one more thing. this blog is getting like ulysses, just describing every banal detail of my life. so once in a while I'll try to stick in something creative. here's a little of my output from high school:

Great-Aunt Constance

I wonder what she was in her prime,
This waddling pear of a woman.
Her eyes are crinkled with too many smiles.
A corner of yellowed petticoat peeks
From beneath her broadcloth gown.

Perhaps she was a scholar, once.
She regales her children with tales of grandeur,
Spouting homespun philosophy reverently—
Interspersed with snatches of Whitman.
This sage, soothsayer from an era long past.

What wheels turn in her mind?
Does she see herself as a crumbling idol?
Has she ever been blessed
With a circle of admirers?
Questions that hang like the pale fall of her hair.

word of the day: yark. it fits. dad's dizzy, mom's vomitous, and I sit fuming about how crappy it is that I'm not in AL. had to stay here and be respectful and witty with relatives, bleh. no boyfriend visiting for me! or carra, for that matter. hmmph. still heading for chattavegas tomorrow, at least.

tiffany and I had a fantastic time, though, the past couple days. friday was W-S/GSO. shopping, thai food, and too much coffee. bought a leather coat at banana republic that was marked down $125 from the original price. yesterday I took her to the airport in roanoke by way of b'burg.

I hung out in roanoke for a while after dropping her off, and I forgot how nice roanoke is, esp. compared to GSO. imagine downtown greensboro if the whole thing was like south elm st. all the old buildings turned into coffeehouses, yuppie eateries, and galleries. the museums on the square. narrow streets busy with as many pedestrians as cars, even at night. and all of it spotlessly clean--and somehow european. unfortunately I got lost in the warehouse district after that and it was very frightening. still, I lived to tell about it.

and being around tiffany was really affirming. it's like having an identical mental twin. well, almost identical. but there are so many occasions that one of us will say exactly what the other has just been thinking, even when it seems random. and get this, cruel world: I just learned she thinks robots are as scary as I do. I look forward to going to NYC next month.

gonna head to wal-mart for a new cd case, as there's no room left at the inn for all the new acquisitions. will write again in 2003! wish me a new year's as delightfully debaucherous as the last.

this post follows possibly the most nondescript Christmas day ever. gran was still here of course, but everyone else was doing other things so we just sat around all day. I slept disgustingly late and didn't even get dressed. it was glorious, but the best part was the weather. I woke up thinking that it seemed way too light outside (it had been nasty and overcast). open the blinds...snow. the first white Christmas in quite a while. white stuff came down all day til we had about four inches. it's still out there, all purty and stuff. and the weatherman hadn't even predicted it!

in light of some excellent observations about the holidays I read on a fellow blogger's site, I have added links to some folks on the left. anyone who doesn't wanted their online journal associated with mine, let me know and it won't be. and neither will I associate with you. kidding.

got the GRE scores in print today. got a 5 out of 6 on the writing assessment, not too shabby. too bad I'm not actually going to use it anytime soon. I'm starting to wonder about my decision not to go to grad school yet, but I have a little time to think it over. the SFSU deadline's not until March 1, after all, so I could at least give them my stuff and see what happens. we'll see.

am about 200 pages away from being finished with the entire Harry Potter series. dunno what I'll do with my time then; I've been devoting 6-8 hours a day to reading it. damn things suck you right in.

Tiff and I are going to W-S shopping tomorrow. matter of utmost importance: music choice. we haven't driven around together at all in so long, I have to think carefully about what to expose her to on the 4 hours or so we'll be in the car. probably: Wilco, Beulah, Sleater-Kinney, Flaming Lips, Replacements, and a QFS mix. hitting highlights of each. wish me luck.

funny things about "a Christmas story" that you don't hear about on the TNT interviews:

the character of Flick was played by Scott Schwartz. he later went into the adult film biz. guess he went from sticking his tongue to light poles to sticking it...heh...yeah.

Yano Anaya (the wicked little Grover Dill) had three film roles ever. one in "a Christmas story," one in something called "the blue iguana" and...the paperboy in "better off dead." ergo, he rules.

tonight was Christmas part three. I love entertaining, but I'm so sick of it I almost just stayed in my room. tonight's roster: me, 'rents, Gran, Rick, Pam, Sheena. Cody was nowhere to be found. Sheena had a stomachache and didn't eat or speak much. Pam looked beautiful, although her health has been bad. Rick has grown a very strange beard. it's a little too thick to be a chinstrap, but it's close. words to live by: whenever you become dismayed by your own strangeness, look to your siblings.

Pam made a big tray of candy, too. I've been hoping she would for months. one bite of her creations and "Christmas miracle" takes on a whole new meaning.

most presents yet to be opened, but tonight I got the DCfC EP to complete my collection and a bottle of the Givenchy cologne. Rick got me some nice AEO pajama pants, and he didn't even know I'd been wanting any.

I've been sending out holiday e-cards like mad. I also need to call Carra and Cassie as soon as Xmas dies down to get the weekend finalized.

Tiff should be in town, but I haven't heard a word. strange. hope she hasn't forgotten my number.

anyway, back to the traditional family viewing of "a Christmas story." if I could get a buck for every time I'll hear "you'll shoot your eye out" for the next few days, I could hire actors to perform a live version next year.

okay, just a couple of thoughts.

the "sproing" noise in the background of the Flaming Lips' song "Ego Trippin'" makes me think of the breaking string noise in The Cherry Orchard every time I hear it.

I had a laughing fit tonight thinking about how some people are old. that's all, just that "some people are old." then I started thinking of old celebrities that no one hears about any more trying to get attention in public places. they'd stand in malls, wave their geriatric limbs about, and say things like "Hey! I'm freaking Tab Hunter! I'm old!" then I laughed harder.

I'm disturbed.

finished the first Harry Potter. am heading to Wal-Mart for the others. God help us all.

insomnia has prompted me to play around with the blog. I think it's more readable now. I've been tinkering around with HTML to get it to look the way I want, but blogger.com and some of the sites I've tried to link to aren't cooperating. so, right now, those pretty buttons on the right are about all the showing off I can do.

also added a guestbook. good idea to have one, J. see link above.

depending on how bored I get (and how annoyed with Blogger), I've earmarked some space for an actual homepage. IF I decide to bother with it, I'll update as it happens.

a little more stuff to relate. I won $10 on the slot machine last night at the club. that was fun. what wasn't fun was getting hit on by a forty-something pharmacist with more hair on his upper lip than his head. that was my cue to leave, blecch.

didn't go to Lotito Park tonight. Mom got out of the mood. fine by me.

I decided randomly today to quit smoking. all the crap like Nicorette is too pricey, so I developed my own stop-smoking method: gum. lots of gum. and some suckers. wish me luck. (note: anyone who belittles my efforts by saying things like "suuuuure. quit smoking? right." will be henceforth redubbed "Asshole." as in "hey Asshole! wanna go grab some dinner out somewhere?" said nomenclature will last indefinitely.)

does anyone else live in constant worry that they are somehow failing their significant other? it takes me at least a couple months in a relationship to stop feeling that way. I'm still in that mode, alas. I think I'm worried mostly cuz I found this random text file on my hard drive last night that was a big collection of e-mails that Lam had sent me. there were all these passages like "sorry you were busy today, maybe we'll talk tomorrow" and "you haven't seemed yourself lately; is something wrong?"

it made me think about how much he put into that relationship and how little I gave back. it's the one break-up that I feel truly guilty about. not that I'd want him back or anything--wonderful guy; we just weren't suited for each other--but I don't want to shortchange anyone like that ever again. I've got a pretty fantastic fella at the moment, and I just hope he walks around like a Cheshire cat the way I do. and if he ever stops smiling, that he'll tell me why. unlike another gentleman who, exactly this time last year, was stringing me along because he didn't have the balls to kick me to the curb quite yet.

spineless jerk. but I digress.

I broke down and bought the first Harry Potter book tonight. sigh. I guess it was only a matter of time.

the whole holiday shebang took place tonight. me, the 'rents, Granny, Debbie/Laura/Patrick, Jeanne, and Jim (Jeri Ann was home sick, and Aunt Debbie was home with her sick dog). went okay, but I almost didn't wake up in time to get ready for the 2:00 supper. my stuffed mushrooms disappeared quite rapidly, as always. almost no one wanted the wassail. aw, screw em. got some nice gifts, although I can't open mine from the parents or Rick until Tuesday.

dinner party last night with Sis and the crew was good too. Mom's spaghetti always rules. found a good shiraz to serve. the tiramisu turned out bee-u-tee-fully.

enough about food. two weird dreams last night, both musical. in the first I was in Binford talking with friends about "March to the Scaffold" in Berlioz's Symphonie Fantastique. that's the piece where the drums signify the falling guillotine and the rolling head of the corpse. in the dream, I realized after hearing the music that it wasn't safe for me to go outside, so I refused to leave. I was terrified. oh, well. if you're gonna have a nightmare about a piece of music, that's the one.

number two. I was sitting at some sort of autograph table with Thom Yorke and he was graciously signing various things for people and accepting gifts. one person walked up, handed him a slim blue booklet, said "Merry Christmas," and walked away. the booklet was the 1989 annual from my elementary school. Thom and I had a good chuckle over my chubby kid picture. I have no idea what that means.

on a last "note" (haw haw), Deb got me the Flaming Lips CD. I entertained the crowd with it while I taught Laura to play ERS. she kicked my ass. this semester I should really go visit her; I miss her so much! although she was totally on crack tonight. she kept throwing rolls against the kitchen cabinets and laughing manically. you can so tell we're related when things like that happen.

turned on the Game Show Network tonight thinking "heh heh, bet Betty White will be on. she's always on."

nope. Adrienne Barbeau. even better.

I am finally watching "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid." Katharine Ross is in it. we have the same birthday. only she's 62. she rules.

sadly before the flick is over I have to leave to go on a carriage ride with Mom and Dad through Lotito Park and see the Festival of Lights. I do NOT feel like it, but Mummy hasn't felt well and it would be selfish of me not to go since it'll make her happy. wagons roll.

my evening has, naturally, been consumed by listening to the B&S show. fantastic. they did 4 of the old ones: "jonathan david," "photo jenny," "the boy with the arab strap," and "get me away from here, I'm dying." of course I got all teary when they did those. lots of Christmas songs, including the best version of "o little town of Bethlehem" ever. it could only be described as swingin'. they did some with a choir, which was cool. they also did two new songs. one was called "step into my office, baby." I didn't catch the name of the other one. both were GREAT, and I hope that they announce an upcoming EP soon.

it's official; music is becoming way too crucial for me. last month I had that dream involving All Girl Summer Fun Band and Steve Albini, and last night Les Savy Fav made an appearance in a dream. the rest of the dream was sort of a movie involving Susan Sarandon moving herself and her children to D.C. for some reason it wasn't safe for them there. it all took place in the mid 70s (except for the LSF bit). strange.

I also had a dream about Gothfield (that's my dream version of Bluefield; it's very shady and there are lots of nefarious characters about. I'm always uptown and there are lots more businesses than there really are. it's much more interesting than the real thing.). I went into the library and told the desk worker that I'd checked out a book but left it there. they tried to find it and couldn't. I left and went walking up Commerce Street to my car, but it was much steeper than it should've been. I finally had to climb up a pine tree to reach the top. when I got there some scary guys were hanging around the car. then I woke up. I dunno.

last dream was about Hunky Santa. right before I went to bed I watched this news segment about a mall in L.A. where, instead of a regular Santa Claus, they have this really hot guy in a red spandex tank top and traditional Santa hat/pants let whomever come and sit on his lap. they showed all these middle-aged housewives asking him to come down their chimneys, then one cute but flaming guy who, when asked, thought for a second and said, "um...heh...world peace?" yeah. I dreamed about Hunky Santa.

I've got various and sundry things to do this eve, and should get movin.

oh, AND. in case anyone reads this in the meantime and cares. tomorrow night...I mean, tonight...anyway, Wednesday night. at 5:00 p.m. Eastern time. paste this into your browser and go (sorry but hyperlink insertion isn't working):

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/radio1.shtml

my beloved Belle and Sebastian are doing a John Peel session for BBC and will be webcasting. doin some Xmas carols, too. I'm so excited I plan on changing pants several times tomorrow. if you miss it and want to hear, they keep the shows archived at the site. God bless em.

and I love it when pals phone me, but if you value your life do NOT call until at least a couple hours after five. mommy dearest will be fielding calls as I will be making love to my computer speakers.

well, I'm at home. that pretty much sums it up. ain't doin nuthin but eating, watching reruns, and contributing to the stellar long distance bill that the 'rents will get this month. and it's only been a few days. seriously, I'm glad to have the time off. once I got my final paper turned in for K-Tins, I was able to relax and intend to do so for quite some time. my only stressor is being away from a particular gentleman who has the unmitigated gall to spend his break six hours away from me. I'll be quietly enjoying a beer and chortling at Designing Women, not a care in the world, then I'll realize that something crucial is missing. ya hear that, hoebag? it's fuckin irritating! that's it; I'm going to Wal-Mart and buying a body pillow.

getting my final grades was such a relief. skated by in Godard's with a C-, currently have a B in Tinsley (could be raised once she grades my final), an A- in COWing and a big fat A for my internship. yee haw! still pulled my GPA down to a 3.42 overall. nothing to whine about, but it'd be nice to graduate with honors (need a 3.5 for that). we'll see what I can do in the spring.

so Cassie might be moving back to the Boro. that'd be totally sweet. only she wants to share a place with me, and I'm already sharing one with J. I swear, my life is totally going to become Reality Bites. as long as I'm not Ethan Hawke's character. he was such a dick.

Xmas tree got put up tonight. very purty. parents giving two dinner parties this weekend, one for 6 and one for like 14. yeesh. why do we cram all our entertaining into the holiday season when so much other crap is going on? I...I...I...

random observation: you know, J also noticed that jock guys have a greater incidence of oral fixation than most people. five minutes into a class, pens always in mouths. I was thinking about how they often guzzle beer and how phallic beer bottles are. I've heard of many an athletic closet case. is it any wonder?

note to self: don't forget the Hey Remember the 90s you thought of tonite. hint: the program on tugboats you watched. and yes, it IS the band it sounds like.

over the past few days, some big changes have taken place in my life as a whole. first off, I've decided not to go to grad school right away. after going to school two summers out of three plus all the regular semesters, the 'rents and I agree that I need a little break. the plan for now is to stick around GSO and split a place with J, working whatever job I can find that's semi-decent. or not so decent, depending on what I luck into. it's a scary thought, I know, but it's something I feel I need to do. next year I can apply to the schools I'm interested in; I think that a year or so of living in the real world will be enough to convince me that I need to do some more time in the educational system...we shall see.

second, my "situation" has developed into a full blown...drum roll please..."boyfriend." he's wonderful. he's witty/cute/smart/devoted, everything I could want (within reason; I didn't really expect a Scottish accent). but I still haven't let my walls down, and don't know when I will. it's like I said...too many funky Big Macs...you know. I already care for him so much it's scary, and I really think he feels the same. and if I somehow get dicked over this time, I think it'll be the worst fall ever. I know I should relax and enjoy our relationship for the fabulous, amazing thing that it is, but it's not easy. God willing, the wonder of these past few days will last for a long time to come.

tomorrow...well, today...I leave for home, finally. paper's not quite done, so I'll have to e-mail it from home. I'm so irresponsible. I've just been so distracted, as everyone pretty much has. I'll be glad to get home, but sad to be away from my crew and the individual discussed in the preceding paragraph. at least T will be in town; bout damn time!

random thought: John Waters is the most lovable sicko in the whole world. we were totally diggin on Pink Flamingos last night, heh.

time to hit the hay. alone tonight and for the next month. sigh.

what a monday it's been. GREs actually went purty good: 630 verbal, 660 math. more than good enough to get me into the programs I'm shooting for. the writing section went quite well. I got to mention Yoko in an essay, and that's enough to get me full credit I'm sure.

but not until this evening did things really start spinning, albeit in a good way. without divulging too many personal details, suffice it to say that I've found myself in "a situation." you know, it's so hard to stay realistic sometimes. sometimes you just don't want to.

this analogy will serve quite well to illustrate my overall freakishness and dramatic ways in such "situations," but try this: you eat a Big Mac and get violently ill. eat another one later, get sick again. eat another one later (granted this individual is very stupid, but his behavior parallels that of people in PLENTY of other situations)...and so on.

why? because Big Macs taste so damn good that you can't help yourself. and someday, you honestly believe, you'll be able to eat one without yarking.

at the moment, my stomach's fine. but I'm not losing sight of the Pepto-Bismol.

updating my blog, what a novel idea! actually I tried not to do it not too long ago, but the wackta thing didn't post. I dunno.

GREs tomorrow morning. I'm going to be in either the best or worst mood tomorrow that I've been in for a very long time. I've studied pretty diligently, at least, so I shouldn't royally bomb. we'll see.

so how bout that grand GSO power outage? still can't believe that the apartments were without juice for over 50 hours. it was so like purgatory at night, everyone skulking around in shadow and huddled around candles inside. not talking very much, just looking. silence everywhere. I'm glad it's over, but also glad it happened. it was an experience. the question: now that we're out of purgatory, is Heaven the next stop? wow...we can only hope.

gonna sign off for now...luck be a lady tomorrow.

heh...last time I wrote I sounded pretty close to a nervous breakdown. oddly enough, later that morning I had one. totally flipped, went home, and spent three days sleeping 15 hours a night and moving very little. I actually contemplated taking the rest of the semester off. it was mostly the thought of not graduating on time that made me come back, but I'm happy to report that the minor setback is past and I'm back in the swing of things. the graduation/registration thing got straightened out, and I talked out my classes with three understanding professors. looks like all systems are go!

although I'm grateful that winter break is coming up. I need some time to shut my brain down. well...actually it stays shut down pretty often anyway, but I'd like some time not to feel guilty about it.

fabulous party last night, I must say. although I doubt whether anyone affiliated with WQFS reads this stuff--much less anyone in apartment 731--congrats on a smashing success. I only exhibited a little bit of socially unacceptable behavior. nothing unusual.

not that I couldn't run my fingers all night, but Sealab beckons.

uggh...too much pressure up in this piece. I had a five-alarm panic attack last night and couldn't take any meds for it (on top of two beers, seemed like a bad idea). not that I'm surprised or anything. and today I get another helping of insanity. there are some graduation forms that have to get in by noon tomorrow. I did not receive said forms from the registrar, although everyone else did. solution: stay up all night getting caught up on work, then scrambling for the necessary signatures tomorrow morn. after yelling at the registrar's office. I'd hate my life if it wasn't such a damn good one--most of the time.

however, I DO hate: people who get huffy when they think they're not getting the attention they deserve. not like your best friend across the hall or anything, but people who A) you were never close with to begin with and B) who demand long distance communication on a regular basis. that probably sounds insensitive (especially the latter), but it's the way I feel.

I dislike: smelling cigarettes on my fingers after smoking one (although I keep doing it anyway).

I like: mutually enjoyable conversations with vague acquaintances that I secretly lust after.

I LOVE: the BBQ chicken sandwich at Denny's.

just a few random observations:

I wonder why some people just aren't sexy. sometimes there's no rational explanation. a guy/girl can be drop dead gorgeous, funny, nice, even discuss sex with knowledge and fervor. but something's just not there. lack of pheromones, perhaps? I'm not saying that I have no chemical attraction, but I wonder if mine aren't watered down. then again, I'm also not saying I'm drop dead gorgeous.

the weather forecast lately has always called for sunny skies 3-4 days down the road from the present. they never seem to materialize. I think it's a conspiracy by the NWS to keep people optimistic. how kind of them.

in closing, I've determined that I prefer Madness as a band over madness as a state of being. it's easier to revel in bouncy old ska beats than to feel like you're going to start gnawing on trees.

bark, by the way, tastes just like chicken.

it's a rare and beautiful thing when you can have what you want most in the world. tonight all I wanted was a piece of coconut cream pie and a cup of coffee, and damn if I didn't go to Jan's and get one. now if only that could happen with anything at my command. naw, I'd make too many rash decisions. people would be dropping down dead, surreal things like crows with the heads of dolphins would fly around just for my amusement. the world would only be safe if all I ever wanted was pie and coffee.

so I've decided against taking the psych GRE this Sat. not ready for it, don't need it, don't need to stress over it. the BIG one, however. that's a concern and a half. time to cram.

so N got into Lewisburg for med school. as if I needed more evidence that she rules! also a reminder to wipe the drool off my chin and get down to brass tacks. the proverbial deadlines approach. these grad school applications feel like the horsemen of the apocalypse bearing down, only I get 6 instead of 4. lucky me.

the question is WWABD? (what would Adrienne Barbeau do?)

on a darker note, I broke down a bit today on the phone with mom. I do a good job of keeping it hidden, but the pressures are really building. as a psych major, though, I realize that it's not the amount of stuff that needs to get done. it's my lack of faith in my ability to do it. that and the fact that making decisions anymore is like playing russian roulette with my entire future.

soundtrack for today: Denison Witmer's Philadelphia Songs. a new purchase, it sweeps me off my musical feet. very choice.

last post was a ridiculously bad poem written under the influence of astonishingly bad whiskey...lest anyone stumbling onto this site read it and think it representative of my creative genius, I saw fit to dispose of it :)

so call this my first post, then. A has returned from Orlando with the rest of the journalistic crew. J will wing his way back from Chicago tomorrow afternoon, much to everyone's delight. B had a fab time at Tool. me, well...I'm still here.

although the weekend was an interesting one, what with riding in strange cars to strangers' parties and hauling people back here to sit til 5 in the a.m. smoking strawberry tobacco from a very ornate hookah. and all that squareball jazz. good times, indeed!

I'm beginning to realize why I sit up until all hours rather than going to bed like a normal human being. for a little while there, I got used to going to bed as half of a duo rather than solo. now I'm thinking too much again about sleeping alone. call it Sealy stagefright, heh. so instead I wait until I'm falling down exhausted to face the reality of hugging pillows. sure it's pathetic, but at least I can chuckle about it. and get used to it again, in time.

although I'm managing to keep a relatively positive frame of mind overall, things keep threatening to spin out of control. with GREs coming up, projects to work on, relationships to manage and EVERYONE'S life in constant flux, I'm starting to get a little crazed. it all boils down to having the rest of my life to worry about. that ain't cool. psych or journalism? what school? what city to build an entirely new life in? and what about everything in the meantime? the questions are starting to pile up faster than I can bullshit the answers. well, it all has to get done. otherwise I'm stuck in G'boro working retail and bemoaning the slackerdom that got me there. that's not what I've been working all this time for. I keep jokingly telling people that I "used to have such promise." I'm only half joking. I think the potential for greatness (or at least goodness) is still in there somewhere. just gotta dig for it.

an artistic observation: there is a cartoonish horn on a bike in front of my apartment. it's a pig. when it rains, it makes it look as though the pig is crying. poor pig. everyone covers up their bike seats to safeguard the old tookus, and it makes me wish the pig had a wee rain bonnet or something like that. alas.

enough kvetching. time to get to sleep before dawn hits the blinds.