AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! the horror! the horror!

dorkdom alert: I made a line graph of what my moods have been like for this first half of 2008. I began with late january because life was relatively static until then. the baseline can be said to represent "contentment:"



I'd really like to become a citizen of forvik, but I don't actively have anything against the british government. I might settle for the aerican empire, but it just doesn't seem as cool somehow, even if they do lay claim to territory on mars.

in fortune cookie last night: "bide your time, for success is near." y'know, when baked goods start giving you exactly the same advice as your friends, I think that entitles you to go on a killing spree if they turn out to be wrong. so unless you want your world to be covered in a crushed cookie sprinkled blood bath, I'm thinking there had better be some fingers crossed for the old Jermeister.

toes, too.

I could write about what life is like right now. but this video clip sums it all up better than I can.

for the first time in my life tonight, someone spoke to me with what sounded like pure, unadulterated hatred in their voice.

I just can't win, can I?

s (small) silver lining in the gas price snafu: gm wants to sell hummer.

ha, ha.

did I mention that I got my tongue pierced? it's nifty.

addictive substance: pom pomegranate peach passion white tea. wish it wasn't so expensive.

gearing up for a nyc trip next week. anybody in the manhattan/brooklyn/etc urrea wants to hang with me--not this weekend but next weekend--hit me up.

I ever meet this guy, I'm proposing marriage right there and then.

okay, here's the deal. it is now june, so for all intents and purposes 2008 will be half over as of the end of the month. I know that's not exact, but six months is six months. I'm speaking to the Hand of Fate, to the Cosmos, to whatever forces drive the business of my life independent of my own actions.

I want a do-over.

starting july first, I say we just consider the remainder of 2008 its own year. 2008.5, 2008 redux, 2008 final draft, what have you. I'd really like to see some wrongs righted. I'd like to get up every day without dreading what fresh hell is next. I'd like to open the umbrella and NOT have it be raining from underneath. and in all honesty, I'm not interested in justice. I'm not interested in what is "fair." what I want is for things to go my way this time. I ask all this respectfully and with the inkling that just maybe I deserve some better fortune than what I've experienced since this past january or so.

pretty please with sugar on top?

I remember when I was a very little girl, our house caught on fire.
I'll never forget the look on my father's face as he gathered me up
In his arms and raced through the burning building out to the pavement.
I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was all over I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a fire?"

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is, my friends, then let's keep dancing.
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is.

And when I was twelve years old my father took me to a circus--the greatest show on earth.
There were clowns and elephants and dancing bears.
And a beautiful lady in pink tights flew high above our heads.
And so I sat there watching the marvelous spectacle.
I had the feeling that something was missing;
I don't know what. But when it was over
I said to myself, "Is that all there is to a circus?

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing.
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is.

Then I fell in love, head over heels in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day he went away. And I thought I'd die...but I didn't.
And when I didn't I said to myself, "is that all there is to love?"

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing.

I know what you must be saying to yourselves.
If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no, not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment.
For I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you
When that final moment comes and I'm breathing my last breath
I'll be saying to myself:

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing.
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is.

--Peggy Lee

[author's note: okay, sometimes I feel the need to post lyrics.]

let's say for a moment that I am the most respected person in the world. I have all the money I could ever spend, all the power I could ever wield, and everyone is willing and obligated to do exactly as I say.

[takes cold shower, returns]

okay, so given that scenario I'd like to hire celebrities as my support staff. I've put some serious thought into this. here are the nominees and my reasoning.

valet: william moseley. because valets should be british, after all. and it would start the most delicious rumors.

administrative assistant: jenna fischer. it's less about the fact that she plays a receptionist on "the office" and more about the fact that she actually types 85 wpm. handy. and come on! pam as your gal friday! fantastic.

driver: nicholas cage. did his own stunt driving in gone in sixty seconds. and he can look really threatening when he has to. (sidenote--it would DEFINITELY be steve mcqueen if he was still living, though)

housekeeper: cameron diaz. has OCD, so should do a bang-up job. and again, good rumor fodder.

poolboy: david faustino. I actually came up with this one yeeeears ago. I'm not sure why. I just really like the idea.

chef: christopher walken. at least we know he can roast a chicken.

landscaper: rick moranis. think about it. hard, if necessary. if you still don't know why, let me know. I'll berate you briefly and explain.

a research study has shown that people who drive black cars tend to have self-confidence levels that are 14.6% below average.

hi, angelus. hi, eartha. does this mean that my self-confidence is 29.2% low?

because that would make sense.

also: thanks to catie braly for this link.

and furthermore: though I nevernevernever post song lyrics here, I've been listening to this one on repeat lately a lot more than is healthy, so:

"Kathleen"

all the other girls here are stars—you are the Northern Lights
they try to shine in through your curtains—you’re too close and too bright
they try and they try but everything that they do
is the ghost of a trace of a pale imitation of you
I’ll be the one to drive you back home Kathleen
this party is made with the night air and the chance that a smile
will wind its way from your face to one of the boys in your line
you act like you’re hip to their tricks and you’re strong
but a virgin Wurlitzer heart never once had a song
I’ll be the one to drive you back home Kathleen
and I’ll have you back by break of day
I’m going your way anyway
and if you’d like to come along
I’ll be yours for a song
I know you are waiting and I know that it is not for me
but I’m here and I’m ready and I’ve saved you the passenger seat
I won’t be your last dance just your last goodnight
every heart is a package tangled up in knots someone else tied
I’ll be the one to drive you back home Kathleen
so crawl up your trellis and quietly back into your room
and I’ll coast down the length of your drive by the light of the moon
and the next time I see you—a new kind of hello
both our hearts have a secret only both of us know
‘bout the night that I drove you back home Kathleen

--Josh Ritter

this is going to sound stereotypical, but there's no denying it lately. the ladies in my life give me...well, some problems, but nothing out of line. it's the men that are the issue. here's what I want: I want to sit down one-on-one with every guy that I encounter regularly--friends, relatives, co-workers, even some I don't really know--and give them performance reviews. I want to discuss their roles in my life and how they should be modified (or not). I want to give ultimatums and dictate appropriate behavior. and I'd better see note taking and attentive expressions. when it comes down to it, I might even have to do some downsizing.

bunch of lousy pig fuckers. sorry, that was my inside voice.

I...I really don't know what to say about this, honestly. I just...think people should read it.

as anyone who has known me for more than five minutes can attest, I am a devotee of all things brideshead revisited. the book is magnificent. the bbc miniseries is a gem. now there's the new film from miramax, which--judging by the trailer--glosses over the religious symbolism of the text and bbc version in favor of sensation, scandal, and even more homosexual overtones.

I can't frigging wait to see it. I am now officially a heathen.

in my years of psychological study I never remember hearing about the capgras delusion. granted it sounds terrible, but what a band name!

okay, so I'm a year late on this one but somehow I missed it until now. if you've been living under the same rock you have to watch this. prepare to have your mind blown.

several times a year I get this insatiable urge to move to pittsburgh; eventually I might have to fulfill this. unfortunately this particular urge coincides with the 'burg's being named the sootiest city in the US. sootiest. eh, I like soot. love me some soot. soot, soot, soot. no problem. I think I've finally decided on what neighborhood I'd like, too: chatham village. it's mostly populated by older folks, but $80k for a two bedroom townhome on mount washington? bring on the golden agers.

gripe: the other day I was getting coffee in starbucks (which is what I tend to do there) and noticed a policeman sitting down enjoying his beverage. nothing wrong with that. in fact, I'd go so far as to say that cops deserve coffee more than many people. however. this one had left his cruiser running outside. yep. hanging out with his coffee while the old crown vic sucked down the taxpayers' money and helped thin out the ozone layer. was he planning on being able to make a quick getaway? sure didn't look like it. and it really doesn't take that long to start a car. this would have irritated me enough without gas prices being what they are. grr.

I'm don't usually drool over daniel radcliffe the way most people seem to. but...um...well...um...







okay, that's as good a place to leave off a post as any.

strangest portent ever: barbara fritchie coming up twice in one day in two unrelated contexts. not that I should mention it. I talk way too much about omens and portents, especially when...well, actually they usually DO signify upcoming events in my life. only with me the events are usually good. great, now I've probably jinxed whatever it was. I'm way too superstitious for a Presbyterian/raised Baptist/deemed honorary Reform Jew/turned pseudo-Quaker.

regardless of how inflated or minute our egos, I think we all see ourselves as the stars of the sitcoms that are our lives. do you ever wonder if maybe you're not even on the air anymore? that maybe you're really just a supporting cast member on someone else's show? or could it be you're only an extra?

too much shep does stuff to my brain.

speaking of my brain, though, this is the second straight day I've been in a genuinely good mood. I literally cannot remember when this last happened. I'm just not going to question it.

I can't even laugh when I read this. it's way too close to being straight truth.

weirdness alert: I should really be in bed by now.

thanks for all the well wishes, all. we just might lick 'em yet.

have finally started watching "30 rock" and am unable to stop. it's not quite the greatest show ever *cough*the office*cough*, but if you like tina fey it's impossible not to enjoy it.

food for thought: in both the original ending AND the book upon which the film was based, ducky won. eat that. hint for the clueless--80s flicks, anyone?

the official wording on something that I tend to misquote...

francis: does it turn into a bed?

ida: yes, it becomes a bed. it's a special, magic sofa. it opens up for magic, lazy boy, and angels come and feed you grapes, and sing to you while you sleep, and it flies around the room granting wishes for boys who are stupid.



I've discussed with several people just what "loretta switt's automobile" should look like. I researched it and have decided it's an auburn boattail speedster. I should add that this has nothing to do with what she actually drives. just go with it.






and just for esses and gees, here's a picture of dad and I in my old wheels. I miss her.