so today was fun. ali and I went to charlotte--coffee at dean and deluca, shopping at southpark and concord mills, dinner at roadhouse, and a nice visit with josh. I bought the coolest track jacket ever and a set of shotglasses. took the shotglasses to carra and ashley's tonight where they were filled with tequila several times. partook and watched "wet hot american summer." I feel bad that I stayed over there so long; gabe came by and I totally wasn't here. hope no one wants to strangle me tomorrow.

I'm in this really self-indulgent, introspective mood now, but unfortunately I'm too tired to do anything creative with it. which is a great shame; it's been years since I've felt this wistful. c'est la vie. off to cuddle the old pillows.

ali's birthday today, whee! I was supposed to go to a journalistic ethics conference at wake today, but in all honesty, it's more important to me to 1) spend time with newly-minted 22 year olds and 2) to visit my injured friend. yeah, we're going to charlotte/concord so that we can visit josh as well. he updated his blog today, which is a good sign.

tomorrow I might have dinner with charles. I'm so pleased that we're staying friends. you know, this was the first time that I've honestly broken up with anyone, and I feel that I handled it with enough diplomacy to make jimmy carter proud. at the very least, I could probably teach george dubya a thing or two.

so I'm on this campaign to grow my hair as long as possible until it drives me nuts. for me that's not that long, really. I got some straightening stuff for it so it won't go vertical; seems to work pretty well.

after two days of cold and pouring rain it's sunny as hell and warm today. so confusing.

to blue hour tonight with bryan and gabe. had two green hornets, or as I like to call them, "liquid death:" tequila and midori. much discussion of gabe and his crush. it sure would be nice if he could catch a break.

I'm worried that lexapro is giving me headaches. I've had a low grade one all day. may have to see the doc about that.

I've been doing a lot of writing lately--prose, for a change. some of it's actually pretty good. maybe I'll submit some of it for publication when I'm happy with it.

time for beddy-bye. here's hoping that the dreams are good and plentiful...

another day at a close. ali, gabe and I were going to see "the pianist" and it was sold out. dammit, that's the second time in a row that we've tried to see a film there and it hasn't worked for some reason. then we came back and had a hysterical laughing fit over "funny wheel cars" (cars that have the continental spare thingy on the trunk) and we've decided that ali's fated to buy one. I sure hope so.

so in light of last night's grand event, I've been doing a lot of thinking about men/boys. here's a little condensed history of my interactions with them:

the power players:
father--somewhat distant, later not so, always loving. currently excellent.
brother--somewhat distant, still so, but the love's there. it's a personality thing.
h.s. best friend--acquaintance to friend to lover to boyfriend to lover to friend to nothing to friend to lover to enemy to acquaintance.

figures:
fucked: 9 (...?)
corrupted: 2 ("gay") + 1 ("straight") = 3
been corrupted by: 1
been emotionally fucked over by: 3
have been emotionally fucked over by me: 3.5

issues:
1) straight boys used to scare me
2) gay boys currently scare me
3) gay boys are all that I can have (and even that's a rare occurrence)
4) straight boys are what I want the most

current (approx):
father = good
brother = good
three great straight guy friends = fantastic, God bless 'em.
one boy haunts my dreams every night. but a dream is all he'll ever be. like the proverbial arrow, if you catch my drift. at least he thinks so...
and one boy would like to be with me forever. but something important just isn't there. more's the pity; at least he plays for the desirable team.

oh, and then there's me. he and I are getting along a little better these days. but out of all my guy/guy relationships, that one's been the toughest. and ain't no way that's changing anytime soon.

so much for profundity. more can be said for sleep. zzz...

here's what everyone is doing:

carra is rolling around on her big n' soft talking about winnie the pooh and looking like an ocelot...
ashley is practicing her founding father impersonation with a faux peacock feather...
charo is off somewhere saying "coochie coochie!"
and I am contemplating the virtues of slipcovers.

we know how to live.

well, I'm STILL too tired to make a long post tonight, but I'm using up my last dregs of energy to do this short one. nyc was so fucking cool. coming back here is like stepping into the fiery pits of hell barefoot. five days of partying hard in a different city with different people really agreed with me. there was so much debauchery--but I won't recount the details here to protect the innocent (or not so innocent, heh). sigh. well, back to the real world.

josh got hit by a car in austin on friday. the driver was drunk and came up on the sidewalk. josh got a fractured skull and doesn't remember any of it. thankfully the girl he was hanging out with was able to take care of him. everything looks to be ok, though, and he should be back here within a week.

I broke up with charles tonight. he took it well, and we're still friends and all that. I just felt that it was time to call it quits. I did a lot of thinking over break, and realized that I just wouldn't be happy in our relationship anymore. it just moved so quickly right from the start that I didn't know how serious things were going to get until they already were. I'm off the market for a while. I have too much mental weirdness to deal with for the time being...let's just say that there's a lot of very murky water that's NOT under the bridge yet that needs to be before I get back in the game.

anyway, on a lighter note (insert sarcasm here), it sho looks like the u.s. is going to war. that's a very terrible thing, but I'm not as emotional about it as some people. it sounds insensitive, but I guess I take the same head-in-the-sand approach that mom does: we can't do anything about it, so we just have to get on with our lives. I shudder to think, however, what the coming months will bring.

I'm so tired that I'm closing one eye and then the other to rest them. time for bed.

just to let everyone know, I'm back. just wrote a larger post that got erased somehow. sometimes I hate this thing. anyway, more tomorrow.

ladies and gentlemen, the crack-fest has begun. I'm working on my all-nighter. I've been packing; soon I have to go to wal-mart and get some food and coffee. in seven hours I'll be in new york! woo hoo!

the broadway strike is over and we can do everything as scheduled. I'm happy about that. I'm not so happy that I haven't heard back from any of the nyc people I've contacted to chill with while I'm there. well, they've got my number.

I did a radio show with ali from 10 to 2 to give me something to do during these wee hours. as we got progressively tireder it got progressively weirder. but it was fun and no one was traumatized. gabe hung out with us until just after one.

I bought the funniest thing I've ever purchased today at big lots. olympia dukakis brand salad dressing. it has a big olympia dukakis head on it. it's creamy feta. I hope it's not gross. well, it might be funnier if it is, really.

I suppose I should get back to my necessaries. will post again (probably at some length) on sunday.

great, great night. josh, bryan and I went to our little show this evening. first band: chris stamey. good old-school folky stuff. second band: the glands. mostly catchy, rockabilly-influenced non-sucky pop but with some twists and turns here and there. hard to describe in a few words, but great. then yo la tengo. dude. they played a lot of stuff from their upcoming record, and it was amazing. they only did two songs that I actively knew--a version of "nuclear war" and a track from "and then nothing..." that I don't remember the name of. that was fine; no complaints. for their first encore they played audience requests from a list that had been circulated. you haven't lived until you've heard ylt covering "do you know the way to san jose?" there was a second encore as well. all in all, almost five solid hours of music (from all three bands; 2 1/2 from ylt alone). sweet.

other than that, I honestly have nothing new to report. um...guess I'll go to bed. yeah. bed.

I'm pretty sleepy, but am actually forcing myself to stay up a bit longer. why? well, so I can sleep late tomorrow and therefore stay up later. therefore, I will sleep later on tuesday. THEREFORE, the fact that I'm not going to bed on tuesday night won't be as big an issue. I mean, I have to be at the airport at 5:30 am on wednesday, and that ain't gonna happen if I go to bed. this is by far the most planning I've ever put into an all-nighter, and I've planned a few in my day. watch I'll drop off to sleep at like 4 on wednesday morning or something.

I've been in a daze all day, and I hope it's just from still feeling sick. cuz I took my first lexapro last night (sorry, it didn't start with a d after all) and I'd hate to think it's made me all tired. what's the use of being a stable human being if you don't have the energy to take advantage of it?

josh and ali had an insanely good time yesterday, and I hate that I missed out on it. tomorrow night's yo la tengo, though, for which I'm very anxious.

today's randomness. I am currently obsessed with the following things: braniff airlines, the parmalat company, and the mojave phone booth. oh, and gabe's right. zwieback crackers are intrinsically funny.

so much for saturday. slept most of the day and awoke feeling somewhat better--no fever anymore, and my throat feels a little less swollen. gabe and I went to the super buffet for dinner and back here to watch "return to oz," a film of which we shall never tire. josh and ali called from m.b. around 4 today, having a blast. sigh. well, if it came down to that or feeling like death in new york, I'll take that.

speaking of new york, however, can you believe that practically all of broadway is on strike? I dunno what we'll do if we get up there with no shows to see. well, I'm assuming that we'll be given free reign to run amok as we see fit. at least I'd like to think so.

I shut myself in early tonight and watched "beautiful thing" to unwind; it was the first time I'd seen it. such a sweet little love story, unremarkable but endearing. it brought back fond memories of being 16 and discovering love myself...wait a minute, those memories aren't so fond. dammit! I hate it when that happens. although I certainly do recall that tender, covert innocence that comes with a first queer romance. "nobody knows but us, I'm so glad I found you," all that sort of thing. then we grow up, start waving pride flags, and openly quote margaret cho for all the world to hear. I certainly don't lament coming out, but there really is something to be said for closeted relationships. there's just no mystique anymore, alas!

it really sucks having such enormous sinuses that they stop only about 2 mm from where the roots of my teeth begin. every time my sinuses go awry my teeth hurt like a bitch. it makes me want to tie a rag around my head and hold my jaw melodramatically. it's so funny when people do that in old movies and things.

anyway, before I digress into total randomness, this snot rocket's hittin the hay.

so I'm starting to wonder if it's NOT the bubonic plague. I feel so terrible; I can tell I have a pretty freaky fever by the alternating sweats and chills (they're multiplying) I'm getting. the only reason I'm sitting here writing is cuz I had to get up for a popsicle and realized that I can actually breathe when I'm upright. still, bed feels sooooo good.

although I did go to the doctor today about my happy pills (I got a prescription, but I forget what they're called--something that starts with a d) and he didn't seem concerned about my illness. something going around, he said. by the way, no one clued me in that the guilford doctor is so HOT. I mean, if you like that blond-haired, blue-eyed aryan kind of hot (I do). I look forward to my follow-up appointment.

so in case it isn't yet obvious, it looks like I'm going to have to skip out on tomorrow's myrtle beach trip. which sucks not only because I have to stay here, but also because I'm out $30 on the ticket and $36 on the motel. but I can't risk overtiring myself and not being ship-shape for nyc on wednesday. which I WILL be, dammit.

oh, so bryan made it back ok, although I haven't seen him. I've heard him and hannah milling around the apartment. it might be lucky for bryan that he's been spending so little time here; he might be the only one safe from the plague.

dammit, it all comes back to being ill. I'm going to eat my popsicle and shut up about it and maybe I'll feel better. ta.

uggghhh...I am sick. I felt pretty woozy when I woke up this morning, but chalked it up to getting so little sleep. after class I hung out with carra and ashley for a couple hours, and we eventually went out to dinner. while we talked I could actually feel myself getting progressively more sniffly and headachy and sneezy until this evening I realized that it was a full-blown cold. at least, I hope that's all it is...every year I say I should get a flu shot but don't. but let's not talk like that. I'm sure it's nothing more serious than the bubonic plague. but I've been lying around in my pyjamas and moaning a lot; it seems to be my mission in life for the moment.

last I heard bryan was stuck in carrboro with a dead car. josh couldn't pick him up (too much work), I couldn't pick him up (too much snot), ali couldn't pick him up (too much lack of license/car). I dunno what he's done about his situation. note to readers: get AAA cards, for cryin in the bucket. sure it's like a whole $30 a year, but you never know when you'll need it.

so gabe's still moving back to santa fe this month, but NOW he's planning to move BACK here in december. aroo? well, I guess the work experience he can get at home will help him land something here. and I certainly won't complain about having him around.

carra was nice enough to let me sponge off her considerable cd collection, so maybe I'll listen to something besides rilo kiley for a change tonight...eh, maybe not. I've put too much mental energy into my r.k. obsession to drop it just yet. mazzy star, rufus wainwright et al. will wait patiently for me, I'm sure.

I feel very grainy at the moment. I'm in a conundrum: should I try to go to sleep and trust myself to rise at 10:15 for class, or just stay awake? I slept until after 2:00 today, so an all-nighter shouldn't be a problem, but I'm really zapped. I would be asleep already, but charles was here until 2:30 and then I went to have a bullshit session with carra about this (great) short story that she's submitting in a competition. so I just walked in.

I went to see ernest again today, but we didn' t have much to talk about as I won't see the doctor until friday. however, he called jim hood and got him to e-mail richie zweigenhaft for me. basically jim said "jeremy told me I could tell you he's crazy and ernest is trying to uncrazify him. that's why he hasn't been coming to class. please be nice and let him make up his work and not fail. thanks." I felt bad that ernest did that, and told him that it was like asking for a get-out-of-jail-free card. "well," ernest sez, "if you have a card, you ought to use it." I guess. and after all, graduation is at stake here.

gaaa...I think I may try the whole sleep thing after all. wish me luck in waking.

What Jeremy Does with His Insomnia:


Mean lil fellow, arn't you?


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Margot Tenenbaum


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Lazy Line-Painter Jane.


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you're ben gibbard of death cab for cutie...there's
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one last thing before bed and dreams about torte. my guestbook actually works now, so feel free to sign away. thanks a heap to the two whole people who've loved me enough so far to sign it...

I've had the weirdest feeling all day that something is going to happen. my nerves have been on edge constantly. I went so far as to call home and quiz mom on whether everyone was OK. so far it's all good, but I can't help but wonder if tomorrow will hold anything of note. knock on wood it won't be anything bad.

james might be interested in splitting the apartment with me this summer, hooray! he would be ideal, since he's such a morning person--if I had to drop him by campus at 8:00 a.m. on my way to work he wouldn't care. what with my nonexistent job and all.

ali and I went to jan's tonight and had to overhear the most annoying conversation. this one guy kept pontificating about how much of an adjustment it was to move from NYC to GSO, how he'd never been part of a close-knit group of friends, and how he hadn't heard of yo la tengo. all those things are fine things to say, but it was the way he said them. we hate him. when we take over, he'll be the first to go.

I suck, by the way. I overslept and missed my ernest appointment and doctor's appointment this morning. I'll have to eat humble pie and reschedule tomorrow.

I haven't mentioned "bb&t guy" here before, so I'll preface this story with a brief bio: teller at my bank, amazingly cute in a nerdy way, and maybe gay/maybe not. whenever I go to the bank I keep my fingers crossed that he'll wait on me, but he rarely does. today not ONLY did he cash my check, he waved aside my offer of my account number with, "that's okay, I remember you." he's in love with me, I think. he thinks about me all the time. he writes awful poems about me and doodles our names together on his notebooks. he can't rest for wanting me lying next to him, and has to hug pillows to get any sleep. it's totally obvious.

I had this weird dream last night about gothfield (the dream bluefield, remember). I went into an antique shop to sell all this glassware I had; I was carrying it on a tray. it was late at night, but being gothfield everything was open. I was told to come back in a few minutes when the appraiser was there, so I went into this restaurant that was part of a hotel. I ordered a chocolate torte and coffee. I woke up soon after. so now I'm going to bed; I really need to finish that torte. it had layers of graham crackers and was quite yummy.

I can do the frug
I can do the robocop
I can do the freddy
I cannot do the smurf...

that's it; I'm going to bed.

I keep thinking it's monday, but I'm sure as hell glad it's not. I do have to get up early tomorrow to see the doctor, though, about the meds possibility. maybe that's why I'm confused.

last night was wacky. I seem to have lost my tolerance for rum, so a few nips of captain morgan's finest made me act very silly indeed. didn't do much, just staggered to bryan and back again. josh was partying hardcore until after I went to bed, hanging out with the 731 folks and stuff. other than that, pretty quiet but still fun.

josh cooked an excellent family dinner tonight, tofu dog "pigs in blankets" and fries. bryan wasn't too thrilled to find out about the veggie dog end of it, but the residents of the hotel yorba now include one full-on veggie and one non-beef eater. as such, it's meatless sundays from here to eternity. fine by me; I'll stay a little healthier that way.

philosophical: I did the whole "star light, star bright" thing tonight with the first one I saw. I won't divulge my wish, but will say that I generally just wish for happiness. corinne once said that it's the only thing worth wishing for--since any other wishes tie in with it somehow, and it's one of the few things you're guaranteed to get at some point, in some quantity. I think that my happiness is contingent on six basic things: love, money, friends, family, health, and God. I have all those things now, except for money--I don't count any that I have, for it's not really my own.

which is why I need to start job hunting stat. it's now march, and the hour groweth late. I've been working on my resume, pitiful thing that it is. I'm going to get some letters of recommendation and build portfolios around that. on the tuesday of break, when I don't have anything to do, I'm going to put on a shirt and tie and make the rounds to every publication in town, foisting copies on anyone who'll take them. I think it's my best course of action.

I also need to round up an apartment mate for the summer, as josh will be at home. if anyone knows of someone who will be in GSO this summer with a car and $315 per month to pay for half of a stunning apartment, do pass it on. homo sapiens a must, neuroses a plus.

again, I'm anxious for spring break, but it's just sinking in that it starts this friday. dude. so much good stuff going on that I need to psyche myself up for. I wish jack zerbe would contact us with more details about the NYC trip. that'd help.

heh...funny...



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