let's say for a moment that I am the most respected person in the world. I have all the money I could ever spend, all the power I could ever wield, and everyone is willing and obligated to do exactly as I say.

[takes cold shower, returns]

okay, so given that scenario I'd like to hire celebrities as my support staff. I've put some serious thought into this. here are the nominees and my reasoning.

valet: william moseley. because valets should be british, after all. and it would start the most delicious rumors.

administrative assistant: jenna fischer. it's less about the fact that she plays a receptionist on "the office" and more about the fact that she actually types 85 wpm. handy. and come on! pam as your gal friday! fantastic.

driver: nicholas cage. did his own stunt driving in gone in sixty seconds. and he can look really threatening when he has to. (sidenote--it would DEFINITELY be steve mcqueen if he was still living, though)

housekeeper: cameron diaz. has OCD, so should do a bang-up job. and again, good rumor fodder.

poolboy: david faustino. I actually came up with this one yeeeears ago. I'm not sure why. I just really like the idea.

chef: christopher walken. at least we know he can roast a chicken.

landscaper: rick moranis. think about it. hard, if necessary. if you still don't know why, let me know. I'll berate you briefly and explain.