thunderstorm tonight. first one of those I've seen in quite a while. this winter has been so bizarre.

I spent almost three hours talking to dad tonight. unfortunately the first hour was devoted to one of his economics lectures--once he gets started on 401(k)s and insurance policies and pensions and who-knows-what-else there's no stopping him. I'm just lucky we weren't in the kitchen, or he would have started to go through "his papers." that's this big file of documents that relate to his business and financial affairs. he likes to discuss them in detail with anyone who'll listen. he's mildly obsessed with "his papers;" I think he dreams about them.

anyway, the remainder of our talk was great. he had a lot of insights into my current situation that were very helpful. he thinks that I worry too much about myself as part of a collective and not enough as an individual. that's very true, I think. like with all the classes I've missed. I haven't given much thought to how they would affect my grade; I've been more concerned with how my absences affect the image that I project. and I spend so much time sitting up alone at night watching TV. I never get any time to myself during the daytime hours, so I make up for it that way. dad thinks that I need to learn to say no to people more often, spread myself less thinly, and concentrate more on the here, now, and crucial--all the while thinking in terms of how I will benefit. I need to try that; it might be the answer to a lot of my problems.

it's no wonder I like mrs. dalloway so much. I'm a lot like her.

another thing to improve upon: my fucking weight. I stepped onto scales for the first time in months today. I won't disclose what they said, but let's just say that I now weigh more than I ever have. you know what, though? people talk about feeling so much better when they're thin? at my thinnest I weighed about 25 pounds less than I do now, and I didn't feel that different, and I didn't have any more energy. I guess acknowledging that isn't much of an incentive, huh?

the damn dog got hold of a bottle of super glue tonight and chewed it all up. it's a wonder he's not dead. we now have white crusty stuff all over the kitchen floor, though. time to buy some nail polish remover.

"wild things" was on the TV last night. I'm sorry, but I really enjoy that movie. matt dillon is doubtlessly a big part of that. I do so love swarthy, testosterone laden guys who look like they can lift heavy things. you can keep your brad pitts and your matthew mcconaugheys, with their hairless gym-toned torsos and model-perfect haircuts. not enough man in those men, and if I wanted a girl, well, I'd just date one.

speaking of dating, I think I'll go make some pancakes.