in an alternate universe, it's mid day in new york. there's a breeze blowing--the collar of my corduroy coat is turned up against it, brushing the back of my shaggy hair. in my left hand is a coffee from the hungarian pastry shop; in the right, a super 8 camera. I'm walking past the cathedral of st. john the divine and wondering if I'll get any good footage today. I'm trying to remember what's playing at the quad tonight, and who might be free to go. I'm wishing that I'd brought my gloves. I stop for traffic at amsterdam and 109th and for a few seconds turn my face up to the sky, thinking about how fantastic it all is.

yep. life is getting dull around here.

How evil are you?

I have just about had it with shoddy filmmaking.

a guy in the military is NOT going to have a thong tanline.

jeez. I could make such superior porn. it's all in the details.

I want to take a moment to talk about a very special man in my life.

he knows how important kind words and a smile are to me, and never fails to come through.

when the rest of the world closes their eyes and turns away, he's there.

so many people are unable to understand my lifestyle, my comings and goings at odd hours. he never complains about that, accepting it as part of the way my life works.

whenever I see him, he acts like I'm the only person on earth that matters--but for the two of us, the world could be empty.

and he knows exactly what it takes to make me happy.

he's the late shift pharmacist at walgreens. thanks for the zoloft refill, m'man. you rock my world.

speaking of pics, the new miatas are coming soon. I'm not sure how I feel about 'em. thoughts?

new nor'easter pic.

I watched vanishing point for the umpteenth time tonight.

I'm thinking of changing my name to "kowalski." just the one name, first and last.

but maybe I should sleep on it.

I have to find out what's going on with my finances. last week I got the biggest paycheck I've ever had, thanks to working that sunday. guess how much of is left?

zip. or thereabouts.

I don't feel like I spend that much money. yet twice recently my account's been overdrawn. I'm just going to have to put myself on a strict budget and stop using my check card. too easy to lose track of everything.

however, extravagance aside, I'm going to try and put some money back each week toward a new dyson vacuum cleaner. for some reason I'm fixated on getting one, especially since the old 'lectrolux has become nearly impossible to maintain.

enough excitement for one day.

do you ever wake up, think about your life, and say, "no thanks. I don't want any of that today." yeah. it's one of those days.

You Know You're From West Virginia When...

You only knew one or two Republicans as you were growing up. You actually know someone who has sold their vote for a bottle of liquor. You've never seen a local ballot with anything but Democratic candidates. You think Senator Byrd should be nominated for Sainthood. You've seen Senator Byrd's name on a sign in front of a bridge or highway construction project. You know what commodity cheese is. You've been asked to give someone a ride to the post office on "check day." You know what "check day" is. You have avoided the post office on "check day." You've seen a picture of John L. Lewis hanging on someone's wall right between the picture of Jesus and JFK. You know who John L. Lewis is. You know what a Tipple is. You know what a slate dump is. You played on a slate dump as a kid. You know someone who actually did go to Pruntytown. She same guy got his head shaved and "fell down the steps" at the court house a couple of times before being sent off. Everyone who works at the court house is related to someone else who works there. You sometimes call a paved road "the hard road." You know someone who has driven to a neighboring state to get "real beer" instead of the 3.2 stuff. You've bought fireworks from the same guy with the real beer. The state where this guy went might be called "O-hi." "Vacation" means driving through Wyatt on the way to Morgantown. Down south to you means Kentucky. Stores don't have bags; they have pokes. You cook green beans for hours. You know what a real tomato is, and have a recipe for candy ones. Your parents have threatened to have you sent to Pruntytown. You can watch someone order a hotdog and know in what part of the state they live. You know that Serpent Mound was not made by snakes. You know at least one couple who went to Virginia or Maryland to get married. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from West Virginia.

Get Your Own "You Know You're From" Meme Here



More cool things for your blog at
Blogthings

I need to get away, and I'm taking suggestions on where to go. I want to visit a city that I've never been to. I'm willing to fly, but I'd still prefer one east of the mississippi since I'll have a limited amount of time and don't want to spend all of it traveling. major destinations I've already done: d.c., new orleans, savannah, chicago, and new york. doesn't have to be a big city, just somewhere interesting. feel free to give me idears.

I'm afraid the windsor crew is building much faster than I can keep up with their work. a few nights ago I drove by and saw that the first floor was framed--bare bones, but exciting stuff--and went back to take a picture today. yeah. check out the nor'easter gallery to see what has transpired.

on financial matters:

the earnest money on the house is paid! construction is really humming along; pics to be posted soon.

filed my tax returns today. owed federal and got back state--I ended up being a little over $100 to the good. so much for a grand refund. but at least I'm not in the hole.

in light of my adventures making my car payment, a haiku:

the check must be mailed
scowling bankers lie in wait
buy stamps? pray, with what?

I'm not sure what my "most prized possession" would be, but my car is high on the list--ophelia, my little go-devil. if pressed I could probably come up with 100 great reasons to own a miata, but tonight I thought of the greatest one of all:

you never have to worry about a psycho killer hiding in your back seat.

on today's episode of murphy's law: whenever you're in a hurry, you get stopped at every red light between points A and B. however, say you're driving while attempting to do something that really should not be done while operating a motor vehicle--eating a qdoba burrito, for example. inevitably every traffic signal, even at the notorious freeman mill road/florida street intersection (which has made many a poor soul late for various functions, I'm sure), will be green. which is why I finally had to break down and finish my dinner in the gateway commerce building's parking lot and was late to work.

the first "walk through" of the nor'easter is tomorrow afternoon. I get to hear all about drywall and things.

actually had to work last sunday for a bit. how can america be such an obese country with so many people buying nordictracks? they can't ALL be using them for creative plant stands.

I can't decide which are more annoying, ATMs that actually advertise themselves as "24 hour banking" that are "temporarily out of service" at off hours (yes, BB&T, I'm talking about you) or post office stamp machines THAT ARE COMPLETELY DEVOID OF 37 CENT STAMPS every single time I check. hmmph.

new nor'easter pic posted today.

it's a few days late, but I forgot to mention what a nice v-day weekend justin and I had. dinner at restaurant j basul noble in high point and chocolate all round. best of all, we got to celebrate negative hiv test results! so if anyone needs any prophylactics, you know who to see--they're gathering dust, and for once that's not a bad thing.

my feelings for justin have changed...in that they've become more intense than ever. he's gone from simply being part of my life to being the most crucial element of it. every day I'm thankful--and amazed--to be with someone so intelligent, talented, funny, sexy, loving, etcetera. he's everything I ever wanted, and everything I didn't even know I wanted. to all my friends in need of some love, I wish the same for you. but not from justin. he's taken.

new gallery in thousand words. not much to look at now, I know, but hopefully it'll get more interesting.

so I read that mary kay letourneau and vili fualaau are getting married "according to a department store registry." after a little digging I found out which one it was and checked out their list. they're getting some nice stuff. most of the registry's been purchased, but a pickle dish was still available. I'm so tempted to buy one and have it sent.

lately it's becoming more difficult to ignore willow's resemblance to a lemur. hmm.

I think that if I become much more stressed I'm going to explode in a fiery ball of acid (of the reflux variety). it pretty much comes down to my job, honestly. it isn't stressful per se--far from it; I still enjoy my work--but its impact on the rest of my life is bringing me further and further down. I just have to keep reminding myself that I can't even consider any changes until we're settled in the new house. too many things between now and then that will cost money.

even worse is that I stay stressed over the good things in my life. have you ever valued something so much that you worry about losing it--to the point that it's impossible to get any mental peace, or even enjoy the aforementioned thing as much as you should?

I'm becoming as neurotic as a carrie fisher character.

once again, I find myself wishing that my life was as simple as it used to be.

a bit of personal philosophy: when you say "you're pretentious," what I hear is "I am dismayed that my mental capacity is too base and meager to allow for the good taste that you have. although my stubborn pride won't allow me to voice it, I salute thee."

the double fudge coca-cola cake is back at cracker barrel. hallelujah!

nice visit with parents yesterday. it's a shame that bad weather delayed their coming for so long, but they finally made it.

it's one of those weird days when, for some inexplicable reason, I'm looking forward to going to work. very odd. although not as odd as those nights when it's time to leave and I think, "no! give me more work to do!" I think that's happened twice.

sunday we signed the contracts for the house, yay! it should be finished on june 24th. soon I'm going to set up a really annoying webshots gallery to which I'll add pictures every time a nail is driven in. we also selected our interior colors and materials, which was dramatic. picture me flinging myself over a table littered with plastic chips and carpet samples and crying, "NO! I simply cannot live with those countertops!" well, it wasn't that bad. but it took some time to reach consensus on everything. now if we can just get our lender(s) to do what we want. we've got loan approval, but we're not happy with any offers so far. get it together, people. I've got a credit score in the 700s and full documentation of a healthy income, so you will kindly do my bidding and not fuck with me.

oral-b brush ups are such a good idea. why didn't someone think of them years ago?

once again I should update my film blog with more info on this, but I just don't feel motivated. suffice it to say that napoleon dynamite was one of the most disappointing movies I've ever seen. also on the short list of most boring and most pointless. what am I missing here?

hopefully I can fall asleep soon so that I can hit great clips tomorrow and take advantage of their $5.99 sale. isn't my life a hoot?

so I've started taking these B complex mega vitamins. I think they've already done a lot to lower my stress levels--not one hysterical crying fit since I've been on 'em. B vitamins are also supposed to lessen "mental confusion." so why did I lie awake for an hour the other morning pondering this: if kato kaelin, johnny cochran, and judge ito were the three stooges, which ones would they be? I'm open to ideas on this one, but be prepared to justify your choices.

colleen parked next to me at work last night, and I noticed that she has a bush/cheney sticker. I really did not need to know that about her. it must be haverized.

haverize - verb. to purposely forget unpleasant or unwanted information.
source: the friends of bartleby slang lexicon, revised edition, 2005.

I've never been a tonight show fan, and so was unaware of the existence of the fruitcake lady until I was sent one of her video clips in a forward. I truly believe that she is the funniest human alive. if you've got high speed internet, watch some of these hellaciously amusing clips.

willow's in bed, and it looks comfy. off I go.

I hate to make yet another bitch/moan post, but I feel bitchy and moany. everything's going all right these days--floors dry, house financing underway, all that--but there's just too much of everything. I need a break. just three days, I think. three days away from everyone and everything, just a comfy bed and books in a quiet place. too bad it won't happen anytime soon. but as soon as march rolls around (that's when stuff at o.d. will become less strenuous; we bought out another freight company and are adjusting), I'm gone. ain't sayin where or when, just that I'll be back. and I can't wait.

willow's surgery went well. get to pick her up tomorrow. poor baby!

not a lot else happening, so I believe I'll go eat some breakfast.

the floors are almost dry, but now my toilet's leaking--the same one that was fixed a few months ago after my bathroom turned into a swamp. for those of you keeping track, that's NOT the same bathroom that had the shower curtain rod fall down. THAT bathroom is the one that had no faucets when we moved in. I'm seriously considering starting a separate blog to chronicle the pitfalls that occur in 4109.

but matters with the house are really taking shape. it's so much fun, like building a house in the sims. only real. with real money. that the bank will hopefully give us. that's the most pressing issue at hand.

the snow that was predicted didn't really materialize, mostly just rain. but it's sooooo cold. another fun electrical bill for next month.

gotta go run some more laundry through the dryer. the one upside to the great deluge of ought-five is that my room will wind up being cleaner than it's been for a while.

my day.

woke up, as per usual. showered, like usual. began walking to my closet...squish. half of my floor was soaked through. the whole closet. the hallway. josh's bedroom. seems the imbeciles that park forest hired to work on the water lines fucked up. I was livid. thankfully maintenance cleared things up right away after I went in the office and pitched a fit.

but the incident has just made it easier for me to say this: DO NOT EVER MOVE INTO PARK FOREST APARTMENTS! I've never known of a complex to have so many problems. we've been without water several times without being notified. we had those lovely big holes in the ceiling for several days. the men who came to reinforce the patio left their junk everywhere and took a looooong time to do their work. these fucking buildings must be made out of balsa wood, they need so much done. but when it comes to what I need done personally (i.e. the water leak of last fall), maintenance is nowhere to be found. the office staff is nice enough, when they're there--usually they're not, even during regular hours. I can't wait to get out of this hellhole.

that said, I'm going to bed. at justin's, since the noise of the carpet drying fans is somewhat distracting.

it's so odd to be up and sitting around the house on a monday afternoon--I'm usually either asleep or at justin's. but mlk day has given the teachers some freedom, and we're all just chilling and watching the simpsons here. if we end up moving into the new house during the summer the neighbors won't know what to think, since we'll all be home like this every day. we're a little too old to be college students, and the neighborhood's too nice to live in on welfare. I'd hate to get a reputation for being independently wealthy. it'll make us a target for burglars.

speaking of the house, finally got out to ridge view and spoke with the builder rep yesterday. walked through a house like the one we want, and it was great. I don't foresee any problems with financing--justin and I are co-signing, and my credit score is over 700 as it is--so I hope that construction can get underway soon. LOTS of pics will be posted.

my moods are still up and down, and I haven't been able to get dr. mckinney on the phone yet. will keep working on that.

the 'rents hit town on sunday for my pre-birthday birthday dinner. anyone reading this is welcome to invite themselves!

I've been trying to be a better correspondent, as per my new year's resolutions. I've gotten in touch with many old friends lately and am loving it. the only problem is for them to find time in the afternoons to hang out with me.

enough time wasted at the computer. time to waste more time on the sofa before the grind!

a disturbing occurrence this weekend. saturday night saw a full fledged panic attack, the first I've had in over a year. not a very bad one, really, but they're never fun. I'd been feeling tense all day, and finally just lost it.

which brings me to a point: I am losing it. of late I've been feeling like I'm completely falling apart. my mind wanders to places that it shouldn't go, at least not so often. I worry myself sick for no reason, I feel violently angry for no reason. I can't control my feelings anymore. my zoloft is doing its job--no depression in the mix--so that's not an issue.

but that's not the worst. until recently it was, but now I find myself acting in ways that seem beyond my control. I say things that are inappropriate, and do things that I know are wrong. I can't stand myself lately, and I'm sure a lot of people are starting to share that feeling about me. no one likes to stand too close to a loose cannon.

and it's all made worse by the concern that, if I can't control myself a bit more, I'm going to end up losing everyone and everything I care about. justin's been supportive to no end, and so far the fam and the friends have been the same. but there's only so much one human being can take--don't I know it. and deny it though they may, I'm convinced that I will end up alone if I don't start treating people in a way that they deserve.

so I guess I'm going to have to talk with dr. mckinney about more than just meds for a change. I know enough about psych to surmise that a lot of my problems have arisen from an increasing awareness of both The Past and The Future, and that I need to start really dealing with both. because every day can't keep being a struggle. wish me luck, folks.

hmmph. an unfortunate realization: for the first time since I've been working at o.d. I am flat broke. stupid car insurance. well, at least the bills will get paid. barely.

willow had her first trip to the vet on monday. she did very well with her shots. she had worms, though--got that taken care of. she goes in for spaying and declawing in a few weeks. I'm against declawing, but with the liking she's taken to my furniture it's either that or she goes back to live with mom (who would have her declawed). and I couldn't part with her!

a very exciting development: although I've been planning for some time to buy a house this summer, it turns out that I may get to have one built! there's a new development in northeast gso (read: EXTREME boonies) that offers stunning custom built houses at prices that are actually quite reasonable. it's not my ideal location--not ghetto, just rural; the nearest starbucks is at least fifteen minutes away--but if I live anywhere else in the city I'll probably have to settle for a condo or townhouse. and this way we can get things just the way we want. the three of us go out there on sunday to talk shop.

somehow I've got to scrape up the money to see the dentist. my gums are in bad shape, despite my persnickety oral hygiene. I refuse to taste blood around the clock if I don't at least get the sexy stigma of being a vampire.

realized something very important about justin today. he's even more amazing than he was yesterday. can't wait for tomorrow!

speaking of tomorrow, it's today. bed.

I had one of THOSE nights at work. I've gotten so used to my job being predictable and smooth that the slightest little thing going off kilter gets me bent out of shape. if there was liquor in the house I'd say I need a drink. but wishes, horses. I'll just say I need kool aid. that I can satisfy.

still not over the ring. it's like when you first go out driving alone after getting your license. it feels great, it feels like the thing to do. but at the same time it feels naughty, like you're expecting someone to stop you. well, ain't nobody stopping this, muthafucka. if the world comes to an end tomorrow, vows are getting said during the apocalyptic fallout.

I always make resolutions, and I always break them. the sensible thing to do is not make any.

my resolutions for 2005
1) lose ten pounds.
2) until april, save every other paycheck for the house. after april, save at least $100 per week.
3) be a better correspondent where my friends are concerned.
4) make a definite decision about my career path and schooling.
5) be the best fiance in the world.

number five is of most importance. it encompasses keeping my relationship happy, healthy, and interesting, being open minded about wedding plans and contributing good ideas of my own, and getting said plans arranged in a timely fashion.

yikes. losing ten pounds seems pretty easy, eh?

so I was going to wait a bit on this, but since justin did a blog post and it's all too easy to link there from here, now seems to be the time.

I got an engagement ring for Christmas.

did we move fast? sure we did. but I'm just as sure that it's the right thing. I wouldn't have accepted otherwise. I really believe that neither justin nor myself has ever been more sure of a decision. although there's still some shock yet to wear off. I keep looking down at the third left and thinking, "wow, it's there. it's really there." it seems impossible, somehow.

answers to FAQs:
1) Christmas night, about 11:30 pm. us, the floor in front of my unused fireplace, our other gifts and torn wrapping paper surrounding. it was inside a box inside a box inside a box inside a box. no official popping of the question--he was that sure, dammit. my reply to unasked question: "you did remember my size?"
2) white gold with five diamonds. the pics were blurry or I'd show y'all here. soon he'll be receiving one from me...seems only fair.
3) spring/fall 2006. gives us time to get the house settled and make the needed plans. and gives justin time to come to his senses, should he make the unfortunate choice to do so.
4) we might go to ma or vt, not sure yet. but there will be a ceremony/reception in nc.

but the whole sitch helps answer one of my questions too, one that's been buggin me for years. several times I've thought I've been in love, but it never lasted. I once asked a wise friend her advice. her take was that, if you can easily imagine spending the rest of your life with someone, then it's love. that seemed sensible enough. but now that I've got the real mccoy, I know that it entails a lot more.

for one thing: can you easily imagine spending the rest of your life without said person? if not, that's a good sign.

for another: does every dream of yours, every goal you have, everything you strive for, suddenly have new meaning and purpose? by that I mean--do you suddenly start thinking of those things in terms of how they apply to your relationship? another good indicator.

however, listen up, folks, because THIS is the strongest sign of all: you know you're in love when you realize that you're scared as hell...all the time. you're afraid because, no matter how wonderful things are, there's always a chance that something could happen. maybe nothing with either of you personally, but something caused by outside forces. you're afraid because, if something did happen, your life wouldn't mean anything anymore. and all the little scares, all the phobias, everything that you've feared before--none of it frightens you for the sake of "me" anymore. it frightens you for "us." that's love, friends.

but I'll tell you something else. it's worth it. I have much more than I deserve; chalk it up to being incredibly, insanely lucky. as unsure as I tend to be about my future, it's wonderful to feel so certain about something so amazing.

I'm the happiest guy in the world.

a few Christmas pics in thousand words. more to come.

as per usual, Christmas day was a slow one--lots of sleep for yours truly. the evening got off to a rocky start, but ended on a high note truly worth writing about. but not tonight. in a few days, once I collect my thoughts a bit more...

well, Christmas eve certainly was interesting. never spent part of it in an emergency room before. mom slipped and fell in the kitchen, hitting her arm on the barstool. the resulting bruise/blood blister was so nasty looking that a trip to brmc was in order, we all thought. the doc on call basically laughed us out of the hospital for being hypochondriacal (?), but better safe than sorry.

aside from that, things were good. the absences of madame matthews, mademoiselle phlegar, and monsieur bucher were notable and for the most part regrettable (translation: debbie and laura had to stay in pennsylvania this year. oh yeah--patrick did too). rick and pam, gran, aunts and crew were all about. the food was great, and the presents were better; lots of dvds for me this year! no snow, unless you looked at the top of the mountain. eh.

the holidays wouldn't be the same without booze, and I've discovered that I like white port. but I'm worried that drinking it is in bad taste, much like imbibing white zinfandel or wine spritzers. so don't spread it around.

jamie oliver = hot. I just watched him wash a cucumber. why can't my eyes be that blue, or blue at all? since that's not technically possible, why can't contacts agree with me more?

some guy online was talking about not being "biosexual." what the hell is that, wanting to hump flowerbeds? idiot.

the house is going bump in the night. either the dog or the ghosts are restless. either way, I'm used to it here.

I've loaned mum my copy of brideshead revisited until my birthday. that's brave of me, I must say. speaking of birthday, my amazon wish list isn't going anywhere. haw haw. hee haw, even.

speaking of hee haw, minnie pearl would be in bed now. I'll try to be more like her. well, the way she was. not now. she's dead. I'll sleep. not the big sleep. just a little one. a night's worth. or thereabouts.

hershey's take 5 is the best candy bar ever. I haven't been so profoundly affected by a confection since my first fizzy bottle cap. everyone buy lots of them, because if they're discontinued I'll lose my will to live.

I wonder if I shouldn't talk with my friendly shrink about my views on sex, as it has come to my attention lately that they're skewed to a distracting point. I've always said that sex is sex: no strings, no violins, just 2+ people making each other feel nice. I've certainly had my share of encounters like that (the exact number is classified info, not to mention open to interpretation--besides, I like being a man of mystery). I've got no regrets, and feel no shame. but when I hear about other people behaving all freaky, I can literally get sick to my stomach just before I climb on my high moral horse. and there's not a lot I haven't done, so on top of nauseated I feel hypocritical. it's like I feel so threatened by sex--maybe because I've never been afraid to use it as a weapon myself. doctor jekyll and mister hyde warring within. could be I do have regrets. are they about what was or what might have been? I just wish I could stop making it such an issue.

that said, my current sexual behavior is perfectly respectable. by liberal standards, anyway. thank you very much.

now that it's available on dvd, I recommend that everyone (especially john irving fans) rent the door in the floor. good stuff; the section of the novel that it adapts is the most faithful adaptation I've ever seen. hmm...petrified fountain post? it's been a while.

I never create anything anymore. my goal for the upcoming week is to write something, even if it's just a freakin haiku. or take a few decent pictures. the mental stagnation is intolerable.

speaking of intolerable and/or upsetting things: stupid forsyth county getting the new dell plant. grr. also, almost as bad as "kewl" is abbreviating people as "ppl." grrrrrrr.

almost time to pack up the pussoir and head for the hills. and a hap-hap-happy holiday to all!

today's word to the wise: don't let the cowboy hat fool you.

st. peter's basilica has a coffee bar.
fuh-nee.

ha! how perfect.


You're Mead!


What Type of Alcoholic Beverage Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

great weekend. went with justin, josh, and rachel to the matisse/picasso exhibit at the nc museum of art in raleigh. I love museums. great works of art--even mediocre ones--intimidate me, but stir me in such wonderful ways. and seeing them with rachel is even better, since she seems to know which ones I should find intimidating! then to cheesecake factory for dinner and southpoint for final (theoretically) Christmas shopping.

you know, I hate to rain on anyone's holiday parade. and I hate even more to sound like a right-winger; anyone who knows me well enough to be reading this knows that I'm not. but I have real issues with non-Christians celebrating Christmas. I understand that, regardless of religious beliefs, it can serve as a time for togetherness and goodwill and family and all that good stuff. but for so many people, the only excitement to be gleaned from Christmas seems to come from exchanging gifts, decorating, and eating slightly better food than usual. take away the religious aspect of the holiday and there's not much left. it seems so hypocritical to me that there are people unwilling to acknowledge Jesus' greatness yet will use His birth as an excuse to party. I'm by no means intolerant--you'll never catch me trying to convert my atheist/agnostic/Buddhist/Wiccan/what have you friends. and voyage isn't going to turn into "scary Christian blog." it's just this one thing that bothers me. chalk it up to another one of my weird quirks.

I really will try to upload some new pics to my webshots account soon. I just need to snap and scan a few more.

jeremy's product endorsement of the moment: zilactin. you can feel that stuff working.
jeremy's product condemnation of the moment: cetaphil. jeez, plain water does just as well.

undecided on new year's plans. I actually DON'T have to work on either the eve or the day, so something's gotta happen. ideas?

the most annoying thing in the world:
spelling "cool" as "kewl."

emmet otter's jugband Christmas is now available on dvd. anyone want my vhs copy?

scene from my life:
(jeremy rummages in desk, takes out ballpoint pen, scribbles on paper, sighs)
"why can't I ever find a functioning pen, dammit?"
(puts defunct pen back in desk drawer for the nth time)

now I'm really going to sleep.

what a wretched few days. on wednesday I woke up sick. not starting to feel sick, not on the verge, but full on sick. went to work, but not on thursday--went to urgent care instead. it seems I've caught a highly contagious virus that basically causes your stomach and intestines to go on strike, as well as causing fever and aches. I felt well enough to go to work tonight, but I'm so weak; I can't eat anything at all without seeing it again a short while later. supposedly it'll blow over in a day or two. I just hope no one I know gets it. only then will they understand the true meaning of the word hatred.

I bought a swank leather chair at garden ridge on sunday, and since then have been trying to arrange transportation to get it here. I think I'm going to have to resort to ratcheting it to the top of the volvo. if only I could get an old woman to sit in it on the way home, a la granny clampett.

justin is the greatest guy in the world. I know that's a non sequitur, but it just felt right to say.

off to get some sleep that hopefully won't be punctuated with trips to the fabled porcelain goddess.

I dreamed last night that I was working in a dairy. dream dictionaries are a load of crap, but if you believe them that's one sweet omen.

picture this: everyone you know.

picture them: knowing everything about you. everything.

now answer this: where did everyone go?

I hate to quote myself, but I'm quite proud of a comment I made on tonight's lunch break:

"if the apocalypse happens tomorrow, someone's gonna have to resurface the ice."

I could explain. but do you really want me to?

big news: changed shifts at work. I'm now a 7-3:30 employee. the extra hour in the evenings is nice, and there's some real closure in staying at the office until everything is done. and no more of that 5 o'clock friday crap.

I believe that I'm having some delayed aftereffects from the 2004 presidential election. until recently, my reaction was: "damn. bush won again." now, it's: "damn. bush won. again." what was left of my disappointment has turned into full blown dismay.

for anyone who's interested, my amazon.com wish list is posted just in time for Christmas--just search for jeremy ball (I'm the one in greensboro, duh). and please support triad health project: all you gotta do is, rather than going straight to amazon, go first to josh's blog and click on the amazon.com link on the right side. details of the fundraiser are also posted there. for all your holiday shopping needs.

by the way, how the hell did december get here so fast?

it's good to cry once in a while. right?

what I want for Christmas: a 9 to 5 job.

position: I dunno, whaddya got?

location: gso metro.

salary: $35000+

my resume: I have a nearly valueless B.A.; its primary use is to make people think that I know what I'm talking about. I'm a charismatic self-starter who's qualified for just about anything, provided that it's nothing. I do NOT have 2-5+ years of experience in "the field," and won't be able to get it unless some poor sucker hires me. I'm detail oriented when it suits me. I'm independent and have experience successfully delegating responsibility and managing task forces (read: I'm a pigheaded boob who doesn't play very well with others). my strong suit is my uncanny ability to consistently show up on time (give or take 10 minutes), do my job relatively well, and leave as quickly as possible.

please contact me for a copy of my portfolio. if you want one without mustard stains, give me a while.

and now: back to our jehosophats, who are really jumping!

the holiday has improved my outlook considerably, I must say. thanksgiving was marvelous, especially since justin was able to be there! a few days at home--and off work--have been just the thing for helping me chill out.

trips home always have an odd effect on me, though. being in my old room takes me back to being 7 or 8 years old or thereabouts, back when your parents took care of everything for you. when nothing was more complicated than figuring out how much to charge for a cup of lemonade. when you could say, "I'm going to be...when I grow up," and no one would laugh--because growing up was so far away it was easy to reach for the stars. it all just makes me think about where I have to go from here, where I can go from here. I really want to make 7-8 year old me proud, somehow.

it's time for a shower and a nice, lazy-yet-semi-productive sunday.

o.d. has put all the 6 o'clock folks on the 5 o'clock schedule for the rest of the month. as a result, the 18,956 things that I don't have time to do already aren't going to get done until december.

I have no money set aside to christmas shop. I have no money set aside for the house.

the apartment is a disaster. my cars are dirty and filled with junk.

I barely have time to eat anymore. when I do, it's usually fast food that is making me gain weight again.

I realized the other day that part of me was hanging in there waiting for some extended sort of vacation. real world update: I don't get those anymore.

my life has turned into one gigantic headache. stop the ride; I NEED to get off. at least for a little while.

notice a new link at the top of the page. click and see. as time permits, much more will be added. note: if there's anything there that your mother shouldn't see, feel free to drop me a line and it shall be eradicated.

news flash: once again, I have a functioning cell phone. same number. call, message, pester.

weekends rule. I'll just come and and say that without hesitation.

someone needs to buy me this. there's no price listed, but I'm sure it would be reasonable to ask for as a Christmas gift.

justin got the scorpion tattoo on thursday. if he gets any hotter he's going to spontaneously combust.

on that subject, I'd like to take this opportunity to send out a message to all the losers out there who've dicked me over in the past (sure, puns intended). upon comparing each of you to the current squeeze, I find that you all have several things in common: you're ugly, stupid, mean spirited, and generally quite lame. thank you so freakin much for giving me some of the most hellish moments of my life. I'm making time with the greatest guy in the world these days. since there can only be one, you obviously are not. eat it.

conversely, a shout out to the fellas who've done me right, and there are several of you: thanks for the memories. I'm sorry that things didn't work out; I still love y'all. some of you probably want to spit at me in the street, I admit--that you never have makes you paragons of human kindness. I hope that you're all living well. you give homos a good name.

I really like the phrase "half past give a damn." I'm also quite fond of "frumptious wheeze." even if they do have completely different connotations.

I think a great superpower to have would be the ability to predict when a radio station will play chaka khan. useful, and how!

man, picking up stakes and moving to vancouver really does look better every day.

I don't know how seriously to take this, but oh! the happiness.

it has always irked me that, when preparing oneself a pop tart, it is necessary to either eat two or clumsily attempt to reseal one within the foil wrapping. I have long been an advocate for individually wrapped pop tarts (if those loyal readers who know me well were unaware of this...well, it very rarely comes up).

perhaps, I've pondered, kellogg's simply expects their pastries to be so wonderful that the consumer can't eat only one. not only is that faulty logic, it signifies egotism on the part of the kellogg's company and a sadistic desire to contribute to the obesity problem in america.

I finally decided to research the matter. I discovered that kellogg's went out on a limb introducing pop tarts in 1962--there were serious doubts as to whether they would sell. to save money, they were packaged two to a wrapper. and still are.

my mind is at ease. however, when I began writing this I'd only eaten one pop tart. I fear that I must contradict myself and prepare the other posthaste.

heluva lot going on the past few days. halloween was...eventful. to chapel hill with justin and nadine--I dressed as ignatius reilly. I had a lot of captain morgan's. a whole lot. so much that, for the first time in my life, I began disrobing in public. apparently I decided to change my costume and go as "disheveled man." good times. I think.

went to concord/charlotte on saturday. spent an outrageous amount of money on a new suit, only to come to my senses and call nordstrom to return it before it was altered. also picked up some birthday presents for justin. oh, and ruined my new cell phone by dropping it into a cup of coffee. the trip was of questionable merit, although I did find a spaghetti measurer after months of searching, which made it all worthwhile. now to explain the phone to alltel...

I called in sick to work on tuesday. I really needed a day off to decompress and also to work around here; I've been feeling the need to stand in the middle of the apartment and scream. so the living room and kitchen are clean--and will stay that way, I'll be bound--and my bedroom is forthcoming.

I'm don't even want to comment on the election results. suffice it to say that I did my part, and will be doing my share of bitching for the next four years, thank you very much.

last night I dreamed an entire musical. it involved my going into eckerd, buying a chapstick and a roll of strawberry mentos, and getting into an argument with the cashier about my credit card. that was the basis for the whole thing. it was very dramatic.

it's a shame that it took john peel's death to call my attention to the undertones. that said, I've got some cd shopping to do today.

I had an unfortunate realization at carolina's this morning with nadine. being a friday late night, the place was jam packed with drunks, and there was an especially amusing booth behind us. they were having a conversation about sky bar, and some guy that they'd all met there. "he was not gay," one of the guys said. "he was wearing baggy clothes. gay people don't wear baggy clothes."

nadine and I looked at each other. then we looked at my sweater and jeans. and an epiphany! I like girls after all! none of this homo bullshit for me. the truth has been with me all along, in the generous cut of my garments, and I was too blind to see. all these years I've been living life as a spandex swishbuckler, when I've really been a saggin straight guy. time to hitch up my belt, revel in the acres of fabric swathing my testosterone laden, lady lovin bod, and pick me up some girls. or do I mean score some chicks? or procure some pussy?

idiots.

earlier today I headed to the dryer to get out some socks. before I knew what I was doing, I opened the fridge instead.

they weren't in there.

shawn colvin is releasing a greatest hits album.

huh?

dr teal's jasmine vanilla vapor bath is the greatest stuff ever.

stupid clouds, making everyone miss the lunar eclipse.

at least it's thursday.

john peel died. what a terrible loss. the music world will miss him deeply.

thppt. monday. humph. at least the weekend was a great one as they go. the barbecue festival was as festive as ever. and despite some major traffic problems, justin and I got to raleigh in time for dinner and to see jeff dunham at charlie goodnight's. quite funny indeed.

visiting with family in winston yesterday was nice, but the highlight of the weekend is most certainly willow! the new kitten has arrived, and I'll take photos to post asap. she's the cutest. she slept next to me all day. which will improve weekends indefinitely--I get the guy at night, and the cat during the day. sleeping alone is overrated.

eez time for shower and to pick up medicine.

grr. aargh. the past couple days have found me in some very obnoxious moods, ranging from depressed to annoyed to downright postal. you know those times when you look around your life, see it as a prison cell, and muscle up to the bars and yell "LEMME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" yeah. perhaps it's the promise of the barbecue festival that has lightened my mood. at any rate, I'm now once again semi-sane.

this is where I have to interject that justin is perhaps the only aspect of my life that I tend to run to rather than away from. he's a saint to put up with me. hell, what I'm talkin? we're saints to put up with each other. a match made in heaven. heh. saints, heaven. I made a funny.

sunday I see the 'rents and granny and get my kitten! monday the new couch arrives. so many nice new things. well, my parents and grandmother certainly aren't new, but they're nice old things. um, that came out wrong. never mind.

did anyone see the video of fidel castro falling down a few days ago? I heard that he fell, and thought, "aw, shucks. that's too bad." then I saw the video. I'm sorry, but fuh-nee. he even knocked over some chairs, a la mary catherine gallagher. fidel castro, SUPERSTAR! I'm a mean person, but at least I know it.

P.S. have just learned that castro did in fact break some bones in the fall. dammit! why is it still funny? I'm going to hell.

maria shriver rules.

yeah, another monday rolls around. spent a nice/productive weekend cleaning 4109 and hanging out with some of justin's family in mount airy. also bought the sofa, but not the one I mentioned--I got to the store and realized that I hated it. so I found another, which will be here a week from tuesday. hooray for spending $900. time to crack open a savings account and start socking dough away for the house.

as much as it pains me to do it, I'm cancelling my netflix membership. I just don't have time to make use of it. oh, well.

so early voting got underway in palm beach county today, and issues have already arisen--as in paper ballots missing pages. other areas of florida have experienced computer glitches in the voting process. dammit people, get it together already.

oh, and if you're a friend of mine named chris and you left your number on my windshield today: sorry to have to ask, but which chris are you exactly? gotta narrow it down for me.

well, monday night was...unexpected. I found myself with no one to see rilo kiley with, so I just drove to carrboro to offload my tickets (I sold one, but not both) and back home. thought of calling charles, since he's also a fan, but he probably wouldn't have gone anyway. everyone else was just plain tied up for the evening.

found a sofa, yay! and stephanie's taking the old stuff off my hands. I'm going to see if they can deliver it on saturday.

got a swank new cell phone. it be havin a camera and shit.

I really, really want to see the movie bright young things, but it ain't playing here yet. if anyone reading this is in a more cosmopolitan area than greensbohemia, please go and tell me how it is.

peace out.

I just read that belle and sebastian is one of parker posey's favorite bands.

dude.

ah, what a lovely couple of days. went to justin's bel canto concert on saturday, which was smashing as expected. out with him, rachel, josh, and heather (!!!) to friday's later that evening. yesterday off to asheville for dinner and to deliver rachel back to unc-a. she has a darling pet hedgehog now. I've always wanted one.

as for today, justin has been very naughty and taken a day off work to lie around with me and run errands. talk about nice surprises! later, this jet setter is off again to carrboro for the rilo kiley show.

tis shower time.

saturday's here and so is my long weekend! off work on monday to see rilo kiley. beautiful.

I was unaware that saint bernards were still used to rescue people in the alps. well, they are, but they haven't rescued anyone in 50 years. so the group of monks in charge of the dogs is putting them all up for adoption. wow. best Christmas present ever, people. hint, hint.

random observation of the day: some people aren't sexy until you hear them laugh.

office mayhem: nadine and I spent 20 minutes trying to think of the name of the quidditch announcer at hogwarts (lee jordan). finally we had to seek out ginger, the administrative assistant, who knew--more proof that she is an invaluable asset to the o.d. team.

wow, that was a lame story. I apologize.

speaking of lame stories, think I'll go catch a few minutes of degrassi.

I'm starting to find it disheartening that, in the generally articulate world of national politics, both "flip flop" and "flip flopper" have worked their way into the working vocabulary of the--gulp--punditocracy.

just needed to share.

it wasn't the best night at work. we got quarterly evaluations, and I didn't get the raise I was expecting. well, I guess I just have to work a little harder.

and my job has become such a conundrum. I like it, and I love my salary. and honestly, I've started to think that wouldn't bother me to do it indefinitely. but the world doesn't keep my hours, and I feel like everything's just passing me by. I don't know what to do anymore--if I ever did.

yep, it's been one of those days.

marvelous weekend. tate street festival with justin and nadine, indian food to follow. sunday was shopping at southpoint (nordstrom in particular) and cheesecake factory. the weekend's highlight was my confession to justin. yep, the l-word, and make no mistake about it. imagine me saying it first! meaning it and everything. but I've seen enough to know wonderful when it's staring me in the face. with its beautiful eyes. okay, I'm going to stop before I get into "middle school girl" mode and start tracing names on notebooks.

sorry, snapple sub zero. I love ya, but tropicana twister raspberry lemonade has surpassed you as my fave bottled beverage. it's astin-tastic (a dumb and annoying expression that I keep using anyway).

must buy new furniture this week. not look, not pick out, but buy. I just don't have time to go traipsing all around the triad looking for THE perfect sofa that's within my budget AND is made in n.c. so I'm hitting three stores max and getting something already.

I think I'm going to scotland next summer for the edinburgh arts festival. it just occurred to me as something that I really want to do. but hopefully I'll have bought a house by then, so my budget may not allow it.

I dozed off on justin's futon an hour ago and had some dream involving the city of south el monte, california. maybe I can pick up with that now and find out what the hell that was about.

I have stone lions on my mantle.

life is good.

before I get on to the main post...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!

and now, the top five things that have recently begun to irritate me:

1) car washes turn their bill changers off at night. this inconveniences me to no end.
2) my apartment is being taken over by giant mutant crickets. some mysterious radar always leads them into one of the many plastic grocery bags lying around the apartment, where they make incredibly loud rustling noises that sound like rats scurrying around.
3) this is over a year late, but I really, really miss fresh samantha. best juice drinks ever. stupid odwalla discontinuing the whole damn line of em.
4) hotmail's lack of support for any browser but IE. I'm teetering on the edge of going back to a yahoo address--I'll keep everyone posted.
5) lindsay lohan. in general.

must get to bed; the whole department has had to go in at 5 every day this week, which has fucked over my sleep schedule. one day I'll get my full eight hours again, and what a day it will be.

so josh and I saw wilco in raleigh saturday night. excellent, as always and expected. they didn't play most of the songs that I'd really been aching to hear, but the asheville show would have been hard to top as a jeremy pleaser.

over the past few days I've had a couple of revelations that have really altered my outlook on life. seriously. I now realize that, after 23 years of feeling inferior most of the time, I've developed a genuine superiority complex. and I'm thoroughly enjoying it. in fact, I'm going to start introducing myself thus:

"I have better taste than most people. I'm probably more intelligent than you are, and I'll only be feigning interest in 90% of what you say. if you're already offended, than you might as well give it up. but if you can say any of that about yourself, stick around and we'll see how long we can tolerate each other."

I know it's extreme, but I've got a lifetime of meekness and self-deprecation to make up for.

also, this morning I took inventory of my life, as I am wont to do on occasion. I have a swell automobile. I have a nice apartment. great friends, great family. as far as I know I'm healthy as the proverbial horse, and in almost the best shape of my adult life. the cherry on the cake, of course, is justin, aka The Wonderous One. after taking stock I realized that there's not a lot more that I could want. a house, but that's pending. my dream job, but since I haven't ascertained what that is yet it can wait. I'm damn lucky.

ordinarily I shy away from making statements like that. when I do I usually knock on the nearest door frame hard enough to fell a mighty redwood and mumble something about "jinxing things." well, I'm tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm just going to sit back, relax, and remind myself that there isn't always another shoe. because you can't enjoy the ride if you're too preoccupied with crashing. I'll worry about the carnage when AND IF it happens.

that said, my superior ass is getting into my holier-than-thou bed so I can get some arrogant sleep.

my mind has been in random overdrive lately:

Q: if charlie tuna had a band, what genre would it be?
A: alba-core.

the next time someone starts telling me how great the atkins diet is, I'm going to respond with, "well, personally I'm a big fan of the edgar atkins teagarden diet. alllllll watermelon!" if the person actually knows what I'm talking about, I'm proposing marriage right there (sorry josh, you're disqualified; I'm already aware you're in the know on this one).

I realized tonight that time travel will never be discovered. if that was destined to happen, no high profile war/assassination/atrocity would have occurred. ever. at some point some enterprising person would zip back in history to stop them all. yeah, I know that's paradoxical, but everything about time travel is anyway.

okay, so I found my stepmother is an alien in the $5.50 dvd bin at wal-mart, which pleased me to no end. I remembered that alyson hannigan plays dan aykroyd's daughter, but forgot who plays her date. seth green. fellow buffy fans, isn't that the most twilight zone-esque thing ever? it's willow and oz, age 13.

since I haven't mentioned him in a bit, let me take this opportunity to say that justin is still the greatest. weekend + sexy, funny, sweet, intelligent guy = happy me.

it's 9 am. why am I awake? must remedy that posthaste.

random blurbs:

the september issue of GQ has so many pictures of iman in it. I like that.

how often do you wonder what would happen if you stopped worrying about everyone, everything, and the future in general and just went for broke? personally, I try for 5-6 times per day. it's like window shopping at neiman marcus when you're on a big lots budget. frustrating, but such pretty possibilities...

white chocolate kit kats rule.

angelica huston is the greatest living film actress. no contest.

the frigid breeze tonight means fall is definitely coming up, and fast. I've always professed a dislike for autumn--especially in the piedmont, where the leaves just turn brown for a day and fall off--but somehow it seems to be the season when I'm most in tune with myself. maybe I'll crank out some good prose before the first snowfall. I should designate a lucky writing sweater before october rolls around.

I think too much.

just a quick note to the folks at the north carolina d.o.t.:

I'm pleased that work is being done to improve the area around the new 85/business 85 interchange; I'm sure that pretty much every triad resident is. also, I realize that late at night is the most efficient time to get that work accomplished.

however, the madness must stop. lane closures with little warning, hastily constructed abrupt merging lanes, and being guided down exits THAT ARE COMPLETELY BLOCKED WITH CONSTRUCTION EQUIPMENT that forces drivers to swerve back onto the interstate and take the next turnoff. uncalled for. it's all fun and games until someone loses a fender.

just needed to vent.

stupid bi-lo can eat it. I was all set to buy some serious groceries tonight and they had to close the store because their computers were down. at least that's what they said--I'm sure it's all part of the big conspiracy. anyway, hit steak n shake instead. I'm going to get so freakin fat.

had a great conversation with nadine tonight about polyamorous relationships. what is it with my fascination with that topic? as a psych guy, I can say it's one of three things: need for affection, commitment phobia, or being raised in a rather non-traditional household. as a psych guy who also happens to be me, I can say it's probably all three.

bought a new refrigerator magnet on e-bay; it has a 1965 buick wildcat on it. the things I spend my money on.

call from carra today--carra, if you're reading this, I WILL call you this week! and I'm serious about coming to richmond to visit. a little change of scenery is always nice, and the woodham ladies sure know how to show a fella a good time, iffn you know whatta mean.

the franz show kicked asssssss. there were two opening bands, the futureheads and the delays. the former not anything special--sort of a poor man's franz ferdinand, really--but the latter purveyed some very nice synth pop sounds; I'd like to get their record. and f.f. was amazing as expected.

after the show it was me, josh, charlie, hannah, and michael at a bar in chapel hill. great bar, but I will never again drink four vodka martinis in one evening. never. no embarassing puking scenes or anything, but some scary drifting in and out of consciousness that I don't want to repeat.

so justin said tonight that he wants to be "exclusive." so I sez to him, "if that's what you want." meanwhile, I was thinking, "SCORE!" I mean, he's not my ideal or anything, but he requires a lot less compromise than most guys. definitely exclusive material.

now that I'm seeing someone and have more friends in gso that I want to spend time with, I'm thinking about changing shifts at work and going in at 7:30 instead of 6:00. I'll get a little less overtime, but I think it would be a boon as far as social interaction goes. I mean, I could actually have dinner with people! during the week! wow!

of course I COULD transfer to a day shift position...and take at least a $10k per year pay cut. nope, not gonna happen. but I really should start thinking about the long term, I guess: what I want to do and what classes I could take to do it. I still love my job, but in addition to the hours grating on my nerves, there's very little possibility of moving up the corporate ladder from where I am now. hmm.

also speaking of work, I turned in a vacation day for next month to see rilo kiley. technically that day was unavailable, but I was wearing really cute shoes when I asked christy about it and I think that did the trick. yeah, I'm now the proud owner of a pair of doc martens saddle shoes. I'm so cool.

having just washed down twizzlers with sweet tea, I'm good to go for a while. time to do some energetic tv watching.

okay, so the interestingness seems good. there's this guy, see; his name's justin. he's pretty fantastic. our first date was only monday, but we've seen each other twice since then (stayed at his place last night, haw haw) and have averaged one phone call and two e-mails per day. I could get very serious about him, and he says he's getting that way about me. the "says" is in italics because I subscribe to the theory that all gay men--except for myself--are intrinsically evil. time will tell. I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground, but it ain't easy.

seeing franz ferdinand tonight! kick ass.

not a lot more going on...but it's enough. I'm out.

re my september first entry on life being boring: I must make a mental note to be careful what I wish for, lest I get it.

all I'm prepared to say right now is that life has become interesting. I'm not sure yet if that's good or bad. when I figure it out, I'll have some more to say.

things I learned about myself tonight:

it doesn't matter what I do to change my looks. it doesn't matter how much new information I take in, or what trends I follow, what my philosophy is or whether I have one at all. there will always be fundamental things about my way of thinking that I can't change. and they're always going to make my life difficult.

I'm sick of always being the one taking the picture and never being the one in it.

and I'm really, really fucking tired of sponging off other people's popularity. too bad it's all I know how to do.

sorry about the negativity. it's not that I hate life. I just hate mine.

I have too much time on my hands, so here's another one:


You are ALVY SINGER. You would never wanna belong
to any club that would have someone like you
for a member, and you're into garbage, that's
your thing.


Which Woody Allen are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

like most pop culture quizzes, the answers are obvious. but how could I not take it? and I was honest...


You are Angela Chase. You blend in to everything
and you're sick of it. You distance yourself
from the old ways in order to find your
"new" identity. You want to be
noticed, especially by a certain someone. Hey,
we all struggle during adolescence...


Which My So-Called Life character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I've always prided myself on my inability to bore easily. "I get restless," I've been known to say, "but not bored." and it's true that my quirky brain is pretty good at amusing itself when external stimuli fail.

however, in recent days I've started to believe that it's a case of not seeing the forest for the trees. I admit it. I'm bored. not on a momentary level, but bored with the whole shebang.

I'd do something about it if I could figure out why. contrary to popular belief, my job isn't boring. greensboro isn't boring; I enjoy tooling around it in my very not-boring roadster. my friends certainly aren't boring. in fact, with my recently burgeoning social existence you'd think I'd be much more interested in life these days. nope. bored.

is it because I'm single? well, here's where I fess up and say that I have once again been consulting the online personals services. I've had considerable luck getting cyber hit-on, and have done a bit of correspondence with potential dating candidates.

guys bore me too.

I could chalk it up to being intrinsically boring myself, although I've been assured (and by fairly interesting people) that that's not the case. I mean, not that they'd tell me otherwise, but still.

granted, life could suddenly get interesting. I could break my leg. 4109 could fall into a sinkhole. martians could land, resurrect the body of balboa, and have him claim luke wilson's nose for spain. these things would be bad, and boredom is certainly preferable to them.

still.

if you're still reading this, I'll bet you're bored. I'll write again when something interesting happens.

mmm hmm.

man, tonight was so weird.

there was a lady in a bridal gown impersonating a rockette. there was a man yelling out "DIRTY SANCHEZ!" there was a fella wearing corduroys and a feather boa (and little else).

I took a tour of a half-renovated house. I ate cheese fries. I got a random guy's phone number. I slipped and fell down the hill in front of my apartment.

you know, hanging out with hannah is proving to be very, very interesting.

God bless her.

another week grinds to a close with the usual lack of fanfare. although my attitude is much improved since last weekend. my brain shifts gears waaaay too fast for me to obsess about things. that can be a good or a bad thing, though.

mom's getting two kittens tomorrow, one for her and one for me! mine's named willow. hers is named fostina. seriously. they're both purebred himalayans. I'll have to make a trip home in a couple weeks to pick her up-- if I decide to bring her here. as much as I love cats and as independent as they are, they're still a responsibility. and stripped down though my life is, I sometimes have trouble handling the ones I've got.

I actually did some real writing tonight. for a while there I was afraid I'd forgotten how.

I'd like to encourage everyone to join the fight in flipping the electronic bird to internet explorer. get firefox. it's the bee's knees. no pop-ups, no crashes, just brutal and unadulterated web surfin. and the built in wikipedia search still hasn't ceased to delight me.

call from sarah love today! must go out with her and catch up on things.

no call from hannah. does that mean she hasn't done anything exciting to catch me up on, or that she's too busy doing the exciting things?

after many months of trying, I think I've finally convinced my co-workers that I'm bonkers. for no good reason I brought up tramp steamers, then laughed for several minutes about the sheer existence of the term "tramp steamer." everyone looked at me funny. except nadine, who was too busy laughing herself. our brains definitely have some overlap.

all recent drunkenness aside, the fact remains that there's still a lot of p.b.r. in the fridge and it's my duty to help drink it. I will savor a can while reading selected passages from the westing game before turning in for the evening.

the following is a post that I made early this morning. I was tempted to delete it--it's so self-indulgent and whatnot--but instead I'll do a line-by-line analysis. editor's notes in brackets:

josh's birthday was today. happy birthday, josh. [yes, it was indeed josh's birthday]

we had a party. [yes, that too. pretty good]

I got drunk. in fact, I'm still pretty drunk. [oh, yeah. drunk was the word. vodka martinis all night long. no embarrasing puking or anything, but moving around became quite an adventure]

some people came. including hannah and her almost-but-not-quite boyfriend. [actually, they'd just spoken online a few times before last night. his name's travis. she just randomly IMed him from here and invited him down to chill.]

I'm in love with hannah's almost-but-not-quite boyfriend. he's as close to perfect as anyone I've ever met. [okay, that's a little overstated. change "in love with" to "remakably infatuated with," or "sweet on" if you like. take out that whole perfect sentence...no, leave it but change "perfect" to "my ideal guy." sounds less insane that way.]

jeez. I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. [that can be left as is.]

my parents are coming in six hours. bed. [they did come, and I took them and Josh out to ruth's chris steak house. yum. I did not go to bed immediately following this, though; I hadn't spent quite enough time feeling sorry for myself yet. but I did find the bed before passing out, at least.]

[end post; begin today's ACTUAL post]

yeah, it was quite an evening, and one that I haven't quite had the chance to recover from yet. but I've yet to spend an evening with hannah that hasn't required extensive recuperation time, and I mean that as a compliment. although I must say, seeing her with that cute little number is mentally taxing. I once said that my personal hell (because I believe that heaven and hell are both subjective) would involve spending eternity in a studio apartment with a group of sexy guys that all have sex with each other but never with me. I take that back. same scenario, but with hannah and travis in place of the men! but don't spread it around--don't want to give satan any ideas in case I fuck up too much in this lifetime.

which brings up an excellent point. straight people seem to recognize most of the personal issues involved with being gay--being shunned by the hetero community, feeling pressured to fit into the gay community, stereotypes, health hazards, etcetera. but I don't think that many people realize the gravity of the greatest problem of all. with the exception of those bastards lucky enough to be happy in committed relationships, we spend our lives wanting people that we can never have. and it's hell.

I'm not talking about spoiled kids seeing forbidden puppies in pet store windows. I'm talking about, "there's an enormous piece of my life missing, and wow! that guy's shaped exactly like it!" but it won't work. it's not even that he doesn't want you, he just can't. so you have to keep looking. and you find some new pieces, sure. but none of them ever really fit. and you start to think that living with a gaping hole in your world isn't really that bad. but you end up going back to the square pegs, just like you always do.

too many times I've bragged that I don't let myself be defined through other people, that I don't need validation through affection. any you know what? I could have saved a lot of syllables and just said, "I'm not human." because we all do, and we all need. it's part of who we are, just like that funky part of us that makes us need specific shapes of puzzle pieces.

I can't believe I just typed all this crap after berating myself for being self-indulgent last night. but I'm not depressed, or even moderately melancholy. a little disappointed, and a little discouraged. not with the way I am or the way anyone else is, really, but at the general state of things.

stupid things. they get you every time.

a list of bests

best doctor's office reading ever: harmonizer, the official magazine of the barbershop harmony society. I don't know how it wound up in the waiting room of lebauer healthcare, but I'm glad that it did.

best create your own pasta combo at macaroni grill: bowtie pasta, garlic cream sauce, green onions, sundried tomatoes.

best lemonade based alcoholic beverage: venetian lemonade at the aforementioned establishment.

best thing to ever happen to me at jiffy lube: getting a free oil change because it took twenty (gasp!) whole minutes.

you know, today was a pretty good day.

ah! nothing like coming home from a hard night's work to...house cleaning. it's a little known fact that the man who originated the phrase "it's a dirty job but somebody's got to do it" was also a prognosticator. yep, he could see right into 2004-era 4109. however, it should noted that he couldn't see himself in anything here--floors, windows, mirrors...

life-affirming moment of the day: reading that phish just played their last show. ever.

I'm by no means an ageist, nor do I routinely make superficial judgements. that said, old fat guys need to not hit on me.

have put on no less than seven pounds. kit kats have become too much of a guiding force in my life. must stop the insanity. remember susan powter? most people seem to have forgotten her, poor thing.

the teenage and twenty-something guys of america really need to stop trying to look like johnny knoxville. there's a lot to be said for the man himself, but as a mainstream look it's gettin old.

why aren't there many songs written about ships anymore? I think it's a shame. come to think of it, trains don't get sung about much either these days. the world's songwriters need to start giving mass transportation props again.

someone needs to randomly give me $35,000. that's about the difference between what I can afford to spend on a place to live and the cost of one of the new lofts at smothers place downtown. grr. well, the planned purchase is still almost a year away. anything could happen.

recalling an excellent observation bryan and I made some years ago: any food that can't be improved by adding peanut butter can be improved with barbecue sauce. the two magic culinary liquids.

great visit with tiffany this weekend. just BARELY got her to raleigh on time for her plane; the continental desk people were none too nice about it, either. in fact, I've never seen anyone less suited to dealing with the public than the personnel at that airport--the security people were just as bad. if anyone reading this can avoid flying out of rdu, please do so. gso might be pricier to fly from, but you don't get treated like a second class citizen.

anyway, she's off to seattle. am I sorry I'm not going with her? no. I'd love to live with her in a spiffy city like that, but I'd just have to give up too much. for her it's a great idea; she's got nothing to keep her anywhere else. but I've made a life for myself here. I may bitch about it to no end, but it's comfortable and familiar. although there are certain aspects of my circumstances that I'd like to change, I thank God for the others every day. if that makes me stodgy and lacking in adventure, then maybe I am. or maybe I'm just all grown up.

bought a pocket watch today. just the thing for a weak-wristed typist who enjoys looking quirky yet fashionable.

at nadine's recommendation, I've been reading good omens by neil gaiman and terry pratchett. I don't know when I've been given a better book to read. hi-larious.

progress on furniture: have found very possible sofa and chair for very reasonable price. progress on car repair: none. the neon green paint remains. must call tomorrow for estimate.

I've got errands to run. given the BEST WEATHER EVER we've had lately, it's happy miata time.

I think that collecting kites is one of the most romantic things I've ever heard of.

on my way home tonight I heard "like a rolling stone" on the radio. for the first time in at least ten years, it didn't make me feel nostalgic or melancholy. is that a good thing? or am I losing touch with who I used to be?

the search for new furniture begins tomorrow. I'm thinking sofa and armchair in contrasting browns, cushy enough to be comfortable but not so puffy as to look trailer-trashy.

excitement for the week: got cedric's oil changed. as per usual, jiffy lube got it done in about five minutes...but didn't tell me it was ready for twenty more. if I hadn't said, "uh, is my car finished?" I could still be sitting there. yep, two days later. you never know.

I bought a magnifying mirror the other day. I'm pretty sure it was one of the gayest things I've ever done.

cigarettes are so gross. I have to stop smoking. note that I didn't say I will stop smoking. but I might.

when I'm supreme ruler of the universe--it won't be long now--I'm starting a harem composed of celebrity guys 5'9" and under. amongst others, seth green, tobey maguire, and the aforementioned scott caan should start packing their bags immediately. tiffany is reserving men over six feet, and ali has dibs on the 5'10"-6'0" bracket. no one is safe from us.

the sun is a risin' and I've started looking at my bed more often than my monitor. peace out.

got tickets to see franz ferdinand at the cradle!  life is good.

I KNOW they're on automatic timers and all that nonsense, but I hate driving home on rainy nights and seeing sprinklers going full blast.  what's worse is when they're continously watering the road instead of the grass.  that's inexcusable.

 
I have a theory that everyone should have a friend named rhoda; I'm sad that I don't.  but if everyone felt this way, then parents the world over would start naming their daughters (and sons, for that matter) rhoda so that they'd have friends.  and really sucky people would start changing their names to rhoda as well.  the cachet of the name would be gone.

therefore, I'm glad that more people don't think like me.

random moment at work: nadine going on a rant about tipper gore that culminated with a proposal to fry her up and eat her for dinner.  you kinda had to be there.

ten things I learned on my spur-of-the-moment trip to d.c. this weekend:
 
1) ritz-carltons really are very cushy hotels.
2) despite my dislike for northern virginia as a whole, drivers there are actually quite courteous (they even signal to merge.  north carolinians, take note).
3) every painting by modigliani at the national gallery is currently in storage.  bet he's turning over in his grave.
4) for some reason, d.c. theaters tend not to start movies between 9 and 10 pm.
5) on occasion, metro cars are completely filled with a single southern family consisting of around 30 loud people that have about 10 teeth between them (and one disdainful homosexual with most of his intact).
6) although classy and intoxicating, cognac is gross.
7) I dig feather beds.
8) the beltway isn't as bad as I've been led to believe (well, not on a weekend anyway).
9) ikea no longer makes the knopf table lamp.
10) when in the throes of the second half of an all-nighter, I find hare krishnas inappropriately funny.

oh, and I didn't make this an item because its weird enough to deserve a separate mention: over thai food last night I joked (with james) that, with so much fragile kitchen stuff in my trunk, it would be just my luck to get rear ended on the drive home.

I did.

however, the driver of the vehicle was very apologetic and damage to my vehicle (cedric, thankfully, not ophelia) is minor.  no broken ikea glassware, either.  damage to myself: nil.  oh, wait--I mean TERRIBLE!  yes, the whiplash is awful and I must now sue for many thousands of dollars!

any ambulance chasers reading this?

gracious me!  sofia coppola and quentin tarantino are dating?  I don't know what to think.

speaking of filmmakers, I think I came across as a real asshole at work tonight for defending woody allen a little too vehemently against some critics.  but it's not my fault that people are stupid.

and as a final word on the subject of hollywood, I've decided to be annoyed with scott caan.  I realized that, although no one man embodies my physical ideal, he's awfully close (for those who aren't aware, short, dark haired, muscle-y guys are my type).  but he has this bad habit of being in either lame "guy movies" or artsy flicks too obscure even for me.  I'm tired of gazing longingly at still photos; he needs to do moving things that I can enjoy.  wow, did that come out wrong...wait, no it didn't.

admitting a weakness for fun, old fashioned, good pop music is nothing to be ashamed of.  as such, I'd like to highly recommend the cardigans' back catalog.  first band on the moon is such a great record, but from what I've heard of life it's even better.  and can I find it anywhere in greensboro?  hell no.  guess half.com can get some more of my business.

finally saw office space.  pretty good.  the similarities to my daily routine are pretty crazy.  there's a woman in the ratings department whom I've really begun to worry about; I think she might set the building on fire someday.

think I'll lie down and concentrating on digesting my waffle house and slim jim dinner.

ever drink pomegranate juice?  as I just discovered, it's good.  but damnably expensive.
 
at work I'm moving into an actual cubicle, which is very exciting (until now I've just had a sort of desk with built in walls).  I need to think of things to get agitated about so I can pace back and forth between partitions.
 
I'd like to nominate don henley's "dirty laundry" for the most striptease-conducive song ever.  come to think of it, all don henley songs lend themselves to burlesque.  I can even see a slow, contemplative bump and grind being done to "boys of summer."
 
nothing new with "the dave situation," by the way.  currently drama free, knock on wood.
 
does anyone know where I can get a statue of the venus de milo with a clock in the stomach?  you'd think those would be easier to find.  maybe I'll just have to make due with a rain lamp.  I'm feeling awfully kitschy lately.
 
going to get new glasses on saturday.  old school indie hornrims or professional black wire frames?  part of me just isn't ready to let the scenester image go; I might have to stick with the former.
 
sheetz burger and fries for dinner.  the exercise bike calls.