uggh...too much pressure up in this piece. I had a five-alarm panic attack last night and couldn't take any meds for it (on top of two beers, seemed like a bad idea). not that I'm surprised or anything. and today I get another helping of insanity. there are some graduation forms that have to get in by noon tomorrow. I did not receive said forms from the registrar, although everyone else did. solution: stay up all night getting caught up on work, then scrambling for the necessary signatures tomorrow morn. after yelling at the registrar's office. I'd hate my life if it wasn't such a damn good one--most of the time.

however, I DO hate: people who get huffy when they think they're not getting the attention they deserve. not like your best friend across the hall or anything, but people who A) you were never close with to begin with and B) who demand long distance communication on a regular basis. that probably sounds insensitive (especially the latter), but it's the way I feel.

I dislike: smelling cigarettes on my fingers after smoking one (although I keep doing it anyway).

I like: mutually enjoyable conversations with vague acquaintances that I secretly lust after.

I LOVE: the BBQ chicken sandwich at Denny's.

just a few random observations:

I wonder why some people just aren't sexy. sometimes there's no rational explanation. a guy/girl can be drop dead gorgeous, funny, nice, even discuss sex with knowledge and fervor. but something's just not there. lack of pheromones, perhaps? I'm not saying that I have no chemical attraction, but I wonder if mine aren't watered down. then again, I'm also not saying I'm drop dead gorgeous.

the weather forecast lately has always called for sunny skies 3-4 days down the road from the present. they never seem to materialize. I think it's a conspiracy by the NWS to keep people optimistic. how kind of them.

in closing, I've determined that I prefer Madness as a band over madness as a state of being. it's easier to revel in bouncy old ska beats than to feel like you're going to start gnawing on trees.

bark, by the way, tastes just like chicken.

it's a rare and beautiful thing when you can have what you want most in the world. tonight all I wanted was a piece of coconut cream pie and a cup of coffee, and damn if I didn't go to Jan's and get one. now if only that could happen with anything at my command. naw, I'd make too many rash decisions. people would be dropping down dead, surreal things like crows with the heads of dolphins would fly around just for my amusement. the world would only be safe if all I ever wanted was pie and coffee.

so I've decided against taking the psych GRE this Sat. not ready for it, don't need it, don't need to stress over it. the BIG one, however. that's a concern and a half. time to cram.

so N got into Lewisburg for med school. as if I needed more evidence that she rules! also a reminder to wipe the drool off my chin and get down to brass tacks. the proverbial deadlines approach. these grad school applications feel like the horsemen of the apocalypse bearing down, only I get 6 instead of 4. lucky me.

the question is WWABD? (what would Adrienne Barbeau do?)

on a darker note, I broke down a bit today on the phone with mom. I do a good job of keeping it hidden, but the pressures are really building. as a psych major, though, I realize that it's not the amount of stuff that needs to get done. it's my lack of faith in my ability to do it. that and the fact that making decisions anymore is like playing russian roulette with my entire future.

soundtrack for today: Denison Witmer's Philadelphia Songs. a new purchase, it sweeps me off my musical feet. very choice.

last post was a ridiculously bad poem written under the influence of astonishingly bad whiskey...lest anyone stumbling onto this site read it and think it representative of my creative genius, I saw fit to dispose of it :)

so call this my first post, then. A has returned from Orlando with the rest of the journalistic crew. J will wing his way back from Chicago tomorrow afternoon, much to everyone's delight. B had a fab time at Tool. me, well...I'm still here.

although the weekend was an interesting one, what with riding in strange cars to strangers' parties and hauling people back here to sit til 5 in the a.m. smoking strawberry tobacco from a very ornate hookah. and all that squareball jazz. good times, indeed!

I'm beginning to realize why I sit up until all hours rather than going to bed like a normal human being. for a little while there, I got used to going to bed as half of a duo rather than solo. now I'm thinking too much again about sleeping alone. call it Sealy stagefright, heh. so instead I wait until I'm falling down exhausted to face the reality of hugging pillows. sure it's pathetic, but at least I can chuckle about it. and get used to it again, in time.

although I'm managing to keep a relatively positive frame of mind overall, things keep threatening to spin out of control. with GREs coming up, projects to work on, relationships to manage and EVERYONE'S life in constant flux, I'm starting to get a little crazed. it all boils down to having the rest of my life to worry about. that ain't cool. psych or journalism? what school? what city to build an entirely new life in? and what about everything in the meantime? the questions are starting to pile up faster than I can bullshit the answers. well, it all has to get done. otherwise I'm stuck in G'boro working retail and bemoaning the slackerdom that got me there. that's not what I've been working all this time for. I keep jokingly telling people that I "used to have such promise." I'm only half joking. I think the potential for greatness (or at least goodness) is still in there somewhere. just gotta dig for it.

an artistic observation: there is a cartoonish horn on a bike in front of my apartment. it's a pig. when it rains, it makes it look as though the pig is crying. poor pig. everyone covers up their bike seats to safeguard the old tookus, and it makes me wish the pig had a wee rain bonnet or something like that. alas.

enough kvetching. time to get to sleep before dawn hits the blinds.