hope for me that he doesn't have three heads...wait. ooh. three heads. kinda hot...ahem, never mind.

today's ills must be drowned in a glass of cabernet before retiring. time for booze and a rerun or two.

so I was just thinkin' on how I haven't made any more progress on my film school agenda. I wonder if it's because it would be a slightly stressful thing to do. one thing I'll give my life: stress is pretty much nil, knock on wood. dealing with traffic on I-85 and the messiness of the apartment are really the only things that rankle me, and it's a mild sort of rankle. I need to just get over myself and do it, otherwise I'll be at the same old stand this time next year...

bought the new pornographers' mass romantic today. I'd say it's a must listen. it's a teensy bit edgier than electric version, which I bought first. more metronomic, yet more intricate at the same time. cutting through the bullshit: haven't decided which album I prefer yet, but if you like one you'll definitely like both.

pitchfork loves dear catastrophe waitress. as much as I like it myself, I almost wish they didn't.

as irritating as I find tammy (a co-worker), she earned major points tonight by randomly mentioning a grapefruit spoon. although I'd rather have expounded on that specifically, the comment sparked a marvelous discussion about sporks in which we ascertained that it's impossible not to think of kfc when sporks come into question.

have to take cedric to carmax in 9.5 hours to get his brake cables replaced--they "ordered the parts" about two months ago and they just came in. mmm hmm. anyway, off to bed.

my paycheck came, complete with september 23 postmark. why so long? I dunno, just glad I have it. also got my i.d. badge at work--as did catherine, michelle, and martha--which is (pathetically) very exciting for all concerned.

college hill festival today. lots of social interaction, always a good thing. carra wasn't ignoring me, just...thinking that I was busy. lots of nice lookin fellas down that way. but when you have my rapunzel's-tower-like existence, john goodman starts to look lush and tasty after a while (disclaimer: not really).

I'm supposed to be at the kudzu wish show tonight, but I'm kinda tired. was going to go to a party at corndale house tonight, but I'm kinda tired. I think I might just stay in and watch drowning mona. that movie is soooo horrible. why do I like it? and for some reason I think casey affleck is really cute in it. maybe it's because his character's so lame. I've always had a nerdy guy thing.

IMed nicole for quite some time. at medical school they apparently put brains in freezer bags labeled "brain" with a sharpie, and do the same with various other organs and such. does anyone else find that as hysterically funny as I do?

speaking of school, my to-do list for the morrow includes typing up a letter of inquiry to send out to film program directors at various and sundry colleges. is this really what I want to do? am I sure? we shall see.

in closing, next week is mental illness awareness week. I'm aware of my mental illness. how bout you?

irritation: my last paycheck is still awol. united staffing swears they mailed it, but that was a week ago. if it doesn't turn up, I have to pay THEM $30 to stop payment on the check and rewrite it. how lame is that? still, the fact that our mail has been so sketchy worries me. a mail thief at park forest? uh uh. can we say breaking the lease and moving out?

I'm worried that carra's avoiding me for some reason. I haven't heard from her in about 2 weeks, although I've left her 2 messages. hmm.

sarah stringfield's going with me to b&s! now I just have to decide if I want to be super dorky and go to the atlanta show by myself the night before. I probably will.

talked to ali after my last post for about an hour. isn't it remarkable that two people with such boring lives can talk that long? I think so.

the other day at work: catherine was describing a friend of hers to kathy and said "he's scrawnier than he is," jerking her thumb at me. me? scrawny? it prompted me to go home and get on the scales--I'm by no means scrawny, not even, but I've lost about 12 pounds since mid-summer. hooray for being malnourished. I need to eat more regularly and get a little exercise; that way I can continue my quest for scrawniness and not feel like I'm wasting away.

bought a fancy new showerhead. why? dunno. I waste so much money. sunday I went to southpoint and had a $20 lunch at gabbiano's, spent $30 at nordstrom, and $30 at the gap. plus gas to get there and back. not insanely heavy duty, granted, but still. at least I have some sweet new threads (that were severely marked down).

no clever closing line. just adios.

oh, and:

monday, october 27th...

the carolina theater in durham...

belle and sebastian.

(cue sing-song voice) somebody's not going to work that night! oh, and if anyone's interested, I went ahead and bought 2 tix since the show is seated and I'd like to actually go with someone. let me know.

no lameo quiz result postings in a bit, so...


You horny bastard....you're Victor! Everybody
thinks you get more than you do. You wear short
shorts. Your hair is...poofy. You are the only
one who knows how to navigate the river. And
you risk your life for the love of a woman.
You're just a love machine.


What Wet Hot American Summer Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

grievance to air: I found out why I STILL haven't gotten my employee number at work yet. in spite of the fact that I told the idiots at medzone that I take adderall, my drug screening still came back positive for amphetamines. they referred the results to their cmo out in the midwest somewhere. they sat on it for weeks and finally called me today to get the scoop. long story short, the error has been corrected and I should be official o.d. next week. so annoying.

yet another grievance: my paycheck didn't come today. aroo? guess I'll have to give united staffing a ring.

finally heard the strokes' new single today (I imagine I'm the last person in the hemisphere). it's like they're trying to sound like the postal service trying to sound like the velvet underground (although I naturally hold the latter two bands in higher esteem). if it's any indication of the album, it sounds like their sound has "evolved" enough to keep the critics happy but doesn't stray so much from the old fomula as to alienate loyal fans. my prediction: room on fire will outsell is this it. hell, I'll probably end up buying it myself.

immaturity in the workplace: several of us sat around on the 12:30 break discussing at some length what a great butt scott has. following him back into the building, laughter was stifled with much difficulty. funny. middle school, but funny.

get ready, all ye nyc peeps--preparations are underway for a trip to the big apple in about 6 weeks. this time I PROMISE to try and see everyone I need to see! tiffany, shana, becka, et al. you know who you are.

and now, to ingest many calories that will go straight to my hips as I sleep.

got off work early and still have bit of energy. first I went to wal mart. warning--"jeremy is evil"alert: after picking up about $50 worth of useless crap to buy, I came to my senses and abandoned my cart and left (after skimming the latest spin cover to cover). I know it's awful to just leave merch around the store, but honestly...it's wal mart. I just can't feel remorse. I just feel glad that I was able to curb my spending; lately I've been throwing money away most awfully.

I'm currently simmering a pot of chicken tikka masala on the stove. 4109 has never smelled so heavenly. speaking of 4109, anyone have any sure-fire ways to get rid of fleas? josh and I are clean and decent people. we don't deserve this.

I dreamed last night that I was being violently accosted by randall flagg (the "dark man" from the stand) when I suddenly realized, "hey, this is my dream. I don't have to put up with this shit." with a flourish superman himself swooped down to rescue me, promptly flying me to hogwarts castle where madam pomfrey healed my wounds and harry potter looked on. wouldn't it be nice if we had that kind of control over real life? hey, it'd be nice if we usually had that kind of control over dreams.

guilford pals, take note: I was bored enough last night to watch an episode of "the love boat." one of the guest stars looked so much like jeff jeske (or lady elaine, if you will) that I briefly wondered if it actually somehow was. but the voice wasn't quite right and the teeth were all wrong. still, I wish I'd taped it to show everyone.

random observation: any sentence that contains both the words "homosexual" and "oldsmobile" is going to be confusing.

I just took a break from writing to check on the tikka masala, and I find myself returning to the keys having eaten half of it. I shall bury my face in shame in my pillows.

another week passes. it was one of the strangest I've had post-guilford, to be sure. tuesday night the computers at work crashed around 12:30. amid promises that they would be up and running shortly, we had to stick around...until 4:30, when they still weren't up. hey, we didn't care. we still got paid, and I got to meet some of my more bizarre co-workers--people who wear pajamas to work and sing children's songs while their busty co-horts discuss their sex toys so loudly that people in salisbury must have blushed. I loved it!

the hurricane: man, what a let down. other than standing outside in a little wind and rain to grab a quick smoke, it might have been just another rainy night. but I guess I should be glad that it wasn't the apolcalypic event we'd all been anticipating.

tonight I went to see anything else, the new woody allen flick, with the heathers and gary (heather #2's boyfriend, aka "the cute short guy who works at tate st. coffee"). it doesn't touch the fabulousness of his earlier movies, but he comes closer than he has in quite a while. it's kind of a reworked annie hall, but in a way that's incredibly refreshing given the mediocrity of his recent work. go see it.

talked to tiffany for an hour and a half tonight; a nice chat that also served as a reminder of our plans to relocate together next summer, hopefully with ali in tow. my sanity depends on this idear panning out at least a little. it's sad, but I'm just not brave enough to strike out completely on my own, even if I will be headed back to school. part of my reason for staying so downtrodden here is being lonely, and I don't want to get stuck in a frying pan vs. fire scenario. I wish I had the intellectual capability to be a misanthrope. alas, tis not for me.

haven't written since the jay farrar show. so wonderful. "windfall" made me cry--a concert first for me. several shows coming up that I can actually go to, which is a miracle.

soon's my laundry's done I'm off to bed. I made a daring impulse purchase at wal-mart the other day: new pillows. a great idea, but it makes being in bed that much more attractive.

observations:

if you're going to have the bad taste to ride in the bed of a pickup, you should at least look happy to be there.

"wooly bully" (by sam the sham and the pharoahs, of course) is one of mankind's highest cultural achievements.

60s beach movies: so awful that they're wonderful.
surrealist films: so wonderful that they're awful.
80s teen flicks: isn't it awful how wonderful they really are?
cheaply made horror flicks: isn't it wonderful how awful they really are?

grapefruit juice has a horrible aftertaste.

as a Christian respectful of non-Christians, group prayer makes me uncomfortable (case in point: last night's 9/11 memorial gathering at o.d.).

all coffeemakers should be named barney. I have logic, but don't feel like explaining it.

I wonder if this is true--
new york:chicago::barcelona:madrid?
it seems like it would be.

the adjective I'm least impressed by: very
the adjective I'm most impressed by: green eyeshade ("In a speech in Iowa broadcast on C-SPAN Thursday, Dean elaborated on his green-eyeshade economics.")

I think that if someone gave me a fruit roll-up the size of arizona, I'd be able to eat it. thankfully I'll never have to find out.

glory be, my internet is actually working! well, it works sometimes, but never when I want to write in this thing. big stuff afoot since last entry:

very very good news: I got my hiring papers from o.d., which means I get officially hired on by the company (with an itty bitty raise) next week. no more faxing time cards into united staffing, plus I get kickass health insurance and a little more job security than I've got right now, which is great.

very very bad news: no radio show for me this semester. I gave naman/andy every slot that I could possibly do--admittedly not many--but apparently none of them were available. that's what I get for actually having to work for a living and not being a collegiate bum anymore. I'm trying not to be a big baby about it, but I haven't listened to qfs since I got the news. well, I'll get over it.

so there's this guy...joe, yeah that's it...who has excellent taste in music. in fact, he and I share the same favorite band. said band's new album isn't coming out for quite a while yet, but has been rawther extensively leaked as it turns out. joe downloads album. joe is at first a bit confused by his fave band's different stylings on this record. but the more he listens, the more he likes until the album takes over his car stereo. joe listens happily day in and day out, thinking about how the indie scene may well be stood on its ear once the lp hits the shelves.

hey! I am NOT joe! I don't participate in music piracy! dirty! bad!

moving on, I've got to start getting to bed earlier so I can catch dallas reruns on soapnet. in fact, that's where I'm headed now.

I hate roadrunner internet. hatehatehatehatehate. hate. I had a big fat post all ready when my connection bleeped off for the bajillionth time today. I explained mysteries of the universe previously incomprehensible to those lacking my advanced and cultivated worldview. rather than do so again, I advise you to take an online quiz that could offer you beautiful ego boosting like this:



Congratulations! You managed to finish this test. Sure, it was only 10 questions, but we know the dim lighting in your parents' basement can make you sleepy. Even though you're not exactly a model for hard-core career motivation, your friends and loved ones adore you just the same for your charming personality and comic wit. (Your significant other even adored you four times in one night--and that's a job to be proud of.)

Which Buffy character are you?

can't believe I'm awake and didn't even bother to drive into the surrounding countryside to check out mars.

I drove a little aimlessly on my way home tonight, across 311 through downtown high point and on through jamestown. it didn't even occur to me until I was almost there that I was very near the u.s. 29 underpass...home of lydia. for those of you unfamiliar with the legend, it's said that the underpass (or rather, the ruins of the old nearby underpass) is haunted by the ghost of a girl killed there in 1926. many men have claimed to have stopped for a well dressed hitchhiking girl there and dropped her off in town, only to see her disappear. supposedly lydia only appears to men driving alone at night. I wasn't in quite the right area...but it's not too awfully out of my way, is it? morbid curiosity...

catherine and michelle are threatening to fix me up on dates with their various hommasexshul friends. I don't know what to think about that. all joking aside, it's not like being single is miserable. who would want to date me with my schedule anyway?

I really need to start dieting. but here's how my diet logic works:

1) buy groceries.
2) when 50% of groceries are gone, look at remainder and say, "damn. I need to stop eating crap. I'm going on a diet! but I won't waste food; I'll finish what's in the cabinets first."
3) cabinets emptied. by this time, motivation to start diet is gone. "fuck it," I think resignedly.
4) return to step 1.

I should at least use my exercise bike for something other than a coat rack.

I should also attempt to curb my sleeping--9 and 10 hours a day is a bit excessive. I'm not sick or depressed to my knowledge, just perpetually tired. and sleeping so much leaves me time for absolutely nothing but work. I don't even have a spare few minutes to waste at tate street anymore.

well, I need to stop all this kvetching. it's officially wednesday--payday eve, a holiday celebrated with much mirth at o.d. viva los paychecks!

all familial visits this weekend went well. josh's 'rents came up yesterday with his friend patrick and took the lot of us (brynn was here, natch) out to harper's. my own came down today with gran and I took us all to sapporo. felt nice to actually buy my parents dinner instead of the other way round. today was extra-special-super nice cuz I went to bb's and bought all the real girls (overpriced at $22) AND a used dvd copy of cecil b demented (steal at $8).

tonight was the first official wqfs meeting as well. for those of you unaware, the princeton review has ranked our little college radio station #4 in america. damn. that rules. anyway, being on campus now is very peculiar. sort of like...well, starting a new year at guilford when I'm not supposed to be. not bad, necessarily, just...naughty somehow. I can't explain it well. eh.

it has come to my attention of late that I need to decide just what the hell I'm doing. I've always had some aim or goal, even if it wasn't one that entered my conscious thought that often. graduating high school, graduating college, both of those done. my goal since may has been to prove to myself/everyone else that I can be self supporting. aside from my car payment (admittedly my major upkeep expense), I'm doing a fair job of that and will hopefully continue to do so. so point proven. now what? film school? law school? clown college? what? my mind is stagnating with lack of purpose. it's not that I need to move forward right away. I just need to know where I'm going when I do move. new project: evaluating options. anticipated completion date: soon, I hope.

as much a part of that decision as my schooling will be where I relocate to and with whom. if only ali, tiffany, and I could all take off for the same metro area. oh, and beckajamesheathergabejosh should also go. anyway, I haven't dropped the idear of just going down the road to winston to n.c.s.a. and keeping my job at o.d. for a bit. only their film school program is strictly tracked. read: probably wouldn't even get my 2nd bachelor's til I turn 25-26. but I saw an ad for a reasonably priced, renovated historic apartment on fourth street near the stevens center yesterday...just what I'd want. so even if I stay in nc, I can still be an art fop. that's a comfort.

enough aimless groping. I'm going to be "one of those people" tonight and hang out with folks on campus. well, as long as I don't start keeping a toothbrush there.

yes, I got the donuts. and watched an episode of buffy. very nice bedtime activities.

lots of bats hang around the lights outside my workplace. they swoop down to snatch the insects. tonight, this thought: "the bats darted and plunged like sewing machine needles gone horribly awry." a terrible analogy, but a funny one.

tonight was the o.d. employee appreciation cookout. very amusing to see a member of the conklin family dishing out chili. sort of a "real world" equivalent of don mcnemar--or kent chabotar, for you younger generation--carving turkey at guilford's thanksgiving dinner.

new adjective: "tranquilocrity." tranquility + mediocrity. in my mind, the two often go hand in hand. sort of like my life at the moment. peaceful and serene, but nothing special.

question: will I be labeled a shameless fop if I do end up moving to nyc, going to film school, and living in williamsburg? I most certainly will. but it sounds like such a good idea.

best physical sensation caused by food: taking a gulp of a cold beverage on a hot day and feeling it go down into your stomach.

worst physical sensation caused by food (excluding stomach/intestinal ailments): pizza cheese burns in your mouth.

word to the wise. by that I mean, "what's up, smart people?"

last and most likely least, a recipe for an excellent energy booster: stir one packet of swiss miss hot chocolate mix (or brand of your choice) into an 8 ounce cup of strong black coffee. stir. drink. ponder life's mysteries. climb walls.

can I just say how nice it is to be on the internet in my own home? for those of you who are interested, I am, in fact, stark raving naked. they don't like it in bauman if I go in without clothing. anyway, roadrunner rocks my lame ass, as does the wireless lan that josh and I set up ourselves. no cables for me; it all comes and goes through a cute little antenna. big whoop, I know, but I find it exciting.

digital cable is a lot of fun too. in demand episodes of monty python on bbc america are the shit. I can watch blancmanges play tennis whenever I feel like it!

my hours have not improved since carra's departure, only my boredom. I was thinking earlier: I've been blessed with many wonderful people in my life, but once in a while you run across someone that you connect with in a way that's entirely unique and makes the relationship completely and utterly irreplaceable. I think I've only had...um...four of those in my lifetime. carra's one. as for the others, I'll just let y'all wonder.

I think I'd enjoy a new boyfriend. applicants please apply in person on the corner of lee street and silver avenue on friday and/or saturday nights. bring cash. seriously, a nice fella would perk life up a bit. anyone ever watch the dick van dyke show? remember sally rogers and her constant search for "a nice fella?" my outlook on dating is totally sally rogers-core.

reminder: wish josh a happy 22nd birthday on thursday, and wish my mom a happy 29th on saturday. yes, my mother is in fact 29 years old. we get started early in dubya-vee-ay.

I really, really want some krispy kreme. and they open in 20 minutes...

gaaa. stupid thunderstorms in tennessee. lightning put the morristown area phone lines out of commission--hence, old dominion's terminal there went night-night early. us high point folks had to stay late, as did the good people of salt lake city, to finish what they couldn't. long story short, I didn't get off work until 4:45. I swear paper clips were moving across my desk around 4. but I love me some overtime pay.

internet and cable will be coming to 4109 on monday. josh and I are each ponying up around $50 to enable said technology...sigh. my financial situation has begun to look grim of late. I've accrued a lot of unexpected expenses this month. but I get irritated listening to other people bitch about finances. so I'll stop.

carra leaves the homestead for the greener grass of guilford this weekend; it will be quite an adjustment for both of us. I'm going to have to actually buy buffy dvds. if I don't come in from work and watch at least one episode, I feel all weird. and I do so like the episodes with seth green. gee. wonder why.

going to winston tomorrow--er, today--with josh and brynn to see the david byrne exhibit at secca and he loves me, he loves me not at the stevens center. because, once in a while, it's fun to turn into a complete fop. I'm tempted to buy a pack of cloves to take.

I reread a wrinkle in time. honestly, it's not one of my favorite young adult books, but it was very enjoyable and I plan to finally read the other two. my favorite part: when mrs. whatzit is describing the power that people have over their respective fates. lives, she says, are like sonnets. we're given a strict form to go by, a form that's unchangable. but within the parameters of that form, we can express ourselves however we choose. we can live as we choose. it's a simple thing, but think about it: that freedom is simultaneously the most wonderful and frightening thing in the world. we write, we revise, we crumple, and we write some more. just one. big. sonnet.

I like that.

a swell weekend, this. didn't go to bed after friday's work (got off at 4:15 sat. morning) and spend yesterday being cracked out. I made the best dvd purchase ever: the new special edition of valley girl. I was so inspired by its eighties-ness that I went out in seek of 80s-core red suspenders. I got them, along with a pair of truly vintage reebok pump sneakers. last night went to a show with josh and brynn...unfortunately I still don't know whom we saw; it was a free show at gate city. but one of the two bands was quite good.

coffee/dinner/barnes and noble with heather today. after 2 1/2 years of her living there, I finally saw her apartment. I wish I had her craftiness; I felt more at home there than I do in 4109. very quirky yet tasteful.

not that 4109 feels like home much anymore anyway. carra's friend charlie showed up in gso on thursday--she told him that he could use the apartment to shower and stuff while living in our apartment parking lot in his van. okay. charlie's a hell of a nice guy and having him around that much really isn't that bothersome. and I love carra too much to get all militant about it. but...damn, it would have been nice if she had consulted josh and I (aka we who pay rent) beforehand. and the whole place is just so filled with junk and people lying around that I find every excuse not to be there. it really sucks to feel like you don't have any control over what goes on in your own apartment, in your own home. home should be a place to escape to, not from. well, it's just until saturday.

tonight's the first wqfs meeting of the fall. can't wait to have a show again. what with working nights I don't have much of an outlet for my hipsterness anymore.

quite a lot going on, but all that's on tap for this week is a trip to the garage for cedric. he needs some new oil and his squeaky brakes tended to. I know. how fascinating.

'bout time to head on over to founders. support your local independent radio stations! not only are they the lifeblood of the airwaves, they're also the harvard of berea. never mind. just smile and nod.

nothing exciting. but sometimes you need to type. why, pray tell, after nine hours of typing at work do I need to type? I dunno. I never make sense.

I'm slowly but surely turning into a complete geek. not a nerd--that would be all right--but a geek. I listen to npr on my way to work. I keep track of my finances on a series of meticulously maintained spreadsheets; we're talking about stuff as small as 20 cents for a drink at work. I've started thinking of anyone under 21 years of age as "a kid" and chalking any of their behavior that displeases me up to their "lack of maturity." I imbibe gallons of coffee with my thirtysomething co-workers (alas, we have no water cooler to stand around) and discuss the weather and taxes and shoe stores.

know what, though? I don't mind it. I'm still as crazy as ever. that's what really counts.

bought the new pornographers' electric version today. it's quite good, in that rock-ought-to-be-fun sort of way that has always appealed to me. it's been a long time, though, since I've bought an album that I've really and truly been stoked about, though. I'd like like to discover a new personal belle and sebastian/rilo kiley/dcfc, although at the risk of seeming even more like an old fart I've been itching to beef up my jazz collection. we'll see what my budget will allow, which won't be too much.

carra had to have a root canal today. she's been consigned to the couch by darvoset, cuddling her ice pack like the breast of a much loved woman. well, a much loved woman who's fun to rub against your jaw.

I'm worried about dad. his job situation is beginning to look unstable. after over 20 years in the coal biz he and mom are accustomed to some instability, but I still fret.

speaking of jobs, at my workplace eric has been fired, adding to the list of casualties. I began work as a member of an eight person team...we're now whittled down to four (two quit, two terminated). tonight scott was telling me about having to dispose of eric (he missed more than his quota of sick days) and I told him, "um, scott? you know if you need any filing cabinets moved you can call me, right? car washed? first born child?" apparently I'm in good standing. and he doesn't want kids.

it's getting right about breakfast time, kiddos. I'm still caffeinated, so I think I'll go make some biscuits and gravy to have for breakfast with josh before he heads off to school. I love my weird hours.

I'm on a mexican, whoa oh, radio.

what a rainy night in the boro. forrest gump was right; it does seem to come up from underneath sometimes. wonder what this bodes for winter?

went with carra and emily last night to see a concert--katherine whalen (former lovely lady of the squirrel nut zippers) and the jazz squad in raleigh. I think it was the best weekend night I've had since graduation. we chugged tequila in the car before going into the amphitheater, and so were a bit incoherent upon meeting the lovely miss whalen after her gorgeous performance. then, instead of watching chicago where it was being shown on the lawn, we went and hung out with some fellow cig smokers on a terrace above everyone else. this one guy, zachariah, was insanely cute in the coolest possible way, but ended up being so lame that carra and I discussed his lameness right in front of him and his friends. but everyone was still very amusing, especially with the tipsy factor. a late night dash into the cosmic cantina and back home.

josh is all settled in. the apartment looks a bit like the set of sanford and son: every corner is filled with stuff belonging to one of the three of us. until carra moves back onto campus, I've just resigned myself to 4109 looking like a demilitarized zone. it's actually really fun so far living with both of them, though. kind of like a really twisted version of three's company. if only don knotts popped in once in a while.

I'm so disappointed about ali not making it back to guilford this fall. at least she's coming for a visit. it's hard enough when the person who encompasses at least 50% of your social life leaves for a short time; even worse when the time gets longer. but I'm being selfish. we've gotta do what we've gotta do.

josh and I went to tripp's tonight for dinner, the first time for each of us. mmm. good. pricey, but good.

I'm a complete dumbass for not doing any shopping this weekend, what with it being tax free and all. I really need some new things.

having devoted the entirety of today to laundry and meaningless quips, I've neglected my grocery shopping. time to go to wal-mart.

oh, and:


"You're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly.
If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take
it!" Okay, so you're not a Homer Simpson
quote, but you are said by Grampa Simpson.
You're a piece of advice said to Homer on his
first day of school. You're just pretty much
out there, and a lousy parent at that. But
you're old and senile anyway. Go back into your
coma.


Which Advice Quote said by Homer Simpson are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

just back from taking james to a luxuriously trendy lunch at ganache to celebrate his graduation this evening. sure hope he gets a job in the boro so he can make it back on a permanent basis!

my new favorite phrase: "wholly unconcerned." I think that many of my issues with people can be chalked up to how wholly unconcerned they are. an old inside joke phrase remembered today: "sturdy peasant stock." I hope that I don't look like I come from sturdy peasant stock, but I very well might.

raise the alarm. I'm out of adderall and my prescrip is a.w.o.l. time to ransack 4109.

I'm putting my budget into effect on monday, which means this weekend I have to blow some frivolous money. I'm passing through durham on saturday, which means a trip to southpoint is in order for that purpose. nordstrom, pottery barn, and banana republic are gonna love me. well, they'll at least like me. I can't blow that much.

on my way back from wv I finally gave the decemberists' castaways and cutouts a thorough listen. my opinion: on the surface they have an excellent, well developed sound ("cocoon" is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard), but lyrically I have to take some issue with them--actually, a lot. it sounds like colin meloy went by barnes & noble, picked up an sat study guide, and said, "hey! let's see how many of these vocab words I can work into a song. hell, how about every song!" come now, mr. meloy. did you really think that mentioning catacombs and petticoats would dupe hipsters into thinking that your songs actually mean anything? well...in light of the stellar reviews given to this record, I guess he did. I genuinely enjoy hearing the decemberists. I'm just a little so-so about listening to them.

I'm in bauman, naturally, and the girl next to me is totally looking up stuff about freemasons. that's some scurry shit.

I really ought to run back by the apartment. when I left carra was lying on the living room floor, and I was in too much of a hurry to ascertain why. hope it's not lumbago. lumbago'll getcha every time.

the mountain air has prompted me to spew forth still more random bushwah:

molly ringwald would have much more appeal if the media referred to her in thick german accents as "fraulein ringwald." actually, it'd be nice if the media referred to her at all.

I've been having many dreams lately involving bathtubs, for no reason that I can fathom. although I think that dream dictionaries are ridiculous and hokey, I had to look this up. apparently it signifies being preoccupied with a member of the opposite sex--or, for me I suppose, the same sex. I don't feel preoccupied. hmm.

as much as I dis bluefield, there's always been some unidentifiable thing about it that makes me happy. yesterday I realized what it is. the sun shines brighter here. I can't explain it. not only is the sun brighter, colors are more vivid. I'm sure it's all in my imagination, but college avenue seems a helluva lot more visually alive than brassfield road.

although speaking of dissing bluefield, can you believe that there exists not a single establishment in a town of 15,000 people where a person can go to fax a document? well, I felt like going to blacksburg for coffee anyway.

turning to page 653 of the stephen king collection four past midnight brings one into the novella "the sun dog." two references are made to john delevan's car, a ford. on 655, the car is referred to as a chevy. I'm getting sick and tired of inconsistencies in literature. don't even get me started on harry potter. much as I love 'em...holes. full of holes. if the prospect of getting an english degree didn't make me want to drink iodine, I'd become an editor.

on a final note, if gilbert godfrey and fran drescher ever had a child, it would have the most beautiful voice in the world. for some reason, it would just work that way.

a late night stop by bauman on my way home. I'm pissy because I only got 45 min of overtime at work tonight versus the 90 min that some people are racking up as I type. dwanna quit though, yay! she was really starting to annoy me. and, all things considered, anyone who bitches about nc having just moved from wv is probably a trifle off the latch.

also, time to comprehensively list the funny things that have come up at work: berea, sepulveda boulevard, medicine balls, nathan lane (a street by that name), guam (repeatedly brought up by michelle), a company that's just called "grainger," the mendenhall school of auctioneering, the big chair and the TWO big dressers (there are two?)...there are more, but they escape me. and of course they're all things that only I and my non-co-worker cohorts can appreciate.

I find myself getting weirder by the day, and poor carra's getting the brunt of it. she's had to listen to my rants about the improper assignment of the word "lodger" and why tapioca is confrontational. we also had a great conversation about possible superhero powers. in addition to bryan's "no reservation man" we came up with the ability to stop ceiling fans, to turn into hitler upon entering a car dealership, to force people to buy you culottes (that's mine) and to identify harvey keitel (that's hers). also, richie zweigenhaft can make people go to the left and emily stewart can--of course--make people believe that they are silly fashion rabbits.

charles called to apologize via voice mail. I must endeavor to ring him up tomorrow and say "well...okay."

josh stopped by today; he was in town to have dinner with kelly. I almost missed him, though, as I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. dammit, I've got to stop staying in bed all day. well, for the first time in my life I can at least justify it.

had a lot of nervous energy last night and drove to sheetz for an mto. why does the closest sheetz have to be in virginia? worse than that, why is their food so dangerously addictive? mmm...buffalo chicken. ate my cup o' fryz driving back to gso and watching the sunrise.

I neglected to mention that carra has taken the baby and gone home to mother. read: she and fanny are at home in alabama until tomorrow, have been there since saturday. it sho has been a quiet week with even the cat gone. although it's given me time to bond with my new pet. he's a fish. a betta. his name's caspian. I like caspian. but honestly, how much can you (legally) bond with a fish?

visiting the 'rents this weekend is a definite. mom has promised dinner at cuz's on saturday. let's hear it for restaurants housed in converted dairy barns!

let's hear it for letting! let's hear it for us! let's hear it for it! let's...jeez, I need help.

another week drawn to a close. nothing fascinating to relate, really. the job is going quite well. next week I start working overtime, but for $15 an hour I won't complain too much.

I may be going home next weekend, depending on whether or not the following monday will be a good time to go to the dmv about my tags. woo. exciting.

oh, but this is exciting...got a nice little package in the mail on wednesday. yup, bartleby has arrived! I've watched it several times already, naturally, and it keeps getting better. although watching it before work is probably a bad idea...

charles has decided that he hates me, for no immediate reason other than I let our engagement slip on sunday. he harbors so much resentment for me; it's really unfair. I understand that ending our relationship hurt him, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I feel that I can say these things honestly about myself: I'm a good and loyal friend, a generous person, and emotionally supportive to those close to me. I don't think that any of my friends or family would deny that. charles is so wrapped up in my not wanting to be around him every second that he's become blinded to any good qualities that I--and our friendship--have. but if he's going to be that immature and petty about things, I guess we're better off keeping to ourselves. although I am disappointed that I'm no longer appointed the best man at snow white and the raptor's wedding. sigh.

I want to take advantage of my night off by being social. time to get on the phone and pester people to that effect.

zzz...zzz...spent four hours cleaning up the grossness that 4109 had become, made a teeter run, now I'm on my way home to get some shuteye. carra and emily are out--emily came for a visit, but is having bad cramps that sound like appendicitis, so it was off to wesley long with them. sure hope she's ok.

had coffee with the heathers at tate street today. found out that heather #1 makes $13.50/hr at wrangler. that's quite good, but as she doesn't have a roommate to share expenses with I imagine we're on similar economic footing. made me feel good about my job.

all the real girls was even better a second time, if that's possible. and I love the neighborhood in w-s that the stevens center's in; hundreds of people mill around a couple of charming square blocks downtown at night, going to clubs and sidewalk cafes. I thought we'd warped time and space and wound up in europe somehow. next month audrey tatou's latest film is playing there. although it got mixed reviews, I'm totally gonna go.

I was supposed to go hiking with charles today and overslept. then we were supposed to watch a video and I got preoccupied. he probably hates me, but I really do appreciate him as a friend. it's just tough to give everyone the time I know they deserve when I work all week, get tired out, and sleep all weekend. hopefully I'll start to manage my time more effectively soon. it's like I told carra the other night: routines can suck, but at least when you have set times to do the shit you don't wanna do you know when you'll be able to do the shit you do wanna do. that doesn't make much sense when I look at it, but it worked for carra when I said it.

I came into this computer lab instead of the other to avoid talking to fernando, dammit, then he comes in here and gets all up in my kool-aid. whafuck?

anyway, I've got sushi to eat before slumbering.

ah, weekends at last have some meaning. it's mighty peculiar not to be heading off to work, although I'm shortly heading off to winston to make a last ditch effort to see all the real girls at the stevens center with james. viva el triad.

although, speaking of work--and I'm sure this will pass in time--I'm enjoying my job a lot more than I feel is appropriate. I tell myself, "dammit, you're a freakin billing entry clerk," but honestly, I can't help liking my work! everyone I work with is so nice, and for some reason the billing itself is kind of addictive. scott is auditing our work; I got my audit last night. he says I'm doing a great job, and I'm getting my stuff done faster than any other trainee save one--and she's been doing billing for nine years. so all's well at h.q.

know what's really good? the frozen california pizza kitchen pizzas. I had a bbq chicken one tonight. mmm. good stuff.

eric mentioned a possible party soon (actually, given his boston accent, it will be a paaaty), to which I am invited. mmm. good stuff.

I think that I should use the lawn in front of 4109 to set up a maypole. then I'd like to have all my friends dress in white linen and come dance around it while fiddlers play on the lanai. I'm feeling very feudal lately.

also, is there some kind of mental illness that compels one to listen to the spin doctors? because I think I've caught it, and it's not pretty.

just a brief jaunt online before heading off to h.q. work is good. there's a lot to learn--I actually had dreams about p.o. numbers and consignees last night--but once I get the hang of it I think I'll quite like it. I even get a cubicle; it's very office space-core. scott, my supervisor, is a real nice fella but seems to fancy himself a stand-up comic. not a very good one, alas. one guy I'm training with, eric, is a pleasure to gaze upon. gay?...maybe. probably not, but could be. a few blips.

carra actually talked me into watching an episode of buffy with her last night. what will I sink to next.

josh is coming tomorrow for dinner...I think?

gotta run to get coffee and victuals so I can stay peppy and cute this evening.

yawn. I be all tired and shit. picked gabe up at the airport around two. we hung out at both 4109 and tate street before picking up james and heading over to super buffet. took them by h.q. (old dominion freight lines' international headquarters, that is) on the way back. we went to see man on the train at the carousel. s'ok; it didn't blow me away, but there was some great cinematography and it held my attention well. gabe is now snoozing on the sofa, resting up for his 1 p.m. departure on the morrow. it's been a nice little visit.

carra is on some serious pain medication. I literally haven't seen her all day. once in a while I hear a little bustling from her room, though, so she's at least alive.

first day of work is tomorrow. well, first day of training anyway. adios, bumdom! I'm sure I'll be pining for it within a few days.

random plunge into introspection--ever look at your life, feel that everything's pretty satisfactory, pretty much in place, then think: "something's missing?"

me too. wonder what?

I hope that indep day treated everyone kindly. carra and I had ourselves a nice lil beach blast at wrightsville. leaving at the ass-crack of dawn paid off; we got the last empty space in my preferred parking lot and spend the rest of the day answering "nope, sorry" to the many "are you leaving"s we got from anxious sunbirds. the rays did a number on carra, though, as she's laid up with yet another nasty burn.

lemme tell y'all, though: I've never seen so many half-unclad beautiful people in one place. I drove carra nuts by oohing and aahing over all the eye candy. poor us; we're trying so hard to understand each other's taste in the opposite...I mean preferred...okay, taste in men. not to sound shallow, but when my brain/hormones are scoping out a sexual partner, personality, intelligence, etcetera don't enter into it. if I wanted to discuss tolstoy, I'd be hanging around the library. after all, sex basically just amounts to people giving each other physical pleasure. it shouldn't be equated with friendship or intellectual compatibility, least of all love. separation of sex and emotion may seem callous, but they are only intertwined due to societal constructs. if that makes me a neanderthal, give me a friggin cave (and ixnay on the west virginia/cave house jokes).

james talked me into renting my favorite year tonight. great, great flick, kind of soapdish meets the dick van dyke show. and with more of a feel-good factor than anything I've seen since amelie.

I've had it up to here (envision hand held above head) with caterpillars. absolute swarms of them have taken to loitering outside my front door. I kid you not; we're talking hundreds. I finally sprayed the bastards tonight. if they keep showing up, I'm marching into the leasing office and throwing around the word "exterminator" until someone gets me one. no longer will walking up to my door cause nauseating crunching sounds.

if I'm ever even remotely famous, I'm going to be arrested for cavorting naked in a fountain in some major city, preferably nyc or rome. hell, I might do it even if I'm not famous. it's just such a devil-may-care, classic way of getting thrown in jail.

my beloved cedric is a fine auto indeed, but I'm ever so dismayed by his gas mileage. well, that's the price you pay for being able to blow the doors off mustangs at traffic lights. er, not that I've tried.

as late as it is, I've got housecleaning to do. gabe is coming into town tomorrow, probably around two, and damn do I have my work cut out for me. by the way, if anyone from the board of health asks for my address, tell them you've never heard of me. at least for the next day or so.

time for venting. the bravo television network has decided to participate in america's continuing and unwitting (?) endorsement of minority stereotypes by green-lighting a tv series entitled queer eye for the straight guy. in said series, five infinitely stylish urban queers make over the wardrobe and pad of a straight everyday joe.

I shouldn't even have to say why this is an affront to me. but I will. why does this show have a shot at success? because it plays into the belief of mainstream, heterocentric america that homosexual men are concerned solely with appearances, superficialities, and trends. furthermore, it feeds the representation of gays as city-dwelling white males (and all five members of the "team" are white). while it is certainly comforting to know that the viewing public has been deemed comfortable with the inclusion of alternative lifestyles in the media, shows like this and--yes, even the all sainted will and grace--are more of an irritation to me than a comfort. they show no diversity, no variation within a minority that is intrinsically all inclusive.

my primary concern: the role models that the media are giving to young homosexuals today. you see, it's fine to be gay, but only so long as we function as chic european-american paragons of fashion and good taste. we gel our hair, we shop, and we club. there are certainly thousands upon thousands of closeted teens in this country on the verge of coming out. and for all too many, this is what they come out to. by limiting portrayals of gays to vacuous, sophisticated fops, we are creating them.

last semester I attended a panel discussion on gays in appalachia. I spoke about myself a little, and how I've actually benefited from a rural upbringing. there is no club scene in dubya-vee-ay. the nearest banana republic is two hours away, and prada is simply a word in a foreign language. granted, backwoods towns mean backward thinking, and being gay in them ain't easy. but in absence of that superficial urban scene, I was forced to form my own identity. it's made it a little difficult for me to interact with most gay men, but I have no problems interacting with people in general. which is the problem that we're forcing upon homosexuals: we give them a niche to gravitate into, a comfort zone that isolates them in many ways from society. like pretty, gucci-clad birds, doing their tricks on the tube to entertain the masses and train each other to do the same. not a pretty sight.

sorry to be a bit militant. but dammit, sometimes I like getting riled.

oh, and a happy fourth to all!

updates.

I got the job. that's a beautiful thing. I start training on monday. not a lot more to say about that, but needless to say I'm quite pleased.

the car I mentioned was sold before I could get my hands on it, but I found and purchased another car identical to the one I previously described--only dark gray with black leather. his name is cedric (first car I've ever had that's obviously been a guy). he's very sexy.

I also had a great time with my parents on sunday. take note: I always hate to give chain restaurants ringing endorsements, but that night I had the best italian food I've ever eaten, no contest. if there's one near you (josh, this one is in pineville by carolina place mall--if you ever want to go I'll drive the 2 hours from here to eat with you) set off at breakneck speed for buca di beppo.

I try to make it a point never to speak ill of the dead, but within the past two days we've lost both katherine hepburn and strom thurmond. you get one guess as to whom I'm more broken up about.

sorry for not having updated in a few days, but every time I've tried of late blogger has been updating their system. or something. anyway.

the interview last night went really well, BUT--we were all told that about 15 candidates would be competing for 8-10 positions. instead, over 30 of us are fighting for 6. so the outlook is somewhat grim. but man, what a sweet job it is. any workplace that lets you come in wearing whatever you like and actually encourages listening to your discman while you work is excellent.

I'm growing very weary of the anne geddes babies. I want to develop my own series of baby photos that simulate wee ones shooting up heroin, wielding sharp objects, flipping off the photographer, etcetera. not because I encourage deviant behavior in chilluns, but because I feel that the market for such imagery is vast. enough other people are anti-geddes, I think. I hope.

I've picked out a car to buy, a 2000 nissan maxima. silver with gray leather, 29k miles. the 'rents hit town on sunday with veronica to try and negotiate a trade. sniff, sniff. but I suppose part of me is a little psyched at the thought of getting new wheels, however much I adore the old.

tiffany called the other evening; sho was swell hearing from her. she's all about hitting frisco together and splitting an apartment, a winner of an idea. no, not an idea...an idear. we'll just see what the future holds.

josh stayed over last evening on his way to d.c. we watched man of the century, a very interesting film. if you've got a weakness for 1920s culture, I recommend it.

no coffee all day and I'm about to swoon. better hit tate street asap.

what an incredibly neutralized day. only two things of note have happened:

good news received--I go in on thursday for the follow-up interview that I mentioned, which is wonderful. jobs are great. money is great.

bad news received--I have to trade in my car. so much money is being poured into the repairs, and the mechanic says that it's only a matter of time before one electrical snafu after another starts happening. keep this in mind, potential vw buyers. granted, most people would be overjoyed at getting a new(er) car, but I feel as if a doctor has told me, "your daughter is just too sickly. best swap her for another." but best to be practical, suck it up, and choose a reliable-if-boring japanese something-or-other this time.

I really do need to stop eating sour gummi candy all the time. that has nothing to do with anything, just a note.

I have no idea what happened to the past few days. such a blur. I understand why yesterday was...I'm a big fat bum and went to the friggin beach again. stayed up all night sos I could get there early, ended up getting there later than planned to find that there were no parking spaces. anywhere. ended up parking across the bay and walking a hell of a lot. by the time I got back to gso last night I was delirious with fatigue. I actually got lost in town trying to get home; I shouldn't have even been driving. but I learned the hard way about the parking. be forewarned: anyone's welcome to come with me when I go to the seaside, but I'm leaving by 6:00 a.m. at the very latest. period, no exceptions.

still haven't gotten to see all the real girls again. but it's still playing, so this week.

did see network tonight, finally. great flick. verrrrry disturbing.

carra has finally returned, devoid of much sunburn and full of piss and vinegar as before (non-southerners: that means she's mischievous, it's not a bad thing). good to know that she wasn't permanantly touched in the head by bonnaroo badness.

oh, my aforementioned interview went quite well. I'm hoping that I'll be contacted for the follow-up interview within a couple of days. see, they need 15 or so people to do this job, and so far only 5 candidates have passed muster. so I feel fairly confident. I'd really love to get this job as it pays $10/hr, which is more than others I've tried for. though it's sad, that kind of money seems like a fortune to me now! also some other interesting job prospects on tap. my outlook is somewhat brighter, although my bank balance is perpetually somewhat lower.

have I bought the new harry potter book yet? naturally. no midnight sale for me though; wal-mart had plenty of copies left when I went early on saturday, although I've heard that many places sold out, so I guess I was lucky. not sure how I feel about it yet--I'm about 200 pages in, and it just seems that harry's gotten very...crotchety. but that's a teenager for ya.

so off to do some reading. don't take any wooden galleons.

news from the bonaroo crew: carra's back home in al until saturday. she had to go to the hospital after getting first and second degree sunburns and passing out. not good. also, ashley left her keys and wallet in carra's car (she came back with emily et al), and is mildly hysterical at being stuck in nc. she's coming to the apartment tonight and carra's supposed to ship her purse here overnight. yikes.

wonders never cease--I have an interview tomorrow. keeping the old fingers crossed once again.

so all the real girls is now playing at the carousel. I'm totally going tonight to see it again.

I'm losing weight at an unhealthy rate; I just haven't been eating enough. think I'll go out for dinner for a change.

for once "whooooaaa, back's on fire" is my theme song. I realized that I'd probably just end up sitting around the house yesterday, so I decided to sit around at the beach instead. I spent a full day soaking up sun and playing in the ocean at wrightsville. although I applied spf 30 liberally and took proper breaks in the shade, I lay on my stomach for a bit too long. so the entire back half of my person is a wee bit red. but it was a great idea to go; I think I'll start going once a month or so when weather permits. also, when I went into downtown wilmington for some kickass crab cakes and sweet tea, I discovered nun street. that street automatically rules.

I was so proud of myself for becoming a neat freak upon moving into 4109. y'all should see the place now. if you could even get in the door, that is. no excuse not to clean up--gotta do that later.

oh, I just realized that mom's prophecy about being employed by yesterday was completely wrong. but since I'm checking back with a job on monday I won't get too cynical.

today's randomness: I decided yesterday that sunflowers are vulgar. I dunno. they just are.

that last entry was pretty crack filled. sorry bout that.

last night was a good one. tracy and I had a nice talk; I didn't know we had so much in common, it's pretty crazy. she left for alabama just after ashley came to stay over. there was drinking of tequila and watching of telly. oh, and I answered the phone when alan (tracy's aforementioned ex-b/f, but they're still friends) called the apartment for a chat, which he often does when he's sloppy drunk. I'd never personally spoken to the guy in my life, but he went on about how wonderful I was and how he wanted to visit and hang out. although claiming complete hetero status, he'd be "willing to make certain exceptions." it was hilarious and oddly touching. but then I've always been a sucker for affectionate drunk guys...sigh. let's not get into all that!

know what I like? ground fog on moonlit meadows. it's so sensual. if I ever do make films, I'm working it in.

know what I hate? people who criticize other people for being spoiled by their parents. I swear, I'm about sick of it. few spoiled kids ask to be pampered. granted many of us grow up ignorant of certain productive values, but it's unfair to chastise us for it. I've gotten the "spoiled brat" rap all my life, and I don't deserve it--simply because I never ask for more than I need. I often get it, but I can't stop my parents from being generous, although I have tried time and again. wanna call me spoiled? I'll be glad to give you my 'rents phone number and you can tell them that you disapprove of the way they take care of me. to all my fellow brats out there--just be as self-sufficient as you can. show the fuckers up. to all those who've ever dissed decent folk for being spoiled, get your freakin noses out of the air and tend your own gardens. our credit cards, our nice cars, and our nice toys don't hurt you a damn bit. get over it.

anyway. my plan for the weekend is to get tan. will keep everyone posted.

oh, and a couple new links on the left. because everyone should waste time online the way I do.

warning: useless rant ahead

I don't know why, but I have never been able to tolerate beach music. I heard a radio ad for a beach music festival in va today and it gave me a headache. I'd rather be seen in public with gilbert godfrey than attend such a travesty. and I always have a hard time explaining to people who aren't from the southeast what beach music is. it's not even an allmusic.com genre. contrary to popular belief, the drifters aren't beach music--not enough horns, and the rhythm isn't exactly right. spiral staircase is closer but not quite...and who knows who they are anymore? I just tell people, "think lots of trumpets, involuntarily snapping fingers, and torture." why I think shag is such a great movie I'll never know.

warning: toffee-nosed treatise on 20th century culture ahead

seeing singin in the rain last night was marvelous. a reminder of how much I love 1920s culture. by far my favorite decade.

the 50s were mass induced complacency in the wake of war. bring on ike and the automatic dishwashers and rock around the clock til we fall asleep in our twin beds and what could really go wrong in the suburbs? pass the instant mashed potatoes. please.

God love 'em, but the 60s were a somewhat simpleminded reaction to the blase 50s. america is boring, let's fix it! let's protest things, anything! let's make a difference! let's rebel! but let's smoke up first, maybe drop some acid. woo...yeah...avoiding reality is fun. hey...weren't we going to do something? never mind. does anyone have a guitar?

the 70s. uh huh. the decade that made pointing your finger in the air a valid dance move. at least in the 20s people wiggled them. and who wants to wait in long lines to gas up an amc gremlin when they can fill the stutz bearcat with ethyl at leisure?

and enough has been said about the 80s. money, hair, "new coke" and the powdery kind. and what were the 90s, anyway? the decorate-with-candles decade? the ace of base decade? pass the latte bong, fellow downsized gen-Xer. it's time for friends.

the 20s weren't perfect. they lacked foresight and they ended badly. but they were all about living for the day and living for yourself, and they made no bones about it. and the fact that people could still have a good time in spite of all the nastiness--prohibition, the red scare, teapot dome--might show a lack of social concern, but I also see it as strong evidence for the decade's individualism. the 20s gave us fitzgerald, sinclair lewis, t.s. eliot. count basie, cab calloway, the carter family. the lindy, the ghandi, and the talkie.

can you get running boards for a vw passat? 23 skidoo!

just killing a few minutes before josh gets here and we go to barbecue/singin in the rain. job hunt today was kinda 50/50. but again, in fear of jinxing anything, I'll withhold details until more is heard.

tracy (carra's sister) is passing through again tonight; apparently a falling out with her bf is forcing her back to al. -abama, that is. but she's great to have around.

fanny used the litterbox! here's hoping it sets a precedent.

laura's 19th birthday; gotta give her a call. she has a job. but she's a telemarketer. not that there's anything wrong with that, but if she was CEO of fingerhut or something I'd be resentful. wait a minute...

I am, however, jealous of carra for going to bonnaroo this weekend. lucky bitch.

I dunno what is with today, but traffic's horrible. I'd better shag ass, as it could well take several hours to get back to brassfield.

and in case y'all haven't heard...

bernadette peters did NOT win the tony for best actress in a musical!

what kind of world do we live in?

I have yet to post about the newest resident of 4109. she's an adorable kitten that carra has christened fanny (for the song "the weight"). problem: we cannot housebreak the damn thing. she prefers carpet, tile, anything to her litterbox. any advice would be welcome, or else fanny will soon be out on her...well, herself.

speaking of cats, I saw a children's book the other day with the greatest title/cat name ever: varjak paw. if you know why that name is so brilliant, then you rule. if not, ask me sometime.

am getting very tired of spherion's excuses. applied for four more jobs, and am going out on another citywide hunt tomorrow.

my time at home was nice. lots of eatin and sleepin. I don't do quite as much of either here, so maybe gso is the best environment for me, all things considered.

got the first 'leccy bill for the apartment. only $36, which is great news for both carra and myself.

I should really eat, or something. haven't done that yet. yeah food.

thought of the day: the anna nicole show is the best thing to hit tv since color.

quote of the day: "mark my words--by the end of the week, you'll have a job." - mom
will keep that in mind.

day of the day: prince's birthday. let's go crazy.

back to gso tomorrow. la de dah.

mom's coming down the walk with a bag of bellacino's grinders. that's definitely a reason to sign off!

a fun little online quiz:

answer the following questions with song titles from your favorite band
(mine are belle & sebastian, naturally)

are you male or female?
a space boy dream

describe yourself
freak

how do some people feel about you?
expectations

how do you feel about yourself?
it could have been a brilliant career

describe your boyfriend/girlfriend/interest
I don’t love anyone

where would you rather be?
ease your feet in the sea

what do you want to be?
my wandering days are over

describe how you live
sleep the clock around

describe how you love
the boy done wrong again

share some words of wisdom
fuck this shit

back in blueworld. really needed to escape life in 4109. still no job news, not even any word from freakin blockbuster video. am I that unemployable? also, as cute as the kitten is that carra brought home, I'm tired of cleaning up its messes, especially since she seems to always crap on the carpet when I'm making food. maybe it'll have started using the litterbox by the time I return.

speaking of returning, I'm so worried about getting work. I've done some major priority reevaluation lately. I initially thought it'd be worth it to work a crappy job and pay my own bills if I could be in GSO with my friends. nope. don't think so. besides, I can't even seem to get a crappy job, much less a nice one.

as much as I'd hate to do it (and as precarious a position that it would put josh in), if I can't find something halfway decent by the end of the summer, I may just have to come back and live here. for my bank account and my sanity. I'm really trying to find a job, though, because that's the last thing I want to happen. I'm not asking for an executive position, just something that doesn't involve asking about super sizing. but I think I probably will find something...won't I?

furthermore, I've become so much more aware of the necessity of job security that I'm strongly considering applying to doctorate programs in clinical psychology again. not that an advanced degree in psych would guarantee work, but it would be a more sure thing that film. sigh. we'll see.

back to "e true hollywood story: rosie." gotta love this life.

back in blueworld. really needed to escape life in 4109. still no job news, not even any word from freakin blockbuster video. am I that unemployable? also, as cute as the kitten is that carra brought home, I'm tired of cleaning up its messes, especially since she seems to always crap on the carpet when I'm making food. maybe it'll have started using the litterbox by the time I return.

speaking of returning, I'm so worried about getting work. I've done some major priority reevaluation lately. I initially thought it'd be worth it to work a crappy job and pay my own bills if I could be in GSO with my friends. nope. don't think so. besides, I can't even seem to get a crappy job, much less a nice one.

as much as I'd hate to do it (and as precarious a position that it would put josh in), if I can't find something halfway decent by the end of the summer, I may just have to come back and live here. for my bank account and my sanity. I'm really trying to find a job, though, because that's the last thing I want to happen. I'm not asking for an executive position, just something that doesn't involve asking about super sizing. but I think I probably will find something...won't I?

furthermore, I've become so much more aware of the necessity of job security that I'm strongly considering applying to doctorate programs in clinical psychology again. not that an advanced degree in psych would guarantee work, but it would be a more sure thing that film. sigh. we'll see.

back to "e true hollywood story: rosie." gotta love this life.

back in greensbohemia after four delightful--albeit tiring--days. best to summarize those days as follows:

Lists--The Chicago Trip

A. Ten Things I Learned on the Chicago Trip
1) Long road trips (17 hours up, almost 20 back) are a blast, at least if you're in a comfy car with cool people.
2) Indiana is large and boring and very confusing when you're trying to establish what time zone you're in.
3) Toyota Camrys get ridiculously good gas mileage.
4) The ending theme song from Wild Things is by Morphine.
5) Berea, KY is even more wonderful than I'd thought possible.
6) Brynn rules. I mean, I already liked her, but now I'm aware that she rules.
7) Yoga mat notwithstanding, sleeping on sorority house floors is a rough way to go (not that I didn't appreciate it).
8) I shouldn't try to get around interstate tollbooths by driving directly through major metropolitan areas. It's not clever; it's just being a cheap bastard.
9) Playing air flute is much funnier than air guitar.
10) I should look at grad school options in Chicago.

B. Five Things That Make Chicago Superior to NYC
1) Kickass pizza
2) Less image conscious
3) Gorgeous Lake Michigan
4) MUCH cheaper
5) Downtown area is cleaner and prettier to look at

C. Five Things That Make Chicago Inferior to NYC
1) Sloooow public transport
2) Freakin cold
3) Somewhat less nightlife
4) Street system makes less sense
5) Um...I can't think of five (see List A, Item 10).

D. Ten Funny Things Between GSO and Chicago
1) Stinking Creek Road
2) Gourmet popcorn farm
3) Man o' War Boulevard
4) Slush Puppie warehouse
5) the Knoxville Sunsphere
6) fallen rock painted and dressed up beside road
7) KFC museum
8) water tower that says "Florence Y'all!"
9) water tower that says "[forgotten name of town] (for pete's sake!)"
10) Berea in general

E. Ten Things I Did in Berea
1) Got coffee (twice, once with scone)
2) Stayed at Days Inn
3) Drove
4) Used toilet (various times)
5) Smoked cigarette
6) Was a streetcorner tough
7) Bought a hoodie
8) Showered
9) Hung around college campus
10) Took motel pamphlet just because it said "Berea" on it

the picnic was nice. it ended up just being me, james, carra, and charles with some kfc in the park, but it was good. the weather's still nippy, but pretty enough. ended up coming back to 4109 for tequila and movies. watched harold and maude for the first time in a while last night. I had forgotten how powerful it is; it's the kind of movie that changed lives upon its release and still does.

I have absolutely got to find a steady job. being kept in suspense by spherion is not helping my sanity or my wallet.

segway into: lately I've felt like my life has become a complete vacuum. seen groundhog day? than you have some idea of how I'm existing. I've gone through periods like this before, where absolutely nothing happens. but as living off-campus is less conducive to random events, could this vacuum last indefinitely? although I'm happy with my social life, it's still markedly limited compared to what I'm used to. I guess it just takes some time to adjust; not working has made me feel isolated as well.

up until now, I think part of me has believed that my new situation was only temporary, that I'd go back to the same-old same-old at guilford before too long. the novelty has worn off; the apartment has become more of a fact than a toy, and I've become steadily more aware of how much is going on in the world around me. emphasis on "around."

not that I'm unhappy, exactly. I couldn't be more pleased with my roommate, my home, and my friends. I'm just...numb, and upset with myself for not being more productive. that will change.

anyway, time to nudge my chin a little higher and keep on doin what I'm doin.

no beach yesterday; tia had to work really late so we've put it off til another time. fine by me. I was able to conserve some money, at least, which I've been trying to do. although I blew $10 today on the hipster handbook at barnes and noble. it's hilarious but also scary, really--I have hipster characteristics that I didn't even know were hipster characteristics. if you like a good chuckle at the expense of indie kids, give it a look-see. it's deck.

hope the rain has stopped for good. have planned a memorial day picnic for tomorrow for eight or so people to be held at battleground park. well, if it's nasty we can have it indoors.

heather has yet to be in touch, but I'll give her a day or two before I harass her. I sure would like to hear, though, whether I have a shot at the wrangler job. just to cover all my bases, I'm picking up an application tomorrow at--gulp--blockbuster. of course on tuesday I can call the wonderful folk at spherion to hear how dismal my situation is there. I'm starting to believe that temp work ain't for supporting yourself; it's for bored hausfraus who are sick of the junior league. hooray for bachelor's degrees.

now that I've checked, the skies are supposed to clear up tomorrow. maybe some sunshine will brighten my outlook a little. it could use a bit.

oh! and! very, very good news:

the dvd release date for bartleby has finally been announced for july 8.
by the same token, the special edition dvd of duel is AT LAST coming out on august 12.

have I pre-ordered both yet?

what do you think?

well, I've been up for two whole hours now. I thought it might take until at least july for carra and I to start feeding each other's craziness, but no. we stay up until dawn every night just bullshitting, but last night it degenerated into both of us lying down and smacking ourselves in the head with our feet making "meeeeeeehhhhhhhhh" sorts of noises. not that I'd have it any other way.

had a nice night out with heather last night. we saw a mighty wind--granted it's not as good as the other christopher guest flicks, but it's definitely and absolutely worth seeing. then to coffee, then to ny pizza for $2 guinness with heather #2 and a crew of their friends. get this: so there are openings for interns doing various computer things at wrangler. the pay's $10/hr, it's full time, and I have experience with the right software. heather's going to tweak my resume so the suits there will like it. granted it's probably just a summer opportunity, but it would be reliable work until the fall. I won't hold my breath, but we'll see what happens.

which brings me to spherion. nothing yet. memorial day weekend and all, they weren't expecting anything and I shouldn't have been. but it's frustrating. I'm still only one very small step removed from unemployed. hence the wedging feet into other doors.

the forecast for wilmington metro is clear skies for tomorrow, so atlantic ocean here I come, provided natia is still free. as much as I value time to myself, I don't want to expend resources just to hang out at the beach by myself all day.

speaking of the beach, I think I'll go eat dinner.

sorry about the unprecedented few days of not posting; I'm sure everyone's been heartbroken. so I got the spherion job, whee! my computer testing was enough to counterbalance my lack of experience, thankfully (who knew that I could type 83 wpm with no mistakes?!). I call tomorrow to get my first work assignment. although I hope this one's fairly short-term--I still want to go to chicago w/josh, and will certainly do so provided that I'm not workin. I'm not thrilled to be working as a temp, really, so I'm keeping my eyes peeled for other opportunities. but as long as I get the rent paid, and it ain't food service.

sidenote: I went for some coffee after leaving spherion's offices. can I just say how many weird looks you get wearing a tie on tate street? especially when you pull up in a big honkin suv?

addendum to sidenote: I miss my car, but it should be ready shortly.

carra is also employed as of yesterday! she begins work tomorrow, at fye. speaking of josh...

last night was good. emily, tom, and charles all stayed over. there was much drinking of rum to celebrate the end of involuntary gabin' in 4109. charles conked out early, so I was a gracious host and let him have my bed while I couched it. before bed, though, carra and I sat on the lanai (patio to you non-golden girls fans) and talked until almost 6:00 a.m. about a little of everything. loved it.

natia and I are headed for the coast on saturday, provided the weather's fine. haven't been to an nc beach since I was a toddler. should be a hip-hoppin good time.

time to go shopping for a computer desk. I'm so sick of sitting on the floor to print out resumes.

I was contacted today about interviewing for a position at spherion. spherion is a staffing firm, so I'm not certain exactly where I'd be working. nor am I exactly certain what the position in question entails. I know only that I have the basic skills required for a full-time job which pays in the low 20s per year. come tuesday at 2 pm, we'll find out.

had dinner at backstreets with nicole, then tagged along while she bra shopped at vickie s. she's quite stoked about med school, which I understand. ah, to have such direction!

the poltergeist in my parents' house has been particularly active since I've been here. I'm puttering around my room when a round rug--which had been wedged firmly behind a bookcase--rolls out on its edge and circles into the middle of the floor. yesterday a stack of videotapes randomly fell.

for those of you not familiar with the house's history, the original owner was murdered and his daughter later died here (in my room). we're always finding things around the house that no one owns or has put there, like Christmas lights and pairs of jeans. the antique clock upstairs randomly chimes, although no one winds it. there's one bedroom in the house that several people have refused point blank to enter, for no reason that they could name. a ball of blue fire once shot across the bedroom adjacent to that one. footsteps have been heard walking down from upstairs, although no one is there. and once I was awakened by a pounding outside on my wall, although my bedroom is one story up.

I love this house.

anyway, time for my reruns. if only the stupid dog would shut up barking; he only does it to hear himself. I need to look up the location of the nearest sausage factory and brandish the address at him.

I was looking at some recent (as in past few days) pictures of me tonight, and there's just no delicate way to put it. I cannot believe how fat I've gotten. stepping on the scales confirmed it; I weigh the most I ever have. I know not a lot of people think I'm overweight, but you'd be surprised how much you can hide under the right clothes. I'm not judging myself in terms of society, or in relation to any of my friends or family, but by my own standards. no more of this rampant snackage. diet time, hardcore.

and will some employer please contact me, if only to say "drop dead?" thanks a heap.

ah, the joys of "nature's air conditioned city!" I'm having a swell time watching reruns and scarfing crap. tonight I've managed to put away reese's bites, two hot dogs, some beef jerky, two popsicles, fruit by the foot, and quite a lot of gummi bears. all washed down with dr. pepper. my periodic intense cravings for dr. pepper are, like my attraction to david faustino, something that I will never completely understand. now I just have to decide if I want to start in on the hostess donuts and risk being violently ill.

Q: why is tv land the best network ever?
A: macguyver reruns. I really have to get cable at my apartment.

funniness at wal-mart tonite: there was a very trailer trash chic couple in front of me in line. in addition to their groceries, there was a leopard print negligee for her (I suppose) and a pair of iridescent blue boxers for him. I had to choke back an urge to walk up, nudge them, and mutter, "send me the reprints, ay? ay?" upon going to my car I spotted them sucking face in their s-10 pickup.

I can only hope that their case of dog food won't be a factor in their exploits.

got an e-mail from letter arts book club today. the position I applied for has been filled. sigh. well, it wasn't one I wanted much anyway. still. I keep having to tell myself, "you're not a bum. bums don't actively look for jobs." I figure I have enough socked away to sit on my ass all summer and wait for the perfect job to come along, but I just can't do that. come june, mickey d's, here I come.

think I might pour another pepper and take a bath.

STILL haven't gone back to bluefield, but I honestly do plan to tonight. I've just had so much to do, straightening and organizing. and be proud: I've applied for so many jobs that I can't remember what they all are. I'm absolutely perfect for the content editor position at thedepot.com; I meet all of their requirements and their "pluses." let's just hope they see it.

ran into heather and her friend heather at tate street yesterday; they talked me into dinner and drinks at the exchange. I didn't know "other heather" very well, and it's often difficult for me to talk with new people. but when she started tossing back martinis and parliaments and brought up saddle creek records, I knew it would be just fine. hope I see more of both of them.

that encounter was also great in that it helped allay my fears of post-GuilCo loneliness. I've been so scared about the campus-GSO social transition. but so far no prob. of course, having such a wonderful apartment-mate helps.

there were sketchy workmen installing the new linoleum in my bathroom when I left. hope they finish by the time I get back.

finally I'm pretty much shut of campus. lots more moving today, more than I'd thought. the car's still full, but I'll have a lot more energy to empty it tomorrow.

the drive to raleigh with beth was great, though. her visit was so much fun, like nothing had changed since she left two years ago. and dammit, she'd better come back for some more chillin ASAP!

speaking of driving...I put one big motherfucking dent in the car today. driving around to the front of the campus apartment I absentmindedly sideswiped the light pole. the entire passenger side door is dented in and scraped. I'm going to ask mom if I could trade her the passat for the 4runner for a while and she and dad could take care of the car's cosmetic and mechanical needs in the meantime. otherwise I'll just put it off. veronica, I'm so sorry. you deserve better than me.

I hear tell that there are full time positions open at both the rhino times and the jamestown news. but I heard that rhino has strong republican affiliations, which I wasn't aware of. can anyone confirm or disconfirm that? because honestly, I'd rather work at mickey d's than for republicans.

carra and I had a superb dinner tonight at sushi rock. best raw fish I've ever eaten. a little on the expensive side, but I will absolutely go there again.

started reading a confederacy of dunces today. totally hilarious. all the characters are chronically irritable and complaining, kind of like myself and my pals. and someone's accused of being a communist on almost every page.

also stopped at cd alley today for a quick browse; on impulse bought a used copy of the starlight mints' dream that stuff was made of. my indie snob review: what pavement would sound like if they were an elephant 6 band. my non-snob review: the best album I've bought in a very long time. go get it.

I'm actually getting around to driving back to wv tomorrow, so I'm gonna head home for some sleepage. the earlier start I get, the quicker I can get to the dq for a chili dog.

well, that's it. I'm an alum (and I don't mean the funky powdered stuff that makes your mouth pucker up). graduation was bearable enough; hot as hell, but tolerable. many nice checks/cash sums from relatives, and lots of good visiting time. I guess it was because I was just so tired, but it was rather anticlimactic. tomorrow, after a "good" night's rest, we'll see how I feel.

for now, I've just come back from a decent hildebrandt party. I was in a bizarre mood, all tipsy and yelling funny things. I enjoyed it; for my last real guilford party, not bad. I did see the everlasting aforementioned crush though--the one I discussed my feelings with--hanging onto the titsy chick again. how do I feel about him? I certainly like him. a lot. I certainly find him attractive. scintillatingly so. but...love? it's fair, I think, to claim love when you've known someone for four years. but in my experience, I'm not sure that I can pin down just what love is. at any rate, I'm glad to have a week at home. I need to put it behind me. out of sight, out of mind. we can only hope.

beth, ali and I left the hildy party and chilled out by the lake. I drifted in and out of consciousness, watching the stars and the light on the water. it was beautifully quiet and introspective, just what I needed tonight. and you know what? this is a difficult thing to express in words...but I feel ready for whatever happens next. just like that. watching the sky I started to feel stronger, to feel less afraid of the future. I know it's cheesy, but I feel ready to give a new life the old college try...well, the old post-graduate try. wish me luck; hope it's not just the sloe gin talking.

gotta get up at 10; giving beautiful beth a ride to the raleigh airport. time for some schluffy.

God, let me stay positive.