a disturbing occurrence this weekend. saturday night saw a full fledged panic attack, the first I've had in over a year. not a very bad one, really, but they're never fun. I'd been feeling tense all day, and finally just lost it.

which brings me to a point: I am losing it. of late I've been feeling like I'm completely falling apart. my mind wanders to places that it shouldn't go, at least not so often. I worry myself sick for no reason, I feel violently angry for no reason. I can't control my feelings anymore. my zoloft is doing its job--no depression in the mix--so that's not an issue.

but that's not the worst. until recently it was, but now I find myself acting in ways that seem beyond my control. I say things that are inappropriate, and do things that I know are wrong. I can't stand myself lately, and I'm sure a lot of people are starting to share that feeling about me. no one likes to stand too close to a loose cannon.

and it's all made worse by the concern that, if I can't control myself a bit more, I'm going to end up losing everyone and everything I care about. justin's been supportive to no end, and so far the fam and the friends have been the same. but there's only so much one human being can take--don't I know it. and deny it though they may, I'm convinced that I will end up alone if I don't start treating people in a way that they deserve.

so I guess I'm going to have to talk with dr. mckinney about more than just meds for a change. I know enough about psych to surmise that a lot of my problems have arisen from an increasing awareness of both The Past and The Future, and that I need to start really dealing with both. because every day can't keep being a struggle. wish me luck, folks.