so today was fun. ali and I went to charlotte--coffee at dean and deluca, shopping at southpark and concord mills, dinner at roadhouse, and a nice visit with josh. I bought the coolest track jacket ever and a set of shotglasses. took the shotglasses to carra and ashley's tonight where they were filled with tequila several times. partook and watched "wet hot american summer." I feel bad that I stayed over there so long; gabe came by and I totally wasn't here. hope no one wants to strangle me tomorrow.

I'm in this really self-indulgent, introspective mood now, but unfortunately I'm too tired to do anything creative with it. which is a great shame; it's been years since I've felt this wistful. c'est la vie. off to cuddle the old pillows.

ali's birthday today, whee! I was supposed to go to a journalistic ethics conference at wake today, but in all honesty, it's more important to me to 1) spend time with newly-minted 22 year olds and 2) to visit my injured friend. yeah, we're going to charlotte/concord so that we can visit josh as well. he updated his blog today, which is a good sign.

tomorrow I might have dinner with charles. I'm so pleased that we're staying friends. you know, this was the first time that I've honestly broken up with anyone, and I feel that I handled it with enough diplomacy to make jimmy carter proud. at the very least, I could probably teach george dubya a thing or two.

so I'm on this campaign to grow my hair as long as possible until it drives me nuts. for me that's not that long, really. I got some straightening stuff for it so it won't go vertical; seems to work pretty well.

after two days of cold and pouring rain it's sunny as hell and warm today. so confusing.

to blue hour tonight with bryan and gabe. had two green hornets, or as I like to call them, "liquid death:" tequila and midori. much discussion of gabe and his crush. it sure would be nice if he could catch a break.

I'm worried that lexapro is giving me headaches. I've had a low grade one all day. may have to see the doc about that.

I've been doing a lot of writing lately--prose, for a change. some of it's actually pretty good. maybe I'll submit some of it for publication when I'm happy with it.

time for beddy-bye. here's hoping that the dreams are good and plentiful...

another day at a close. ali, gabe and I were going to see "the pianist" and it was sold out. dammit, that's the second time in a row that we've tried to see a film there and it hasn't worked for some reason. then we came back and had a hysterical laughing fit over "funny wheel cars" (cars that have the continental spare thingy on the trunk) and we've decided that ali's fated to buy one. I sure hope so.

so in light of last night's grand event, I've been doing a lot of thinking about men/boys. here's a little condensed history of my interactions with them:

the power players:
father--somewhat distant, later not so, always loving. currently excellent.
brother--somewhat distant, still so, but the love's there. it's a personality thing.
h.s. best friend--acquaintance to friend to lover to boyfriend to lover to friend to nothing to friend to lover to enemy to acquaintance.

figures:
fucked: 9 (...?)
corrupted: 2 ("gay") + 1 ("straight") = 3
been corrupted by: 1
been emotionally fucked over by: 3
have been emotionally fucked over by me: 3.5

issues:
1) straight boys used to scare me
2) gay boys currently scare me
3) gay boys are all that I can have (and even that's a rare occurrence)
4) straight boys are what I want the most

current (approx):
father = good
brother = good
three great straight guy friends = fantastic, God bless 'em.
one boy haunts my dreams every night. but a dream is all he'll ever be. like the proverbial arrow, if you catch my drift. at least he thinks so...
and one boy would like to be with me forever. but something important just isn't there. more's the pity; at least he plays for the desirable team.

oh, and then there's me. he and I are getting along a little better these days. but out of all my guy/guy relationships, that one's been the toughest. and ain't no way that's changing anytime soon.

so much for profundity. more can be said for sleep. zzz...

here's what everyone is doing:

carra is rolling around on her big n' soft talking about winnie the pooh and looking like an ocelot...
ashley is practicing her founding father impersonation with a faux peacock feather...
charo is off somewhere saying "coochie coochie!"
and I am contemplating the virtues of slipcovers.

we know how to live.

well, I'm STILL too tired to make a long post tonight, but I'm using up my last dregs of energy to do this short one. nyc was so fucking cool. coming back here is like stepping into the fiery pits of hell barefoot. five days of partying hard in a different city with different people really agreed with me. there was so much debauchery--but I won't recount the details here to protect the innocent (or not so innocent, heh). sigh. well, back to the real world.

josh got hit by a car in austin on friday. the driver was drunk and came up on the sidewalk. josh got a fractured skull and doesn't remember any of it. thankfully the girl he was hanging out with was able to take care of him. everything looks to be ok, though, and he should be back here within a week.

I broke up with charles tonight. he took it well, and we're still friends and all that. I just felt that it was time to call it quits. I did a lot of thinking over break, and realized that I just wouldn't be happy in our relationship anymore. it just moved so quickly right from the start that I didn't know how serious things were going to get until they already were. I'm off the market for a while. I have too much mental weirdness to deal with for the time being...let's just say that there's a lot of very murky water that's NOT under the bridge yet that needs to be before I get back in the game.

anyway, on a lighter note (insert sarcasm here), it sho looks like the u.s. is going to war. that's a very terrible thing, but I'm not as emotional about it as some people. it sounds insensitive, but I guess I take the same head-in-the-sand approach that mom does: we can't do anything about it, so we just have to get on with our lives. I shudder to think, however, what the coming months will bring.

I'm so tired that I'm closing one eye and then the other to rest them. time for bed.

just to let everyone know, I'm back. just wrote a larger post that got erased somehow. sometimes I hate this thing. anyway, more tomorrow.