so I've got this friend...dave, yeah his name's dave. dave was sitting at home the other night when one of his co-workers randomly showed up at his door (it was 3 a.m., by the by). dave invited said co-worker in, and they had a chat. turns out co-worker is secretly gay and has a crush on dave, who does not return the sentiment. co-worker also offered dave sexual favors, which dave wisely declined. the best part? co-worker's married.

wow, glad I'm not dave.

so anyway, fabulous night at two friends' apartment with dinner, wine, and chuckles (but not the gummy candy kind. do they still make those? I kind of hope not). it's good to know that I can still function in social situations.

must go register ophelia tomorrow. I've been driving around in an illegal car for weeks. tsk, tsk.

I've been browsing real estate books lately. not that I'm buying a house anytime soon, but financially it would be a possibility in the not-so-distant future. knock on wood; no job's safe nowadays.

off to lie down, ponder dave's situation, and go to sleep.

work tonight taken up with meetings and bull sessions, so not too productive. but what a night! got a raise, which is fab. also, I've gotten praise from middle management before, but tonight I got kudos from upper middle management. gotta love that corporate structure.

haircut today. I need to stop cutting my hair so short; it makes me look like a monkey. also FINALLY got my NC driver's license today, so I look like a monkey on it.

I'm pleased that john edwards is running with kerry on the prez ticket. the dynamic duo is winning over the hearts of queer groups left and right; the national stonewall democrats call them "the most pro-gay, pro-family ticket in the history of presidential politics." isn't it sad that we have to say that about two men who don't endorse equal marriage rights? well, baby steps in the right direction.

belle and sebastian's "books" ep might be their most fun non-album release ever; it's certainly the peppiest one since "legal man." I like.

I love my co-worker nadine. when she's not gabbing with us on break she's taken to studying a textbook on the proper usage of old english, just for kicks. it makes me want to go out and learn things.

so I just went and learned this: monkey wrenches were invented by charles moncke, hence the name.

what's with me and monkeys?

well, today was just crap on a crap cracker. first of all, the sexiest man who ever lived up and dies, casting a pall over things. I slept too late to get anything accomplished other than going to work, where I had an irritating night overall (the entire city of rialto, california can go straight to hell). the good news? long weekend! woo hoo!

not to jump on the bandwagon and make my musical taste still more indie-stereotypical, but franz ferdinand is just about the greatest band ever. an easy 10 out of 10 on the fun scale.

no plans for the fourth. but then no one I've talked to has had plans for the fourth. patriotism is so passe.

in the absence of buffy, I've taken to watching my so-called life reruns. yeah...I've got your so-called life right here for ya.

speaking of reruns on noggin, enough bitching before I start sounding completely daria-esque. the weekend's here and I could use a vodka rocks. heh...that's funny. "VODKA ROCKS!" well, it does.

just realized that I've missed buying the last THREE belle and sebastian singles. what the hell's wrong with me?

cleaned my oven today. exciting.

tagline from my favorite movie, lawless heart: "is the life you have the life you want?" poignant. I remember when life used to be about...anything.

I'm not depressed. I'm not shouting for joy, either. I just am.

what am I doing wrong?

not a lot of interest happening, but I need a brief rant.

I admit it, I enjoy listening to the radio. and yes, I mean commercial radio. I grew up on oldies and eighties tunes, and since my childhood was a pleasant one I rather enjoy reliving it through cheesy old brainless music. on my way to and from work I tend to switch back and forth between two stations (each catering to one of the aforementioned genres). a little motown here, a little genesis there, and I'm ready to knock out some bills. it's like junk food for my ears.

but the testostazene commercials have to stop. if I have to listen to old kermit-the-frog-soundin, impotence-curin, "I-sound-like-I've-never-had-sex-anyway" doctor richard cohen m.d. (men's health specialist) just one more time I think I may go postal. the airwaves are polluted with his nasal, annoying, horrendous voice. if messr. cohen and I ever meet face to face, he's going to need a lot more than testostazine to feel like "the man he used to be." he's going to need all the royalties from those radio spots to pay for reconstructive surgery. if I hit the number 4 preset on my radio, I'm lookin for some billy ocean. I do NOT want to hear about erectile dysfunction. even hearing the commercial once a day would be all right. but no, I have to hear it 5+ times. once I myself am over the dreaded age of 35 (according to herr doktor that's when things start to go downhill), maybe I'll feel differently--although I certainly hope not. at any rate, keep an ear open for reports of a wild gunman holed up in the city club and opening fire on downtown. I may just get pushed too far.

that wasn't brief. I apologize.

question for the masses: in "shout," exactly what are the things that tears for fears can do without?

dumb things I get excited about at work: after working at o.d. for almost a year, tonight I finally got to send something to a branch of kaiser permanente. I wish it had been a credenza. but I bet all their offices already have credenzas.

okay, so I'd tried to put off posting this until I took pictures, but a couple weeks ago I bought a second car. her name's ophelia. she's a silver 2000 miata. in theory I wanted a smaller car to save gas, but who am I kidding. driving that car is more fun than at least 80% of the sex I've ever had.

if memory serves.

every night this week I've actually gotten 8 hours of sleep, so time to go and keep up the good schluff. unless the men come to fix the holes. yep, still got the holes.

ah, weekend! how do I love thee? well, there was a fabulous party at sarah rosenblatt's new digs this evening--I wasn't sure about going, but ended up being glad that I did. I'm glad that I'm not as heavy a drinker as I used to be. it makes heavy drinking so much more enjoyable when I do endulge in it.

so I bought the first season of northern exposure on dvd today. wow, best show ever (almost; it's up there--no buffy, but you know, what is). watching it makes me really want to go to alaska. right now. I know that it was filmed in washington state and that the real alaska is probably nothing like the idealized tv version, but whatthehell. I'm going. not sure when, but it will happen.

my apartment has big holes in the ceiling. all these workmen came in and cut them out. something to do with the plumbing. I dunno. they're supposed to repair them soon, but for now it's all about the holes. the other night I was concerned about the dilapidated state of 4109 and spent the night at the high point radisson. what a fantastic night's (day's) sleep that was! note to self: get window shades and fluff pillows more throroughly.

note to all blog readers: find me a date. I'm headed straight for dirty-old-man-dom, and fast. the only answer is to put a stop to all this single/celibate nonsense.

speaking of putting a stop to things, this whole drunken stupor thing is getting tiresome. off to bed.

before I say anything more, believe it or not I've updated petrified fountain with reviews of harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban (a new not-so-much) and delicatessen (an old favorite).

so about this time I should be full of wild stories about the caffeinated days, the flannel clad nights, and the rainy afternoons of seattle. well, I ain't. being as how I was feeling kinda homesick and just not feeling the crosscountry trip thing, I decided to just head back to dubya-vee-ay for a couple days instead. I went ahead and took my two vacation days last week, though, and thoroughly enjoyed spending some time lounging around 4109 and resting my fingers.

"but jeremy, how will you know if you want to move to seattle if you didn't go?"

which brings me to the big reason I didn't go. that's easy...I'm not moving. my reasons are multiple:

1) money. I currently can't afford to shell out the $3k dollars it would take to move bag and baggage to the west coast, and I certainly wouldn't have the money it would take to keep me going until I got settled into a new apartment/job/etcetera.

2) sanity. something that I momentarily lost when I considered giving up my cushy, pleasant, $36k a year job to sink over $14k into film school when I've barely touched a camera. I might hate making movies. I might despise it. and I want to rearrange my entire life to devote a year to doing it, a year that would be a waste of time and money if I ended up being miserable and/or no good? riiiight.

3) familiarity. I'll be the first to admit it. I'm in a rut. I'm in the freakin grand canyon. but it's a nice enough rut to stay in just a little longer, and there's something to be said for a predictable life. and when you're in a rut, it's safer to ease out slowly--not blast yourself out like a torpedo.

4) family. at the risk of sounding like a pansy (can't have that), being 3000 miles away from my loved ones would be as hard for me as for them.

5) opportunity. picking up stakes and starting fresh would give me the chance to start an entirely new life. but staying put gives me the chance to improve the one I've got. I'm currently without any loose ends, so I can focus my energies on things like losing weight, being more organized, socializing more, getting involved in the community. all things I've been wanting to do...and things I've been neglecting in light of the impending move.

I'm not going to be doing data entry ten years from now. too depressing. but one year...that doesn't sound so awful. just one more year to think and plan and scheme. I can't let myself take much more. otherwise I'll only be a little better than the kids from high school who stayed in bluefield and are currently employed at the d.q. and similar establishments, the kids I've always felt sorry for. the ones who are just too scared to live. I'm not scared. I just want to make sure the pool's filled with water before I dive in.

I graduated from guilford a year ago now, and a year is ample time to have made up my mind. but in grand tradition, I haven't used my time wisely. meanwhile, I've become much more comfortable than I'd anticipated. so I've just got to keep on truckin (wow, given my occupation I should add "no pun intended" there) for a while until I know what I want. not what I guess I want.

I've got more to say, but I'm running out of energy for the evening. this has been jeremy, live from the real world. until next time!

just another happy peppy post to remind y'all that life is dull and unexciting. but better that than lively and filled with drama. I used to think that I'd trade my banal existence for some dramatic happenings any day, but I'm older and wiser now (note: I believe that I last had those thoughts about four months ago).

although changes are in the works. or are they non-changes? can something be said to remain static and yet be changed? I suppose not. then again, maybe there will be true changes after all. this is getting confusing. more to follow soon.

seattle comin up this weekend, which is sure to result in fascinating blog material. I wish that the thought of going didn't make me feel cranky. let's face it; it's really just the thought of losing sleep to make my flight that does it. I guard my sleep jealously. for those of you that don't already know the embarrassing tale, I tried to convince the bad news bearers (walter matthau) on the morning of 9/11 to let me go back to sleep.

buffy season 6 on dvd today! since wal-mart hadn't yet put them out as of 3:30 a.m., I'll have to hope that I can track one down this afternoon.

I miss carra. no connecting thoughts there, just thought I'd throw that out.

let the wild rumpus start! on second thought, I'll just go to bed instead.

oh, and here's that self-esteem boost I've been needing:


You're Rubik's Cube!! You may think you're
popular, but you're actually extremely
annoying. Seriously.


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

another week of non-exploits. actually I did go to the beach yesterday, which was nice. however, given the rising price of petrol I'll have to start just going to wet n' wild (the carolinas' biggest waterpark, that is, and right here in g-boro) for sun and summer fun. yes, it's $22 per ticket. but getting to wrightsville and back costs about $40 in gas and around $10 for a day's parking. easy math, even for me.

of course, there is that pool a hundred yards or so from my front door. eh, why be sensible?

I ate vegetarian beef jerky today. honest. shiitake mushrooms and soy protein. tasted pretty good. but it didn't set very well on the tummy. but then what's a little nausea when you know that somewhere a cow is smiling without knowing exactly why?

regardless of the mixed jerky experience, I'd like to recommend earth fare's organic apple pie to everyone in the triad. here come those few pounds I've lost, floating back.

now that I've done my food reviews, I really need to write some more movie reviews in petrified fountain, and will do so soon. for now, suffice it to say that I recently saw band of outsiders (I'm not enough of a film snob YET to call it bande a part) and have come to the official conclusion that french people are weird. sorry, that's an unfair generalization. french people in the 60s were weird. I say that without fear of contradiction.

organic pie and new wave film. I disgust myself. I'm getting away from this thing to try and stop the encroaching pretentiousness. are there any adam sandler movies on the cable right now? I thought I might watch one while drinking hawaiian punch and scratching naughty body parts. that should hold it off.

wow, blogger looks different. I don't like it. but I could just be in a crabby mood; details to follow.

why today ruled: the folks at jiffy lube changed my oil and filter, checked my air filter, vacuumed the floor, cleaned the windows, and checked out the wipers...in under 10 minutes. this will amaze me for days. unless things start falling off the car.

why today sucked: my toilet doesn't work right now. well, it does, but I have to keep it turned off or the whole bathroom turns into a lake every hour or so. maintenance was supposed to come and fix it today. they didn't, making this the second time in a row that they just haven't bothered to respond to my request.

maybe I should ask the guys at jiffy lube to fix it. until such time, thank goodness we have two bathrooms.

only had to work until 3:00. luxurious!

had to change desks at work, though--I'm now stationed at what's known as "the cursed seat," because no temp employee has lasted more than a few weeks after moving there. as a permanent I should be safe, but several people have commented on my bravery.

good times in winston sunday. aunt kay kept conversation lively with her frequent outbursts of "shit!" and "God-a-mighty!" I love that woman.

time for suppa and telly.

another long non-writing interval. but talk about a whole lot of nothing going on! well, except for work. not once have I had to work under a 10 hour shift all week. well, time is money, and money is good.

I'm going insane. there's a pulsating high pitched noise outside that sounds sort of like a tuning fork. it's just soft enough to make me wonder if I'm imagining it. grr. annoying.

having a tough time at the supermarket lately. I'm running out of ideas for meals that are quick, easy, cheap, tasty, and healthy. here's an idea. someone needs to invent this special lasagna, see. it should come in one pound servings. it must be fat free and under 100 calories, despite being made with premium meats and cheeses. it should cost fifty cents. also, it should require no preparation or heating appliances. instead, a special magic wand will be provided that, when striking said pasta, will instantly heat it to the proper temperature. someone invent that.

was going to spend a day at the beach, but the forecast calls for storms. besides, I have to get up and drive to winston on sunday to hang with family. well, the ocean will still be there later.

hilarous conversation at work tonight about using a seadoo as a hearse. but you really had to be there.

I should really go to the guilco graduation, but as it's in five hours and I haven't gone to bed yet, don't think I'm gonna make it. sitting through one scorching hot grad ceremony was enough, truth be told.

am REALLY getting psyched about seattle. it's a shame that ali won't be able to get the apartment with holly and myself if I move. but miss golightly and myself together in "b-field with all the cool stuff" (affectionate nickname for seattle) would be a blast to end all blasts.

off to dream of the space needle.

a week and a half without rambling here. whafuck? two good weekends, tho. last sunday went to death cab in asheville with carra. third time I've seen that marvelous band, and it certainly was the charm--they were in their best form ever! ben was insanely hyper, doing crazy stunts on stage. and they all seemed really glad to be there, which can make such a huge difference in the quality of a show.

tonight was super-social. dinner with josh, tammy, tabitha and her hubby at carrabba's. then coffee with heather. then friendly gathering at lexington house with that whole crew.

the seattle venture has been postponed until memorial day weekend, as the days I wanted off work were taken. the closer it gets to d-day (and by that I mean decision day--to move or not to move, and where to move to), the closer I get to really, truly, and actually wanting to do it. screw making money. I need a life. I mean, I have one, and it's not bad. it's good. but how else will I ever know if it can be great?

decision: june first. at the latest. I never could work well without a deadline.

speaking of decisions, no new couch I don't think. I should really save my furniture buying stamina for when I have tons and tons of money (if that ever happens) and can do my entire living room in 60s mod style. I'm serious; I'd do it, but I'd have to have enough cash to buy every piece at once or it'd look funny. complete with hi-fi and tiki bar. I'd love it.

so guess what? if I can get off work the 5th through the 7th of next month I'm totally going to seattle for a long weekend. isn't that a gas? I could use a few days away from the hustle and bustle...and in a different hustle and bustle...and I'm going to schedule an appointment at s.f.i. to check out their facilities. if I like it, there's my plan for the fall. yeah doing things!

I filed my taxes, finally. am getting a swell refund. I think I'll invest it in a new sofa. mine has holes. holes are bad.

death cab on sunday with carra! I wonder what ben gibbard would do if I called his cell and asked him to have dinner with us before the show. I'm thinking he might be a little taken aback. ours was a fleeting encounter, after all. me and my celebrity friends. there's ben himself, whom I spent 20 minutes interviewing; jenny lewis, who never seems to quite remember me; and the star of a reebok commercial whom I kissed one new year's. I'm a regular hedda hopper.

speaking of hedda hopper...wow, that gives me a segway into absolutely nothing relevant to my life whatsoever. now I must dash; I have an unusual new hat to try on before I start writing my column about lunch with bill holden.

hoppy Easter. rolled in from wv a bit ago. drive report for the 'rents: fog between big walker tunnel and wytheville, rain ended in hillsville, but major fog between there and the blue ridge parkway. only a little fog on fancy gap mountain.

why the new sheetz in walkertown sucks:
1) no snapple sub zero.
2) slightly different menu defaults buffalo chicken sandwich to lettuce and tomato with no way of modifying it on the touchscreen.
3) employees become completely overwhelmed if more than 2-3 customers waiting (resulting in over 20 minutes to complete my order tonight).

why the new sheetz rules:
1) snazziest decor ever. I feel like I should wear a tie in there.
2) touchscreens at the gas pumps to place my food order while filling my tank.
3) espresso bar. do y'all understand the ramifications of that? we're talking about the ability to order a latte at 3 a.m. here. that is unprecedented.

since #3 on the suck list will probably diminish as time passes and #3 on the rule list will never cease to make me happy, I've decided that it's utopia. all hail!

while on the subject of food, one of the greatest injustices of our time: fizzy bottle caps, the greatest candy delicacy of my generation, ceased to exist about ten years ago. so why are our nation's candy counters still polluted by oddities such as smarties, clark bars, and--horror of horrors--chocolate velamints? who should I talk to about this? and no, "mental health professional" is NOT an acceptable answer.

experiment in progress: how to make people laugh when they don't expect to. in any not-too-serious conversation, when someone asks you a question (provided you haven't tried this before), look confused and respond with, "did you just call me phyllis?" so far I'm 2 for 2 on it working. tomorrow I try it at the office.

speaking of office, go me and my latest evaluation! a $2.08/hr raise. gotta love those eight cents. that new maserati gets closer every day.

eez time for wal-mart. must buy fixins for big honkin lowfat lasagna and printer cartridges and other exciting items (the names of which I'm not privileged to divulge at this time). okay, you drug it out of me. toothpaste. now all my secrets are out.

buffy is beginning to become a problem. first I laughed at it, then I watched it, now I invest money in it so I can watch it all the damn time. now I realize that respect for said series is crucial relationship criteria, right up there with admiration of belle and sebastian. also like b&s, I'm even starting to feel sorry for people who don't like it. well, hopefully the fever will die down before the sixth season comes out on dvd (on may 26th--46 days, 16 hours, and 29 minutes from now).

I had a marvelous dream the other night that I went to a church where dolly parton was the preacher. well, she did play an angel on "designing women" that time.

josh is in germany--er, he will be within a few hours. he'd better find a paternoster while he's over there, that's all I'm sayin.

lemon italian ice does not equal lemon sorbet. nope, not at all.

my upper teeth are killing me. just another happy byproduct of sinus congestion. grr.

"the bad people put a chip in my head...I want to be queen, and I'll fight 'til I'm dead. queen diana. queen dianaaaa!!!" (just felt like typing that)

that's it. going to bed before I get any weirder.

splendid weekend, snotty nose notwithstanding. went with josh and hannah to the q and not u show in the underground, where hannah and I inadvertently ended up working their merch table for a bit. then to friday's, then back here to watch rosemary's baby while playing drinking games (one drink each time one of the following was mentioned: baby names, tannis root, a play that guy was in. and a chug when minnie yells at roman for spilling vodka blush on the carpet). josh went to bed and h. and I to mcdonald's. fell into a marvelous vicodin-induced sleep around 9 a.m. seeing hannah again was great. hope we'll start hanging out on a regular basis.

perhaps josh's greatest observation ever: "whenever you go to a place where you're told you'll meet people from 'all walks of life,' you'll never meet anyone you'll like."

get this: 4109 is now (temporarily) a nielsen household. the greatest news of my life.

time to get my debilitated self up and clean various household things.

hope everyone had a happy john l. lewis day--april fools' day to non-mountaineers. and I hope y'all remembered to groom those eyebrows properly.

does anyone know what the difference between a denver omelet and a western omelet is? really? just curious.

pizza was bought for us by management at work as thanks for the crazy couple of weeks. I ate some. it was domino's. I managed to break my diet and my boycott at the same time. that corner booth in hell gets closer every day.

at last count, I am managing to be four of the seven dwarves at once: sleepy, grumpy, dopey, and sneezy. I'll be happy when I'm no longer sneezy. on occasion I'm bashful, but I'll never be doc. nicole can be doc. her and christopher lloyd.

oh, what a world. tonight at work wasn't too bad, but last night I was there for over 12 hours thanks to our lovely computer issues. at least I used the down time to sit at my desk and write dirty limericks about my co-workers.

I'm ill. josh is also ill, but whatever it is seems to be making the rounds so I can't hold him responsible. incredibly painful sore throat and aches. I'll go to the doc's in a couple of days if I don't perk up; could be strep.

tonight I advanced the theory that tv weathermen should work on commission. payment per correct forecast. now, I'm well aware that meteorologists essentially just pass along the messages given to them by their high tech equipment and shouldn't necessarily be held personally accountable for poor forecasting. however, I still think it would do the viewing public a lot of good to know that these false prophets are suffering for misleading the masses. I know I'd enjoy it.

spent waaaaay too much money yesterday. buffy season two, a light for dario, and a dvd recorder. that last one was semi-unplanned, but circuit city had the same one that I'd seen at wal-mart for over $100 less. just because it was a floor model and didn't have a box. screw the box--it works beautifully regardless.

and now for two magical foreign words: sauterne and shiatsu. best way to round off an evening.

got all amphetamined/caffeined up to do household chores, but I took things a bit far. I'm getting coffee-induced paranoia. does that happen to anyone else? no, I thought not. but hey, I even did my hand washing. that doesn't happen.

fun at guilco last night. serendipity and all that. enjoyed annoying everyone with my video camera. the evening was a strange mixture of "hey, I remember that person!" and "who the hell are all these people?" but good overall.

much conferencing with ali and tiffany about future plans. could it be that I actually have some? mebbe.

diet seriously screwed with by trip to cold stone tonight. I clearly asked for sweet cream yogurt but was given ice cream instead. rather than call the guy on it, I chose to look the other way. bad me, bad bad me.

gonna go finish laundry and try to ignore overwhelming urge to jog to burlington. I'll sleep when I'm dead.

time to revisit the subject of gay porn fan fiction. I'm glad that it's readily available about buffy; that's pleasing. there are web pages full of it--surprisingly (disturbingly?) well done pages. but people, please choose your matchups sensibly.

xander/oz = yummy.
xander/angel = quite nice
xander/spike = a little strange, but still okay.
xander/giles = NOT APPROPRIATE! anyone/giles = not appropriate.

I feel traumatized.

(I'm sure non buffy fans are busy not giving a damn, but I feel very strongly about this.)

how can I have lived for 23 years and never heard of deep fried mars bars being a popular snack in scotland? they are. I want one!

you know those situations where person A accuses person B of something, and person B says "do I look like the kind of person who...?" I've decided that people who say that are automatically guilty. it's too suspect. for example: someone asks me if I was the second gun on the grassy knoll. if I try to answer back with the kind-of-person routine, then I did, in fact, shoot jfk. it doesn't matter that I wasn't born yet and probably couldn't hit the side of a barn from ten feet if I did have a gun, I'm guilty. this theory should be admissable in court, I think.

interesting survey results in usa today, which I'd link to but it's acting wonky. anyway, the best u.s. cities for "dating scenes:" austin, colorado springs, san diego, seattle...and raleigh-durham? actually r-d was fourth, beating seattle. is it just me, or is that odd?

I'm starting to feel like a human being again for the first time in weeks. hope my spirits stay high. c'mon zoloft, work your magic.

actually doing well with my diet, more or less. if I can just get the initiative to dust off the stationary bike I'll start shaping up nicely.

discussion at work tonight leaves a still unanswered question. I pose this to all the pimply, thugged out, tricked-out-car driving wannabe playas out there, and I know there are a lot of you. your vehicles are generally impressive machines--metallic paint job, k&n filters, exhaust pipe big enough to stick your head into--and I totally respect the work that goes into them. but why do you recline your seats so far back if you're just going to HUNCH OVER THE DAMN WHEEL WITH YOUR NOSE PRACTICALLY TOUCHING THE WINDSHIELD??? IT LOOKS STUPID!!!

anyway.

went home and got cedric back, woo hoo! no more gas guzzling 4runner for me.

ali's birthday! happy birthday. isn't 23 absurd? I think it is.

writing under the influence of half a bottle of tequila. since my job robs me of a friday night, I don't feel guilty about making the most of sundays. doesn't everyone deserve two weekend nights? I think so.

started to watch lost in translation, but decided to see speedway junky for the 1000th time instead. one of the guiltiest of my guilty pleasures, it still makes me cry every time.

and it has prompted a rant. first of all, everyone stop for a minute and think about how lucky we all are to have been born human beings. I mean, couldn't we have just as easily been apes? or cockroaches? or paramecia? humans have the decided advantage of being tops in everything--intelligence, reasoning, the food chain. we're all damn lucky.

however, I feel that we're still bound by one major constraint: that of sexual orientation. all higher life forms are subject to the demands of the sex drive. in darwinian terms that makes sense. the survival of a species depends on its desire to procreate.

but, given the current state of our planet, is the predominant disposition toward heterosexual relationships really a sensible one? I won't explore that avenue any further for fear of sounding like I'm quoting the wanting seed. ever read that? it's pretty fucked up. I mean, it's by anthony burgess who wrote a clockwork orange, so of course it is. anyway.

still, think of what it would mean if everyone was completely and across the board bisexual! we could choose our life partners based solely on emotional and psychological attraction, and never mind the primal physical urges that we're such slaves to. divorce rates would plummet. societal tolerance levels for alternative lifestyles would surge. and, as far as darwinian principles go, I believe that the human race could still thrive while the problem of global overpopulation could be kept in check. as the "highest form of life," isn't that kind of freedom what we deserve?

sadly, there's still enough of the animal within all of us to make that kind of openmindedness impossible. perhaps human beings have made every possible stride in physical evolution. but who's to say that we won't continue to evolve psychologically? it is my hope that, even if it takes dozens of generations, we will reach this state of mind. only then can we live in harmony, fulfilled on every level. if you put aside societal convention, you'll see that I'm right. not that it matters--primal urges and whatnot--but I'm right. so there.

best get to bed soon. have volunteered to go into work an hour early every day. I have no life to speak of anyway, and I could use the money.

good morning, all.

feeling down tonight...this morning. once in a great while I get in this frame of mind I call "reality crash;" getting into the details of my thought processes is depressing, so suffice it to say that I feel a little hopeless at the moment. and, due to other situational factors, lonely. but before I get completely maudlin I'll shut up.

at least there's getting my car back to look forward to. going to wv on saturday morning to get the freshly repaired cedric. no more gas guzzler for me.

sticking to the diet, but feeling hungry and grumpy. I need to eat more regularly--part of the anorexic mindset (and ex-anorexic mindset) is equating the feeling of hunger with the sense that one is losing weight. the hungrier, the thinner. of course I'm more rational than that these days, but old habits die hard.

TGIF, baby.

ahhh. my neck's been incredibly sore and stiff lately, so I bought one of those perverted looking shiatzu massagers. perverse or not, it's wonderful.

started diet today. had ambitious plan to quit smoking as well...but decided to taper off instead, heh. I mean, trying to lose weight and lay off cigs at the same time? I must have been mad!

celebrated saint patty's day by...oh, never mind, I didn't. but I wore lots of green.

sick of working 90 minutes of overtime every freakin night. I'm never going to get anything accomplished other than job-related work if this keeps up, as it saps my energy so. and the laundry piles up, the oil doesn't get changed, the taxes don't get done...sigh.

enough bitching. time for some kickass lean cuisine! (yeah, I just keep telling myself that.)

had a random dream last night that I bought a 1971 chevelle ss for $2000. it looked like this. today went on ebay and found a 71 chevelle for $2000! it looks like this. aren't dreams wonderful things? anyone who wants to spend about $20k on me, now you know what to do.

foggiest night ever. had to creep home for fear of ending up like jayne mansfield. no pirates in it, though, nor did I see springheel jack. pity.

WILL call pitt tomorrow. is pittsburgh my best option? I wonder. by the end of the month all choices must be made; I have to stop being able to say "nothing's set in stone."

gotta go. my eggplant parmesan's not getting any warmer.

heh...we just had that party. I thoroughly enjoy attempting to type when I'm drunk. only a handful of people showed up, but it was a good handful.

cassie called. love cassie. love ali too; she's now MANAGER AT HER THEATER! might marry ali, except for cheesecake who I talk about in a minute.

why does bedroom smell like sweat? no sweat here.

no cheesecake, either. cheesecake is at the beach. in love with cheesecake? perhaps. debacle a thing of the past...infatuation not so. never been in love before, methinks. not in love now, either. being silly.

but josh made the best guacamole ever. stroh's isn't bad beer; had several. face is numb like from botox injections. oh, and the head! the head lolls like a proverbial bladder on a stick.

plan to sleep until monday afternoon. but first the shining is on tnt. whee!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION.
Sometimes, you wonder why you couldn't just be
Canadian. Some people say you are weird. You
have an interesting sense of humor and a
meaningless life. But, you're nearly Canadian,
so did you expect better?


Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

more international espionage should center around reels of microfilm. you don't hear enough anymore about government secrets, etc. being recorded on microfilm and stolen and/or smuggled.

annoyance at work last night: departmental meeting in everyone got chewed a new asshole in a very judge-judy-like fashion. when I think of the field day an industrial psychologist could have at my office. treating employees as people is not a new and revolutionary concept.

dammit, pitt, respond to my e-mail! I'm gonna have to call those bitches up. my future hangs in the balance here.

question for the masses: cutting a totino's crisp crust party pizza. four slices or six?

weight: a bit too much, probably
cigarettes: 4
alcohol units: 1--currently in progress
(am currently reading/enamored by bridget jones: the edge of reason, heh)

good weekend. afternoon at concord mills more than enough to make the cheesecake debacle a thing of the past (bangs no longer being subjected to molding wax). spent only a sensible couple hundred and got several great things. then to the movies in charlotte. I will get around to doing a review of it, but for now let me say GO SEE THE DREAMERS!

visit with 'rents good on sunday. take note: villarosa now sells their marinara sauce by the jar. mmm.

party in 4109 this saturday! here's hoping that guests are plentiful and (relatively) well behaved.

have been filming and writing a lot lately. some decent ideas; no great footage. at least not yet.

off to gobble candy and watch telly.

here comes the pissed off rant.

so, hello! cheesecake IS a damn breeder after all; this time it's straight from the horse's mouth and not based on some obnoxious grapevine gossip (I think mentioning that one lives with one's girlfriend is pretty strong evidence). I could kill scott for getting that started, and that goes double for michelle for passing it along AND encouraging me in pursuit! I should matchstick her buick's tires for that. I estimate that only about 15 people in the office are NOT laboring under the delusion that he's a poof, thanks to their efforts. but do I feel sorry for him? no! I won't tell anyone otherwise unless I'm asked. he's got some nerve being straight; let the whole world think he's a 'mo. I hope guys drive him nuts hitting on him. wait, no I don't. one wink and he's ahead of me (getting hit on by nasty express men salesmen doesn't count). and let's face it, he's probably ahead of me anyway. he's dangerous to homosexuals, that one. he's a siren luring us to emotional downfall. he has to be stopped. dammit, that's it. I'm honestly starting to believe that I'm going to die single. or worse still, end up the downmarket houseboy of some lecherous old antique dealer. death first. no, shopping first. lots of comfort shopping, enough charge card swiping to melt it. I'm going out tomorrow and buying enough new clothes to send an elephant down armani's catwalk. I may seethe with rage, and I may nurse my bruised-but-certainly-not-broken heart for a few days, but I'm going to look good doing it. and look good for myself, not spending absurd amounts of time exfoliating and shaping my bangs to impress that dumb awful...dumb awful...person (not that I, hem, ever did that)!

eat it.

(sorry about that, but I had invested a good bit of emotion in the situation and needed to vent. ah, feeling better!)

had a picnic in the park today, just me and some bruegger's and patricia highsmith (well, she's dead actually, but one of her books). this beautiful weather is too incredible.

I've developed a really nervous stomach lately. consequently, I'm not eating enough. as a result, I stay shaky about half the time. I just bought a shitload of zantac, and hopefully that'll quiet things down. I'm also not sleeping much, though--shoots my concentration all to hell. in a nutshell, I feel a little unglued of late.

upcoming visit from the 'rents on sunday. saturday night I'm tempted to drive to chapel hill to go to the movies again. the dreamers has finally opened!!! but I don't want to go alone, so in all likelihood it'll be a slow couple days. nothin wrong with that...I suppose.

circle up, y'all. cheesecake update.

he is. naturally, so am I. and he knows that I am, but doesn't know that I know that he knows. and I'm not sure whether he knows that I know that he is. I seem to be very much in the know, except that I don't know what to do now. given my timidity in these matters--and the ever growing attraction--it's best to hope that he makes a move, does something detestable, or gets fired as soon as possible. given the situation and the workplace, anything is plausible. needless to say, the warm weather is making things that much more difficult, as it's kept him from wearing that absurd scarf.

but no more about that until new developments occur. and speaking of new developments, there really isn't anything else. guess I'll go eat leftover mexican food.

roads melted. went into work after all. rather tired. situation with mister cheesecake still unresolved.

(since this was such a short post I was going to write it in the form of a telegram, but in researching I found that at no time have telegrams actually used the word "STOP" to separate anything in print. that's unfortunate; I always thought they did.)

it's the apocalypse. they actually let us go home early at work. but then, it is truly a blizzard out there--even by my mountaineer's standards. it is beautiful, but if it doesn't melt a bit I'm going to stun everyone by not going to work tomorrow. I saw too many people sliding into ditches. so there.

time to celebrate the evening with some cheezy movies.

I've been informed that my list of "arguments against gay marriage" is courtesy of the gator gay straight alliance. they seem to do a number of good works.

speaking of the gay, I must now recant on my statement about gentlemens' scarves, as the fellow (a co-worker) who inspired the comment is unfortunately growing on me. no puns, there.

but is he or isn't he?

arguments for:
1) an incredibly snazzy dresser.
2) his hairstyle must take at least ten minutes to get right.
3) a techie (top of the line cell phone, eagerness to discuss computers, and I dunno for sure but he oozes mac nerd).
4) loves cheesecake even though his "never turn out very well." and I quote.
5) seems much more comfortable in female company.
6) most importantly, drives a new vw jetta.

arguments against:
1) voice very masculine, no sign of lisp or nasality.
2) incredibly unsnazzy shoes, rather aged looking sneakers.
3) thumb-flicks his cigarettes (of the two methods used to remove ash from one's cigarette--the finger-tap and the thumb-flick--the finger-tap is most often seen in ladies, 'mos, and people who don't smoke regularly).
4) gestures and expressions tasteful and subdued; no histrionic hissy fits here.

so it seems that he is...but the vibe just isn't quite there. and I'm looking for it, believe me. but cheesecake and a jetta? I don't know why I even bother wondering. (disclaimer: any cheesecake-baking jetta-driving straight men reading this, don't be offended. but do give me your numbers.)

oh, for pete's sake.

You're Ulysses!

by James Joyce

Most people are convinced that you don't make any sense, but compared
to what else you could say, what you're saying now makes tons of sense. What people do
understand about you is your vulgarity, which has convinced people that you are at once
brilliant and repugnant. Meanwhile you are content to wander around aimlessly, taking in
the sights and sounds of the city. What you see is vast, almost limitless, and brings you
additional fame. When no one is looking, you dream of being a Greek folk hero.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

why eating six krystal cheeseburgers is like hiring a high-class call girl: sure it's a great experience, but you still feel dirty and ashamed afterwards. and perhaps--at least in the case of the krystals--a little ill. blaarrggh.

weird esp moment of the day: woke up with "ahab the arab" stuck in my head. haven't heard that in a quite a while (not that I've missed it). it was on the radio when I drove home. it was maybe the fifth time I've ever heard it on the airwaves. and lemme tell you, there are reasons for that.

I just don't know if I could ever date anyone who wears a scarf and tucks it into his coat. y'know, in that formal looking way that guys do? looking back I realize that I've worn my scarf that way before. I never will again.

and while I'm on the subject, I find this funny.

to reiterate my stance pro-gay marriage--and just to share this tasty little bit of satire with everyone--I offer:

Twelve Arguments Against Gay Marriage

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can't legally get married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed...since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to things like cars or longer lifespans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "seperate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Seperate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as seperate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

(oh, and I didn't write these myself. but whoever did deserves a medal.)

sometimes I'm so freakish. I went out today with the lofty goal of buying a DVD recorder. the wal-mart across the street was out. the wendover wal-mart was out. so what do I do? I drive to both high point and winston looking for the damn thing and couldn't find one. jeez, I could've called them first.

do you ever have days when everyone you encounter seems to be behaving in a socially unacceptable fashion? today I had to deal with people casually walking right up the middle of lee street (coliseum event or not, that's not okay), wal mart employees standing around and staring at me, and a sketchy random woman asking me for no earthly reason if I whiten my teeth--and then acting confused when I said no. she hadn't even seen my teeth. I'm never leaving the house again.

there's no reason to do a full fledged review of it, I don't think, but if you like suspense/horror/mystery films I can't recommend the changeling highly enough. they don't make 'em like that anymore. go rent it.

dude. they're totally putting self-checkouts in wal-mart. I don't know if I can handle this.

warning: semi-pessimistic discussion ahead. some lucky souls in the world are referred to as "born to do great things." often this phrase is used erroneously; the lifetime of a person is examined and the illogical conclusion is reached that their good deeds were "meant to be." in other, more esoteric circumstances, an elder (usually a religous person or one of the psychic bent) will insist that a young person--could be a newborn, one with a caul perhaps, heh--has a lofty destiny.

if people truly are born to do great things, it's only logical to assume that some others are born to do terrible things. but what if some people are just born into mediocrity? living life in a middle of the road, middle class (okay, I'll say it, bourgeois) fashion. doing well but not remarkably so. living a cookie cutter life that millions have led before.

accepting mediocrity is lazy. accepting ordained greatness is egotistical. I say screw fate or die trying.

(disclaimer: if political rants bore you, stop here.)

since that's out of the way, I feel the need to speak up about the recent flurry of gay marriages. lynch me if you like, but I'm with barney frank on this one. I am in favor of gay marriage and you'd better believe it. but not this way. the situation in san francisco is coming across as more of a hostile spit in the eye of tradition than a rational chain of events. and it's one that's leaving a bad taste in legislative mouths.

people, the fma is nipping at our heels, and homosexuals are working against themselves by moving full speed ahead. it's all fine and good and idealistic to want to change the system through revolution. but in reality, in order to enact true and lasting change, the smart idea is to play it cool and go through the proper channels--at least in this situation.

now, anyone with any sense could challenge me by saying, "well, what about the civil rights movement? would african-americans have achieved their ends by lying around and allowing beaurocratic red tape to tie them down? there were sit-ins, boycotts, protests, all flying in the face of the white majority. are you saying that those were bad ideas?"

in answer: of course not. but what we have to realize is that we're not just challenging social norms here, we're going up against religious traditionalists to boot. think of the times that we live in. we have a largely conservative administration that led us through the wake of 9-11, an event that brought Christianity to the forefront of many american minds (not to mention many american leaders' mouths). during the clinton years this business would have ruffled fewer feathers, methinks, and I'd probably have been right there on the "pro-marriage-now" side of things.

for now, we can only hope that the days of dubya are numbered. and until such time as he bids the white house farewell, I cannot be in favor of any action that could force a decision on gay marriage. because that's what's happening, folks. the more we revel now, the more we push the fma toward reality. gather ye rosebuds while ye may...before the powers that be come along with their pruning shears.

finally my new ATM card came. bout friggin time. of course I'm too lazy to just go to the bank and cash a check, so I've been living off pocket change for a week.

although poverty drove me to create a fantastic culinary delight that I call frog stew (there are no frogs in it, and it's not stew; nevertheless it's called frog stew). add a little salsa to a can of hormel turkey chili with beans and start heating it. meanwhile, boil two blocks of ramen, but put the seasoning packets in the water first thing--I used chicken, but I doubt if it makes a helluva lot of difference. once done, drain it completely. get the biggest bowl you can find, dump chili and noodles in and mix well. and I kid you not, it is sooooooo good. and a ton of food for quite little cash.

today was thursday, and that's always a good thing. it's payday. the knowledge that I have only one day of work before a reprieve is nice. most importantly, though, the weekend is just around the corner--but I haven't yet fully realized that I don't have jack shit planned for the weekend. that always sinks in on friday.

speaking of work, at long last my madness has begun to wear off on my co-workers. I now have them shouting at a ceiling vent in the breakroom on a regular basis, they have become more prone to "losing all muscular control," and they completely understood my comparison of the office to a pac-man game.

new at petrified fountain: a couple thoughts on the baftas and reviews of the triplets of belleville and hollywood ending.

[here was typed a rant about snow making greensboro shut down, but what's the use in complaining anymore? at least it's pretty outside. hmmph.]

ali, you mentioned needing "a plan." I almost have one formulated. brace yourself...I'll get back to you with specifics soon.

I'm starting to become concerned that I have a lot of repressed anger. it's become common for me to have these upsetting dreams in which I blow up at someone over nothing. I just start yelling at everyone around me like a madman. better that than actually doing it, I suppose.

I've taken some of my speedy pills and am washing them down with some of Gate's finest brewage. objective: to wear myself out by cleaning frantically, relax in a hot tub, get up early to go to Tate Street and do character sketches for a few hours before work.

since no one's around to hear my amusing story:

I'm very particular about my toilette; it's one of the few areas in my life where I insist on absolute and unwavering routine. after showering I dry off, apply deodorant, brush my teeth, and begin to dress. I also choose a cologne and spray it on my chest exactly twice.

today, rather than spritzing with cologne, my addled mind took a breather and I liberally coated my rather hirsute torso with spray hair gel before I could realize that the bottle was entirely the wrong size, color, and shape.

although I rectified the situation immediately, I contemplated not doing so. for if I am caught outside in fifty mile-per-hour winds without my shirt later tonight, my chest may get somewhat rumpled now. oh, well. it's a chance I'll take.

southward ho.

lucky.

1) I'm lucky to have my job. it's pleasant, steady, and I have some great co-workers. most importantly, it provides me with enough money to buy pretty much whatever I want. okay, no new maserati or anything. but if I feel like picking up some godiva chocs or some dvds or somethin, I can just go and do it.

2) I'm lucky to live in greensboro. it's large enough to be entertaining (anyone who complains about gso being boring just doesn't look around enough) but small enough to feel safe and familiar.

3) I'm lucky to live with josh. there aren't many people that I can really speak with and say whatever's on my mind without fear of seeming too random, too dense, or just flat out annoying. stream of consciousness relationships are rare; I tally up three in my lifetime. so it's good to live with one.

4) I'm lucky to have my apartment. granted it's a hellish commute to t-vegas from here, but not even in the chair city could we get a place like ours for the price.

5) I'm lucky to have my friends here. they're such a kooky bunch, and they all seem to understand when I get too caught up in my own little world to be with them as much as I'd like.

[furrows brow, ponders leaving greensboro]

unrelated note: does anyone remember the part in the stand where the scientist becomes obsessed with the spinning centrifuge in the laboratory filled with dead workers? how he consults the computer to ascertain the likelihood of the thing burning out before he goes friggin nuts? I feel his pain. the dryer must be repaired before the squeaking drives me bananas.

oh, and new links to your left.

good night at work. read p.g. wodehouse, discovered that an error had been made in my favor, and only a little overtime.

sad that wesley clark has bowed out of the running for prez biz. but I, like many americans I'm sure, am willing to throw my support behind whichever democratic candidate is chosen at the last. I'll bet even the 'rents are with me on this one. (former bush supporters both, although dad's usually as much a straight-ticket democrat as mom's a straight-ticket r-word. examining their political beliefs shows their policies to be even more absurd than they would be in most people.)

vague rumors of nasty weather prompted a d.j. to humorously remind his listeners to buy milk and bread. which made me think that the same people who run out to buy those things would also advise people to boil water when a woman is delivering a baby-- there's no concrete reason for doing that, by the way, at least not that I've found. one theory is that it was traditionally done to keep the expectant father out from under foot. I believe that. anyway:

if milk + bread = dumb and milk + bread = boiling water, then milk + bread = boiling water. you can't argue with that. no. don't even try.

new at petrified fountain: bubba ho-tep. see, I told you I'd review something new.

wackta weekend. little party at mary hobbs with the carra crew that got busted up and slapped with a fine. I paid out eight bucks for beer that got confiscated. hey, it was worth the excitement. although it might not be worth the alcohol fine for our gracious host, though we all offered to chip in.

to chapel hill tonight to see the aforementioned film. also went to strong's coffee, where I boggled at the energetic groups of fresh young collegiates talking about important things. culture and things. I thought, "gee. I miss doing that." then I realized that I never really did that. oh well.

signs of continuing spiral into madness:
1) newly piqued interest in kraftwerk
2) wearing a tie when drinking ritz brand soda (even with no one around to chuckle at it)
3) increasing ability to relate to aunt ada doom in cold comfort farm
4) overhearing at least one conversation a day that I dismiss as "bourgeois"
5) wondering too often if getting shot in the leg with a small caliber bullet could really hurt all that much

hi-ho!

new at petrified fountain: laurel canyon. one day I'll actually review something new, I promise.

went to wv for a coupla days, and it was nice. seeing the friggin superbowl wasn't so nice, but we put up a good fight. and I'm sure that some dirty fan fiction will turn up involving jake delhomme giving tom brady his comeuppance. I mean, can't you see it? some macho guy in a sports bar somewhere, eating hot wings, just itching for the game to be sewn up so he can see which q.b. should take the dominant and submissive (or offensive and defensive, if you will) roles in some juicy gay porn lit for the messageboards? hey, I don't write it. I just read it.

michelle said something the other day about a woman being "dressed to the teeth." can someone be dressed to the teeth? I know that one can be armed to the teeth, but I thought you had to be dressed to the nines. furthermore, what the hell are the nines?

I've been sort of down lately. just in general. dunno why. but I've decided to do one thing every day to better my situation, even if it's something dumb. like my piles of laundry, which are currently being washed. as a comfort plan it doesn't beat chocolate, but it also has fewer side effects. because ice cream makes your waist big. on the sides. but on the front too. jeez, I get dumber every day.

I had initially planned to integrate finishing all my applications by the end of the week into this plan, but my bank card has been cancelled due to fraudulent transactions, and I won't get the new one for a bit. hmm...I've only ever used it at secure sites, but somehow a net merchant calling itself "interbill" tampered around with it. I must be more vigilant.

oh, regarding my earlier "piano man" post. I really misunderstood that song as a kid; I forgot to mention my misheard lyric. to me, the line "the piano sounds like a carnival" sounded like "the piano sounds like a commodore," making me think that the instrument was emitting boops and beeps like those of a commodore 64. hey, I grew up in the 80s. it was in context.

thomas edison quit his job to start a laboratory.
charles lindbergh graduated from flight school.
sylvia plath graduated from smith and won a fulbright scholarship to cambridge.
lawrence olivier acted in his first film.
tim burton first got work in the film industry—as an animator at disney.
van morrison recorded astral weeks.
elvis costello recorded my aim is true.

I wonder if I'll do anything important while I'm 23?

also, I've seen this on a couple of other blogs and since mine is kinda funny:



create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

heh. california's all out there and shit.

gso, post storm. while much of the triad has been icebound, I've been slip-sliding away to work these past couple of days. yesterday only 11 people showed (out of the usual 70), but today was better. hopefully the roads will keep clearing up, although the purty white stuff can stay on the ground for a while.

finally bought the b&s for fans only dvd (sorry carra, but I had to get it at fye--borders was closed and couldn't find it anywhere else). fie on anyone who doesn't at least get moved into contemplative silence by "this is just a modern rock song." stuart murdoch WILL be mine. as soon as he gets over that whole straight/not knowing who I am thing.

actually, I could walk up to 90% of the people on the street and say, "hi. I'm stuart murdoch, and I'm the lead singer of a band called belle and sebastian," and no one would know any different. I could get to know these people, make them my friends. they'd call, "hey, stuart!" on the street, legitimizing it. popular opinion could decree that I am, in fact, stuart murdoch.

maybe I am. wow. cool.

just for giggles, let's see what I ate today:
2 cinnabon minibons (22g fat, 600 cal)
1 bag puff pastry cookies (I dunno; let's be kind and say 10g fat and 300 cal)
1 sheetz smokehouse burger (52g fat, 860 cal)
1 sheetz bucket o fryz (based on wendy's, around 25g fat and 530 cal)
TOTAL (not including beverages): 109g fat, 2290 cal.

oh, and 5 cigs. I'm going to hell. soon, with clogged arteries. I really need to watch it; I've really started to give my feet the appreciation they deserve now that I can see them.

I'm wearing my retainers for the first time in like a year. go me.

I think I'm going to make it my mission to move to canada; specifically to banff, because banff pisses me off. my fourth grade teacher showed us dozens of slides from her visit there (what a miss brodie thing to do!), and it is beautiful. but there's a population cap of 10k people, and you have to meet about that many requirements to live there at all. even buying property there is illegal if you don't rent it to a "legal resident." so I'm going to find a way. just wait. then I'm going to walk the streets, point at tourists and say,"I live here and you don't." fuckin-a.

can I just say what a shockingly small difference my seemingly large raise has made in my paycheck? hardly enough to keep me in stockings and fans. or cashmere and godiva, if you will.

I really shouldn't complain so much.

speaking of work, got my w2 from united. soon I'll get the one from o.d. then I have to figure out what to do with them.

y'know the line in billy joel's "the piano man" that goes "they sit at the bar/and put bread in my jar?" when I was a kid I thought people were actually giving him bread.

12 hours of work yesterday and 9 today. kooky stuff. computers are still acting retarded (p.c. be damned, the computers are retarded. it's the only word. if they get offended I'll delete this).

although I still went to burlington for krystal munchies after work. and I don't regret a mile of it.

weekend coming up. hmm. maybe I'll call tia. she must think I'm dead.

I've yet to see the triplets of belleville in the listings of any theaters within an hour radius, and I'm getting irritated about it.

gotta run. billy joel just came in, arms laden with baked goods. must have been a good night at the 88s (I love it when people refer to piano keys as 88s).

oh, and at petrified fountain: monstrously long-winded review of big fish and the only golden globes picks you need.

tonight's theme: work.

variations on theme:

typical. everyone went home at 9:30 tonight. they were trying to fix a problem we've been having with the computers and ended up making them worse. now we all go in early and stay late tomorrow. but hey, it's still fun to have an evening off.

optimistic. just in case I do end up relocating this fall, I've been able to find a number of jobs in my interested locales that I'd be uber-qualified for. and I'd only have to take a slight pay cut...well, it's still comforting to know that I should have a much easier time finding work than I did last summer.

silly and conceited. I wore that new banana republic outfit to work yesterday and no one even commented on it! now I'm all self-conscious that it doesn't look so nice after all. hmmph.

did get to winston today. scored a cashmere sweater at like 60% off. dinner at olive garden with j and b (heh...that's a whiskey) followed by a movie, big fish, which I plan to do a lengthy p.f. post about soon. but for now, I say this: see it. please. it's one of only 4 or 5 films I've seen that have honestly made me examine life from a different perspective.

and it's put me in an introspective mood. that and a fun night out with ashley and carra at jake's, followed by buffy and snuggling with carra here. but anyway, here's the thing. I realize that I've become so caught up with my routine and my everyday goals--work, make money, do the basic things I have to do to get by--that I've lost sight of how multifaceted the human mind can be. well, maybe it's less that and more losing sight of the human spirit. I'm not saying that I've become more of a machine than a man (perish the robotic thought). but it's a friendly reminder to acknowledge that I need, to use the old cliche, to get a life.

I'm working on it. because nights like tonight remind me that a life is a good thing to have.

jake's must be slipping narcotics into their waffles, because I'm so tired. well, it is sunrise and about my bedtime, after all. ta.

and speaking of trendy, as lame as it is I thoroughly enjoy liquidgeneration. in fact, I shall now indulge in posting my results from one of their quizzes:

I didn't see the whole thing and so won't do a review, but I saw most of best laid plans the other night and actually sort of/maybe/probably liked it. I have to give her credit; throughout her career reese witherspoon has made some really commendable (and varied) role choices.

but mostly I think I just like alessandro nivola, who has become my new celeb crush. it's a good one I think--not common enough to be generic but conventionally handsome enough to wear with pride. in fact, he's finally pushed me into renting laurel canyon (I've meant to anyway). however, I will NOT rent jurassic park 3 regardless.

(note: I just highlighted and deleted a lengthy rant on the label "college rock" and mtv execs that I had typed here. my arguments weren't developed enough. but don't say "college rock;" it's even worse than the aforementioned p-word.)

I'd like to stay up and hit the trough for breakfast, but I'd also like to go to winston to shop tomorrow. which entails waking up before sunset. so off I go to curl up in bed with a cup of hot rooibos (at the risk of seeming trendy if not...gulp...outright metrosexual, have y'all tried the stuff? it's goooood).

HOLY SHIT! apparently TWO sheetz stores are being built on wendover avenue (he says stuffed full of the buffalo chicken and fryz that he just drove to virginia to get, cursing nicole for making him an addict)! that's the best news ever. EVERRRRR!

that's all for now. I'm too overcome to write any more.

oh, and one more thing.

anyone conversing with me is forbidden to use the word "pundit."

I'm tired of it.

I'll just walk away, really. try me.

question.

which version of this line from "puttin on the ritz" do you prefer?
A) come let's mix where rockefellers waltz with sticks or umbrellers in their mitts
B) come let's mix where rockefellas waltz with sticks or umbrellas in their mitts

I think that B was irving berlin's original lyric, but I have a strong preference for version A, as sung by gene wilder in young frankenstein. true, taco did sing version B, but I have to stand my ground on this one.

remember back in the day when eeeeeveryone used freeman skin/hair care products? what happened? you can still get them, but they're hard to find. I remember at one point in the mid-90s I regularly used the apricot facial scrub, the raspberry body scrub, the cucumber face mask, AND the sunflower hair infusion. I'm totally going to instigate a freeman revival. the gay teenage boys of today need to recognize.

currently working on: stop smoking, take 15.8 or so. once again, I've stocked up on gum. I think my mistake before was relying on extra. a situation of this magnitude calls for bubblicious.

I've compiled a list of the funniest things my friends have ever said (at least, the ones I can think of right now). taken out of context makes some even funnier. at the risk of pissing people off, they are ranked--with #1 being my favorite.

20. where is chair? I come from russia to see chair!
19. don’t test me; I’m unmedicated.
18. what goes on in there? HEY!
17. heh…paleface.
16. I knew a girl named rutago. she was a spice.
15. hey naked lady!
14. God bless the prostitutes.
13. when they put their heads under the water. that’s when you get ‘em.
12. I’ve been dead for three years!
11. I can handle this high performance vehicle.
10. isn’t there something about roseanne roseanna danna that’s “comin for to carry you home?”
9. caffeine suppositories? I’ll bet those really get your ass goin.
8. bread man won’t be here ‘til tuesday.
7. please. you’re paying more money for less doors. what’s the point in that?
6. josh one, autoharps zero.
5. they stand on their own.
4. that tree’s diseased.
3. well, the native americans are an ancient people.
2. he’s gone mental on account of the witch skin!
1. I don’t have any Indian food, but I can give you a toasted waffle and a picture of jude law.

hanging with heather (both heathers, actually) was a blast. saw the station agent again; was even better the second time. cute waiter at harper's, as well.

since it was sunday, tonight was girly spa night. I'm thoroughly scrubbed, exfoliated, moisturized. and ready for bed.

new at petrified fountain: gerry. seeing it has put me in an introspective mood. it's also solidified my slightly shameful crush on casey affleck.

physical attraction, for me, is kind of like this. some guys must be seen in public with; maybe they're stunning model types, or maybe they're just hip beyond belief. some guys should be screwed around with on the d.l.--maybe not so perfect, but they get you fired up for some weird reason. then there are guys whose face needs to be on the pillow next to yours when you wake up. senor affleck, I've got your pillow all fluffed and waiting.

I'm actually meeting heather for coffee and giggles tomorrow. how freakin long has it been since I've really done anything, as in going out? a while.

I got a random craving for prunes last night. that's never happened. kinda weird. have you noticed that "prunes" are now "dried plums" in the supermarket? well, did you know that america's prune farmers invested $10 million in an image campaign to make that happen? it's like, okay. they're still prunes. I've always liked them anyway.

I'm not a big football fan or anything, but did y'all see the carolina game today? I mean, fuck me gently with a chainsaw! but it sho did come out all right.

greensboro is pretty in snow, methinks. it's a shame it's going to warm up monday and melt it all. wait, no it's not. it's fuckin cold!

I found out on sunday that I can make a flawlessly risen souffle. it's good to know.

got a raise at work, and a better one than I thought. I won't be crass with specifics, but it gives my annual income a new first digit. my celebration? skipping my much wanted mickey d's to come home and eat a frozen bagel out of thrift. jeez, I guess if I was a millionaire I'd starve myself to death. like this lady I read about one time? there was this lady, see. and she only ate cold oatmeal because heating it cost money. and her son had to have his leg amputated because she wouldn't pay for his operation. she died a millionaire. yep, me and that lady. two peas in a pod.

23 days until turning 23. 23's a dumb age, certainly one of the more boring prime numbers. I still haven't decided if I'm going through with it. I might just refuse.

if my hair gets much longer I'm afraid it's going to go into a marlo thomas flip. tomorrow shall be the day of cutting.

and tonight shall be the orgy. okay, okay, identical-triplet-runway-models-from-somewhere-intriguing-like-cyprus, don't rip the sheets, I'm coming.

I should really develop a more efficient way of keeping 4109 clean, but I kinda like my all day/night scrubbing binges. viva saturday night!

I got off work at 10 p.m. last night, which was so odd. there just wasn't any work for anyone to do. that means we'll probably get swamped monday, though. well.

does anyone else find it strange that telekinesis as a method of masturbation hasn't been explored in literature or film? yeah...I was afraid I was alone in thinking so.

back to my romantic evening with the household appliances.

happy new year, everyone. and rabbit rabbit.

new posts at petrified fountain: rat race and george washington. jeez, what a combo. more to come as soon as I get around to it.

my resolutions (which I'm sure to break, now that I'm making them known):
1) stop smoking, cause it's bad for you.
2) eat tofu at least once a week, cause it's good for you.
3) lose ten more pounds.
4) shoot at least one decent film short. hey, it's a start.
5) be more diligent about keeping in touch with people. just in general.

so what will 2004 bring? 2003 gave me a lot of insight into relationships, my personal strengths and weaknesses, and my long-term goals. most importantly, it taught me a lot about being self-sufficient; it's not the scary bugger-all that I always anticipated. I think the key to having a successful new year is to use that knowledge to the best of my ability. yeah. let's hope that works.

speaking of scary bugger-alls, I have to be at the office at 10 a.m. thankfully I am a lazy enough slob to have prepared by sleeping until 7:30 p.m. beforehand so I can just stay up. yee haw!

top 10 things I learned this Christmas:

10) some people put beringer's white zinfandel in spaghetti sauce. um...
9) ball family gatherings are much less interesting when no one over 40 mentions chaka khan. it should be a requirement.
8) love's beef jerky is more addictive than cocaine.
7) pay no attention to the australian guy in the commercial. hoover floormates do not work, and you can get a really nice mop for that kind of money.
6) one sliced ham is not like another.
5) apparently bristol, virginia is totally crunk.
4) I can sleep for 18 hours at a stretch.
3) macado's currently offers a special holiday drink the exact same shade of pink as a victoria's secret bag.
2) medical students find the amputated breasts of cadavers rather boring.
1) messy apartments don't wish their tenants a merry Christmas by cleaning themselves up. it was all a hoax, dammit.

happy yule, y'all. it's been a fine family Christmas up in here. the eve was spent with all of dad's family here at home, washing down mom's famed broccoli casserole with dad's famed bourbon and cokes. Christmas day proper? nuthin. a blessed day of lying around and not shaving.

tonight was the "company dinner" for the consignment shop. a party of 14 converged on the new ultraswank david's restaurant for culinary carnage. then off to the hancocks' house for apertifs and the reading of THE POEM--an annually composed piece that comically lists off all the goings-on at the store. talk about a bourgeois bunch...I kid you not, there was bossanova eminating from somewhere in the house and no fewer than two attorneys present. but it was fun.

tomorrow, Christmas III: The Siblings. rick, debbie, and merry crew invade the old homestead to recreate wednesday with a new cast. then back to good old 4109 and work at the butt-crack of dawn on sunday (read: noon).

got dario. have shot some...typical home movies. also scored a bunch of new stuff that it would be tiresome and braggardly (?) to list here, but I feel loved.

we even had some snow, a dusting.

until I get back to my high speed connection, I wish constant reader a fine few days of afterglow.

just some randomness.

tonight I was made fully aware of being a southerner. at work I asked tabitha for 60 cents to get a coke from the machine. but the whole time I knew I was going to get a dr. pepper. I called a can of dr. pepper "a coke" without even thinking about it. for some reason, I feel a great surge of pride at this.

I'd like to see a post-apocalyptic film--along the lines of the stand--in which biker gangs take up residence in monticello. wouldn't that rule? perhaps a rival gang could set up shop in mount vernon and they could have gang wars, staining the fertile ground of the old virginny foothills with their vicious, angry blood. yes, I'd like that.

so I finally completed the ebay transaction for my christmas present from my parents (the one that I ordered for them, heh), and it should be here...well, maybe a bit after christmas. but he'll be worth the wait: a digital camcorder named dario. he's a sony dcr-trv33 (which I chose for the excellent resolution, mini dv format, and versatile hotshoe with a plethora of available attachments). in other words, it's a nice 'un.

but what am I going to do with it...?

I stopped by teeter on my way home and picked up some sushi. I'm gonna go chow down on some raw eel and watch telly and wait for the sun to come up.

a funny thing happened on the way to the cubicle.

I was on my way into work tonight and noticed some people standing around in the breakroom. as I got closer I noticed that one was an old man with a banjo. then I saw that they were all old men with instruments--guitars, etc. they were standing on a dais by the TV room; there were amps there, but they weren't turned on. I went in and walked past. they were singing something bluegrass-y. it was very confusing.

so I go upstairs. "hey, ginger, who are those guys downstairs?"

she's perplexed, and she always knows what's going on. so she asks christy. she doesn't know, and she's the floor supervisor. the upshot: everyone who'd passed through the breakroom had seen the quartet...but absolutely no one had any idea who they were or what their business was. it was hilarious.

I just thought that was worth sharing.

in case y'all haven't figured it out, I like movies. and talking about them. a lot. but I recognize that a lot of people honestly couldn't give a crap about my take on this film or that. so I've started a new blog just for my cinematic ramblings: petrified fountain of thought. it's a big mess right now, but I'll be working on it. today's "reviews:" the station agent, metropolis and rashomon.

give it a read. or don't. that's the idea, anyway.

fed up. do you ever just feel fed up? in general? at work tonight I found myself shuffling papers and thinking (in a mental muttering sort of way), "bastards. they won't be happy until I'm dead in my grave." then I asked myself who they were. I don't know. all the forces of annoyance that pervade my life.

mostly I'm worried that my supes at work are trying to screw me out of a raise. my quarterly review seems to be off-kilter; I'm either misreading the numbers or someone has accidentally or purposely fucked up. translation: come january I should be earning at LEAST $14/hr, but right now on paper it looks like 12. this situation will be remedied. if not, I'll give my notice just before I go for jugulars with my staple remover.

james is here, woo hoo! I think I'll try to hijack him over to chapel hill to see the station agent with me.

okay, speaking of movies. the list. I have the list...

columbia college
seattle film institute
academy of art college
uncg
university of pittsburgh
new york film academy

those are in order of preference...sort of. I'm just going to see what all the dept. heads say.

at the risk of being trendy (perish the thought), I wholeheartedly recommend the darkness' permission to land. got an appreciation for 80s metal? got a sense of humor, even a mediocre one? this album is a must. best enjoyed in rush hour traffic, shamelessly rocking out and disturbing the commuters.

the only shopping I've done so far is online. I be lazy as hell.

last night was bizarro. josh and I went to warehouse to a drag show/Christmas pageant thing put on by some folks we know. we were dreadfully out of our element. I drank a nauseating number of gin and tonics.

I've realized that I could be a club kid, and have fun doing it. but it would necessitate drunkenness. as much as I think that thoreau was a pretentious blowhard, he said one smart thing: "beware of enterprises that require new clothes." my credo: "beware of fun that requires substances;" it means that either you're lame or the thing that you're going to do is lame.

I now have a netflix membership. it's the greatest thing in the world. so this weekend I watched:

the bicycle thief. I disagree with the masses who claim that it's one of the greatest films ever made, but it is good. a very compelling story, simply done and relatable.

what's up, tiger lily? disappointed. woody allen meets mst3k ought to be funny, but isn't. there are a few big laughs, but scattered ones.

lawless heart. holy shit. I saw this in nyc in march and had to see it again. it is tragic how few people seem to have seen this film. I think...drumroll please...it might be my new favorite movie. ever. seriously. rent it asap. no, just buy it.

eban came over today to watch football with josh. I made homemade potato soup. I generally pooh-pooh my own cooking, but damn it turned out tasty.

I need to pick out at least one friend to say that I've been to prague with. then, when we're around people who don't know any better, I can turn to him/her and say, "remember that blahblahblah in prague that time...?" and he/she will play along and we'll laugh heartily. the other person will think we're the shit for having gotten into mischief in prague. I'd like that.

but for now, mischief in bed. ooh, that sounds bad. just sleep.

the plague kept me out of work yesterday; I was up all night coughing. went to the doc-in-the-box across the street and got lots of pills. mmm...hydrocodone. back at the grind today, though.

must Christmas shop this weekend. out of town for it? perhaps.

so there are three kinds of people, I think. Yeses, Nos, and Maybes. a Yes sets goals, puts forth the effort to acheive them, and generally gets what he wants. I hate Yeses. a No sets goals, puts forth effort, and generally fails miserably. I feel sorry for Nos. a Maybe sets goals and puts forth no effort, but thinks that he could achieve them if he tried...when he's really just afraid of being a No.

I'm such a Maybe.

I'm starting to relate to john cougar mellancamp songs a little too much. this means that I'm either all grown up and nostalgic or incredibly lame. all grown up and incredibly, nostalgically lame? yep, that sums it up.

I have to go and scrounge up some food. I spent $7.25 on chinese at work and put the leftovers in the fridge there. given how much I ate, that's about $4.97 worth of food that I totally ran off and forgot in thomasville. grr.

well, it's happened. the plague that's been going around the office has struck me. so far I've got a swollen and sore throat, hacking cough, headache, overallache, and low grade fever (the kind that makes just brushing against your clothes hurt). those who have already been stricken have advised me to batten down the hatches for at least 2 days off my feet at home, but I'm not missing work unless the need is very dire. but if I'm not improved by wednesday I'll see what the doc's got to say.

according to his online journal, stuart murdoch is a) freshly single and b) sexually frustrated. heh...step into my office, baby.

I started writing this really pseudo-intellectual thingie today about paranormal versus supernatural fiction writing. my theory is that it takes more talent to write effectively visceral supernatural work because all the elements must be conjured up from scratch. in paranormal fiction, parts of it already exist--therefore, it's easier to make them frightening/disturbing; one only has to make them behave in abnormal ways. hmm...I was able to make that a lot clearer earlier. shit, I'm tired.

goal updates:
weight--stable.
bank balance--decidedly unstable (stupid rent. stupid dry cleaning. stupid CVS. STUPID!)

I am so tired of credit card commercials in general. in every one, they show the card being swiped WITH THE STRIPE UP! hellooooo! that won't work! I don't care if you're showing off the name of your precious Discover card, let's have some realism here!

for some reason my nyquil's made me hyper. I'll go stare goggle-eyed at the wall (or perhaps wall-eyed, har har) and try to sleep. try.

happy turkey day, everyone. I write this in the wake of a truly marvelous thankgiving dinner, courtesy of rick and pam (that's my brother and his fiancee, to those of you not as hip to my world as you OUGHT to be). so much for taking off any more weight, at least for these few days. man. four days of not being at work. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. the only downside of the holiday was stopping by the coffeehouse yesterday afternoon and finding that they'd already closed. fuckers.

as t-day departs, Christmas looms. I've never done all my own shopping before, with all my own cash. it's a daunting prospect. I may ring in the new year from a well padded booby hatch, but hopefully have some fun getting there.

I'm going to go curl up with a bad book or something. will update with all the philosophical and intellectual insights sure to come out of a trip to the old homestead. may your sleep have the depth of a tryptophan addict's.

I knew as soon as I wrote about being miserable that life would perk up. actually, it has; I had a really nice weekend. last night was the disband/tigerbearwolf show/cd release party at gate city. then to a party on lexington ave with that whole crew--not as good as the last one, but really fun. got some properly embarrassing pictures.

today I talked to cassie for the first time in aaaaaages. I guess it was kind of a good thing that we hadn't been in touch since may, as I actually had things to talk about, heh. I sho do miss her.

car has been tended to. go me. lots of laundry getting done. keep going, me.

joined friendster. I advise everyone to do the same.

thanksgiving will be spent at rick and pam's house. that'll be nice, but I really hope that pugsly doesn't go off on too many tangents about k-mart. I think I actually get sunday off, too, but I won't know until tomorrow.

time to fluff and fold, y'all.

and time marches on...apparently there's a rumor circulating in greensboro that I'm dead--that, I believe, is seriously debatable. this is an a.p.b. for anyone who can tolerate my presence to give me a call! I have no life anymore! aaahhhh!

I'm trying to remember when I went to see lost in translation was it the 1st? shit, I think it was. that is the last time I did...anything. God bless josh for being around to keep me company. he's my thin connection to sanity. but I can never seem to get a hold of anyone. either a) people are too busy or b) they think I'm too busy. so when weekends roll around, I generally spend them counting the hours until monday. yup.

but enough ranting. o.d.'s thanksgiving dinner was tonight. I made a terrifying amount of mashed potatoes, and most were eaten and no one was poisoned. it was fun.

my car is now almost 5k miles overdue for an oil change, a situation that will be rectified tomorrow afternoon. just thought I'd share.

a decree: whenever I have the misfortune to be driving around town in the rain, hot guys in shorts and tight t-shirts should run by, getting progressively more soaked. I demand it.

movie suggestion: the grifters. I saw the last third on bravo and went out and bought it the next day based on that (I've only done that twice; other time was harold and maude). goooood decision. I think it's already in my top 10, or somewhere close to it. but don't bother with sidewalks of new york. I was disappointed, although it was nice to see heather graham playing a non-bimbo character. I guess I'll start admitting that we have the same birthday.

emerson be damned, I've decided that under no circumstances will I move to boston. I'm going to make it a lifelong rule to never live in an area where the native accent annoys me. except for brooklyn, maybe, and it's not so bad.

some goals.
currently:
weight--175 (down 20 lbs since the summer, baby).
bank balance--$1321.80.
by the new year:
weight--165.
bank balance--$2000.
wish me luck.

gonna go work on my model. it's a '58 plymouth that looks just like christine. I love it.

How I Spent My Saturday:

4:30--woke up.
5:00--got up. showered, dressed.
5:30--leftover beef stew and phone calls.
6:00--antiques roadshow on pbs.
7:00--wondered why I watched antiques roadshow.
7:15--went to the new big lots. disappointed; thought it'd be bigger.
7:30--tate street. wrote, read, drank coffee.
9:30--video review, bi-lo.
10:15--watched gaslight. great flick. someday I'm going to try and drive someone insane, just for kicks. better stay on guard, josh.
12:00--watched chinatown. even better. despite my hatred for faye dunaway.
2:15--philosopical contemplation. henry rollins: hotter clothes on or off? (off won, but tough call)
2:45--net surfing and general ennui.
3:15--said "idaho" to myself and laughed.
since then--international espionage and intrigue.

tomorrow, naked housecleaning! see ticketmaster for time and venue.

it's been a trying evening. I noticed when I came into work today that catherine seemed sort of down; jack said that she and gary had some kind of argument. she'd mentioned before that she and gary scrapped a bit, but it had never sounded major--that is, she had never sounded concerned. well, one look at her swollen, cut hand and how slowly she was walking made how major it was pretty clear. in fact, he told her that if she tried to leave him for good that he'd put her in the hospital.

michelle spearheaded an effort to get her to get the hell out. we all threw our support behind her, believe me. so catherine made some calls, snuck home and packed, quit o.d., and left on our 12:30 break (can't say where she went; not here, where certain bastards could stumble across it). the goodbye scene was tearful and huggy. but it's about friggin time. even if gary had been a pussycat, the relationship had become more of a liability than an asset. if it had ever been one.

as happy as I am for her, I can't help feeling miserable. for months I've spent more of my waking hours with catherine than anyone else, and consider her one of my closest friends now. well, she'd better keep her promise to call, dammit.

and the whole thing reminds me of just how tricky these situations can be. I say this: if you have never been in an abusive relationship, you do NOT know how you would act in one. it's easy for so many people to say, "man, if my boyfriend/girlfriend laid one finger on me, I'd be gone." would you? would you really? thankfully I've never had to make that decision...and I don't know how I'd decide.

in closing. at old dominion she was always catherine, to everyone. but she said once that she was always called cathy before she was with gary. she only changed because he didn't like it. so to my friend, wherever you are tonight: as soon as you left that office I hope that you became cathy again. and that you'll never be anyone else.