worst radio edit of a song ever: "walk on the wild side." I understand the necessity for a bleep or two, but one entire verse gets cut out and the other verses are strung together. the choruses are cut, but then one chorus gets tacked onto the end. jeez, why bother to even play it?

all things considered, I have a wonderful life. my job isn't exactly what I want to be doing, but I'm lucky to have it. I have fabulous friends, a spiffy house, and the greatest guy ever to share it all with. in the grand scheme of things, this is the happiest I've ever been.

maybe it's this happiness that has made me feel so overcome with guilt about things I've done before. mistakes that I've made in relationships years past keep surfacing in my mind like corpses. several times before men--beautiful, intelligent, caring men--have hung their hopes on me, planned the rest of their lives around a relationship with yours truly. obviously I'm glad that those relationships didn't pan out, but each time I've been the one to smash their dreams. I could never do that to justin, nor would I ever want to. and I'm older and hopefully wiser now. but that doesn't stop me lying awake and thinking of the promises that I've made and broken.

a lot of it comes down to this memory that's on a continuous loop in my mind lately. I'm in the apartment of...well, let's call him fred. I'm in fred's basement apartment waiting for him to come home from work. fred loves me, and I love fred. we've been together exclusively for several months and have already spoken of a lifetime commitment. I'm sitting on the sofa when I see his car pull in. he gets out and runs down the stairs. he runs. just because I'm there.

I broke it off with him four months later, in a cowardly and juvenile fashion. but even if I'd done it diplomatically I'd be bothered. we were supposed to be the rest of each other's lives. but I think that part of me knew all the time that it wasn't right. I guess that's what really gets to me in each of these past romances. part of me knew, but I kept smiling and nodding. sure, my relationships tend to move fast, often before I realize what I'm getting into. and in each case I really did believe--for a while--that "it" COULD work. but none of these justifications can undo what I did.

maybe it just speaks to the depth of my feelings for justin that I feel this way. if anything happened to us I'd be destroyed. in addition to the "relationship survivor's guilt" of late, I've started developing disturbing takes on other issues. the remarriage of a widow/widower, for instance. if someone completely gives him/herself over to someone else who dies, how could he/she dare to make a similar commitment to another person? if the spouse was truly loved in the first place, how can the survivor even entertain the notion of picking up the pieces and moving on with someone new? call me radical, but I just couldn't.

sorry to ramble so much. but I wouldn't be awake at 6:00 on a sunday morning if I hadn't been preoccupied all night. well, maybe I can get some rest now.

the first thousand words update in a while: six shiny tate street festival pictures. wish I'd taken more, but there it is.

I'm going to try and revive the lost art of letter writing. not e-mails, not postcards, but letters. thanks to electronic communication and such, people are forgetting how to properly structure correspondence. ten years from now people probably won't be able to indent a paragraph or align a salutation to save their lives. not me, uh uh. I respect grammar too much. so I'm going to order some good quality personalized stationery and get a wax seal made with my scottish family crest on it to make em look swank. if you find this pretentious, well...yes, I agree. but it's a great idea, no? so many of y'all can expect requests for snail mail addresses from me soon, hopefully.

it's sad that so many regional department store chains are being sucked under, but I can't help being excited that the big unnecessary hecht's on bridford parkway will soon be the big unnecessary macy's.

had a swell time at the tate street festival today with carra, julie, emily, ashley, and a host of guilford characters that have made only an occasional guest appearance for the last couple of seasons. I really do need to work on infusing some new--or old--blood into the series before my life gets cancelled. I don't even want to THINK about how many millions of households aren't watching me these days.

it's official. villarosa = best marinara sauce ever. next time I go I should just ask them to fill up one of the tea pitchers with it so I can pour it over everything liberally. well, maybe not the tiramisu.

so much good stuff in the news! click on these:

sweet!
woo hoo!
bitchin!

also, I found these amusing:

Wedding Etiquette

A couple of things you should know before a Vermont same-sex wedding.....

1) On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.

2) Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have: Something bold, something fierce, Something trashy, something dirty.

3) It's customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an open bar during the ceremony.

4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating wedding cake because it's all carbs.

5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.

6) During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or handheld lasers.

7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival drag queen.

8) A local saying from colonial Northampton: A lesbian who owns a horse will never tell a lie, But a lesbian who votes Republican will leave you for a guy.

9) The wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing Let's hear it for the boy, YMCA or I will Survive.

10) The father of the Bottom pays for everything!

wouldn't it be nice if you could take a leave of absence from your life?

but I suppose, like taking a leave from work, there's the danger that you won't want to go back.

sorry. not in the best of moods lately, I guess.

this makes me happy.

just need to sound off for a minute. I read an infuriating editorial yesterday in which the author actually had the nerve to gleefully tout $4-5 per gallon gas prices as a means of sticking it to the nation's SUV drivers. I'm the first to decry the SUV craze as wasteful, but what about people in my position? I already drive a car that gets 30+ miles per gallon, but I have an unavoidable 50 mile (round trip) commute per day. moving closer to work is out of the question, as is leaving my company. given staggered shifts and varied overtime, car pooling is not a viable option for me either. last but not least, I REALLY don't need to hear opinions like that from someone in D.C., a city with a commendable public transportation system. in short: stick it.

while I'm on the subject, some more information I dug up: guy A goes to his local toyota dealership and buys a new corolla. guy B goes to the same dealership and buys a prius. both guys drive an average of 15,000 miles per year. "ha ha!" says B. "this little number will save me enough money at the pump to pay for itself!" the awful truth? over the next five years, the only way that he can come out ahead of guy A and his corolla is if gas prices immediately rise to over $10.00 per gallon and stay there. wow, let's hope not.

anyone else psyched about corpse bride? I know I am.

as for print entertainment, I'm currently reading john irving's setting free the bears. granted I've got 200 pages to go--that I will finish--but as of right now...wow, what a pretentious load of bull. we've got viennese milkmen beating horses, naked guys running outside and biting people on their necks, and policemen forcing innocent bystanders to be beekeepers. and somehow it all ties in with vietnam.

so I got to work tonight and within two hours developed a nasty headache. it got progressively worse while the office seemed to get obnoxiously bright. to cap it all off, I got nauseated. goody's powder couldn't touch these symptoms, and I had an odd suspicion as to what might be causing them. I drove home with the windows down, changed my shirt and rinsed off a bit, and shortly thereafter felt fine. diagnosis: migrane headache brought on my the scent of my favorite cologne--which I hadn't worn for several weeks. can reactions like that develop so suddenly? if so, then I guess that $50 worth of dkny be delicious will go to waste.

speaking of money, I'm stressed beyond belief. I really feel that working during the day would make me much happier at this point. with the pay cut, we might JUST be able to pay the bills...as long as josh was living with us. if he moved out and we couldn't rent his room, we'd be forced to sell the house.

and there's still another issue. working days would make me feel pressured to go to grad school. but what for? will someone please tell me what my mission in life is already? I currently have a great job that I love and co-workers that I adore. it's just that I hate being away from justin. jeez, life is frustrating.

time for current events with jeremy:

scott peterson. not one of the world's finer individuals. there's no true defense of cold blooded murder, certainly not under the circumstances in which he committed it. I'm sure that the majority is with me when I say that he is, in fact, a vile human being. I rejoiced when he was found guilty. although I'm vehemently against the death penalty, I can't muster up any sympathy for him. he's scum, vermin, a monster.

none of this changes the fact that he's hot.

go ahead. gasp, clutch your chest, think me a heartless son of a bitch. but somewhere deep down inside, you know it's true.

yeah, yeah. the bill's going to be "terminated." I get it, we ALL get it.

speaking of homos, I was driving home the other night and realized that I'd like to move to san francisco. right now. the crisp air, the great chinese food, and the stunning scenery would more than make up for the fact that the sidewalks roll up even earlier than they do here. I just have to convince justin, buy some trendy clothes so I won't feel underdressed, and find a job paying twice what I make now so I can afford to eat. then there's josh and rachel...well, I guess gso will have to do for now.

hard to believe that it'll soon be time to dry clean the old sweaters. strike me down if you want, but I'm so glad that summer's almost over. bearable temperatures, holidays, and--yes, that's right--movies that are worth watching. I've got an eye on the indies, you'd better believe it. if anyone gets to see either thumbsucker or junebug before I do, let me know how they are (note to shana: junebug = alessandro nivola. reason enough).

does anyone else find it disturbing/appalling that, despite the recent oil crisis, the wheels of nascar keep on turnin? on top of the obvious big issues that this nation has, these little issues just keep me convinced me that, across the pond, our british cousins are just shaking their heads in dismay in our general direction. of course, there's no need to look that far. I'm sure that the head shaking in canada has made the populace look like they're watching a tennis match. lucky bastards.

hallelujah!

things I learned this weekend:

1) the black gay pride celebration in atlanta is very well attended.
2) dragoncon, also very popular.
3) the previous two events, when combined, make for fascinating people spotting.
4) bone's in atl = best steak ever.
5) never try a product called "bitter apertif" from italy.

all in all, we had a fabulous time.

words to live by: "save a horse. ride a cowboy."

I spent my drive home from work thinking out the particulars of a superpower that would essentially be the ability to change people/things that I didn't like into fish sticks. talk about ending world hunger. I don't like a lot of things.

I came home and ate a lot of fish sticks, too.

[NO ADDERALL+NO CAFFEINE / HOUR OF OVERTIME] (squared) = most kafka-esque night at work ever.

best way to spend twelve minutes and ten seconds of free time: listening to "the low spark of high heeled boys" by traffic. it's also a great way to get from furnitureland south in jamestown to my parking space at work--said drive also takes exactly twelve minutes and ten seconds, give or take a chord or two.

seeing cars parked in isolated areas at night with their parking lights on is creepy.

still diggin the ipod.

am taking justin to atlanta this weekend as an early anniversary present. room at the ritz-carlton, fun at ikea and the world of coca cola, etcetera. it'll be a nice change from the norm.

my throat has been incredibly swollen for almost a week. I think it's just sinus problems. I hope, anyway.

[insert pointless, whiny complaint about gas prices here]

that's all for the moment.

it's official; I've joined the dark side. today I bought an ipod mini. but since justin did as well, at least I'll have evil company. do I need it? no. what am I going to use it for? not completely sure yet. but it looked good on paper. and it sure is cute. don't worry--I can say with ABSOLUTE certainty that I will not be putting either of the included apple stickers on any of my belongings. those people frighten me.

mom's doing really well. her physical therapy is intense but not impossible. tuesday's her birthday, and I wish I could be there for it! josh's was today. he'll enjoy being 24. there's something unsettling about one's age being a prime number. my 23rd year kept me on pins and needles.

that's pretty much it for the excitement. besides, it's either put the laundry in the dryer or let it mildew. I'm thinking dryer.

update: do NOT buy the plastic test tube shooters. ever smelled airplane glue? imagine that odor as a taste.

well, it's the apocalpyse. after ten years of dial up my parents got dsl. I just don't know what to do.

anyway, mom's surgery went great. she's in some pain, but not from the leg--instead of doing the surgery under general anesthesia they decided to go the safer route and use a spinal anesthetic, and her back is bothering her. but she could get to come home as early as tomorrow, probably monday if not.

I got to see my aunt and uncle in the hospital as well, the ones who live in winston-salem. funny to drive this far and visit with them here.

tonight I took justin to the liquor store here (NOT the abc store) to show him fun stuff that you can't buy in nc like premade jello shots and plastic test tube shooters of peppermint schnapps. I only wish that we had ghetto pleasures like that down south!

that weekend at home is happening sooner than I thought. my mom fell last night and broke her hip. it's not serious enough to require replacement, but she has to have surgery in the morning. I'm headed home in the afternoon. keep her in your thoughts, y'all.

since I work in the transportation industry I probably shouldn't say things like this, but you know those big pieces of shredded tire that semis leave in the middle of the highway when they get a flat? am I the only one who thinks that the drivers should have to go back and pick those things up? they're a menace.

for years I've enjoyed the dubbing of kernersville "k-vegas," and yesterday I heard an appellation on the radio that's almost as good. the lexington area called "l.a." north carolinians will appreciate that.

I've decided that what my life really needs is a big dose of trouble. not trouble with the law or anything, but a sort of close encounter of the drunken kind with a crowd of mixed company. I need to get kicked out of some store or other. I need someone's significant other (not mine, naturally) to get annoyed with me. I need to find myself deep in conversation with people that I don't even like. remember that ideal party I mentioned a while back? this would be a good time for it.

I'm just vexed that my life has become so socially insular. I love the odd night out with nadine, heather, and crew, but they're too few and far between to curb my appetite. other than the people I live with, I can only think of two people in gso now that I could conceivably call and hang with, and then there's the problem of finding the time. being a grown up sucks. if you're reading this and haven't gotten there yet, PLEASE have some wanton fun for my sake!

not that life isn't about to get a bit more interesting. rachel's living with us for uncg's fall semester; she moves in tomorrow. I have no objections to one of the world's most beautiful and charming women living under my roof, of course, and her financial contribution to the nor'easter household is welcomed.

on the lighter side, my dad came down last sunday and fixed my lawnmower (which I nearly destroyed after hitting a vent pipe in the yard), and I'm going up to bluefield next weekend. I've always loved my parents more than words, but I have such a heightened appreciation of the time I spend with them now. I boggle at what a little shithead I was as a teenager--I'm so glad the three of us got through it without any lasting trauma (other than my own guilt complex).

I've typed my way from one end of the triad to the other. time to stop.

the powers that be are against my getting from point a to point b, for some reason. my usual route home from work is completely closed off, and every alternate that I've tried is either closed or seriously under construction. it just isn't fair. a 30 minute drive home is bad enough without having to traipse down every acussed woods road between here and trinity to get home in under an hour.

las vegas is attacking the high point furniture market with one of their own. this is a bad thing. I'd like to ask my faithful blog readers to join me in being part of the solution: boycott las vegas! it's quite simple. just don't go to las vegas. I'm also considering sending blank postcards to the vegas chamber of commerce to show them just how NOT in vegas I am. another thought: anonymously mail them printouts of travel itineraries to atlantic city and/or reno. viva las vegas my ass!

lately I've come to believe that if my life gets any more banal I'm going to lose all coloring and appear only in black and white. all retro coolness aside, I don't think I'd like that. boring boring boring boring boring. jeremy's world, the big snoozefest. granted I'd rather have boring than bad, but I could do with a little interesting/good.

I've discovered the best comfort food ever: graham crackers (the honey ones, not cinnamon) and nutella. yes, lately I've been getting very comfortable indeed with that combination.

I really hate it when people refer to their son/daughter as "the baby" when the damn kid is old enough to walk and talk. this idea is unfortunately supported by I love lucy, in which little ricky is referred to as "the baby" until he's about twenty-three years old. if you are such an imbecile that you can't remember your toddler's proper name, you shouldn't be a parent.

I don't even want to talk about the approaching dawn of the school year. I dread it just as much as justin and josh, if not more. I've gotten used to justin being around all day, every day. I'm feeling lonely already (and yes, I know that I'm clingy and dependent, but if he doesn't mind neither should you).

I should read audio books for a living. all the best male narrators are named jeremy...well, my two favorites, j. piven and j. irons. just hand either one a cereal box and have them whisper sweet nothings of thiamin and niacin into my ear.

speaking of, justin and I have begun lists of rules to enforce when we take over the world. one of mine is that jeremy piven will no longer be allowed to remove his chest or stomach hair. he will be required to check in for an inspection every two weeks to ensure that it is intact. if not, he shall receive six months in prison, followed by six months of probation, during which time he must always wear a t-shirt in public with a picture of patrick warburton and the caption "this is what a real man looks like" on it.

sorry. it's a big deal with me. trim if you must, guys, but a little fur is a good and manly thing.

anyway, I've got totino's crisp crust pizza to eat.

sorry it's been a while, but most of what has gone on lately has had me too perturbed to even bitch about it here--not good, eh? one of the tires on the miata blew out the other day. after fix a flat failed to repair it and I discovered that I was without the tools to install the spare, I had no choice but to slowwwwwly drive it home (could have called aaa, but I guess it just didn't occur to me at the time). anyway, I DID call aaa the next day for a tow...which took two hours to arrive. I go ahead and get taylor's auto to put four new tires on. I drive out of the parking lot and hear/feel a horrid scraping coming from the troublesome wheel. turns out part of the trim had been knocked loose and was hitting the tire, rendering the car undriveable again. finally I took it to city motors where they repaired the trim properly for free. best place ever. but anyway, it was a dreadfully annoying week.

trip yesterday: to concord to shop and buca's in pineville to eat. great stuff, as always.

finally got around to mowing the lawn this evening...although the mower hit some kind of vent pipe in the yard and sheared the top off. guess the water folks will have to come out and take a look.

I LOVE JUSTIN SO MUCH! (sorry, just really wanted to see it in print at the moment)

I think most people know the term "nymphomania," but did you know that that word can only apply to females? if you want to call a boy a horndog, you have to say that he suffers from "satyriasis." just a fun word to be able to throw around.

I could spout off random crap for hours, but the damnable heat has drug me out. I think I'll collapse under an air vent for a while.

since I moved I've found the best bridge in greensboro. it's a little one on 16th street called the billy "crash" craddock bridge. attractive railings and a sweet little hump in the middle that can leave a flutter in your stomach if you hit it at a decent speed.

of course I had to look into who this craddock gentleman was. since I find it amusing--because it's almost absurdly thorough--I've posted here an excerpt from the minutes of the june 3, 2003 greensboro city council meeting at which the structure was named:

147-03 RESOLUTION NAMING THE 16^TH STREET BRIDGE IN HONOR OF BILLY “CRASH” CRADDOCK

WHEREAS, Billy “Crash” Craddock has served as an unofficial ambassador for the City of Greensboro for many years and in many places throughout his worldwide career in entertainment;

WHEREAS, the youngest of thirteen children, Billy Wayne was born June 16, 1938, at what is now 2406 Hubbard Street in the White Oak community just south of 16^th Street where he became known as “Crash” Craddock while playing high school football for Rankin School;

WHEREAS, his singing career began when he was a member of a group known as the Four Rebels who played for the teenagers at the Fairview Recreation Center about 3 blocks from the 16^th Street bridge;

WHEREAS, his music career was launched after an appearance on the Arthur Godfrey Show, which led to nine number one records and appearances on The Dick Clark Show; The Academy of Country Music in Los Angeles and in Nashville, Pop Goes The Country in Nashville, Nashville Now, Crook and Chase out of Nashville, The Grand Ole Opry and The Wellborn Brothers Show;

WHEREAS, national and international stardom in the music world has not kept Crash from his roots in Greensboro where he has remained throughout his career, raising three children, playing the role of father, brother, grandfather, neighbor and friend to those in his hometown;

WHEREAS, Crash’s lesser known but important appearances include a benefit softball game for autistic children of North Carolina; an Asheboro benefit enabling a loan payoff to the children’s ball field; Hospice benefit in 1999; and many additional hours to benefit those in need;

WHEREAS, it is both deserving and appropriate that the bridge located on 16^th Street be named in honor of Billy “Crash” Craddock.

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED BY THE CITY COUNCIL OF THE CITY OF GREENSBORO:

That for the many years of devoted and outstanding services rendered to the City of Greensboro and its citizens by Billy “Crash” Craddock and as a deserving tribute the City Council does hereby direct that the bridge on 16^th Street shall be named the “BILLY “CRASH” CRADDOCK BRIDGE” in honor of this dedicated citizen.

(Signed) Donald R. Vaughan

on celebrities:

there's not a lot to be said for ann coulter, but the woman's legs are right up there with rupaul's in terms of overall quality.

it's taken me 24 years and numerous viewings of will ferrell's snl routine, but I've finally realized how funny robert goulet is.

am I the only person who thinks that demi and ashton make a positively adorable couple?

the only celebrity whom I believe should actually have a reality show: phyllis diller. even if all she did was play bridge in every episode, I'd rather watch her than hulk hogan any day.

ongoing drama: did NOT find any bookshelves yesterday, although a great meal at the cheesecake factory was had.

more of same: probably a good thing that we didn't find any, because I had to go out and spend $360 ($280 after rebates) on a new monitor tonight after the old one died. okay, so I didn't HAVE to get a flat screen. but damn it looks good.

tomorrow is officially the last day I'm a resident of 4109. worked like a trojan (one of mom's expressions) for hours today to get the place cleaned out and still am not quite finished. looks like I'll be celebrating the 4th in the empty apartment with the vacuum cleaner.

speaking of the holiday, I almost drove off the road last night when I was startled by a neighbor's giant uncle sam figurine on the roof of his/her porch. menacing.

boyohboy, do I need to take a shower.

went to sheetz for a sandwich and fries after work, a not uncommon activity for me. what WAS uncommon, however, was waiting for thirty minutes for my food. my past several experiences at the revered establishment have not been up to par. I've written a scathing e-mail to the company. grr.

going to durham today to look for bookshelves. it's becoming too hard to convince myself that the cardboard boxes on the living room floor are working as a decorating scheme/storage system.

my neighborhood has an ice cream truck AND an avon lady. I knew there was something edward scissorhands-esque about this place.

I'm reading a most enjoyable book, boogaloo on second avenue by mark kurlansky. unwanted side effects of reading said book are eating too much rich pastry and confusing the hell out of everyone by peppering my conversation with even more yiddish than before.

schluffy time.

well, I'm back online now in the new digs. what with the hellish experience of moving and all I haven't had much time to update. but the house is looking better than I could have imagined. scores of people have been in and out, installing things and repairing little flaws that we've found (so far just a crack in the window moulding and a bubble in the foyer floor, nothing big). I'll have to take some photos and post them as soon as all the boxes are unpacked and everything put away--probably sometime in october.

and yes, I got my dyson. it's all that they say and more. justin mentioned that the design reminds him of the proton packs in ghostbusters. although I'm glad I don't have to strap it to my back, it's not a bad comparison.

the security system was installed by adt today. burglars beware. it's nice to have, especially since I'm not accustomed to living up here yet. it's creepy. no sirens, no traffic noise, no drive-thru speaker at taco bell. and dark! I think I might actually have seen a star the other night. hard to believe all this is ten minutes from downtown. well, with all the recent residential and business development it could be a limited time only deal, but hopefully it'll last a while. seriously, though, a new house's foundation gets poured every week. literally.

speaking of development, demolition of the old carolina circle mall has begun. I am so upset that I didn't try going in and exploring it first. can you imagine a better prospect for urban exploration than a derelict two-story shopping mall that once had a ice skating rink in the center? it's a wet dream. I may try poking my head in yet, although I might cover it with a hard hat first.

almost time for work. that hasn't changed.

so this morning justin called the attorneys and found out our final closing costs on the house. we had initially been quoted about $1400.00.

$396.

so I'm getting my dyson vacuum now.

sorry that I haven't been as punctual with the updates as usual lately, but the bulk of my time has been consumed with packing boxes and doing other move related things. I haven't gotten an ulcer yet, but give me time.

I enjoy spending so much more time with justin, naturally. under his good influence I've actually been getting up at the previously unheard of hour of 1 p.m. yowza.

a new link on the left so that everyone can keep abreast of what laura's up to.

also, a new system. my guestbook will stand--and feel free to take advantage of it--but in case anyone wants to comment on a single entry (and by that I mean you, shana, since no one else cares about me enough to comment on my blog), just click on the wee plus sign at the end of said entry.

and it's off to do a little shopping.

oh, and: upstairs neighbor? not dead. such a disappointment.

we had the final nor'easter walk through on friday and went back today to measure for blinds. so I took and posted quite a few interior pictures in the gallery. some are serious, others I took some pseudo-artistic liberties with. take a look.

back in gso after a nice weekend in wv. I love visiting my parents, but it always makes me emotional. being back in my old house reminds me of how much simpler my life used to be, and how much ambition I had. and even though I know it's melodramatic, I find myself thinking that my family is disappointed in me, and that I don't deserve all the support they've given me over the years. I know the former isn't true; the latter may be. I'm just hard on myself--I've always been my own harshest critic.

moving day is drawing nigh. craziness. so is the rilo kiley show. happiness!

my latest product endorsement: cool mint moisture shave by kiss my face. you'll never apply a razor to anything else again.

time to shower so I can have hair UNlike alfalfa's. wow, I'm an anachronism.

P.S. speaking of anachronisms, this website is fuh-nee.

it's official: I have become a disgustingly conspicuous consumer. I just ate over $6 worth of smoked salmon in one sitting. actually, one standing--I was too much of a pig to even leave the kitchen counter.

I've become concerned that my upstairs neighbor is dead. he just moved in last week; I saw him once and said hello sometime last wednesday. but I haven't seen him since. his blinds are never opened. but what really triggers my suspicion is that his car clearly hasn't been moved since we spoke. some tree or other released a hurricane of seed pod things last week, and the ones on his bmw remain undisturbed by wind or wiper. did he go out of town in another car? strange thing to do right after a long distance move (bless him, he's from new jersey). I hate to think that I'm sharing my building with a corpse.

I'm still angry with myself for not dragging my ass out of bed and watching the burlington building implosion on monday. the first major implosion here since 1971 and I sleep through it. if you feel my pain, wfmy has some nice video.

in response to justin's entry: amen to that!

sorry about the lack of updates to the nor'easter gallery, but until recently most of the work has taken place on the interior; the exterior completion just sorta exploded. but check out the new pic (author's note: webshots is being a big ol bitch as of publication, but keep checking back)--as you can see, we almost have a finished product. just need to get the trees, bushes, and major appliances and we're set! got a great deal on the insurance, too. a month and counting until the move...I get tired just thinking about it.

it's a few days late, but:

five things i learned at the greek festival in w-s on sunday:

1) at times, greek folk music sounds suspiciously like prog rock. I mean, you KNOW goblin must have toyed with a bazouki at some point.
2) cheap white wine tastes much better when you call it retsina.
3) you can get nesting dolls painted to look like pretty much anything. space shuttles, the beatles, and most importantly...nuns.
4) compared to other ethnicities, there seems to be a startlingly high number of muscular men under 5'10" who can claim greek heritage. just my type...gives "greek love" even more happy connotations.
5) greek coffee goooooooooooood.

so yeah, the greek festival pretty much kicked ass.

due to inclement weather I drove cedric to work today--such a good car! it's a shame I don't use him more often, but what a petrol guzzler. and in 'phelia I have the added perk of knowing that I can take 25 mph curves at 50 without even squealing the tires. not that I'd, ahem, know anything about that.

another misheard lyrics experience: in robert palmer's "simply irresistible," one hears the line "that kind of love is mythical." for me it was once "her cannelloni's mythical." I wish it really was. I love the idea of mythical cannelloni. can't you just picture fauns and satyrs dining on pasta while unicorns graze nearby and lutes play in the background? I know I can.

haw haw.

According to the "Which Big Lebowski character are you?" quiz:

Why don't you check it out? Or we cut off your Johnson!

some literature, for a change.

I firmly believe that less than one percent of the world's population understands the true nature of homosexuality. as far as widely published writers go, I'd narrow that to less than one-tenth of a percent. and yes, I am including ACTUAL homosexuals in this number.

I know that it's a grandiose statement, but I have come to the conclusion than jonathan kellerman may be the only author I've ever read who really has a grasp on homosexuality. in case you weren't aware, kellerman is a wildly successful and prolific mystery/crime writer known for the "alex delaware" novels. delaware is a psychologist who spends more time entangled in l.a. crime scenes than he does in his profession, much to the delight of kellerman's faithful readers. delaware is a confirmed hetero, but his best friend--an lapd detective named milo sturgis--is gay. alex and milo pool their resources, trap the bad guys, and crack the cases.

these books are not pulitzer material. kellerman has come under fire for poor character development, faulty logic, wild coincidences, etcetera. all the bugaboos that plague nearly every mystery writer, in other words. but the alex delaware novels are fantastically entertaining reads, and I enjoy them a great deal.

so back to my original point. what makes milo sturgis THE gay literary character? well, let's see. he isn't known for his fashion sense. he sure as hell wouldn't be caught dead clubbing. he doesn't idolize judy garland or burst randomly into selections from rent. most importantly, neither he nor his partner is tragically succumbing to AIDS.

it isn't just that kellerman has made milo's character non-stereotypical. it's that his sexual orientation just doesn't matter. milo's homosexuality might get mentioned once in an alex delaware novel, and in general that mention seems primarily to clue in the first time reader who has picked up a book in the middle of the series. milo is "cop." he's "friend." he's "human being." being "gay" isn't even near the top of the list. which is why jonathan kellerman is one of my personal heroes. his own life clearly doesn't revolve solely around identifying as a heterosexual; he recognizes the inherent sensibility of this and applies it to a homosexual character. and God bless him for it.

have I been reading alex delaware novels lately, then? nope. what I've been reading is john irving's a son of the circus. some of you may have heard me discuss my history with irving. how I hated garp and swore off him forever. how I finally deigned to read the hotel new hampshire and changed my tune, and how a widow for one year cemented my eternal love for the man.

a son of the circus is far too complex a novel to summarize--at 800 pages, that's not surprising. but from the first chapter I was hooked, and was tempted to deem the book my favorite irving yet. have you ever loved a book so much that you slow down toward the end, dreading its conclusion? that's what I did. but finally tonight I got to the epilogue. one of the main characters has recently discovered that a close friend (almost a son, really) is gay after knowing him for forty-odd years. so this character, an educated and worldly man, starts volunteering at an AIDS hospice "to understand him better."

huh?

oh, john irving. I think I may have to give you a rest for a while.

and speaking of depression, a heart wrenching piece of news for the old greensboro crew:

wild magnolia's is no more.

stupid people not paying their taxes. dammit.

I'm starting to forget what it was like to make it through a night without feeling depressed.

since I've promised no more cryptic one liners, I'll expound. my job. still like it okay, but hate how it restricts the rest of my life. so I should change to day shift. pros: more time with justin and the ability to go to school at night. cons: money, money, money. I worry that I won't even make enough to pay my bills--if I leave the company I definitely won't. and what of school? what should I study? nothing motivates me but bigger paychecks, and no degree (with the possible exception of computer science, and jeremy don't play dat) guarantees a better job.

for right now, it's a moot point. I can't afford to consider a change until we're settled in the house. so for right now, I stay depressed.

yeah, that's enough expounding.

the best word to describe life of late is bleh. but I think I know what could fix it. a party. I don't want to give one, nor do I want one given for me. just to be there. here's approximately how it should go:

9:30. I arrive with several others. Just a few have showed up so far, ten tops. Pleasantries had, drinks made.

10:00. I start to worry that the evening may be a dud, but someone interesting shows up with liquor and the news that more people are on the way. Within the hour, the stereo’s blasting and 30+ folks are milling around. A circle of pot smokers forms—I don’t partake of course, but take comfort in knowing that it’s there. Someone shows up that I don’t particularly like, but everyone else is friendly to him/her so I assume that I’m missing something.

11:00. Feeling buzzy, I get involved in a conversation with several people that I barely know in which philosophical and intellectual topics are bandied about. We discuss that we don’t see each other enough. Hugs are given and empty social promises are made—at some point within the next week pictures of said embraces will be developed and sent my way. Sidenote: historically at this point in the evening, I would have picked out a guy at the party as a potential make-out/hook-up partner and would increase my liquor intake to lower my inhibitions. As I’m very much spoken for these days, I decide who it would have been and hit the booze harder anyway.

11:30. A good friend of mine is tipsy and bitter about a negative interaction with someone else there, whom he/she is avoiding. For half an hour we retreat to a corner. I sympathetically listen to his/her ranting until he/she begins to feel better, after which we chuckle and quietly ridicule the offending party while watching him/her across the room. Again in a good humor, we rejoin the fracas. The undesirable who arrived around 10:00 leaves and everyone proceeds to discuss their hatred for said person. I feel vindicated.

12:00. Power hour. At least one indie rock song prompts a drunken chorus that makes me think, “Damn! I’m glad I know these people.”

1:00-2:00. Two people get partially or completely naked, two mysteriously disappear and reappear, and word makes the rounds that there are at least two people there that no one knows at all. I make good natured sexual overtures to my straight guy friends who won’t be offended by it. Someone says something hilarious that I write down on scrap paper. The next day I’m still sure that it was funny, but have no idea what the scrawl on the paper says.

2:00. I see someone that I’d rather not, and drag the 11:30-12:00 friend on a drunken walk to the nearest convenience store/supermarket for something as an excuse to hide. When we get back in half an hour, said person is gone. Close call. During the interim, a crafty drunken partygoer has been cooking—some surprisingly good snacks, probably involving fresh baked goods.

2:30. Just as the evening seems on the verge of winding down, someone shows up that everyone knows and loves—he/she lives out of town now, but is visiting. The party gets a second wind. An hour of reminiscing and gossip during which one or two ninety-pound weaklings finally throw up, lie down, and trudge home.

3:30. People begin to trickle out.

4:00. Six or seven of us remain; we sit on the porch quietly talking—the stereo has been silenced—until the residents of the house have all gone to bed.

4:45. Three or four of us are hungry, and the most sober of the lot drives us all to a 24 hour eatery for breakfast.

6:00. Stumble into own apartment, unsure of how I got there. Fall into bed and asleep around dawn.

This doesn't have to be followed exactly; it's a flexible guideline. If anyone is willing to attempt to reproduce such an evening, let me know and I'll bring the hooch.

all of justin's hard work on children of eden really paid off; his performance was stellar. the show itself was marvelous, of course. I know it sounds selfish, but I'm glad that justin isn't involved in any more theater projects for the time being--seeing each other so little was getting stressful.

I'm a big fan of the new hot hot heat album, elevator. critics be damned, I say it's a stronger record than make up the breakdown--they've proven that there's more to the band than being just "catchy." although it's still a hell of a lot of fun.

the whip's really cracking at the office. replacements for poor performers are being trained at the moment. a meeting was had last week, the gist of which was basically, "brace yourselves, because a lot of you are on borrowed time." thankfully my quarterly review was solid and I shouldn't have any reason to worry, knock on wood.

I'm discovering that terry pratchett's a lot of fun. huzzah for audiobooks!

time for some snackage.

rants.

I'm getting really tired of people who think that their life experiences give them carte blanche to be bitchy to all humanity. you think the world's given you a raw deal? boo fucking hoo. grow up, get over it, and start showing a little decency and consideration for other people.

I'm also tired of being the one to go to for all the favors, the one who can rearrange his life for other people, the one who won't expect anything in return. news flash: I expect plenty in return. I don't begrudge any of my friends anything that I can give, but fair is fair. if that makes me selfish, selfish I am.

too many people have this image of me as a doormat. maybe ten years ago, but not now. try to walk all over me and you'll find me standing on your back wearing cleats.

(author's note: oddly enough, no events have prompted all this tonight. no one specific has made me angry, and nothing has happened today to tick me off. I guess I'm just hormonally pissy. that doesn't make me any less sincere.)

I know the whole point of the game is to come up with the best answer yourself, but just in case you ever need to resolve a dispute this is phenomenal.

by the way, did y'all know that pam grier is from winston-salem? just what I need, more evidence against the home team in the ongoing gso v. w-s coolness debate.

update: have just learned that jackée harry is too! but--sorry to disrespect the dead one and his loyal fans--the annoyingness that was howard cosell was also. which just about cancels both out.

ha! I've always wanted to be a rake. next stop: cad!

Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake

You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many. The minute you meet anyone, you can make the crave you almost immediately. You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss. A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

randomness.

note to self: cut back on cryptic, whiny, one/two line pleas for attention when posting in blog.

I ask again, why do I never have any money?

I could never be a vampire. giving up garlic would be a fate worse than undeath.

you don't hear nearly enough about leona helmsley these days.

go here. donate money. get bracelets.

I drove home from work the other night with ophelia's top down. in the rain. it was totally sweet.

it's funny how a significant other really starts to become "your other half" after a while--the same comments, the same jokes, feeling incomplete when apart, etcetera. "better half?" well...maybe.

I must diet. if I start looking much more like an eggplant, I'll try to eat myself. which, I suppose, would take some of the weight off.

googling the phrase "miserable failure" ought to link to this blog.

sorry about the negativity. guess it's been one of those lives.

one of my favorite things is stopping for a railroad crossing at night, when I'm one of the few cars on the road. I turn off the engine and roll the windows down. I love listening to the sounds that the signals make. they hum and squeak as the barriers rise up and clatter into place in the wake of the train. I don't think many people think about that; they focus on the whistle and roar of the train and the ding of the warning bells.

I stopped for one tonight--in the middle of all this incredible fog to boot--and just wanted to share.

in an alternate universe, it's mid day in new york. there's a breeze blowing--the collar of my corduroy coat is turned up against it, brushing the back of my shaggy hair. in my left hand is a coffee from the hungarian pastry shop; in the right, a super 8 camera. I'm walking past the cathedral of st. john the divine and wondering if I'll get any good footage today. I'm trying to remember what's playing at the quad tonight, and who might be free to go. I'm wishing that I'd brought my gloves. I stop for traffic at amsterdam and 109th and for a few seconds turn my face up to the sky, thinking about how fantastic it all is.

yep. life is getting dull around here.

How evil are you?

I have just about had it with shoddy filmmaking.

a guy in the military is NOT going to have a thong tanline.

jeez. I could make such superior porn. it's all in the details.

I want to take a moment to talk about a very special man in my life.

he knows how important kind words and a smile are to me, and never fails to come through.

when the rest of the world closes their eyes and turns away, he's there.

so many people are unable to understand my lifestyle, my comings and goings at odd hours. he never complains about that, accepting it as part of the way my life works.

whenever I see him, he acts like I'm the only person on earth that matters--but for the two of us, the world could be empty.

and he knows exactly what it takes to make me happy.

he's the late shift pharmacist at walgreens. thanks for the zoloft refill, m'man. you rock my world.

speaking of pics, the new miatas are coming soon. I'm not sure how I feel about 'em. thoughts?

new nor'easter pic.

I watched vanishing point for the umpteenth time tonight.

I'm thinking of changing my name to "kowalski." just the one name, first and last.

but maybe I should sleep on it.

I have to find out what's going on with my finances. last week I got the biggest paycheck I've ever had, thanks to working that sunday. guess how much of is left?

zip. or thereabouts.

I don't feel like I spend that much money. yet twice recently my account's been overdrawn. I'm just going to have to put myself on a strict budget and stop using my check card. too easy to lose track of everything.

however, extravagance aside, I'm going to try and put some money back each week toward a new dyson vacuum cleaner. for some reason I'm fixated on getting one, especially since the old 'lectrolux has become nearly impossible to maintain.

enough excitement for one day.

do you ever wake up, think about your life, and say, "no thanks. I don't want any of that today." yeah. it's one of those days.

You Know You're From West Virginia When...

You only knew one or two Republicans as you were growing up. You actually know someone who has sold their vote for a bottle of liquor. You've never seen a local ballot with anything but Democratic candidates. You think Senator Byrd should be nominated for Sainthood. You've seen Senator Byrd's name on a sign in front of a bridge or highway construction project. You know what commodity cheese is. You've been asked to give someone a ride to the post office on "check day." You know what "check day" is. You have avoided the post office on "check day." You've seen a picture of John L. Lewis hanging on someone's wall right between the picture of Jesus and JFK. You know who John L. Lewis is. You know what a Tipple is. You know what a slate dump is. You played on a slate dump as a kid. You know someone who actually did go to Pruntytown. She same guy got his head shaved and "fell down the steps" at the court house a couple of times before being sent off. Everyone who works at the court house is related to someone else who works there. You sometimes call a paved road "the hard road." You know someone who has driven to a neighboring state to get "real beer" instead of the 3.2 stuff. You've bought fireworks from the same guy with the real beer. The state where this guy went might be called "O-hi." "Vacation" means driving through Wyatt on the way to Morgantown. Down south to you means Kentucky. Stores don't have bags; they have pokes. You cook green beans for hours. You know what a real tomato is, and have a recipe for candy ones. Your parents have threatened to have you sent to Pruntytown. You can watch someone order a hotdog and know in what part of the state they live. You know that Serpent Mound was not made by snakes. You know at least one couple who went to Virginia or Maryland to get married. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from West Virginia.

Get Your Own "You Know You're From" Meme Here



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I need to get away, and I'm taking suggestions on where to go. I want to visit a city that I've never been to. I'm willing to fly, but I'd still prefer one east of the mississippi since I'll have a limited amount of time and don't want to spend all of it traveling. major destinations I've already done: d.c., new orleans, savannah, chicago, and new york. doesn't have to be a big city, just somewhere interesting. feel free to give me idears.

I'm afraid the windsor crew is building much faster than I can keep up with their work. a few nights ago I drove by and saw that the first floor was framed--bare bones, but exciting stuff--and went back to take a picture today. yeah. check out the nor'easter gallery to see what has transpired.

on financial matters:

the earnest money on the house is paid! construction is really humming along; pics to be posted soon.

filed my tax returns today. owed federal and got back state--I ended up being a little over $100 to the good. so much for a grand refund. but at least I'm not in the hole.

in light of my adventures making my car payment, a haiku:

the check must be mailed
scowling bankers lie in wait
buy stamps? pray, with what?

I'm not sure what my "most prized possession" would be, but my car is high on the list--ophelia, my little go-devil. if pressed I could probably come up with 100 great reasons to own a miata, but tonight I thought of the greatest one of all:

you never have to worry about a psycho killer hiding in your back seat.

on today's episode of murphy's law: whenever you're in a hurry, you get stopped at every red light between points A and B. however, say you're driving while attempting to do something that really should not be done while operating a motor vehicle--eating a qdoba burrito, for example. inevitably every traffic signal, even at the notorious freeman mill road/florida street intersection (which has made many a poor soul late for various functions, I'm sure), will be green. which is why I finally had to break down and finish my dinner in the gateway commerce building's parking lot and was late to work.

the first "walk through" of the nor'easter is tomorrow afternoon. I get to hear all about drywall and things.

actually had to work last sunday for a bit. how can america be such an obese country with so many people buying nordictracks? they can't ALL be using them for creative plant stands.

I can't decide which are more annoying, ATMs that actually advertise themselves as "24 hour banking" that are "temporarily out of service" at off hours (yes, BB&T, I'm talking about you) or post office stamp machines THAT ARE COMPLETELY DEVOID OF 37 CENT STAMPS every single time I check. hmmph.

new nor'easter pic posted today.

it's a few days late, but I forgot to mention what a nice v-day weekend justin and I had. dinner at restaurant j basul noble in high point and chocolate all round. best of all, we got to celebrate negative hiv test results! so if anyone needs any prophylactics, you know who to see--they're gathering dust, and for once that's not a bad thing.

my feelings for justin have changed...in that they've become more intense than ever. he's gone from simply being part of my life to being the most crucial element of it. every day I'm thankful--and amazed--to be with someone so intelligent, talented, funny, sexy, loving, etcetera. he's everything I ever wanted, and everything I didn't even know I wanted. to all my friends in need of some love, I wish the same for you. but not from justin. he's taken.

new gallery in thousand words. not much to look at now, I know, but hopefully it'll get more interesting.

so I read that mary kay letourneau and vili fualaau are getting married "according to a department store registry." after a little digging I found out which one it was and checked out their list. they're getting some nice stuff. most of the registry's been purchased, but a pickle dish was still available. I'm so tempted to buy one and have it sent.

lately it's becoming more difficult to ignore willow's resemblance to a lemur. hmm.

I think that if I become much more stressed I'm going to explode in a fiery ball of acid (of the reflux variety). it pretty much comes down to my job, honestly. it isn't stressful per se--far from it; I still enjoy my work--but its impact on the rest of my life is bringing me further and further down. I just have to keep reminding myself that I can't even consider any changes until we're settled in the new house. too many things between now and then that will cost money.

even worse is that I stay stressed over the good things in my life. have you ever valued something so much that you worry about losing it--to the point that it's impossible to get any mental peace, or even enjoy the aforementioned thing as much as you should?

I'm becoming as neurotic as a carrie fisher character.

once again, I find myself wishing that my life was as simple as it used to be.

a bit of personal philosophy: when you say "you're pretentious," what I hear is "I am dismayed that my mental capacity is too base and meager to allow for the good taste that you have. although my stubborn pride won't allow me to voice it, I salute thee."

the double fudge coca-cola cake is back at cracker barrel. hallelujah!

nice visit with parents yesterday. it's a shame that bad weather delayed their coming for so long, but they finally made it.

it's one of those weird days when, for some inexplicable reason, I'm looking forward to going to work. very odd. although not as odd as those nights when it's time to leave and I think, "no! give me more work to do!" I think that's happened twice.

sunday we signed the contracts for the house, yay! it should be finished on june 24th. soon I'm going to set up a really annoying webshots gallery to which I'll add pictures every time a nail is driven in. we also selected our interior colors and materials, which was dramatic. picture me flinging myself over a table littered with plastic chips and carpet samples and crying, "NO! I simply cannot live with those countertops!" well, it wasn't that bad. but it took some time to reach consensus on everything. now if we can just get our lender(s) to do what we want. we've got loan approval, but we're not happy with any offers so far. get it together, people. I've got a credit score in the 700s and full documentation of a healthy income, so you will kindly do my bidding and not fuck with me.

oral-b brush ups are such a good idea. why didn't someone think of them years ago?

once again I should update my film blog with more info on this, but I just don't feel motivated. suffice it to say that napoleon dynamite was one of the most disappointing movies I've ever seen. also on the short list of most boring and most pointless. what am I missing here?

hopefully I can fall asleep soon so that I can hit great clips tomorrow and take advantage of their $5.99 sale. isn't my life a hoot?

so I've started taking these B complex mega vitamins. I think they've already done a lot to lower my stress levels--not one hysterical crying fit since I've been on 'em. B vitamins are also supposed to lessen "mental confusion." so why did I lie awake for an hour the other morning pondering this: if kato kaelin, johnny cochran, and judge ito were the three stooges, which ones would they be? I'm open to ideas on this one, but be prepared to justify your choices.

colleen parked next to me at work last night, and I noticed that she has a bush/cheney sticker. I really did not need to know that about her. it must be haverized.

haverize - verb. to purposely forget unpleasant or unwanted information.
source: the friends of bartleby slang lexicon, revised edition, 2005.

I've never been a tonight show fan, and so was unaware of the existence of the fruitcake lady until I was sent one of her video clips in a forward. I truly believe that she is the funniest human alive. if you've got high speed internet, watch some of these hellaciously amusing clips.

willow's in bed, and it looks comfy. off I go.

I hate to make yet another bitch/moan post, but I feel bitchy and moany. everything's going all right these days--floors dry, house financing underway, all that--but there's just too much of everything. I need a break. just three days, I think. three days away from everyone and everything, just a comfy bed and books in a quiet place. too bad it won't happen anytime soon. but as soon as march rolls around (that's when stuff at o.d. will become less strenuous; we bought out another freight company and are adjusting), I'm gone. ain't sayin where or when, just that I'll be back. and I can't wait.

willow's surgery went well. get to pick her up tomorrow. poor baby!

not a lot else happening, so I believe I'll go eat some breakfast.

the floors are almost dry, but now my toilet's leaking--the same one that was fixed a few months ago after my bathroom turned into a swamp. for those of you keeping track, that's NOT the same bathroom that had the shower curtain rod fall down. THAT bathroom is the one that had no faucets when we moved in. I'm seriously considering starting a separate blog to chronicle the pitfalls that occur in 4109.

but matters with the house are really taking shape. it's so much fun, like building a house in the sims. only real. with real money. that the bank will hopefully give us. that's the most pressing issue at hand.

the snow that was predicted didn't really materialize, mostly just rain. but it's sooooo cold. another fun electrical bill for next month.

gotta go run some more laundry through the dryer. the one upside to the great deluge of ought-five is that my room will wind up being cleaner than it's been for a while.

my day.

woke up, as per usual. showered, like usual. began walking to my closet...squish. half of my floor was soaked through. the whole closet. the hallway. josh's bedroom. seems the imbeciles that park forest hired to work on the water lines fucked up. I was livid. thankfully maintenance cleared things up right away after I went in the office and pitched a fit.

but the incident has just made it easier for me to say this: DO NOT EVER MOVE INTO PARK FOREST APARTMENTS! I've never known of a complex to have so many problems. we've been without water several times without being notified. we had those lovely big holes in the ceiling for several days. the men who came to reinforce the patio left their junk everywhere and took a looooong time to do their work. these fucking buildings must be made out of balsa wood, they need so much done. but when it comes to what I need done personally (i.e. the water leak of last fall), maintenance is nowhere to be found. the office staff is nice enough, when they're there--usually they're not, even during regular hours. I can't wait to get out of this hellhole.

that said, I'm going to bed. at justin's, since the noise of the carpet drying fans is somewhat distracting.

it's so odd to be up and sitting around the house on a monday afternoon--I'm usually either asleep or at justin's. but mlk day has given the teachers some freedom, and we're all just chilling and watching the simpsons here. if we end up moving into the new house during the summer the neighbors won't know what to think, since we'll all be home like this every day. we're a little too old to be college students, and the neighborhood's too nice to live in on welfare. I'd hate to get a reputation for being independently wealthy. it'll make us a target for burglars.

speaking of the house, finally got out to ridge view and spoke with the builder rep yesterday. walked through a house like the one we want, and it was great. I don't foresee any problems with financing--justin and I are co-signing, and my credit score is over 700 as it is--so I hope that construction can get underway soon. LOTS of pics will be posted.

my moods are still up and down, and I haven't been able to get dr. mckinney on the phone yet. will keep working on that.

the 'rents hit town on sunday for my pre-birthday birthday dinner. anyone reading this is welcome to invite themselves!

I've been trying to be a better correspondent, as per my new year's resolutions. I've gotten in touch with many old friends lately and am loving it. the only problem is for them to find time in the afternoons to hang out with me.

enough time wasted at the computer. time to waste more time on the sofa before the grind!

a disturbing occurrence this weekend. saturday night saw a full fledged panic attack, the first I've had in over a year. not a very bad one, really, but they're never fun. I'd been feeling tense all day, and finally just lost it.

which brings me to a point: I am losing it. of late I've been feeling like I'm completely falling apart. my mind wanders to places that it shouldn't go, at least not so often. I worry myself sick for no reason, I feel violently angry for no reason. I can't control my feelings anymore. my zoloft is doing its job--no depression in the mix--so that's not an issue.

but that's not the worst. until recently it was, but now I find myself acting in ways that seem beyond my control. I say things that are inappropriate, and do things that I know are wrong. I can't stand myself lately, and I'm sure a lot of people are starting to share that feeling about me. no one likes to stand too close to a loose cannon.

and it's all made worse by the concern that, if I can't control myself a bit more, I'm going to end up losing everyone and everything I care about. justin's been supportive to no end, and so far the fam and the friends have been the same. but there's only so much one human being can take--don't I know it. and deny it though they may, I'm convinced that I will end up alone if I don't start treating people in a way that they deserve.

so I guess I'm going to have to talk with dr. mckinney about more than just meds for a change. I know enough about psych to surmise that a lot of my problems have arisen from an increasing awareness of both The Past and The Future, and that I need to start really dealing with both. because every day can't keep being a struggle. wish me luck, folks.

hmmph. an unfortunate realization: for the first time since I've been working at o.d. I am flat broke. stupid car insurance. well, at least the bills will get paid. barely.

willow had her first trip to the vet on monday. she did very well with her shots. she had worms, though--got that taken care of. she goes in for spaying and declawing in a few weeks. I'm against declawing, but with the liking she's taken to my furniture it's either that or she goes back to live with mom (who would have her declawed). and I couldn't part with her!

a very exciting development: although I've been planning for some time to buy a house this summer, it turns out that I may get to have one built! there's a new development in northeast gso (read: EXTREME boonies) that offers stunning custom built houses at prices that are actually quite reasonable. it's not my ideal location--not ghetto, just rural; the nearest starbucks is at least fifteen minutes away--but if I live anywhere else in the city I'll probably have to settle for a condo or townhouse. and this way we can get things just the way we want. the three of us go out there on sunday to talk shop.

somehow I've got to scrape up the money to see the dentist. my gums are in bad shape, despite my persnickety oral hygiene. I refuse to taste blood around the clock if I don't at least get the sexy stigma of being a vampire.

realized something very important about justin today. he's even more amazing than he was yesterday. can't wait for tomorrow!

speaking of tomorrow, it's today. bed.

I had one of THOSE nights at work. I've gotten so used to my job being predictable and smooth that the slightest little thing going off kilter gets me bent out of shape. if there was liquor in the house I'd say I need a drink. but wishes, horses. I'll just say I need kool aid. that I can satisfy.

still not over the ring. it's like when you first go out driving alone after getting your license. it feels great, it feels like the thing to do. but at the same time it feels naughty, like you're expecting someone to stop you. well, ain't nobody stopping this, muthafucka. if the world comes to an end tomorrow, vows are getting said during the apocalyptic fallout.

I always make resolutions, and I always break them. the sensible thing to do is not make any.

my resolutions for 2005
1) lose ten pounds.
2) until april, save every other paycheck for the house. after april, save at least $100 per week.
3) be a better correspondent where my friends are concerned.
4) make a definite decision about my career path and schooling.
5) be the best fiance in the world.

number five is of most importance. it encompasses keeping my relationship happy, healthy, and interesting, being open minded about wedding plans and contributing good ideas of my own, and getting said plans arranged in a timely fashion.

yikes. losing ten pounds seems pretty easy, eh?

so I was going to wait a bit on this, but since justin did a blog post and it's all too easy to link there from here, now seems to be the time.

I got an engagement ring for Christmas.

did we move fast? sure we did. but I'm just as sure that it's the right thing. I wouldn't have accepted otherwise. I really believe that neither justin nor myself has ever been more sure of a decision. although there's still some shock yet to wear off. I keep looking down at the third left and thinking, "wow, it's there. it's really there." it seems impossible, somehow.

answers to FAQs:
1) Christmas night, about 11:30 pm. us, the floor in front of my unused fireplace, our other gifts and torn wrapping paper surrounding. it was inside a box inside a box inside a box inside a box. no official popping of the question--he was that sure, dammit. my reply to unasked question: "you did remember my size?"
2) white gold with five diamonds. the pics were blurry or I'd show y'all here. soon he'll be receiving one from me...seems only fair.
3) spring/fall 2006. gives us time to get the house settled and make the needed plans. and gives justin time to come to his senses, should he make the unfortunate choice to do so.
4) we might go to ma or vt, not sure yet. but there will be a ceremony/reception in nc.

but the whole sitch helps answer one of my questions too, one that's been buggin me for years. several times I've thought I've been in love, but it never lasted. I once asked a wise friend her advice. her take was that, if you can easily imagine spending the rest of your life with someone, then it's love. that seemed sensible enough. but now that I've got the real mccoy, I know that it entails a lot more.

for one thing: can you easily imagine spending the rest of your life without said person? if not, that's a good sign.

for another: does every dream of yours, every goal you have, everything you strive for, suddenly have new meaning and purpose? by that I mean--do you suddenly start thinking of those things in terms of how they apply to your relationship? another good indicator.

however, listen up, folks, because THIS is the strongest sign of all: you know you're in love when you realize that you're scared as hell...all the time. you're afraid because, no matter how wonderful things are, there's always a chance that something could happen. maybe nothing with either of you personally, but something caused by outside forces. you're afraid because, if something did happen, your life wouldn't mean anything anymore. and all the little scares, all the phobias, everything that you've feared before--none of it frightens you for the sake of "me" anymore. it frightens you for "us." that's love, friends.

but I'll tell you something else. it's worth it. I have much more than I deserve; chalk it up to being incredibly, insanely lucky. as unsure as I tend to be about my future, it's wonderful to feel so certain about something so amazing.

I'm the happiest guy in the world.

a few Christmas pics in thousand words. more to come.

as per usual, Christmas day was a slow one--lots of sleep for yours truly. the evening got off to a rocky start, but ended on a high note truly worth writing about. but not tonight. in a few days, once I collect my thoughts a bit more...

well, Christmas eve certainly was interesting. never spent part of it in an emergency room before. mom slipped and fell in the kitchen, hitting her arm on the barstool. the resulting bruise/blood blister was so nasty looking that a trip to brmc was in order, we all thought. the doc on call basically laughed us out of the hospital for being hypochondriacal (?), but better safe than sorry.

aside from that, things were good. the absences of madame matthews, mademoiselle phlegar, and monsieur bucher were notable and for the most part regrettable (translation: debbie and laura had to stay in pennsylvania this year. oh yeah--patrick did too). rick and pam, gran, aunts and crew were all about. the food was great, and the presents were better; lots of dvds for me this year! no snow, unless you looked at the top of the mountain. eh.

the holidays wouldn't be the same without booze, and I've discovered that I like white port. but I'm worried that drinking it is in bad taste, much like imbibing white zinfandel or wine spritzers. so don't spread it around.

jamie oliver = hot. I just watched him wash a cucumber. why can't my eyes be that blue, or blue at all? since that's not technically possible, why can't contacts agree with me more?

some guy online was talking about not being "biosexual." what the hell is that, wanting to hump flowerbeds? idiot.

the house is going bump in the night. either the dog or the ghosts are restless. either way, I'm used to it here.

I've loaned mum my copy of brideshead revisited until my birthday. that's brave of me, I must say. speaking of birthday, my amazon wish list isn't going anywhere. haw haw. hee haw, even.

speaking of hee haw, minnie pearl would be in bed now. I'll try to be more like her. well, the way she was. not now. she's dead. I'll sleep. not the big sleep. just a little one. a night's worth. or thereabouts.

hershey's take 5 is the best candy bar ever. I haven't been so profoundly affected by a confection since my first fizzy bottle cap. everyone buy lots of them, because if they're discontinued I'll lose my will to live.

I wonder if I shouldn't talk with my friendly shrink about my views on sex, as it has come to my attention lately that they're skewed to a distracting point. I've always said that sex is sex: no strings, no violins, just 2+ people making each other feel nice. I've certainly had my share of encounters like that (the exact number is classified info, not to mention open to interpretation--besides, I like being a man of mystery). I've got no regrets, and feel no shame. but when I hear about other people behaving all freaky, I can literally get sick to my stomach just before I climb on my high moral horse. and there's not a lot I haven't done, so on top of nauseated I feel hypocritical. it's like I feel so threatened by sex--maybe because I've never been afraid to use it as a weapon myself. doctor jekyll and mister hyde warring within. could be I do have regrets. are they about what was or what might have been? I just wish I could stop making it such an issue.

that said, my current sexual behavior is perfectly respectable. by liberal standards, anyway. thank you very much.

now that it's available on dvd, I recommend that everyone (especially john irving fans) rent the door in the floor. good stuff; the section of the novel that it adapts is the most faithful adaptation I've ever seen. hmm...petrified fountain post? it's been a while.

I never create anything anymore. my goal for the upcoming week is to write something, even if it's just a freakin haiku. or take a few decent pictures. the mental stagnation is intolerable.

speaking of intolerable and/or upsetting things: stupid forsyth county getting the new dell plant. grr. also, almost as bad as "kewl" is abbreviating people as "ppl." grrrrrrr.

almost time to pack up the pussoir and head for the hills. and a hap-hap-happy holiday to all!

today's word to the wise: don't let the cowboy hat fool you.

st. peter's basilica has a coffee bar.
fuh-nee.

ha! how perfect.


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great weekend. went with justin, josh, and rachel to the matisse/picasso exhibit at the nc museum of art in raleigh. I love museums. great works of art--even mediocre ones--intimidate me, but stir me in such wonderful ways. and seeing them with rachel is even better, since she seems to know which ones I should find intimidating! then to cheesecake factory for dinner and southpoint for final (theoretically) Christmas shopping.

you know, I hate to rain on anyone's holiday parade. and I hate even more to sound like a right-winger; anyone who knows me well enough to be reading this knows that I'm not. but I have real issues with non-Christians celebrating Christmas. I understand that, regardless of religious beliefs, it can serve as a time for togetherness and goodwill and family and all that good stuff. but for so many people, the only excitement to be gleaned from Christmas seems to come from exchanging gifts, decorating, and eating slightly better food than usual. take away the religious aspect of the holiday and there's not much left. it seems so hypocritical to me that there are people unwilling to acknowledge Jesus' greatness yet will use His birth as an excuse to party. I'm by no means intolerant--you'll never catch me trying to convert my atheist/agnostic/Buddhist/Wiccan/what have you friends. and voyage isn't going to turn into "scary Christian blog." it's just this one thing that bothers me. chalk it up to another one of my weird quirks.

I really will try to upload some new pics to my webshots account soon. I just need to snap and scan a few more.

jeremy's product endorsement of the moment: zilactin. you can feel that stuff working.
jeremy's product condemnation of the moment: cetaphil. jeez, plain water does just as well.

undecided on new year's plans. I actually DON'T have to work on either the eve or the day, so something's gotta happen. ideas?

the most annoying thing in the world:
spelling "cool" as "kewl."

emmet otter's jugband Christmas is now available on dvd. anyone want my vhs copy?

scene from my life:
(jeremy rummages in desk, takes out ballpoint pen, scribbles on paper, sighs)
"why can't I ever find a functioning pen, dammit?"
(puts defunct pen back in desk drawer for the nth time)

now I'm really going to sleep.

what a wretched few days. on wednesday I woke up sick. not starting to feel sick, not on the verge, but full on sick. went to work, but not on thursday--went to urgent care instead. it seems I've caught a highly contagious virus that basically causes your stomach and intestines to go on strike, as well as causing fever and aches. I felt well enough to go to work tonight, but I'm so weak; I can't eat anything at all without seeing it again a short while later. supposedly it'll blow over in a day or two. I just hope no one I know gets it. only then will they understand the true meaning of the word hatred.

I bought a swank leather chair at garden ridge on sunday, and since then have been trying to arrange transportation to get it here. I think I'm going to have to resort to ratcheting it to the top of the volvo. if only I could get an old woman to sit in it on the way home, a la granny clampett.

justin is the greatest guy in the world. I know that's a non sequitur, but it just felt right to say.

off to get some sleep that hopefully won't be punctuated with trips to the fabled porcelain goddess.

I dreamed last night that I was working in a dairy. dream dictionaries are a load of crap, but if you believe them that's one sweet omen.

picture this: everyone you know.

picture them: knowing everything about you. everything.

now answer this: where did everyone go?

I hate to quote myself, but I'm quite proud of a comment I made on tonight's lunch break:

"if the apocalypse happens tomorrow, someone's gonna have to resurface the ice."

I could explain. but do you really want me to?

big news: changed shifts at work. I'm now a 7-3:30 employee. the extra hour in the evenings is nice, and there's some real closure in staying at the office until everything is done. and no more of that 5 o'clock friday crap.

I believe that I'm having some delayed aftereffects from the 2004 presidential election. until recently, my reaction was: "damn. bush won again." now, it's: "damn. bush won. again." what was left of my disappointment has turned into full blown dismay.

for anyone who's interested, my amazon.com wish list is posted just in time for Christmas--just search for jeremy ball (I'm the one in greensboro, duh). and please support triad health project: all you gotta do is, rather than going straight to amazon, go first to josh's blog and click on the amazon.com link on the right side. details of the fundraiser are also posted there. for all your holiday shopping needs.

by the way, how the hell did december get here so fast?

it's good to cry once in a while. right?

what I want for Christmas: a 9 to 5 job.

position: I dunno, whaddya got?

location: gso metro.

salary: $35000+

my resume: I have a nearly valueless B.A.; its primary use is to make people think that I know what I'm talking about. I'm a charismatic self-starter who's qualified for just about anything, provided that it's nothing. I do NOT have 2-5+ years of experience in "the field," and won't be able to get it unless some poor sucker hires me. I'm detail oriented when it suits me. I'm independent and have experience successfully delegating responsibility and managing task forces (read: I'm a pigheaded boob who doesn't play very well with others). my strong suit is my uncanny ability to consistently show up on time (give or take 10 minutes), do my job relatively well, and leave as quickly as possible.

please contact me for a copy of my portfolio. if you want one without mustard stains, give me a while.

and now: back to our jehosophats, who are really jumping!

the holiday has improved my outlook considerably, I must say. thanksgiving was marvelous, especially since justin was able to be there! a few days at home--and off work--have been just the thing for helping me chill out.

trips home always have an odd effect on me, though. being in my old room takes me back to being 7 or 8 years old or thereabouts, back when your parents took care of everything for you. when nothing was more complicated than figuring out how much to charge for a cup of lemonade. when you could say, "I'm going to be...when I grow up," and no one would laugh--because growing up was so far away it was easy to reach for the stars. it all just makes me think about where I have to go from here, where I can go from here. I really want to make 7-8 year old me proud, somehow.

it's time for a shower and a nice, lazy-yet-semi-productive sunday.

o.d. has put all the 6 o'clock folks on the 5 o'clock schedule for the rest of the month. as a result, the 18,956 things that I don't have time to do already aren't going to get done until december.

I have no money set aside to christmas shop. I have no money set aside for the house.

the apartment is a disaster. my cars are dirty and filled with junk.

I barely have time to eat anymore. when I do, it's usually fast food that is making me gain weight again.

I realized the other day that part of me was hanging in there waiting for some extended sort of vacation. real world update: I don't get those anymore.

my life has turned into one gigantic headache. stop the ride; I NEED to get off. at least for a little while.

notice a new link at the top of the page. click and see. as time permits, much more will be added. note: if there's anything there that your mother shouldn't see, feel free to drop me a line and it shall be eradicated.

news flash: once again, I have a functioning cell phone. same number. call, message, pester.

weekends rule. I'll just come and and say that without hesitation.

someone needs to buy me this. there's no price listed, but I'm sure it would be reasonable to ask for as a Christmas gift.

justin got the scorpion tattoo on thursday. if he gets any hotter he's going to spontaneously combust.

on that subject, I'd like to take this opportunity to send out a message to all the losers out there who've dicked me over in the past (sure, puns intended). upon comparing each of you to the current squeeze, I find that you all have several things in common: you're ugly, stupid, mean spirited, and generally quite lame. thank you so freakin much for giving me some of the most hellish moments of my life. I'm making time with the greatest guy in the world these days. since there can only be one, you obviously are not. eat it.

conversely, a shout out to the fellas who've done me right, and there are several of you: thanks for the memories. I'm sorry that things didn't work out; I still love y'all. some of you probably want to spit at me in the street, I admit--that you never have makes you paragons of human kindness. I hope that you're all living well. you give homos a good name.

I really like the phrase "half past give a damn." I'm also quite fond of "frumptious wheeze." even if they do have completely different connotations.

I think a great superpower to have would be the ability to predict when a radio station will play chaka khan. useful, and how!

man, picking up stakes and moving to vancouver really does look better every day.