you know, I realized today that it's been at least a week since I've genuinely given any thought to anything. I just haven't had any interest in getting work done, rounding up a job, or cleaning my disgusting room. the days pass by so quickly and never seem to amount to much. that's why I have my work cut out for me tonight--I have to start thinking so I can knock out a presentation and a paper for tomorrow. after tomorrow night I'll actually be able to get back on track, I hope.

speaking of my nasty room, it's amusing to me that I have three cups of iced coffee of varying age sitting fairly close together. it's like playing russian roulette. one will taste good, one will taste terrible, and one may bring about instant death. decisions, decisions...

my computer, fabulous though it is, lacks powerpoint. so I'm off to bauman. woo hoo.

I am completely wackta for not being asleep right now, but I've just been so keyed up from tonight. got everything ready to go to the postal service show just in time to leave. called ben gibbard on his cell phone (yes kids, I have his number, bloo ha ha!) to arrange everything but got no answer. hmm. waited around, talked to jenny lewis for a sec; she was a sweetheart as usual. but it was all good; the band showed up and let us in, even sans tickets--and the show was sold out.

so ben was a helluva nice guy. I was a little nervous and bumbling, but the interview went swimmingly. especially our conversation about putting slayer tapes in teddy ruxpin. got great pix of me with him, me with CEX (in which I'm poised to lick his deliciously sexy--well, CEXy--face), and of the show in general, which was GREAT. the openers, shallow be thy name, weren't actually as bad as their name suggests. CEX's set was hilarious as always, although he didn't do "the beehive song," which we really looked forward to. and the postal service was phenomenal. no stage lights, just projected video behind. and they finished by covering--get this--phil collins' "take a look at me now." I'm still floating from the experience.

although with two papers and a presentation due on thursday I'd better get my fucking feet on the ground. and my head on the pillow. God bless huey for not having class this week; I can sleep a wee bit later.

it's been a crazy couple of days indeed. backing up to friday: went to see the drive-by truckers in carrboro w/josh. opening band, leadfoot, was a brand of awful not to be believed. truckers rocked out hardcore, and played for almost three hours. we were exhausted but pleased.

yesterday: back to carrboro w/josh to see crooked fingers and spoon. debacle: I left my ticket at home, so josh and I were both going to buy at the door. sold out. after much dejectedness...well, let's just say it pays to know the right people to weasel you in. for free, no less.

the opening act for that show, fiery furnaces, was hilariously funny. crooked fingers did great stuff as always, although their guitarist really needs to take his ritalin--slow songs, fast songs, he ran around like a maniac regardless. spoon ROCKED, although the house (while jam packed) seemed sort of lackadasical. the lead singer is absolutely delicious. I then came back and hung out with my bryan hall peeps.

today: the 'rents came. co-signed for the apartment and took the crew out to dinner at liberty. had a very nice visit.

despite all this marked goodness, I'm in a really down mood. talking with my parents about graduation, the lease, and the job prospects reiterated that I'm not a kid anymore. maturity be damned, all I want is to be taken care of for a little while longer. it's not about money, or work ethics, or any of that. it's about not feeling ready to completely cut loose. if I had ever been a thumb sucker, it'd definitely be in my mouth right now.

also...and this story will sound convoluted, but I have to be vague...I was having a little online dialogue about life in general with some folks that I trust. I told them about something that had happened to me, what I thought was a goofy little anecdote that they'd find amusing. not a big deal. well, I came under complete personal attack. I was called "sick" and "juvenile," accused of having no morals. I was called every name in the book short of "republican." could it be that I'm not as intrinsically good as I've always thought? the whole exchange made me feel like a terrible person. I'd canvas the area for hugs, but it'd just raise too many questions. wow, that sounds funny. but it's true.

so the overall sentiment right now is one of extreme distress. I need to work--and come up with questions for tomorrow's postal service interview--but first I think I might need to take a drive or something. sigh.

it has now been approximately 37 hours, 24 minutes since I last woke from sleep on wednesday. I'm impressed with the success of this all-nighter; I haven't been exceptionally tired, although I've got a bastard of a headache. I'll probably pack in twelve hours tonight.

irene harrington at career development actually offered me some hope, woo hoo! she gave me some suggestions on cleaning up my resume as well as lots of local contact numbers for TV stations, radio, and publications--not that any of them will necessarily be hiring, but you never know. I did get a lead on one job that is absolutely perfect. the news and record wants a reporter to write for the paper's life section. the job description is exactly what I'm doing now on the guilfordian. I'm not holding my breath for it, but I'll push as hard as I can.

and on that note, I shall finally shut down for a while.

hooray for all-nighters. I didn't plan to stay up--I really didn't have that much work to do--but it just got past the point of no return (aka 3 hours til time to wake up) and I knew that it was a bit late to be considering sleep. purty soon I'm headed out to IHOP for their early bird special. and coffee. oh, yes. there will be coffee up in there.

josh and I signed the lease on the apartment, yay! and get this: it ordinarily goes for $660 per month and we got it for $599. sooo sweet. it seems like a wonderful community, and for even less money than I paid at lake's edge.

now if only I can get a job to go with it. I'm visiting the happy folks at career development at 10 today. please, please, PLEASE let them have some helpful advice!

that stint writing "warren street" (the short story) really whet my appetite for doing some creative writing. problem is, I've yet to have any more good ideas. typing out that fucker was seriously better than any sex, drugs, food, anything I've ever had. it's an addictive high, too. I just hope that inspiration strikes again; for now all I can do is keep paring away at "warren street." at least it's getting some much needed fine tuning.

word to the wise: whenever you get overtired to the point of hysteria, do NOT put "ride of the valkyries" on your winamp playlist. when it came on I doubled over laughing just long enough to be declared legally insane.

it's been a kooky day. slept in today, but made up for it by reading and taking notes on 150 pages, scheduling my appt. with career development, and writing parts of two research papers. oh, and. I had this random idea for a short story while I was out today, so I decided to come back and make some notes on it. I stayed parked at the computer until I had churned out a complete 2400 word story that I feel is pretty fucking good. could even be filmed someday. it needs work, but it's one of the best things I've ever done. not that that's saying much.

if only I felt so inspired to write my one-act play. I have to churn out at least one more scene before thursday morning. talk about something going nowhere.

oh, cassie called tonight! she might be coming in for graduation, and I hope she makes it. she's still without a job, although who am I to talk. I really, really hope that the career development folks sense my desperation and help me dig something up. at least I have my graduation money to cover my ass, but I don't want to have to do that. I'd like to start saving some money back.

I'm so sick of the nasty cold rain. o terrible clouds, I demand that ye lift!

I've been productive today; time for a break. specifically, time to write about the bizarre dream I had last night that first woke me up at 8:00 a.m. and continued until 2:00 p.m. or so (kept falling back asleep and it just kept going):

new year's eve. carra and I are at some dance club. I'm upset about not having anyone to kiss at midnight. a guy starts chatting with me: he's a little sketchy, but not bad. we make out. carra comes back and gushes over him being cute--while we're making out. I push her away--literally.

then we're at my parents' house somehow. he sleeps over. he says he's in love with me. the next day I drive him home (tazewell va). I realize that we didn't exchange numbers; I'm not worried, as we both know where the other lives. go back home where mom is making breakfast.

flash forward two days. find out that he's been in an accident and is dead. I'm in shock. his family contacts me; says that he was actually murdered and the accident was faked. I go to his house, which looks to have been burglarized. everyone suspects a conspiracy. then the funeral. for some reason my brother is there and is drunk. I can't bring myself to look in the coffin. his uncle approaches me and gives me a key. tells me that he (the dead guy) kept files on the computers at a certain business and that I should see them.

then: ali, myself, and some others are at the movies (no longer in bluefield). we slip away and take an elevator upstairs in the attached skyscraper. we stop outside the office that the uncle mentioned. the key unlocks the door. there are people working. we ask a woman if she'll show us the files. she agrees, but then realizes that they are confidential. we can see over her shoulder that they involve government secrets. we realize that we should have snuck into the office later, and that we are in danger. we get up to leave and are chased through the office.

we escape and get into the elevator. on our way down we realize that it has been sabotaged; the cable breaks. we pry open the doors and escape into a restaurant just as the emergency brake gives and the car plummets. then...well, we eat dinner.

flash forward a week or so. there has been an expose on the files; all the guilty parties have been arrested. I find out that the guy was a teacher at my elementary school. I go to clean out his office; all my old teachers are there. they think I'm going to replace him. I think, "maybe I should. I'd love teaching." I walk back out to my car (my volvo, for some reason) with the box of his things. I get in...and there he is. I realize that his death was staged, it's now safe for him to reappear, and we embrace.

talk about an epic.

found the car key! but...
_________________________________________________________________
murder weapons:
most romantic: hand-held crossbow
most clever: icicle
most classy: piano wire
(choices, choices...)

"some people are better off dead."
--bruno anthony, "strangers on a train"
(agreed)

fact: in states that utilize the death penalty, first-time murderers convicted for a "crime of passion" are very rarely executed.
(that's comforting)
________________________________________________________________

I could really use an outlet for my frustration...

a quote:

"it's amazing what a tranquilizer and some peach sorbet will do for your outlook on life."
--me, thought approximately 38 seconds ago

almost time for the QFS meeting. then back here to clean and shape things up.

I'm in such an "I hate myself" mood today. I'm really frustrated; I can't find my car key. it became detached from my key ring and now it's gone. I've exhausted pretty much every possibility in looking for it, and I don't know what else to do. my room is such a shithole, though, it's probably in here somewhere.

I'm just so tired of my inability to organize and keep things in order. well, maybe it's not so much inability as unwillingness. maybe I was naive, but I really thought that once I started taking adderall some of this shit would stop. guess not.

to top it all off, I have one of the worst headaches ever. I'm afraid that it's developing into a migrane. I'm just going to lie down for a while. sigh.

warning: extreme randomness ahead.

just got back from carra and ashley's. had some southern comfort and other things. we tried to get rapunzel to call paul, but to no avail. alas.

dream boy sighting: the pines. my reaction: "okay, calm down. pretend not to notice. talk to everyone. give hugs. act popular. be popular. then--"run away! run away!"

fuck, I need to let this go.

movies in chapel hill with ali tonight. "all the real girls." GREAT movie. totally me-core. but it made me feel lonely.

also: bonfire deep in the woods. everyone got naked. not me, though. but it was nice.

all the birds are on crack. but I guess they're springing forward, as we should. I need to go to bed, but the entire versace spring line is on my sheets. after I clear it off I'm crashing. perry blackwell, forgive me!

my bagel awaits. hooray for smoke flavoring.

it's been a nice night. at first I was disappointed at the marked lack of partying going on, but ended up having a pleasant evening drinking SoCo and chatting/laughing hysterically with josh and ali. I'm now quite warm and toasty and getting ready to hit the sheets.

dream boy sighting: standing on the curb next to wilco by friendly avenue with unknown girl. he was in danger of getting hit, he was so close to the road. segway into...

Pros and Cons of Hitting "Dream Boy" with Car

Cons:
1) Destruction of beauty
2) Personal guilt
3) Prison
4) Damage to my beloved car itself

Pros:
1) No one else can have him
2) Feeling of empowerment
3) Prison sex
4) Excuse to get new car
5) Excuse to get new obsession

dammit, the pros have it by one. should've done it. oh, well. too late now.

I love my parents. but sometimes they're so good to me that it makes me feel like shit. conversation with mom today:

MOM: if you and ali want to go to new york after graduation, that can be part of your graduation present.
ME: (sighs audibly) okay, whatever. I guess we probably just won't go, anyway.
MOM: well, let me tell you what you're getting. maybe that'll make a difference.
ME: what? about a thousand dollars, didn't you say?
MOM: three thousand.

clarification: my parents would be the most wonderful people in the world, outlandish gifts or not. but still. I don't deserve that and I know it. it makes me feel awful. but I guess I have no right to complain.

need to finalize a few preparations for the radio show tomorrow. all covers. should be lots of fun.

let's see what dreams my subconscious cooks up for me tonight. last night I dreamed that candice bergen went to my elementary school. strange.

yawn...stretch. I've been gabin my room for the last little bit, just luxuriating in the freedom of friday afternoon with my book and my gummi worms. s'bout time to get moving, though--way too much to get accomplished.

going to borders tonight for the introvert creative group's monthly exhibition of poetry and song. here's hoping that they'll crank out some interesting stuff.

wonder why people say "hit the showers" when it's actually the water from said shower hitting you? for my part, I'm going to go and get hit by the shower.

my group presented its collaborative play this morning; it was pretty well received. but how can you not love a swedish whore named chlamydia?

I won't say whom or in what course, but I got to enjoy class with the most stoned girl ever today. she was completely out of it, and everyone was giggling about her the whole time--except the prof, who seemed oblivious. I'm certainly not a prude about smoking up--not like I never have--but I personally think it's in kinda bad taste to smoke during the week unless you have absolutely nothing to do. it's like leedy's law of drinking: it's tacky between sunday and wednesday night, then it's all go. I love nicole.

some new links to blogs to the left, all good people. same routine--you think I suck too much to link to your precious journal, just let me know.

why the hell am I inside? it's gorgeous out there. I must find something to do that involves sun.

have read for the past few hours until my eyes are exhausted. a boy's own story by edmund white. I read it years ago and remembered how much I loved it, so I picked up a copy at b&n tonight. it's such an amazing novel. all I want to do right now is sit and write prose of my own, but my brain feels like a...it's as if I...I'm just too wrung out. see? dammit, can't even come up with a decent metaphor.

the hotel yorbans are kicking around the idea of hosting the year's final wqfs party in a couple of weekends. that would rule; all year we've talked about having parties and have been too sorry to get one together. it'd be nice to go out with a bang. I wonder what my social life will hold once I graduate. I don't want to be one of those alums who hangs out on campus every freakin weekend; I'd like to think that I can rustle up some other things to do. not that I'm a snob about it--you can bet I'll be tromping these same brick paths next year if I hear of something big cooking.

speaking of parties, josh is all about some kookiness this weekend, and I'm right there with him. a sizable contingency of us are up for a serendipity redux. although I'm promising myself that I'll stay relatively well behaved--I can't even walk across campus anymore without bumping into someone that I've at least made out with while smashed. seriously, that's not an exaggeration. I don't really want to come any closer to crossing that line between "sexual opportunist" and "damn dirty ho," and my left big toe is nudging it.

anyway, even damn dirty hoes need their sleep.

I've been all wacked out today. for some reason tuesdays always leave me exhausted and needing to sleep a lot on wednesdays. so 11 hours last night; I really wanted to get a lot accomplished today, but so much for that. my brain just can't get into gear. I've been headachy too, but I think that's mostly my crazy sinuses.

although I DO have to start getting it together. by friday I must:
clean room/do laundry
finish resume portfolio and ask for letters of recommendation
call about and view apartment w/ josh and carra
have all the info together for my mass media final
start planning ali's and my film festival
call ernest and reschedule...

I think that's it, but it's enough on top of the usual drudgery. I think instead of saying "hello" I'm going to start answering the phone dorothy parker style: "what fresh hell is this?"

charles and I went to ruth's chris steak house tonight courtesy of his mom's gift certificate. SO good. if you're a carnivore with money (it was $88 plus tip for us) I can't recommend it enough.

I've got to spend some time tonight punching up my one-act play. it's loosely based on the whole joey debacle, so it's got definite emotional potential, but so far it's honestly just boring.

the 'rents are coming down a week from sunday for dinner. that should be nice.

anyway, time for some more world domination plotting.

aunt kay warned me. "you don't know what allergies ARE until you move to north carolina!" yup. my eyes burn so much they feel like the world/inferno friendship society's cymbals (heh--I could not remember that band's name; took ages of searching for random keywords to figure it out). anyway, I'm about to close them for 8-9 hours, so it's all good.

speaking of music, good and bad news:
bad--flaming lips show was sold out. major bummer.
BEST NEWS EVER--found out that a certain group is playing in asheville on may first. so I got my ticket and am going to see...wilco. eat your fucking hearts out. I've wanted to see that rogue band of geniuses ever since the opening chords of "being there" first touched my eardrums. well, that's a slight exaggeration. but still. josh and ali are going as well, and we're all about to wet our pants already.

I'm starting to get concerned with my questionable creativity. my lack of any major successes in playwriting has led me to question my ability as a screenwriter. I mean, I want to go to film school primarily to direct, but I really really really want to write my own movies as well. my only good ideas are generated when I write what I know and live through my characters. but quite frankly, my life isn't always interesting enough to warrant juicy stories. I also think a big part of it is not seizing on ideas when they first enter my mind. that day at tate st. last week I just happened to have a notebook with me when I wanted to write all those character sketches of the other regulars--which are actually kinda cool. note to self: start carrying pen and paper. now where's some to write that down...

random question: wouldn't it be nice to be able to claim to have passionately kissed the one most physically attractive human being that you've ever seen and ever expect to?
random answer: yes.

I hope that constant reader has had a splendid john l. lewis day (you mountaineers know what I'm talkin about; otherwise just plug in "april fools' day" there). may your dreams be ethereal and your eyebrows indoor.

random philosopical bullshit:

I see nothing wrong with jealousy. under the right circumstances, I think it can even be healthy. if a person is jealous, there's no shame in admitting it. "that's a nice apple you've got there. wish I had one."

I do take issue with covetousness; it's a sad thing when someone is so selfish as to want to deny someone else happiness so that they can have it. "that's a nice apple you've got there. think I'll steal it and eat it when you're back's turned."

but the worst: when one becomes so vindictive as to wish unhappiness on another when they have nothing to gain themselves..."that's a nice apple you've got there. think I'll hide it and let it rot just so you won't have something I don't."
____________________________________________________________________

lately I find myself wanting a lot of what other people have. and if I can't have whatever the commodity in question is, I'm becoming less and less averse to watching said other people suffer. I guess it's just the old "misery loves company" theory, but that doesn't make me a better person.

(note: I'm not actually in a pissy mood this evening. just giggling at my inhumanity. think I'll chuckle my way into bed.)

aargh...need today to recover from last night. shana brought down some jello shots, and with some whiskey to boot I felt pretty funky. went upstairs and talked to folks, then over to 731 for the Tiger Bear Wolf et al. show. the apartments were as jumpin as I've ever seen them; I couldn't even guess how many people were milling around. hugged/talked to charles for a minute. went back to bryan with carra, ashley and crew for a few minutes. fell into bed late but woke up early. all in all, it was a great night of staggering and chit-chatting.

got to talk with my dream boy last night too. I was proud of myself--it was the first time I've even been able to say hi in quite some time. he makes me want to act like a spoiled kid in a toy store. I feel like throwing myself down on the floor, kicking and punching, and screaming "WANT THAT! WANT THAT!" repeatedly. fat lot of good it would do. damn breeder.

went to waffle house and the mall with ali today. ate way too much hashbrowns and looked at shoes I couldn't afford. at light years they have this "mullet shampoo" that comes in a car wax like bottle and smells like armorall. funny.

I need to clean, do work, study, and make about a million phone calls. eh, I think I'll go get some coffee instead.

whee! found my phone! it was in my car the whole time. I'm so stupid sometimes.

I'm sure the majority of campus will be in attendance at the blackalicious show tonight, but I'm just not really feelin it. think I'm just gonna hang here and wait for the planned apartments party to kick in. last chance for serendipity revelry, after all, and I'd like to partake of all possible delights.

anyway, let's get this show on the road...

tonight was a disappointment after last night. got mildly tipsy and went to bryan to ogle the half-unclad bumpin and grindin at the foam party--which, admittedly, was actually pretty hot. then deep into the woods to a drum circle around a bonfire...well, it was pretty small, more of a bonbon fire. got bored and came back here to eat leftover pizza. woo friday.

I hope that I wake up in a better humor than I am now. for some reason I just feel like getting my .22 out of my closet, standing on top of frank, and letting a few bullets fly. what? you don't think I have a .22? come over here. let me push these clothes out of the way...seriously, it's fuckin serendipity already, jeremy. perk up, for cryin in the bucket. you're probably just sexually frustrated. or just abnormally dismayed at the usual mediocrity.

before I delve into complete self-absorption, time for bed.

well, last night had some positive excitement. serendipity kicked off with a bang with a big gathering of drunk people in the meadows. when that got broken up everyone just migrated back to the apartments. I don't remember most of the night, which means it was probably pretty good. ashley and emily slept on our couches. lately our apartment has become a waystation for the tired, poor, huddled masses too hammered to make it back to bryan hall. suits me just fine.

bad news: I lost my cell phone. bryan and I walked all over campus calling it but to no avail. I'll just keep checking lost and found. I'm sure I had it on me when I left here last night. sigh.

I met a really cute guy at tate street yesterday. his name's jason and he's an indie rocker. he's supposed to come by here this weekend...I think he's straight, though. but it'd be fun to hang out; we had a nice time talking.

gabe's all set to leave town on sunday. we sure will miss him. he should be by later tonight, at least I hope so.

there's a party in bryan tonight that I want to make an appearance at, but first a nip of whiskey. nothing as intense at last night--but it's just so cold outside!

"nothing ever happens in blaine..."

I certainly hope this weekend brings a bit of positive excitement worth posting about. the past couple of days have been so awfully dull. the biggest thrill was going to see "catch me if you can" at the $2 theater last night--which, granted, was a fantastic flick, but I could hardly write a novel about the experience.

I hope to go look at the proposed apartment on friday with carra and josh. hopefully that'll give me some initiative to start some real job hunting.

incidentally: ali and I decree that all inanimate objects that hitherto have had no binding and formal appellation are now to be called "linda." just go with it.

I swear, sometimes I wonder if the both of us aren't schizophrenic. if so, it could well be contagious.

so I was putting together the aforementioned list of songs and I realized that, if arranged in a certain way, they could tell a story. so I burned a cd that, when listened to from start to finish, says a lot about me--especially my relationships with people, which is one of the ways that I define myself the most. and the "jeremy soundtrack" is...

1. Lou Reed, “Andy’s Chest”
2. Sloan, “The Good in Everyone”
3. Belle and Sebastian, “Expectations”
4. Bob Dylan, “Ballad of a Thin Man”
5. Violent Femmes, “Add it Up”
6. Liz Phair, “Baby Got Goin”
7. The Ramones, “Sheena is a Punk Rocker”
8. Blur, “Boys and Girls”
9. Rufus Wainwright, “Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk”
10. Boyracer, “Tell Me Where My Hands Should Go”
11. Beulah, “If We Can Put a Man on the Moon, Surely I Can Win Your Heart”
12. The Buzzcocks, “Ever Fallen in Love?”
13. Superchunk, “Water Wings”
14. Aimee Mann, “High on Sunday 51”
15. Sleater-Kinney, “One More Hour”
16. Rilo Kiley, “The Good That Won’t Come Out”
17. Death Cab for Cutie, “Photobooth”
18. Bjork, “Army of Me”
19. Cake, “I Will Survive”
20. The Strokes, “Last Night”

if anyone wants to borrow it and get inside my brain a little, or just dig on some cool tunes, just let me know.

oscars are over! some real surprises tonight: almodovar taking screenplay, "the pianist" taking various and sundry things. all good stuff, though.

I had the most random mood swing earlier. got all weepy and self-indulgent and took off for burlington on my usual insanity drive. listened to death cab for cutie's "photobooth" on repeat for just over an hour. felt better after that somehow. I feel purged. but aren't antidepressants supposed to prevent this kind of thing...?

I've been trying to think of 20 songs that someone could listen to if they wanted a better understanding of what goes on in my head. when I think of em I'll post em.

time for post-award munchies with the crew.

so last night was a classic guilford saturday--party in 731. I got very toasty, and carra got so toasty that she couldn't quite make it home, so we snuggled here last night. got up this morning and went to lunch/shopping with kristi; I won't name names, but we discovered that we've both made out with the same guy fairly recently. funny. she's turned into a total horndog of late, and we've made a pact to prowl campus hardcore next weekend. it's serendipity, after all, guilford's certified biggest debauchery weekend. we shall see.

went to see "the pianist" last night. it was amazing, very grittily realistic. it made me realize how lucky I am to have been born in relatively civilized america during relatively civilized times. I mean, in the great cosmic scheme of things, I could just as easily have lived and died as a Jew in a concentration camp in 1940...or be currently starving to death in modern day east africa...or on the flip side, been a pampered member of the british royal family. souls are funny things.

I was in kind of a bad mood today, but then carra and ashley suggested that we go to jake's for dinner dressed in the most outlandish clothes, makeup, and accessories possible. sarah stringfield, emily, julie, and ali all got in on it. everyone either looked like complete eurotrash or a complete prosititute, or both. we turned a lot of heads. it really perked me up.

do you ever get in moods where you just feel like saying, "okay, so what now?" that's why I'm so bizarro today. it's like sitting in the middle of a big, empty field and looking around and just kind of thinking, "well..." I think it must have something to do with being single again. I'm glad to be, but at the same time I already feel starved for male attention. I dunno. whatever.

my room is in a frightening state. I must clean a bit before the oscar telecast starts.

so today was fun. ali and I went to charlotte--coffee at dean and deluca, shopping at southpark and concord mills, dinner at roadhouse, and a nice visit with josh. I bought the coolest track jacket ever and a set of shotglasses. took the shotglasses to carra and ashley's tonight where they were filled with tequila several times. partook and watched "wet hot american summer." I feel bad that I stayed over there so long; gabe came by and I totally wasn't here. hope no one wants to strangle me tomorrow.

I'm in this really self-indulgent, introspective mood now, but unfortunately I'm too tired to do anything creative with it. which is a great shame; it's been years since I've felt this wistful. c'est la vie. off to cuddle the old pillows.

ali's birthday today, whee! I was supposed to go to a journalistic ethics conference at wake today, but in all honesty, it's more important to me to 1) spend time with newly-minted 22 year olds and 2) to visit my injured friend. yeah, we're going to charlotte/concord so that we can visit josh as well. he updated his blog today, which is a good sign.

tomorrow I might have dinner with charles. I'm so pleased that we're staying friends. you know, this was the first time that I've honestly broken up with anyone, and I feel that I handled it with enough diplomacy to make jimmy carter proud. at the very least, I could probably teach george dubya a thing or two.

so I'm on this campaign to grow my hair as long as possible until it drives me nuts. for me that's not that long, really. I got some straightening stuff for it so it won't go vertical; seems to work pretty well.

after two days of cold and pouring rain it's sunny as hell and warm today. so confusing.

to blue hour tonight with bryan and gabe. had two green hornets, or as I like to call them, "liquid death:" tequila and midori. much discussion of gabe and his crush. it sure would be nice if he could catch a break.

I'm worried that lexapro is giving me headaches. I've had a low grade one all day. may have to see the doc about that.

I've been doing a lot of writing lately--prose, for a change. some of it's actually pretty good. maybe I'll submit some of it for publication when I'm happy with it.

time for beddy-bye. here's hoping that the dreams are good and plentiful...

another day at a close. ali, gabe and I were going to see "the pianist" and it was sold out. dammit, that's the second time in a row that we've tried to see a film there and it hasn't worked for some reason. then we came back and had a hysterical laughing fit over "funny wheel cars" (cars that have the continental spare thingy on the trunk) and we've decided that ali's fated to buy one. I sure hope so.

so in light of last night's grand event, I've been doing a lot of thinking about men/boys. here's a little condensed history of my interactions with them:

the power players:
father--somewhat distant, later not so, always loving. currently excellent.
brother--somewhat distant, still so, but the love's there. it's a personality thing.
h.s. best friend--acquaintance to friend to lover to boyfriend to lover to friend to nothing to friend to lover to enemy to acquaintance.

figures:
fucked: 9 (...?)
corrupted: 2 ("gay") + 1 ("straight") = 3
been corrupted by: 1
been emotionally fucked over by: 3
have been emotionally fucked over by me: 3.5

issues:
1) straight boys used to scare me
2) gay boys currently scare me
3) gay boys are all that I can have (and even that's a rare occurrence)
4) straight boys are what I want the most

current (approx):
father = good
brother = good
three great straight guy friends = fantastic, God bless 'em.
one boy haunts my dreams every night. but a dream is all he'll ever be. like the proverbial arrow, if you catch my drift. at least he thinks so...
and one boy would like to be with me forever. but something important just isn't there. more's the pity; at least he plays for the desirable team.

oh, and then there's me. he and I are getting along a little better these days. but out of all my guy/guy relationships, that one's been the toughest. and ain't no way that's changing anytime soon.

so much for profundity. more can be said for sleep. zzz...

here's what everyone is doing:

carra is rolling around on her big n' soft talking about winnie the pooh and looking like an ocelot...
ashley is practicing her founding father impersonation with a faux peacock feather...
charo is off somewhere saying "coochie coochie!"
and I am contemplating the virtues of slipcovers.

we know how to live.

well, I'm STILL too tired to make a long post tonight, but I'm using up my last dregs of energy to do this short one. nyc was so fucking cool. coming back here is like stepping into the fiery pits of hell barefoot. five days of partying hard in a different city with different people really agreed with me. there was so much debauchery--but I won't recount the details here to protect the innocent (or not so innocent, heh). sigh. well, back to the real world.

josh got hit by a car in austin on friday. the driver was drunk and came up on the sidewalk. josh got a fractured skull and doesn't remember any of it. thankfully the girl he was hanging out with was able to take care of him. everything looks to be ok, though, and he should be back here within a week.

I broke up with charles tonight. he took it well, and we're still friends and all that. I just felt that it was time to call it quits. I did a lot of thinking over break, and realized that I just wouldn't be happy in our relationship anymore. it just moved so quickly right from the start that I didn't know how serious things were going to get until they already were. I'm off the market for a while. I have too much mental weirdness to deal with for the time being...let's just say that there's a lot of very murky water that's NOT under the bridge yet that needs to be before I get back in the game.

anyway, on a lighter note (insert sarcasm here), it sho looks like the u.s. is going to war. that's a very terrible thing, but I'm not as emotional about it as some people. it sounds insensitive, but I guess I take the same head-in-the-sand approach that mom does: we can't do anything about it, so we just have to get on with our lives. I shudder to think, however, what the coming months will bring.

I'm so tired that I'm closing one eye and then the other to rest them. time for bed.

just to let everyone know, I'm back. just wrote a larger post that got erased somehow. sometimes I hate this thing. anyway, more tomorrow.

ladies and gentlemen, the crack-fest has begun. I'm working on my all-nighter. I've been packing; soon I have to go to wal-mart and get some food and coffee. in seven hours I'll be in new york! woo hoo!

the broadway strike is over and we can do everything as scheduled. I'm happy about that. I'm not so happy that I haven't heard back from any of the nyc people I've contacted to chill with while I'm there. well, they've got my number.

I did a radio show with ali from 10 to 2 to give me something to do during these wee hours. as we got progressively tireder it got progressively weirder. but it was fun and no one was traumatized. gabe hung out with us until just after one.

I bought the funniest thing I've ever purchased today at big lots. olympia dukakis brand salad dressing. it has a big olympia dukakis head on it. it's creamy feta. I hope it's not gross. well, it might be funnier if it is, really.

I suppose I should get back to my necessaries. will post again (probably at some length) on sunday.

great, great night. josh, bryan and I went to our little show this evening. first band: chris stamey. good old-school folky stuff. second band: the glands. mostly catchy, rockabilly-influenced non-sucky pop but with some twists and turns here and there. hard to describe in a few words, but great. then yo la tengo. dude. they played a lot of stuff from their upcoming record, and it was amazing. they only did two songs that I actively knew--a version of "nuclear war" and a track from "and then nothing..." that I don't remember the name of. that was fine; no complaints. for their first encore they played audience requests from a list that had been circulated. you haven't lived until you've heard ylt covering "do you know the way to san jose?" there was a second encore as well. all in all, almost five solid hours of music (from all three bands; 2 1/2 from ylt alone). sweet.

other than that, I honestly have nothing new to report. um...guess I'll go to bed. yeah. bed.

I'm pretty sleepy, but am actually forcing myself to stay up a bit longer. why? well, so I can sleep late tomorrow and therefore stay up later. therefore, I will sleep later on tuesday. THEREFORE, the fact that I'm not going to bed on tuesday night won't be as big an issue. I mean, I have to be at the airport at 5:30 am on wednesday, and that ain't gonna happen if I go to bed. this is by far the most planning I've ever put into an all-nighter, and I've planned a few in my day. watch I'll drop off to sleep at like 4 on wednesday morning or something.

I've been in a daze all day, and I hope it's just from still feeling sick. cuz I took my first lexapro last night (sorry, it didn't start with a d after all) and I'd hate to think it's made me all tired. what's the use of being a stable human being if you don't have the energy to take advantage of it?

josh and ali had an insanely good time yesterday, and I hate that I missed out on it. tomorrow night's yo la tengo, though, for which I'm very anxious.

today's randomness. I am currently obsessed with the following things: braniff airlines, the parmalat company, and the mojave phone booth. oh, and gabe's right. zwieback crackers are intrinsically funny.

so much for saturday. slept most of the day and awoke feeling somewhat better--no fever anymore, and my throat feels a little less swollen. gabe and I went to the super buffet for dinner and back here to watch "return to oz," a film of which we shall never tire. josh and ali called from m.b. around 4 today, having a blast. sigh. well, if it came down to that or feeling like death in new york, I'll take that.

speaking of new york, however, can you believe that practically all of broadway is on strike? I dunno what we'll do if we get up there with no shows to see. well, I'm assuming that we'll be given free reign to run amok as we see fit. at least I'd like to think so.

I shut myself in early tonight and watched "beautiful thing" to unwind; it was the first time I'd seen it. such a sweet little love story, unremarkable but endearing. it brought back fond memories of being 16 and discovering love myself...wait a minute, those memories aren't so fond. dammit! I hate it when that happens. although I certainly do recall that tender, covert innocence that comes with a first queer romance. "nobody knows but us, I'm so glad I found you," all that sort of thing. then we grow up, start waving pride flags, and openly quote margaret cho for all the world to hear. I certainly don't lament coming out, but there really is something to be said for closeted relationships. there's just no mystique anymore, alas!

it really sucks having such enormous sinuses that they stop only about 2 mm from where the roots of my teeth begin. every time my sinuses go awry my teeth hurt like a bitch. it makes me want to tie a rag around my head and hold my jaw melodramatically. it's so funny when people do that in old movies and things.

anyway, before I digress into total randomness, this snot rocket's hittin the hay.

so I'm starting to wonder if it's NOT the bubonic plague. I feel so terrible; I can tell I have a pretty freaky fever by the alternating sweats and chills (they're multiplying) I'm getting. the only reason I'm sitting here writing is cuz I had to get up for a popsicle and realized that I can actually breathe when I'm upright. still, bed feels sooooo good.

although I did go to the doctor today about my happy pills (I got a prescription, but I forget what they're called--something that starts with a d) and he didn't seem concerned about my illness. something going around, he said. by the way, no one clued me in that the guilford doctor is so HOT. I mean, if you like that blond-haired, blue-eyed aryan kind of hot (I do). I look forward to my follow-up appointment.

so in case it isn't yet obvious, it looks like I'm going to have to skip out on tomorrow's myrtle beach trip. which sucks not only because I have to stay here, but also because I'm out $30 on the ticket and $36 on the motel. but I can't risk overtiring myself and not being ship-shape for nyc on wednesday. which I WILL be, dammit.

oh, so bryan made it back ok, although I haven't seen him. I've heard him and hannah milling around the apartment. it might be lucky for bryan that he's been spending so little time here; he might be the only one safe from the plague.

dammit, it all comes back to being ill. I'm going to eat my popsicle and shut up about it and maybe I'll feel better. ta.

uggghhh...I am sick. I felt pretty woozy when I woke up this morning, but chalked it up to getting so little sleep. after class I hung out with carra and ashley for a couple hours, and we eventually went out to dinner. while we talked I could actually feel myself getting progressively more sniffly and headachy and sneezy until this evening I realized that it was a full-blown cold. at least, I hope that's all it is...every year I say I should get a flu shot but don't. but let's not talk like that. I'm sure it's nothing more serious than the bubonic plague. but I've been lying around in my pyjamas and moaning a lot; it seems to be my mission in life for the moment.

last I heard bryan was stuck in carrboro with a dead car. josh couldn't pick him up (too much work), I couldn't pick him up (too much snot), ali couldn't pick him up (too much lack of license/car). I dunno what he's done about his situation. note to readers: get AAA cards, for cryin in the bucket. sure it's like a whole $30 a year, but you never know when you'll need it.

so gabe's still moving back to santa fe this month, but NOW he's planning to move BACK here in december. aroo? well, I guess the work experience he can get at home will help him land something here. and I certainly won't complain about having him around.

carra was nice enough to let me sponge off her considerable cd collection, so maybe I'll listen to something besides rilo kiley for a change tonight...eh, maybe not. I've put too much mental energy into my r.k. obsession to drop it just yet. mazzy star, rufus wainwright et al. will wait patiently for me, I'm sure.

I feel very grainy at the moment. I'm in a conundrum: should I try to go to sleep and trust myself to rise at 10:15 for class, or just stay awake? I slept until after 2:00 today, so an all-nighter shouldn't be a problem, but I'm really zapped. I would be asleep already, but charles was here until 2:30 and then I went to have a bullshit session with carra about this (great) short story that she's submitting in a competition. so I just walked in.

I went to see ernest again today, but we didn' t have much to talk about as I won't see the doctor until friday. however, he called jim hood and got him to e-mail richie zweigenhaft for me. basically jim said "jeremy told me I could tell you he's crazy and ernest is trying to uncrazify him. that's why he hasn't been coming to class. please be nice and let him make up his work and not fail. thanks." I felt bad that ernest did that, and told him that it was like asking for a get-out-of-jail-free card. "well," ernest sez, "if you have a card, you ought to use it." I guess. and after all, graduation is at stake here.

gaaa...I think I may try the whole sleep thing after all. wish me luck in waking.

What Jeremy Does with His Insomnia:


Mean lil fellow, arn't you?


What Monty Python Character are you?
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Margot Tenenbaum


Which Tenenbaum are you?
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Lazy Line-Painter Jane.


Which Belle & Sebastian Song Character are You?
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you're ben gibbard of death cab for cutie...there's
really not much to say besides that,
well...that and your morbid in your
mellow/catchy ways.


Which Indie Front-Man Are You?
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one last thing before bed and dreams about torte. my guestbook actually works now, so feel free to sign away. thanks a heap to the two whole people who've loved me enough so far to sign it...

I've had the weirdest feeling all day that something is going to happen. my nerves have been on edge constantly. I went so far as to call home and quiz mom on whether everyone was OK. so far it's all good, but I can't help but wonder if tomorrow will hold anything of note. knock on wood it won't be anything bad.

james might be interested in splitting the apartment with me this summer, hooray! he would be ideal, since he's such a morning person--if I had to drop him by campus at 8:00 a.m. on my way to work he wouldn't care. what with my nonexistent job and all.

ali and I went to jan's tonight and had to overhear the most annoying conversation. this one guy kept pontificating about how much of an adjustment it was to move from NYC to GSO, how he'd never been part of a close-knit group of friends, and how he hadn't heard of yo la tengo. all those things are fine things to say, but it was the way he said them. we hate him. when we take over, he'll be the first to go.

I suck, by the way. I overslept and missed my ernest appointment and doctor's appointment this morning. I'll have to eat humble pie and reschedule tomorrow.

I haven't mentioned "bb&t guy" here before, so I'll preface this story with a brief bio: teller at my bank, amazingly cute in a nerdy way, and maybe gay/maybe not. whenever I go to the bank I keep my fingers crossed that he'll wait on me, but he rarely does. today not ONLY did he cash my check, he waved aside my offer of my account number with, "that's okay, I remember you." he's in love with me, I think. he thinks about me all the time. he writes awful poems about me and doodles our names together on his notebooks. he can't rest for wanting me lying next to him, and has to hug pillows to get any sleep. it's totally obvious.

I had this weird dream last night about gothfield (the dream bluefield, remember). I went into an antique shop to sell all this glassware I had; I was carrying it on a tray. it was late at night, but being gothfield everything was open. I was told to come back in a few minutes when the appraiser was there, so I went into this restaurant that was part of a hotel. I ordered a chocolate torte and coffee. I woke up soon after. so now I'm going to bed; I really need to finish that torte. it had layers of graham crackers and was quite yummy.

I can do the frug
I can do the robocop
I can do the freddy
I cannot do the smurf...

that's it; I'm going to bed.

I keep thinking it's monday, but I'm sure as hell glad it's not. I do have to get up early tomorrow to see the doctor, though, about the meds possibility. maybe that's why I'm confused.

last night was wacky. I seem to have lost my tolerance for rum, so a few nips of captain morgan's finest made me act very silly indeed. didn't do much, just staggered to bryan and back again. josh was partying hardcore until after I went to bed, hanging out with the 731 folks and stuff. other than that, pretty quiet but still fun.

josh cooked an excellent family dinner tonight, tofu dog "pigs in blankets" and fries. bryan wasn't too thrilled to find out about the veggie dog end of it, but the residents of the hotel yorba now include one full-on veggie and one non-beef eater. as such, it's meatless sundays from here to eternity. fine by me; I'll stay a little healthier that way.

philosophical: I did the whole "star light, star bright" thing tonight with the first one I saw. I won't divulge my wish, but will say that I generally just wish for happiness. corinne once said that it's the only thing worth wishing for--since any other wishes tie in with it somehow, and it's one of the few things you're guaranteed to get at some point, in some quantity. I think that my happiness is contingent on six basic things: love, money, friends, family, health, and God. I have all those things now, except for money--I don't count any that I have, for it's not really my own.

which is why I need to start job hunting stat. it's now march, and the hour groweth late. I've been working on my resume, pitiful thing that it is. I'm going to get some letters of recommendation and build portfolios around that. on the tuesday of break, when I don't have anything to do, I'm going to put on a shirt and tie and make the rounds to every publication in town, foisting copies on anyone who'll take them. I think it's my best course of action.

I also need to round up an apartment mate for the summer, as josh will be at home. if anyone knows of someone who will be in GSO this summer with a car and $315 per month to pay for half of a stunning apartment, do pass it on. homo sapiens a must, neuroses a plus.

again, I'm anxious for spring break, but it's just sinking in that it starts this friday. dude. so much good stuff going on that I need to psyche myself up for. I wish jack zerbe would contact us with more details about the NYC trip. that'd help.

heh...funny...



Take The Test!

these past two days have been nothing short of amazingly wonderful. the storm didn't get bad enough to cancel most morning classes (just 8:30s), but it worsened yesterday and the ice got really dangerous. the power went out around 1:00 (I think; I was in class). I freaked out because I hadn't finished my exam for jack's class, and knew that he wouldn't cut us any slack. the campus network was dead and I had no way to access my work. but as it turned out, they cancelled night classes and we have the weekend to do it.

the outage was OK, though; milner got evacuated and charles came over here. gabe showed up and we sat around candles and talked. hilarity ensued, as per usual. we finally went to k-vegas to denny's, only to find that the entire town was dark. came back to gso denny's before going home to bed--with power restored.

then today. slept gloriously late, then left for carrboro with josh and ali. good dinner, then to the rilo kiley show. so fucking amazing. I think they're endangering death cab for cutie's status as my second favorite band...anyway, they're definitely a close third. I got to meet jenny lewis (lead singer) and blake sennett (guitar/vocals, and yes, he WAS pinsky on "salute your shorts") and be a big nerd asking them to sign my cd case. they were very cool folks, and will play around here again in june. I'm so there.

I didn't get to go to the doctor today; they called and cancelled. guess I won't know til monday what, if any, crazy pills I get to take.

bryan hasn't been in the apartment in days. he must be enjoying a conjugal visit with hannah. and by that I mean...

forgot to mention that we got a new dishwasher courtesy of maintenance, finally. she is a beautiful white appliance that has been christened gloria.

I'm ready for spring break. I want it. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. it's my bar of chocolate. give it to me...now!

heh. I was thinking of beginning this post with "I'm tired...", but then I looked at my last one. well, I'm tired. I've managed to crank out a four page play scene and a five page paper so far tonight, but I still have my queer cinema final to worry about. maybe the ice storm will worsen and they'll at least cancel morning classes (it's supposed to cause some problems, but hasn't yet). we can only hope.

bought a new printer at best buy today. mom--thanks for letting me keep the tuition refund; it's been put to good use!

saw ernest today. is it usual for a mental health professional to recommend medication after a 20 minute conversation? maybe he's right; I'm supposed to see the school doc on friday to get his advice on the matter. all I know is I'd do anything to stabilize my mood a little. ernest thinks I have dysthymia--a low-grade form of depression that works in long cycles of ups and downs. all the symptoms fit; he even said it usually starts around age 12 or 13, which is when I basically went batshit for a while. we'll just see how it goes.

george w. was on the tv earlier, now it's saddam hussein. I always doubted whether a hussein interview would air on a major network in the states...the powers that be would be too afraid that he'd make bush look dumb. now that we're seeing one, well...put it this way. josh and ali are watching in the living room when I go in. me: "so how much smarter than bush does he seem so far?" josh: "hard to say. wish I spoke arabic." yeah.

I randomly checked rilo kiley's tour schedule last night, and they're playing in carrboro on friday. what luck! I'm so addicted to that album.

in fact, have some lyrics:

"oh, you're almost home.
I've been waiting for you to come in.
dancing around in your old suits
going crazy in your room again.
I think I'll go out and embarrass myself
by getting drunk and falling down in the street.
you say I choose sadness,
that it never once has chosen me.
maybe you're right..."
--rilo kiley, "the good that won't come out"

I'm all tired and shit and should be in bed, so just a quick post before I sleep. it's good to be back, I guess, but it continues to be tough holding it all together. I actually see ernest at one tomorrow; I'm anxious to see what he has to say about my problems. tomorrow's a full day, meeting after meeting and mid-term crap and a paper. wednesday I usually get to rest. sigh.

had a nice dinner at vito's with charles, then back here to watch "notorious c.h.o." his relatives are giving him a really hard time. they want to sell his dad's house (which HE inherited, along with the car and the plane and various other assets that people would love to get their greedy hands on), and are making all these decisions about what's to be done about this and that and not giving him any input. I keep telling him to be more forceful. he's been very anxious lately, and I told him that the perfect release would be to call some of those bitches and give them what-for. I'll do it myself if I have to--I think the situation pisses me off as much as it does charles. honestly I'm almost as irritated with him for not getting a friggin lawyer already, but that's neither here nor there.

bought the newer of the two rilo kiley albums today at gate city noise, also picked up the postal service album. both are astounding. I wish that the postal service was getting more QFS play; I haven't seen this week's charts, but I think it was #10 last week. college stations across america are recognizing--it's #1 on many charts I've looked at. even uber-anal pitchforkmedia.com gave it an 8.0. granted, on the whole QFS still kicks royal ass; our charts have much more good stuff and much less crap on them than most of the competitions'. so I won't bitch too much.

josh is one of the male nominees for student graduation speaker. needless to say, he's getting my vote. of course he's become a household name recently over his efforts to oust howard coble as guest speaker, which is why he'll get a lot of votes, but there are plenty of other good reasons. he's articulate, witty, ambitious, involved on campus, conscious of guilford values...and the fact that he's a quaker certainly doesn't hurt. take note, all ye fighting quakers/loyal blog readers!

ever been really tired and started shutting one eye then the other, alternating between the two? I'm doing that now. time to get the fuck in bed.

thunderstorm tonight. first one of those I've seen in quite a while. this winter has been so bizarre.

I spent almost three hours talking to dad tonight. unfortunately the first hour was devoted to one of his economics lectures--once he gets started on 401(k)s and insurance policies and pensions and who-knows-what-else there's no stopping him. I'm just lucky we weren't in the kitchen, or he would have started to go through "his papers." that's this big file of documents that relate to his business and financial affairs. he likes to discuss them in detail with anyone who'll listen. he's mildly obsessed with "his papers;" I think he dreams about them.

anyway, the remainder of our talk was great. he had a lot of insights into my current situation that were very helpful. he thinks that I worry too much about myself as part of a collective and not enough as an individual. that's very true, I think. like with all the classes I've missed. I haven't given much thought to how they would affect my grade; I've been more concerned with how my absences affect the image that I project. and I spend so much time sitting up alone at night watching TV. I never get any time to myself during the daytime hours, so I make up for it that way. dad thinks that I need to learn to say no to people more often, spread myself less thinly, and concentrate more on the here, now, and crucial--all the while thinking in terms of how I will benefit. I need to try that; it might be the answer to a lot of my problems.

it's no wonder I like mrs. dalloway so much. I'm a lot like her.

another thing to improve upon: my fucking weight. I stepped onto scales for the first time in months today. I won't disclose what they said, but let's just say that I now weigh more than I ever have. you know what, though? people talk about feeling so much better when they're thin? at my thinnest I weighed about 25 pounds less than I do now, and I didn't feel that different, and I didn't have any more energy. I guess acknowledging that isn't much of an incentive, huh?

the damn dog got hold of a bottle of super glue tonight and chewed it all up. it's a wonder he's not dead. we now have white crusty stuff all over the kitchen floor, though. time to buy some nail polish remover.

"wild things" was on the TV last night. I'm sorry, but I really enjoy that movie. matt dillon is doubtlessly a big part of that. I do so love swarthy, testosterone laden guys who look like they can lift heavy things. you can keep your brad pitts and your matthew mcconaugheys, with their hairless gym-toned torsos and model-perfect haircuts. not enough man in those men, and if I wanted a girl, well, I'd just date one.

speaking of dating, I think I'll go make some pancakes.

yeah, I'm all at home and shit. I'm feeling pretty good. I had a moment earlier, though: mom asked me if I'd picked up my refund check from the business office and I just burst into tears. just because even something as simple and stupid as picking up a check has become too much of a chore for me. I was kind of joking last week when I told james that I was going to start responding to any request with "as if I don't have enough to worry about without..." well, that really is how I feel. all things considered, I don't have that many responsibilities. I just can't seem to deal with them. everything has become too much.

and much to your relief, loyal blog readers, that's why I'm going to start spilling all this to a mental health professional instead of rehashing it here all the damn time.

so on to happier things. I'm getting really stoked about the upcoming trip to nyc. our itinerary: the lion king (meh, not really excited, but it'll be fun), la boheme (am VERY excited), the guggenheim (hope it's not another damn armani exhibit), and a seminar on something-or-other. with only those four activities, I hope we'll have a good bit of free time. I'm looking forward to painting the town red with bryan (although shouldn't the big apple already be red, we ask ourselves?), and seeing the tiffany and the becka. in light of my recent blog discoveries, I might even warn sam of my impending arrival.

I know it's a little early to start looking for an apartment yet, but mom was asking me about places I was considering and I stumbled upon park forest's website. take note, josh: $629 per month would get us a sizable 2 bedroom, 2 bath place with balcony and fireplace AND washer/dryer in the apartment. pool, security, and all that. and it's not too far from GuilCo, right up on brassfield. it's the best deal I've seen. it's silly, but I get all excited just thinking about getting a place, even though it's months off.

I randomly started typing last night, and began something that I think will become at least a short story if not a full fledged book. it's rare that any of my prose is fit for anything but wrapping paper, and I honestly love what I have so far. get ready to laugh, though: it's about someone who falls in love with a theremin player. we'll see how it goes.

ah, a night in my own bed. a rare treat.

wrote three hours ago, I know, but I'm feeling better and I wanted to post enough to say that I don't feel like committing hari-kari just yet (or harry carey, for that matter; it's hard to commit a dead guy). I AM looking forward to going home, though, and talking things out with mom.

I haven't been lying in the dark after all; rather, I've been reading mrs. dalloway. like so many people, seeing "the hours" inspired me. it's so damn good, but I bought it to read over the weekend and it looks like I'll finish it tonight.

note the myriad new links to other blogs on the left side of the page. bryan gave me corinne's and it cross referenced to a million people I hadn't heard from/seen in ages (sammy's an indie kid now?! what the fuck? there aren't allowed to be cute gay indie boys! it makes life too much worth living!); as before, anyone who doesn't want their name up in this piece drop me a line and tell me to take them the fuck off. no prob.

I've been swilling down syrupy port, and it's made my tummy ache. I'm gonna take a zantac and get back to virginia woolf. may the schwartz be with you.

it's not any better today. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with me. I wonder if I need to be on antidepressants. I think I'll talk to ernest. it's long overdue.

charles doesn't deserve this. I haven't seen him in days because I haven't felt up to it. why is everything such a strain?

I missed my day classes again today. I talked to richie; one more slip-up and I fail, basically. and this is the only class I need to graduate. I just can't seem to stop myself from sleeping all day.

I'm going home tomorrow. I want to spend a few days lying in the dark. till then, well...that's what I'll be doing here.

what an awful day. no reason in particular; I've just felt really depressed. tonight I decided to just blow off laying out the paper and go to the blue hour with bryan and gabe. so I'm a little tipsy, which may affect how much sense this entry makes.

I talked to mom for a while today about how awful I feel. I think that, if there is any reasoning behind my state of mind, it's how uncomfortable/uneasy I feel with certain aspects of my life. wow, that's general. but I realized that there are only two relationships I have right now that really work without question. one, mine with my mom. she's always there, she never changes, and she always listens. it's wonderful to have your mother for one of your best friends, and I hope she knows that. two, my friendship with ali. we're so alike that it's scary sometimes--granted that's probably just because we've hung around so much that we've merged a little, but still. I can always rely on that friendship, and I hope that I always can.

I'm really sorry for anyone reading this who isn't one of those two people--everyone in my life is so special and so important, and I don't want to shortchange anyone. thank you all. but ALL my other relationships worry me to some extent, just like everything else, for some reason.

what I really need is a responsible routine, I know. it would help my sanity a lot. although I love spontaneity, I need predictable things too. I'm just too ADD to implement them. but sometimes...take this, for instance:

jeremy's waking up routine: get up. pick out clothes. get in shower. shampoo and rinse. put in conditioner. shave. rinse out conditioner. put on facial cleanser. wash everything else with body wash. rinse face. dry off. put on boxers, then deodorant. put on undershirt and cologne. brush teeth. then jeans, then shirt. moisturize face. do hair.

it must be in that exact order. if anything is off, I'll be weird all day. I just wish I could do more things that way. wake up at a fixed time. exercise. study. spend time with people who need my attention. I feel my life spin out of control at least once a day. lately more often. and it's making me depressed.

I just keep waiting for an epiphany, some ethereal event to happen and make me realize what's really wrong and what to do about it. I'm tired of being upset by everything--hell, I looked at a damn grove of trees today and thought about how it made me feel worse. ever feel like that? you look around at everything in the world, however insignificant or small, and think about how horrible it all is? yeah.

wow, this isn't very theraputic after all. time to call it a night before anyone reading this thinks I'm suicidal or something. I'm not; I just like to bitch.

such a guilford quiz...

i am open-minded!




How indie are you? test by ridethefader

You're pretty knowledgeable about music in general. You like indie music, sure, but that's only part of it.
You'll listen to any old shit as long as it sounds good to you. You're not snobby about music at all, you
just like what you like. How boring. Curiously, this makes you popular with the opposite sex.

it occurred to me that, despite the escalating tension between the u.s. and iraq, I have had nothing to say about war here. well, I'm currently reading mother night by kurt vonnegut, and I just came across a passage that struck a chord with me. this is an exchange between the protagonist, howard, and his wife, helga:

"'You hate America, don't you?' she said."
"'That would be as silly as loving it,' I said. 'It's impossible for me to get emotional about it, because real estate doesn't interest me. It's no doubt a great flaw in my personality, but I can't think in terms of boundaries. Those imaginary lines are as unreal to me as elves and pixies. I can't believe that they mark the end or the beginning of anything of real concern to a human soul. Virtues and vices, pleasures and pains cross boundaries at will.'"

wouldn't it be nice if the warmongers of the world stopped to think that we're all just human beings who happen to live on different pieces of "real estate?" the only problem is that they'd all have to think that way, eh? I think it's a great shame that the different peoples of the world have such inferiority complexes that they have to assert themselves over others to be able to sleep at night. people of other nations, races, sexual orientations, everything. sometimes we feel such a strong need to assert that we use violence to do it, which makes even less sense than slinging around prejudices and criticisms. the use of any weapon, however advanced, is primitive, barbaric. it shows no respect for human well being, which is a tangible thing. it only glorifies abstract constructs like patriotism and ego. despite whatever justification I am offered for war, it always feels more like the action of a schoolyard bully than anything else.

it's just real estate, folks. and guess what? gabe has the right philosophy about it all. in the grand scheme of things, "everyone ties." so deal.

crack crack crack. that sums it up. I wake up late in the afternoon today to see that GSO has turned into a mass of ice and overall nastiness. come dusk, it has completely shut down. bryan, ali, hannah and myself tried to go to barbecue for dinner (ali's last pork) but it was closed, so we ended up at the waffle house on high point road--like the ONLY thing open. God bless waffle house for always being there. the employees were amazingly cheerful and slightly delirious.

it rubbed off; I came back here, put on offspring's "americana" cd (wow, shades of high school) and a whimsical toboggan, and pseudo-slamdanced around my room while chugging on a 40 of olde english. pretty fly for a white guy, eh? it was incredibly amusing until I did a high jump and landed on the side of my right foot, which still hurts like hell. what was my course of action? for the next few minutes I listened to offspring while chugging the 40 and hopping wildly on my left foot. I love it when I actually have the energy to go completely insane like that. if I could do it more often I'd be a lot better off.

my car has a flat tire. I am pissed about that. I'm not sure if I'm even going to bother fooling with it tomorrow with the weather like it is. the 'rents have to send me the receipt for the tires cuz we just got them from sam's club and they should replace the bum tire for free. til then I'm at the mercy of friends with functional cars. I'm probably better off; I can hang around campus tomorrow and actually get some things accomplished instead of running off to tate st. like always.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately--must be valentine's day--and I've decided that pretty much everyone falls into one of three categories: 1) Those Who Can Have Who They Want, 2) Those Who Must Settle, and 3) Those Who Are Too Shy/Picky. that's pessimistic, I know, but I think it's true. very few people are actually #1s. tons are #2s. many, many people are #3s--their problem is that they a) either don't believe that they CAN fit into 1 or 2, or b) refuse to accept that they're not a #1 and therefore stay perpetually single. in theory I guess everyone's a #1, but few people are ever in the right place at the right time to be one. I don't know where I was going with all this. never mind.

I was looking at law schools in frisco and stumbled across the new college of california. they only work with people who want to go into public interest law, and it's a very hippy-artsy sort of place. sounds ideal. I'll have to look into it further. oddly enough, the future doesn't sound too scary today. never fear; tomorrow I'll be sucking my thumb again.

I think that the absolute worst thing you can possibly eat to give you bad breath is a bag of funyuns. I could eat an entire raw onion and my mouth wouldn't taste this sketchy. toothbrush, ho!

new weekend. today was v-day. it was nice; charles and I ended up at china king in h-p because we couldn't get in much of anywhere else, but it was good. we just hung out here after that, doing our usual things. quiet but really nice. I'm lucky to have charles, and I hope he knows how much I appreciate him.

wednesday night I was an usher at the chuck d lecture in dana (for those of you not in the know, 1. what rock do you live under? and 2. he's the mastermind behind public enemy, one of the most influential hip-hop groups of all time, ever). what an amazing speaker. I love it when my favorite ideals (i.e. higher education, individualism, tolerance) are espoused by someone who can be seen both as an authority figure and someone who's in touch with my generation. I sure hope people take his words to heart.

chapel hill tomorrow w/ali to see almodovar's "talk to her." why it hasn't opened in GSO is beyond me. at least we get to go to the japanese steak house; ali's giving up meat as of this weekend. crazy.

I've been webstreaming a lot of internet stations lately. try this one:

http://www.live365.com/stations/revolving_radio
(sorry, the damn url link thing isn't working again)

it's the best one I've found so far. of course, those of you in the listening area should listen to 90.9 fm whenever possible...especially saturdays from 2-4 p.m. :)

oh, I almost left out the most important thing. I'm typing this on "sebastian," my amazing new hewlett-packard machine. techie stuff: 256 mb ram, 120 gb hard drive, dvd-rom, cd-rw, and a top of the line sound card and speakers (not taking a chance with cheap audio hardware again!). I'm in love.

note to ashley: update your damn deadjournal. you can't still be wearing those peruvian socks.

gotta go to bed else I won't arise in time for my radio show. that would suck, as it would be the 6th or 7th time. ali just has too much fun up there alone; we can't have that.

well, weekend's winding down. friday night was kickin at the hildebrandt party. some bands that no one had heard of and a lot of incredibly drunk people, including yours truly. we had a pretty good crowd at our place, too, with john, hannah, gabe, and leslie all stopping by to visit.

it sounds so middle school, but the highlight of my evening was thus: I was wearing my "I will kiss the boys" t-shirt and plaid pants, which prompted jack hilley to randomly walk up and plant a wet one on me--the cheek, that is. "just obeying your shirt," he said, and I returned the favor. it made my life; I've had a crush on jack for 2 1/2 years and I don't care who knows it!

more kissing--I was walking up the steps and hannah kissed me chastely on the cheek and started yelling about how she'd just made out with me. "no, hannah, THIS is making out," I slurred, and showed her how it was done. she was delighted, and it was all in good fun. so aside from getting franzia sloshed all over me (at least not much got in my mouth), it was a nice evening.

funny things said under the influence of no drugs whatsoever (ahem...possible irony):
"you want to set me on fire because I think zydeco involves rice and beans?"--me
"he's gone mental on account of the witch skin!"--ashley

josh and I got pork chop sandwiches today at the snappy lunch, a rare treat. mmm...nothin like a lard laden lunch.

saw "the hours" friday night. amazing movie, but it made me feel like (or should I say "reminded me that") my life is very trivial.

when I was a kid and my family was still practicing Baptist, we had this nice minister named reverend farrah. mom likes to talk about how he held me as a baby and said, "I get a remarkable feeling from him. he's going to do great things," or something like that.

will I? how great will they be? or have I somehow already done them? what standard should I use--should I try to found a leper colony, or content myself with helping old ladies cross the street? I want so much to accomplish something, to be of some use as a human being. before that, though, I have to decide what path to take to best do it. I just wish I could wake up one morning--soon--and know what is the right thing.

all I do is bitch about the same crap over and over. next entry WILL be a change of pace. and by that I mean...

randomness:

I'd like to see an ordinance passed restricting the use of pt cruisers to taxicabs. they should all be taken over by cab companies and painted yellow. they'd make good cabs.

I really wanted an apple today, but I didn't want to go to teeter and buy one freaking apple. I thought about asking someone to steal me one from the caf, but it just felt silly.

I've been thinking in important words all day, I dunno why. "eschew" and "pontificate" keep popping up in my head to describe things. "boon" and "clandestine," too. I often write like that, but never think as such. I should write an essay on something, anything, and get it all out of my system.

tears welled up in my eyes today in my car cuz belle and sebastian came on and I felt all sad that I missed out on their contest. see, they were "auditioning" fans/reporters to come and chill with them based on 200 word essays on why they should. said fan/reporter would interview them about various things and get drunk with the whole crew (I feel qualified to do both, and I'm sure they'd agree). I didn't know that the deadline was so soon; I would have stated my case beautifully. still, can't believe I got all teary about it. hell, yes I can.

okay, I guess that's it then.

I should really be trying to sleep (test tomorrow, blecch), but I wanted to recap all the weird shit that has made up the past two days first. yesterday my alarm didn't go off (I forgot to turn it on) and I slept through my two day classes. when I woke up I was really depressed about that, so I kept making myself go back to sleep. ever done that? anyway, I finally got up and decided I was too upset to go to night class either, so I went for a drive. I drove all the way to roanoke, in fact. I bought some mill mountain coffee, ate dinner, and drove back. I felt better then.

that doesn't change the fact that I am so apt to have little "brain tantrums" like that. I mean, how many times have I "run away" from school, just gone home without telling anyone? no less than three mental health professionals have pronounced me to be of sound mind, but sometimes I wonder. it's can't just be ADD at fault. sometimes I really scare myself. a lot.

so tonight I was spending a pleasant evening with charles when my phone rang. first my room, then my cell. I answered it neither time, but checked my messages after c. had left. it was joey again, both times. wants to talk, he says. sounded friendly enough, but the timing of the call was enough to weird me out. I guess I'll give him a buzz; one call can't hurt. it's just that even hearing his voice now throws me off kilter. a lotta water under that bridge, folks. more than anyone could ever imagine.

oh, if only I can get through tomorrow. then I'll turn over a beautiful new leaf and lead a life of unparallelled normalcy. but how many times have I said that before...

okay, I'm REALLY going to bed soon, I just wanted to post one thing:

Intriguing Things Said About “the Gay” by Hot Straight (?) Celebs:

“Well, I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, so to deny it is to make a judgment.”--Keanu Reeves

“If I was gay, that wouldn't be a big deal, so why would I hide it?”—Justin Timberlake (one of Advocate’s Coolest Straight People of 2002)

“I look at Brad Pitt, and I will never, and could never, look like that. He is just incredible to look at. Period. If I were gay, he would be one of the posters on my wall.”—Matt Damon

“‘Wilde’ was a gay movie, my part was gay, I have a lot of gay mates, and Atti [bisexual actor and best friend Andre Schneider] is a good kisser. That's all I have to say about this. I won't admit or deny anything. Makes me more interesting.”—Orlando Bloom

“I honestly think I could be happy being gay, but I like women too much to make the switch.”—Stephen Dorff

“Most of my male friends are gay ... I consider myself to be straight only because I've never had a homosexual experience.”—Guy Pearce

“When we become educated, prejudices go out the window. All prejudices are based on ignorance, and as people learn more about gay men and women, they realize they're really no different, they have the same problems.”—Dean Cain

“It's cool to be gay.”—Mark Wahlberg (post-Marky Mark, obviously)

whatta weekend. last night was very amusing. my wonderful, amazing apartment-mates bought me a chick-fil-a nugget tray as a late birthday present. naturally I shared. gabe brought over a bottle of the captain, and several of us got quite giddy.

after a drunken singalong in ashley's suite, I went with her and carra to house of breakfast after we'd sobered up. after we ate carra said something like, "you know, we should really go see that big chair that's around here sometime." I replied, "wanna go now?"

so at 5:30 a.m. we found ourselves in thomasville standing around the big chair. we confused passing cars by pointing up at it. fell into bed around 7. it rocked.

I was very displeased with charles, however. he went to a party at 9 but said he'd leave and be back by 11. he never showed. he called today to apologize, writing off his negligence to an abundance of booze and bud. I dunno--I've never been so substanced that I couldn't make a simple phone call. I'm still fuming.

had a nice, girly evening tonight with ali, a whitman's sampler, and "roman holiday." nothing like audrey hepburn and chocolate to boost your outlook on life.

carra and I had a great discussion last night about how no girl should EVER tell her gay guy friend that their friendship is "just like will and grace." then, on the phone tonight, cassie did exactly that. is it really necessary to pigeonhole a relationship into a neat, tidy, pop culture metaphor? after being on the "will" end of several interactions, I can tell you that it starts to feel rather patronizing.

to those of you who haven't seen "fellini's 8 1/2," do it. I was watching my dvd tonight, and was reminded that the sequence with the dancing prostitute, saraghina, is the funniest thing in any film EVER.

sun's coming up, must be time to go to sleep.

s'been a pleasant day/night. charles is back, although I've yet to see him, grr. some apartment cleaning has brightened up the place. slept late and actually have energy for once.

ali and I went to see "far from heaven." don't waste your money. we were looking forward to it so much, and we were both disappointed. too overdramatic. seemed more like a lifetime movie than an oscar contender to me.

so last entry I wished for better dreams. I don't know about better, but try this out: it was my b-day dinner again, but this time at shoney's. josh h. brought a date--a tall, hot guy with dark hair that didn't say much. before josh he only dated chicks, so he was kind of self-conscious.

then he and josh both started flirting with me to make each other jealous. I thought it was juvenile. later a bunch of us went back to my parents' house to party--only the house was huge, with a bedroom for all 6 or so of us there.

said hot guy ended up naked in my bed and we did all sorts of fun things. I kept thinking, "why's he sleeping with ME when josh is right there?" and "josh is going to go over to this guy's room to sexually surprise him and find him gone...that may suck." alas, I awoke before drama unfolded.

so what was it? my desire to win out over josh in the guy department for once? or some half-assed subconscious way of expressing my desire for josh himself...? I mean, as long as I keep seeing him and knowing him he's always going to be on the back burner of the stove of my thoughts, heh. it's something I've learned to deal with since acknowledging that it ain't ever gonna happen. you can love someone without LOVING THEM, for cryin out loud. and I've got charles, for which I'm profoundly grateful.

gonna keep working on my bottle of wine while I wait for the evening to unfold...

blecch. four hours on the guilfordian today and the damn thing isn't done. I had to beg off to james as being tired, which I fucking well am. I get really irritated working with vera and robbie sometimes, but I wish they were here this week to share the burden.

I did have some fun tonight, though. the apartment+gabe and hannah went to the blue hour for jazz and overpriced liquors. I love that place, but it's gotta be a special occasion to warrant shelling out the dough. at least the guy playing the standing bass was hot.

speaking of special occasions, I don't like being 22 years old, dammit. 21 is the certified partying age, so once you hit 22 you start realizing that you'll have to start being responsible at some point in your life. responsibility sucks. sigh.

going to sleep soon, and I REALLY hope I don't have a dream as disturbing as last night's. for some background info, this urban legend: on the ohio players' recording of "love rollercoaster," there's a woman's scream in the background (rollercoaster, makes sense). legend was that a girl burst into the studio pissed off about something and that the manager stabbed her to death to shut her up...while the group was recording the song, and the scream was left on tape (see snopes.com for more details). it's totally untrue, but my dream last night was an exact recreation of the legend. I woke up all freaked out. bad scene. God, let me dream about sexy boys instead this time? please?

don't usually post online quiz results, but this one just made me too happy:


Which guy are you destined to have sex with?
brought to you by Quizilla

thought I'd post some more creative crap. unlike most of my poems, I genuinely like this one.

Nutmeg

We sit on the dirty rug
Stoned out of our minds
Listening to some bisexual
Folk singer, I don’t know who
And flying high above this
Dingy midtown apartment

We laugh about men
We cry about men
We color Scooby-Doo
We ponder the peeling paint
And find fluffy rabbits
In the brown water stains

Maybe we should go to the
Grand Canyon, spend weeks
Staring at the stars and reading
Rimbaud while we try to catch
Fish and end up resorting to
Beef jerky sustenance

Then again, maybe we’re both
A couple of phonies, two cubic
Zirconias pretending to be diamond
Reincarnates of the beats, Cassidy
And Kerouac maybe—but does it
Matter, as long as we believe in it

Time will tell as we age I suppose
If we act in bit plays and spend
Our last pennies hitching to the
West coast with gray in our hair
And crow’s feet from so many
Years of laughter and smiles

the most terrible thing happened on friday. charles' dad died. I don't know why; no one said, and I didn't want to push him to talk at the time. charles stayed over that night and his mom picked him up on saturday. he seems to be doing ok. I can't even imagine what I would do.

it made me think about some things. first of all, I think it's really sad that charles never came out to his dad. now he never can. I haven't really come out to mine, either, when you get right down to it. but it's such a tough thing. the dads are always the hardest. I mean, I have the greatest dad in the world, no doubt. he's a liberal enough guy and there's no way that he would stop loving me or anything crazy like that. still...there's always that fear. well, when he and mom get my wedding invitation in a few years maybe he'll figure it out, heh.

also, I really and truly love charles. we've been exchanging the l-word for a while now, and I've always felt good about it. but taking care of him this weekend brought my thinking to another level--I'm so maternal, and I always gravitate toward others' weaknesses and tough times. realizing that I can be strong for him and help him made me feel really good. so, in turn, it can be said that he made me feel really good. which brought the whole love business home somehow. I dunno. it's just nice.

yesterday was great, though. dinner at lucky 32 was awesome--we had 14 people I think, including me and the 'rents. I hung out a lot with carra and ashley. hannah was here quite a bit, too, which was cool. I wonder what next weekend will bring.

except my parents' coming made me start thinking for the billionth time how lucky I am to have them, and how guilty I should feel that they are so good to me. I am so fucking spoiled. I cost them so much money, and I don't make any of my own. so whenever they do something really nice for me I start to feel 1) guilty because I probably don't deserve it, 2) self-hatred for not being that generous myself, and 3) scared shitless because I know that there will come a time soon when I have to rely solely on my own finances, which I'm sure will not support my high standard of living. none of my immediate career plans entail making even a fifth of my dad's salary, and I may never do as well as he does now. not that money is everything, but it's something. and it worries me that I may have to do without a lot of the things I take forgranted now. anyway.

so the other night I had this amazing sex dream about "hot chris." that's this guy who...well, his name is chris and he's hot (and bi, but that's moot at the moment, ay?) it was a really vivid dream, and it keeps entering my thoughts.

well, today ali and I were stopped at the light on arcadia when someone runs up to the passenger side window and knocks--yep, him. asking me what my license plate means, heh. it was SO random. I practically drooled all over the steering wheel. I wanted yell after him "so you don't really know me, but I had this dream where..."

speaking of sleep...

thhppt.

yep, I'm back. have been for a while now. classes are fine. people are fine. as tracy bonham so wisely said, "everything's fine."

it's just that I'm having some real issues with...well, with what happens next. to quote a more respectable artist than ms. bonham, "the future is wide open." I'm not sure what to do.

in misery, paul sheldon thinks of what would happen if you replaced an african bird from a zoo back in its natural habitat. it would look around, feel frightened, and sit forlornly until a predator came along and killed it. it wouldn't be sure what to do.

I know how that feels. while guilford is certainly not a prison, I can also understand how many parolled criminals, after spending years in the pen, commit more crimes just to get back in. there are just too many options. you have to decide for yourself. I mean, you have to. fuck.

I can't believe I'm considering law school as one of my post-GuilCo options. of course I'll have to stick around here for a while boning up on background info for that, but hell--I'll be here anyway. fact is, if I don't decide pretty fucking soon, I'll have nothing. I'll have to beg blockbuster to hire me as their rewind guy or something.

on happier notes: this bastard of a PC that I'm typing on now will soon be no more. a gorgeous, gorgeous new machine is on its way. I felt bad asking mom for one, but I can't deal with this p.o.s. anymore. it crashes before windows even loads now.

also, the b-day dinner is saturday, woo hoo! I can't wait, even if we are going to lucky 32 instead of bianca's. every year there's something new. this year I have my amazing new pals carra and ashley attending as well as the amazing boyfriend. I wish I'd known them all last year. carra and ashley are people I never want to live without again. and charles is OK too ;)

time for bed. well, after watching some more of my cheesy t.v. movie, anyway.