the most terrible thing happened on friday. charles' dad died. I don't know why; no one said, and I didn't want to push him to talk at the time. charles stayed over that night and his mom picked him up on saturday. he seems to be doing ok. I can't even imagine what I would do.

it made me think about some things. first of all, I think it's really sad that charles never came out to his dad. now he never can. I haven't really come out to mine, either, when you get right down to it. but it's such a tough thing. the dads are always the hardest. I mean, I have the greatest dad in the world, no doubt. he's a liberal enough guy and there's no way that he would stop loving me or anything crazy like that. still...there's always that fear. well, when he and mom get my wedding invitation in a few years maybe he'll figure it out, heh.

also, I really and truly love charles. we've been exchanging the l-word for a while now, and I've always felt good about it. but taking care of him this weekend brought my thinking to another level--I'm so maternal, and I always gravitate toward others' weaknesses and tough times. realizing that I can be strong for him and help him made me feel really good. so, in turn, it can be said that he made me feel really good. which brought the whole love business home somehow. I dunno. it's just nice.

yesterday was great, though. dinner at lucky 32 was awesome--we had 14 people I think, including me and the 'rents. I hung out a lot with carra and ashley. hannah was here quite a bit, too, which was cool. I wonder what next weekend will bring.

except my parents' coming made me start thinking for the billionth time how lucky I am to have them, and how guilty I should feel that they are so good to me. I am so fucking spoiled. I cost them so much money, and I don't make any of my own. so whenever they do something really nice for me I start to feel 1) guilty because I probably don't deserve it, 2) self-hatred for not being that generous myself, and 3) scared shitless because I know that there will come a time soon when I have to rely solely on my own finances, which I'm sure will not support my high standard of living. none of my immediate career plans entail making even a fifth of my dad's salary, and I may never do as well as he does now. not that money is everything, but it's something. and it worries me that I may have to do without a lot of the things I take forgranted now. anyway.

so the other night I had this amazing sex dream about "hot chris." that's this guy who...well, his name is chris and he's hot (and bi, but that's moot at the moment, ay?) it was a really vivid dream, and it keeps entering my thoughts.

well, today ali and I were stopped at the light on arcadia when someone runs up to the passenger side window and knocks--yep, him. asking me what my license plate means, heh. it was SO random. I practically drooled all over the steering wheel. I wanted yell after him "so you don't really know me, but I had this dream where..."

speaking of sleep...