yeah, I'm all at home and shit. I'm feeling pretty good. I had a moment earlier, though: mom asked me if I'd picked up my refund check from the business office and I just burst into tears. just because even something as simple and stupid as picking up a check has become too much of a chore for me. I was kind of joking last week when I told james that I was going to start responding to any request with "as if I don't have enough to worry about without..." well, that really is how I feel. all things considered, I don't have that many responsibilities. I just can't seem to deal with them. everything has become too much.

and much to your relief, loyal blog readers, that's why I'm going to start spilling all this to a mental health professional instead of rehashing it here all the damn time.

so on to happier things. I'm getting really stoked about the upcoming trip to nyc. our itinerary: the lion king (meh, not really excited, but it'll be fun), la boheme (am VERY excited), the guggenheim (hope it's not another damn armani exhibit), and a seminar on something-or-other. with only those four activities, I hope we'll have a good bit of free time. I'm looking forward to painting the town red with bryan (although shouldn't the big apple already be red, we ask ourselves?), and seeing the tiffany and the becka. in light of my recent blog discoveries, I might even warn sam of my impending arrival.

I know it's a little early to start looking for an apartment yet, but mom was asking me about places I was considering and I stumbled upon park forest's website. take note, josh: $629 per month would get us a sizable 2 bedroom, 2 bath place with balcony and fireplace AND washer/dryer in the apartment. pool, security, and all that. and it's not too far from GuilCo, right up on brassfield. it's the best deal I've seen. it's silly, but I get all excited just thinking about getting a place, even though it's months off.

I randomly started typing last night, and began something that I think will become at least a short story if not a full fledged book. it's rare that any of my prose is fit for anything but wrapping paper, and I honestly love what I have so far. get ready to laugh, though: it's about someone who falls in love with a theremin player. we'll see how it goes.

ah, a night in my own bed. a rare treat.

wrote three hours ago, I know, but I'm feeling better and I wanted to post enough to say that I don't feel like committing hari-kari just yet (or harry carey, for that matter; it's hard to commit a dead guy). I AM looking forward to going home, though, and talking things out with mom.

I haven't been lying in the dark after all; rather, I've been reading mrs. dalloway. like so many people, seeing "the hours" inspired me. it's so damn good, but I bought it to read over the weekend and it looks like I'll finish it tonight.

note the myriad new links to other blogs on the left side of the page. bryan gave me corinne's and it cross referenced to a million people I hadn't heard from/seen in ages (sammy's an indie kid now?! what the fuck? there aren't allowed to be cute gay indie boys! it makes life too much worth living!); as before, anyone who doesn't want their name up in this piece drop me a line and tell me to take them the fuck off. no prob.

I've been swilling down syrupy port, and it's made my tummy ache. I'm gonna take a zantac and get back to virginia woolf. may the schwartz be with you.

it's not any better today. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with me. I wonder if I need to be on antidepressants. I think I'll talk to ernest. it's long overdue.

charles doesn't deserve this. I haven't seen him in days because I haven't felt up to it. why is everything such a strain?

I missed my day classes again today. I talked to richie; one more slip-up and I fail, basically. and this is the only class I need to graduate. I just can't seem to stop myself from sleeping all day.

I'm going home tomorrow. I want to spend a few days lying in the dark. till then, well...that's what I'll be doing here.

what an awful day. no reason in particular; I've just felt really depressed. tonight I decided to just blow off laying out the paper and go to the blue hour with bryan and gabe. so I'm a little tipsy, which may affect how much sense this entry makes.

I talked to mom for a while today about how awful I feel. I think that, if there is any reasoning behind my state of mind, it's how uncomfortable/uneasy I feel with certain aspects of my life. wow, that's general. but I realized that there are only two relationships I have right now that really work without question. one, mine with my mom. she's always there, she never changes, and she always listens. it's wonderful to have your mother for one of your best friends, and I hope she knows that. two, my friendship with ali. we're so alike that it's scary sometimes--granted that's probably just because we've hung around so much that we've merged a little, but still. I can always rely on that friendship, and I hope that I always can.

I'm really sorry for anyone reading this who isn't one of those two people--everyone in my life is so special and so important, and I don't want to shortchange anyone. thank you all. but ALL my other relationships worry me to some extent, just like everything else, for some reason.

what I really need is a responsible routine, I know. it would help my sanity a lot. although I love spontaneity, I need predictable things too. I'm just too ADD to implement them. but sometimes...take this, for instance:

jeremy's waking up routine: get up. pick out clothes. get in shower. shampoo and rinse. put in conditioner. shave. rinse out conditioner. put on facial cleanser. wash everything else with body wash. rinse face. dry off. put on boxers, then deodorant. put on undershirt and cologne. brush teeth. then jeans, then shirt. moisturize face. do hair.

it must be in that exact order. if anything is off, I'll be weird all day. I just wish I could do more things that way. wake up at a fixed time. exercise. study. spend time with people who need my attention. I feel my life spin out of control at least once a day. lately more often. and it's making me depressed.

I just keep waiting for an epiphany, some ethereal event to happen and make me realize what's really wrong and what to do about it. I'm tired of being upset by everything--hell, I looked at a damn grove of trees today and thought about how it made me feel worse. ever feel like that? you look around at everything in the world, however insignificant or small, and think about how horrible it all is? yeah.

wow, this isn't very theraputic after all. time to call it a night before anyone reading this thinks I'm suicidal or something. I'm not; I just like to bitch.

such a guilford quiz...

i am open-minded!




How indie are you? test by ridethefader

You're pretty knowledgeable about music in general. You like indie music, sure, but that's only part of it.
You'll listen to any old shit as long as it sounds good to you. You're not snobby about music at all, you
just like what you like. How boring. Curiously, this makes you popular with the opposite sex.

it occurred to me that, despite the escalating tension between the u.s. and iraq, I have had nothing to say about war here. well, I'm currently reading mother night by kurt vonnegut, and I just came across a passage that struck a chord with me. this is an exchange between the protagonist, howard, and his wife, helga:

"'You hate America, don't you?' she said."
"'That would be as silly as loving it,' I said. 'It's impossible for me to get emotional about it, because real estate doesn't interest me. It's no doubt a great flaw in my personality, but I can't think in terms of boundaries. Those imaginary lines are as unreal to me as elves and pixies. I can't believe that they mark the end or the beginning of anything of real concern to a human soul. Virtues and vices, pleasures and pains cross boundaries at will.'"

wouldn't it be nice if the warmongers of the world stopped to think that we're all just human beings who happen to live on different pieces of "real estate?" the only problem is that they'd all have to think that way, eh? I think it's a great shame that the different peoples of the world have such inferiority complexes that they have to assert themselves over others to be able to sleep at night. people of other nations, races, sexual orientations, everything. sometimes we feel such a strong need to assert that we use violence to do it, which makes even less sense than slinging around prejudices and criticisms. the use of any weapon, however advanced, is primitive, barbaric. it shows no respect for human well being, which is a tangible thing. it only glorifies abstract constructs like patriotism and ego. despite whatever justification I am offered for war, it always feels more like the action of a schoolyard bully than anything else.

it's just real estate, folks. and guess what? gabe has the right philosophy about it all. in the grand scheme of things, "everyone ties." so deal.

crack crack crack. that sums it up. I wake up late in the afternoon today to see that GSO has turned into a mass of ice and overall nastiness. come dusk, it has completely shut down. bryan, ali, hannah and myself tried to go to barbecue for dinner (ali's last pork) but it was closed, so we ended up at the waffle house on high point road--like the ONLY thing open. God bless waffle house for always being there. the employees were amazingly cheerful and slightly delirious.

it rubbed off; I came back here, put on offspring's "americana" cd (wow, shades of high school) and a whimsical toboggan, and pseudo-slamdanced around my room while chugging on a 40 of olde english. pretty fly for a white guy, eh? it was incredibly amusing until I did a high jump and landed on the side of my right foot, which still hurts like hell. what was my course of action? for the next few minutes I listened to offspring while chugging the 40 and hopping wildly on my left foot. I love it when I actually have the energy to go completely insane like that. if I could do it more often I'd be a lot better off.

my car has a flat tire. I am pissed about that. I'm not sure if I'm even going to bother fooling with it tomorrow with the weather like it is. the 'rents have to send me the receipt for the tires cuz we just got them from sam's club and they should replace the bum tire for free. til then I'm at the mercy of friends with functional cars. I'm probably better off; I can hang around campus tomorrow and actually get some things accomplished instead of running off to tate st. like always.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately--must be valentine's day--and I've decided that pretty much everyone falls into one of three categories: 1) Those Who Can Have Who They Want, 2) Those Who Must Settle, and 3) Those Who Are Too Shy/Picky. that's pessimistic, I know, but I think it's true. very few people are actually #1s. tons are #2s. many, many people are #3s--their problem is that they a) either don't believe that they CAN fit into 1 or 2, or b) refuse to accept that they're not a #1 and therefore stay perpetually single. in theory I guess everyone's a #1, but few people are ever in the right place at the right time to be one. I don't know where I was going with all this. never mind.

I was looking at law schools in frisco and stumbled across the new college of california. they only work with people who want to go into public interest law, and it's a very hippy-artsy sort of place. sounds ideal. I'll have to look into it further. oddly enough, the future doesn't sound too scary today. never fear; tomorrow I'll be sucking my thumb again.

I think that the absolute worst thing you can possibly eat to give you bad breath is a bag of funyuns. I could eat an entire raw onion and my mouth wouldn't taste this sketchy. toothbrush, ho!