just back from taking james to a luxuriously trendy lunch at ganache to celebrate his graduation this evening. sure hope he gets a job in the boro so he can make it back on a permanent basis!

my new favorite phrase: "wholly unconcerned." I think that many of my issues with people can be chalked up to how wholly unconcerned they are. an old inside joke phrase remembered today: "sturdy peasant stock." I hope that I don't look like I come from sturdy peasant stock, but I very well might.

raise the alarm. I'm out of adderall and my prescrip is a.w.o.l. time to ransack 4109.

I'm putting my budget into effect on monday, which means this weekend I have to blow some frivolous money. I'm passing through durham on saturday, which means a trip to southpoint is in order for that purpose. nordstrom, pottery barn, and banana republic are gonna love me. well, they'll at least like me. I can't blow that much.

on my way back from wv I finally gave the decemberists' castaways and cutouts a thorough listen. my opinion: on the surface they have an excellent, well developed sound ("cocoon" is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard), but lyrically I have to take some issue with them--actually, a lot. it sounds like colin meloy went by barnes & noble, picked up an sat study guide, and said, "hey! let's see how many of these vocab words I can work into a song. hell, how about every song!" come now, mr. meloy. did you really think that mentioning catacombs and petticoats would dupe hipsters into thinking that your songs actually mean anything? well...in light of the stellar reviews given to this record, I guess he did. I genuinely enjoy hearing the decemberists. I'm just a little so-so about listening to them.

I'm in bauman, naturally, and the girl next to me is totally looking up stuff about freemasons. that's some scurry shit.

I really ought to run back by the apartment. when I left carra was lying on the living room floor, and I was in too much of a hurry to ascertain why. hope it's not lumbago. lumbago'll getcha every time.

the mountain air has prompted me to spew forth still more random bushwah:

molly ringwald would have much more appeal if the media referred to her in thick german accents as "fraulein ringwald." actually, it'd be nice if the media referred to her at all.

I've been having many dreams lately involving bathtubs, for no reason that I can fathom. although I think that dream dictionaries are ridiculous and hokey, I had to look this up. apparently it signifies being preoccupied with a member of the opposite sex--or, for me I suppose, the same sex. I don't feel preoccupied. hmm.

as much as I dis bluefield, there's always been some unidentifiable thing about it that makes me happy. yesterday I realized what it is. the sun shines brighter here. I can't explain it. not only is the sun brighter, colors are more vivid. I'm sure it's all in my imagination, but college avenue seems a helluva lot more visually alive than brassfield road.

although speaking of dissing bluefield, can you believe that there exists not a single establishment in a town of 15,000 people where a person can go to fax a document? well, I felt like going to blacksburg for coffee anyway.

turning to page 653 of the stephen king collection four past midnight brings one into the novella "the sun dog." two references are made to john delevan's car, a ford. on 655, the car is referred to as a chevy. I'm getting sick and tired of inconsistencies in literature. don't even get me started on harry potter. much as I love 'em...holes. full of holes. if the prospect of getting an english degree didn't make me want to drink iodine, I'd become an editor.

on a final note, if gilbert godfrey and fran drescher ever had a child, it would have the most beautiful voice in the world. for some reason, it would just work that way.

a late night stop by bauman on my way home. I'm pissy because I only got 45 min of overtime at work tonight versus the 90 min that some people are racking up as I type. dwanna quit though, yay! she was really starting to annoy me. and, all things considered, anyone who bitches about nc having just moved from wv is probably a trifle off the latch.

also, time to comprehensively list the funny things that have come up at work: berea, sepulveda boulevard, medicine balls, nathan lane (a street by that name), guam (repeatedly brought up by michelle), a company that's just called "grainger," the mendenhall school of auctioneering, the big chair and the TWO big dressers (there are two?)...there are more, but they escape me. and of course they're all things that only I and my non-co-worker cohorts can appreciate.

I find myself getting weirder by the day, and poor carra's getting the brunt of it. she's had to listen to my rants about the improper assignment of the word "lodger" and why tapioca is confrontational. we also had a great conversation about possible superhero powers. in addition to bryan's "no reservation man" we came up with the ability to stop ceiling fans, to turn into hitler upon entering a car dealership, to force people to buy you culottes (that's mine) and to identify harvey keitel (that's hers). also, richie zweigenhaft can make people go to the left and emily stewart can--of course--make people believe that they are silly fashion rabbits.

charles called to apologize via voice mail. I must endeavor to ring him up tomorrow and say "well...okay."

josh stopped by today; he was in town to have dinner with kelly. I almost missed him, though, as I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. dammit, I've got to stop staying in bed all day. well, for the first time in my life I can at least justify it.

had a lot of nervous energy last night and drove to sheetz for an mto. why does the closest sheetz have to be in virginia? worse than that, why is their food so dangerously addictive? mmm...buffalo chicken. ate my cup o' fryz driving back to gso and watching the sunrise.

I neglected to mention that carra has taken the baby and gone home to mother. read: she and fanny are at home in alabama until tomorrow, have been there since saturday. it sho has been a quiet week with even the cat gone. although it's given me time to bond with my new pet. he's a fish. a betta. his name's caspian. I like caspian. but honestly, how much can you (legally) bond with a fish?

visiting the 'rents this weekend is a definite. mom has promised dinner at cuz's on saturday. let's hear it for restaurants housed in converted dairy barns!

let's hear it for letting! let's hear it for us! let's hear it for it! let's...jeez, I need help.

another week drawn to a close. nothing fascinating to relate, really. the job is going quite well. next week I start working overtime, but for $15 an hour I won't complain too much.

I may be going home next weekend, depending on whether or not the following monday will be a good time to go to the dmv about my tags. woo. exciting.

oh, but this is exciting...got a nice little package in the mail on wednesday. yup, bartleby has arrived! I've watched it several times already, naturally, and it keeps getting better. although watching it before work is probably a bad idea...

charles has decided that he hates me, for no immediate reason other than I let our engagement slip on sunday. he harbors so much resentment for me; it's really unfair. I understand that ending our relationship hurt him, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I feel that I can say these things honestly about myself: I'm a good and loyal friend, a generous person, and emotionally supportive to those close to me. I don't think that any of my friends or family would deny that. charles is so wrapped up in my not wanting to be around him every second that he's become blinded to any good qualities that I--and our friendship--have. but if he's going to be that immature and petty about things, I guess we're better off keeping to ourselves. although I am disappointed that I'm no longer appointed the best man at snow white and the raptor's wedding. sigh.

I want to take advantage of my night off by being social. time to get on the phone and pester people to that effect.

zzz...zzz...spent four hours cleaning up the grossness that 4109 had become, made a teeter run, now I'm on my way home to get some shuteye. carra and emily are out--emily came for a visit, but is having bad cramps that sound like appendicitis, so it was off to wesley long with them. sure hope she's ok.

had coffee with the heathers at tate street today. found out that heather #1 makes $13.50/hr at wrangler. that's quite good, but as she doesn't have a roommate to share expenses with I imagine we're on similar economic footing. made me feel good about my job.

all the real girls was even better a second time, if that's possible. and I love the neighborhood in w-s that the stevens center's in; hundreds of people mill around a couple of charming square blocks downtown at night, going to clubs and sidewalk cafes. I thought we'd warped time and space and wound up in europe somehow. next month audrey tatou's latest film is playing there. although it got mixed reviews, I'm totally gonna go.

I was supposed to go hiking with charles today and overslept. then we were supposed to watch a video and I got preoccupied. he probably hates me, but I really do appreciate him as a friend. it's just tough to give everyone the time I know they deserve when I work all week, get tired out, and sleep all weekend. hopefully I'll start to manage my time more effectively soon. it's like I told carra the other night: routines can suck, but at least when you have set times to do the shit you don't wanna do you know when you'll be able to do the shit you do wanna do. that doesn't make much sense when I look at it, but it worked for carra when I said it.

I came into this computer lab instead of the other to avoid talking to fernando, dammit, then he comes in here and gets all up in my kool-aid. whafuck?

anyway, I've got sushi to eat before slumbering.

ah, weekends at last have some meaning. it's mighty peculiar not to be heading off to work, although I'm shortly heading off to winston to make a last ditch effort to see all the real girls at the stevens center with james. viva el triad.

although, speaking of work--and I'm sure this will pass in time--I'm enjoying my job a lot more than I feel is appropriate. I tell myself, "dammit, you're a freakin billing entry clerk," but honestly, I can't help liking my work! everyone I work with is so nice, and for some reason the billing itself is kind of addictive. scott is auditing our work; I got my audit last night. he says I'm doing a great job, and I'm getting my stuff done faster than any other trainee save one--and she's been doing billing for nine years. so all's well at h.q.

know what's really good? the frozen california pizza kitchen pizzas. I had a bbq chicken one tonight. mmm. good stuff.

eric mentioned a possible party soon (actually, given his boston accent, it will be a paaaty), to which I am invited. mmm. good stuff.

I think that I should use the lawn in front of 4109 to set up a maypole. then I'd like to have all my friends dress in white linen and come dance around it while fiddlers play on the lanai. I'm feeling very feudal lately.

also, is there some kind of mental illness that compels one to listen to the spin doctors? because I think I've caught it, and it's not pretty.

just a brief jaunt online before heading off to h.q. work is good. there's a lot to learn--I actually had dreams about p.o. numbers and consignees last night--but once I get the hang of it I think I'll quite like it. I even get a cubicle; it's very office space-core. scott, my supervisor, is a real nice fella but seems to fancy himself a stand-up comic. not a very good one, alas. one guy I'm training with, eric, is a pleasure to gaze upon. gay?...maybe. probably not, but could be. a few blips.

carra actually talked me into watching an episode of buffy with her last night. what will I sink to next.

josh is coming tomorrow for dinner...I think?

gotta run to get coffee and victuals so I can stay peppy and cute this evening.

yawn. I be all tired and shit. picked gabe up at the airport around two. we hung out at both 4109 and tate street before picking up james and heading over to super buffet. took them by h.q. (old dominion freight lines' international headquarters, that is) on the way back. we went to see man on the train at the carousel. s'ok; it didn't blow me away, but there was some great cinematography and it held my attention well. gabe is now snoozing on the sofa, resting up for his 1 p.m. departure on the morrow. it's been a nice little visit.

carra is on some serious pain medication. I literally haven't seen her all day. once in a while I hear a little bustling from her room, though, so she's at least alive.

first day of work is tomorrow. well, first day of training anyway. adios, bumdom! I'm sure I'll be pining for it within a few days.

random plunge into introspection--ever look at your life, feel that everything's pretty satisfactory, pretty much in place, then think: "something's missing?"

me too. wonder what?

I hope that indep day treated everyone kindly. carra and I had ourselves a nice lil beach blast at wrightsville. leaving at the ass-crack of dawn paid off; we got the last empty space in my preferred parking lot and spend the rest of the day answering "nope, sorry" to the many "are you leaving"s we got from anxious sunbirds. the rays did a number on carra, though, as she's laid up with yet another nasty burn.

lemme tell y'all, though: I've never seen so many half-unclad beautiful people in one place. I drove carra nuts by oohing and aahing over all the eye candy. poor us; we're trying so hard to understand each other's taste in the opposite...I mean preferred...okay, taste in men. not to sound shallow, but when my brain/hormones are scoping out a sexual partner, personality, intelligence, etcetera don't enter into it. if I wanted to discuss tolstoy, I'd be hanging around the library. after all, sex basically just amounts to people giving each other physical pleasure. it shouldn't be equated with friendship or intellectual compatibility, least of all love. separation of sex and emotion may seem callous, but they are only intertwined due to societal constructs. if that makes me a neanderthal, give me a friggin cave (and ixnay on the west virginia/cave house jokes).

james talked me into renting my favorite year tonight. great, great flick, kind of soapdish meets the dick van dyke show. and with more of a feel-good factor than anything I've seen since amelie.

I've had it up to here (envision hand held above head) with caterpillars. absolute swarms of them have taken to loitering outside my front door. I kid you not; we're talking hundreds. I finally sprayed the bastards tonight. if they keep showing up, I'm marching into the leasing office and throwing around the word "exterminator" until someone gets me one. no longer will walking up to my door cause nauseating crunching sounds.

if I'm ever even remotely famous, I'm going to be arrested for cavorting naked in a fountain in some major city, preferably nyc or rome. hell, I might do it even if I'm not famous. it's just such a devil-may-care, classic way of getting thrown in jail.

my beloved cedric is a fine auto indeed, but I'm ever so dismayed by his gas mileage. well, that's the price you pay for being able to blow the doors off mustangs at traffic lights. er, not that I've tried.

as late as it is, I've got housecleaning to do. gabe is coming into town tomorrow, probably around two, and damn do I have my work cut out for me. by the way, if anyone from the board of health asks for my address, tell them you've never heard of me. at least for the next day or so.

time for venting. the bravo television network has decided to participate in america's continuing and unwitting (?) endorsement of minority stereotypes by green-lighting a tv series entitled queer eye for the straight guy. in said series, five infinitely stylish urban queers make over the wardrobe and pad of a straight everyday joe.

I shouldn't even have to say why this is an affront to me. but I will. why does this show have a shot at success? because it plays into the belief of mainstream, heterocentric america that homosexual men are concerned solely with appearances, superficialities, and trends. furthermore, it feeds the representation of gays as city-dwelling white males (and all five members of the "team" are white). while it is certainly comforting to know that the viewing public has been deemed comfortable with the inclusion of alternative lifestyles in the media, shows like this and--yes, even the all sainted will and grace--are more of an irritation to me than a comfort. they show no diversity, no variation within a minority that is intrinsically all inclusive.

my primary concern: the role models that the media are giving to young homosexuals today. you see, it's fine to be gay, but only so long as we function as chic european-american paragons of fashion and good taste. we gel our hair, we shop, and we club. there are certainly thousands upon thousands of closeted teens in this country on the verge of coming out. and for all too many, this is what they come out to. by limiting portrayals of gays to vacuous, sophisticated fops, we are creating them.

last semester I attended a panel discussion on gays in appalachia. I spoke about myself a little, and how I've actually benefited from a rural upbringing. there is no club scene in dubya-vee-ay. the nearest banana republic is two hours away, and prada is simply a word in a foreign language. granted, backwoods towns mean backward thinking, and being gay in them ain't easy. but in absence of that superficial urban scene, I was forced to form my own identity. it's made it a little difficult for me to interact with most gay men, but I have no problems interacting with people in general. which is the problem that we're forcing upon homosexuals: we give them a niche to gravitate into, a comfort zone that isolates them in many ways from society. like pretty, gucci-clad birds, doing their tricks on the tube to entertain the masses and train each other to do the same. not a pretty sight.

sorry to be a bit militant. but dammit, sometimes I like getting riled.

oh, and a happy fourth to all!

updates.

I got the job. that's a beautiful thing. I start training on monday. not a lot more to say about that, but needless to say I'm quite pleased.

the car I mentioned was sold before I could get my hands on it, but I found and purchased another car identical to the one I previously described--only dark gray with black leather. his name is cedric (first car I've ever had that's obviously been a guy). he's very sexy.

I also had a great time with my parents on sunday. take note: I always hate to give chain restaurants ringing endorsements, but that night I had the best italian food I've ever eaten, no contest. if there's one near you (josh, this one is in pineville by carolina place mall--if you ever want to go I'll drive the 2 hours from here to eat with you) set off at breakneck speed for buca di beppo.

I try to make it a point never to speak ill of the dead, but within the past two days we've lost both katherine hepburn and strom thurmond. you get one guess as to whom I'm more broken up about.

sorry for not having updated in a few days, but every time I've tried of late blogger has been updating their system. or something. anyway.

the interview last night went really well, BUT--we were all told that about 15 candidates would be competing for 8-10 positions. instead, over 30 of us are fighting for 6. so the outlook is somewhat grim. but man, what a sweet job it is. any workplace that lets you come in wearing whatever you like and actually encourages listening to your discman while you work is excellent.

I'm growing very weary of the anne geddes babies. I want to develop my own series of baby photos that simulate wee ones shooting up heroin, wielding sharp objects, flipping off the photographer, etcetera. not because I encourage deviant behavior in chilluns, but because I feel that the market for such imagery is vast. enough other people are anti-geddes, I think. I hope.

I've picked out a car to buy, a 2000 nissan maxima. silver with gray leather, 29k miles. the 'rents hit town on sunday with veronica to try and negotiate a trade. sniff, sniff. but I suppose part of me is a little psyched at the thought of getting new wheels, however much I adore the old.

tiffany called the other evening; sho was swell hearing from her. she's all about hitting frisco together and splitting an apartment, a winner of an idea. no, not an idea...an idear. we'll just see what the future holds.

josh stayed over last evening on his way to d.c. we watched man of the century, a very interesting film. if you've got a weakness for 1920s culture, I recommend it.

no coffee all day and I'm about to swoon. better hit tate street asap.

what an incredibly neutralized day. only two things of note have happened:

good news received--I go in on thursday for the follow-up interview that I mentioned, which is wonderful. jobs are great. money is great.

bad news received--I have to trade in my car. so much money is being poured into the repairs, and the mechanic says that it's only a matter of time before one electrical snafu after another starts happening. keep this in mind, potential vw buyers. granted, most people would be overjoyed at getting a new(er) car, but I feel as if a doctor has told me, "your daughter is just too sickly. best swap her for another." but best to be practical, suck it up, and choose a reliable-if-boring japanese something-or-other this time.

I really do need to stop eating sour gummi candy all the time. that has nothing to do with anything, just a note.

I have no idea what happened to the past few days. such a blur. I understand why yesterday was...I'm a big fat bum and went to the friggin beach again. stayed up all night sos I could get there early, ended up getting there later than planned to find that there were no parking spaces. anywhere. ended up parking across the bay and walking a hell of a lot. by the time I got back to gso last night I was delirious with fatigue. I actually got lost in town trying to get home; I shouldn't have even been driving. but I learned the hard way about the parking. be forewarned: anyone's welcome to come with me when I go to the seaside, but I'm leaving by 6:00 a.m. at the very latest. period, no exceptions.

still haven't gotten to see all the real girls again. but it's still playing, so this week.

did see network tonight, finally. great flick. verrrrry disturbing.

carra has finally returned, devoid of much sunburn and full of piss and vinegar as before (non-southerners: that means she's mischievous, it's not a bad thing). good to know that she wasn't permanantly touched in the head by bonnaroo badness.

oh, my aforementioned interview went quite well. I'm hoping that I'll be contacted for the follow-up interview within a couple of days. see, they need 15 or so people to do this job, and so far only 5 candidates have passed muster. so I feel fairly confident. I'd really love to get this job as it pays $10/hr, which is more than others I've tried for. though it's sad, that kind of money seems like a fortune to me now! also some other interesting job prospects on tap. my outlook is somewhat brighter, although my bank balance is perpetually somewhat lower.

have I bought the new harry potter book yet? naturally. no midnight sale for me though; wal-mart had plenty of copies left when I went early on saturday, although I've heard that many places sold out, so I guess I was lucky. not sure how I feel about it yet--I'm about 200 pages in, and it just seems that harry's gotten very...crotchety. but that's a teenager for ya.

so off to do some reading. don't take any wooden galleons.

news from the bonaroo crew: carra's back home in al until saturday. she had to go to the hospital after getting first and second degree sunburns and passing out. not good. also, ashley left her keys and wallet in carra's car (she came back with emily et al), and is mildly hysterical at being stuck in nc. she's coming to the apartment tonight and carra's supposed to ship her purse here overnight. yikes.

wonders never cease--I have an interview tomorrow. keeping the old fingers crossed once again.

so all the real girls is now playing at the carousel. I'm totally going tonight to see it again.

I'm losing weight at an unhealthy rate; I just haven't been eating enough. think I'll go out for dinner for a change.

for once "whooooaaa, back's on fire" is my theme song. I realized that I'd probably just end up sitting around the house yesterday, so I decided to sit around at the beach instead. I spent a full day soaking up sun and playing in the ocean at wrightsville. although I applied spf 30 liberally and took proper breaks in the shade, I lay on my stomach for a bit too long. so the entire back half of my person is a wee bit red. but it was a great idea to go; I think I'll start going once a month or so when weather permits. also, when I went into downtown wilmington for some kickass crab cakes and sweet tea, I discovered nun street. that street automatically rules.

I was so proud of myself for becoming a neat freak upon moving into 4109. y'all should see the place now. if you could even get in the door, that is. no excuse not to clean up--gotta do that later.

oh, I just realized that mom's prophecy about being employed by yesterday was completely wrong. but since I'm checking back with a job on monday I won't get too cynical.

today's randomness: I decided yesterday that sunflowers are vulgar. I dunno. they just are.

that last entry was pretty crack filled. sorry bout that.

last night was a good one. tracy and I had a nice talk; I didn't know we had so much in common, it's pretty crazy. she left for alabama just after ashley came to stay over. there was drinking of tequila and watching of telly. oh, and I answered the phone when alan (tracy's aforementioned ex-b/f, but they're still friends) called the apartment for a chat, which he often does when he's sloppy drunk. I'd never personally spoken to the guy in my life, but he went on about how wonderful I was and how he wanted to visit and hang out. although claiming complete hetero status, he'd be "willing to make certain exceptions." it was hilarious and oddly touching. but then I've always been a sucker for affectionate drunk guys...sigh. let's not get into all that!

know what I like? ground fog on moonlit meadows. it's so sensual. if I ever do make films, I'm working it in.

know what I hate? people who criticize other people for being spoiled by their parents. I swear, I'm about sick of it. few spoiled kids ask to be pampered. granted many of us grow up ignorant of certain productive values, but it's unfair to chastise us for it. I've gotten the "spoiled brat" rap all my life, and I don't deserve it--simply because I never ask for more than I need. I often get it, but I can't stop my parents from being generous, although I have tried time and again. wanna call me spoiled? I'll be glad to give you my 'rents phone number and you can tell them that you disapprove of the way they take care of me. to all my fellow brats out there--just be as self-sufficient as you can. show the fuckers up. to all those who've ever dissed decent folk for being spoiled, get your freakin noses out of the air and tend your own gardens. our credit cards, our nice cars, and our nice toys don't hurt you a damn bit. get over it.

anyway. my plan for the weekend is to get tan. will keep everyone posted.

oh, and a couple new links on the left. because everyone should waste time online the way I do.

warning: useless rant ahead

I don't know why, but I have never been able to tolerate beach music. I heard a radio ad for a beach music festival in va today and it gave me a headache. I'd rather be seen in public with gilbert godfrey than attend such a travesty. and I always have a hard time explaining to people who aren't from the southeast what beach music is. it's not even an allmusic.com genre. contrary to popular belief, the drifters aren't beach music--not enough horns, and the rhythm isn't exactly right. spiral staircase is closer but not quite...and who knows who they are anymore? I just tell people, "think lots of trumpets, involuntarily snapping fingers, and torture." why I think shag is such a great movie I'll never know.

warning: toffee-nosed treatise on 20th century culture ahead

seeing singin in the rain last night was marvelous. a reminder of how much I love 1920s culture. by far my favorite decade.

the 50s were mass induced complacency in the wake of war. bring on ike and the automatic dishwashers and rock around the clock til we fall asleep in our twin beds and what could really go wrong in the suburbs? pass the instant mashed potatoes. please.

God love 'em, but the 60s were a somewhat simpleminded reaction to the blase 50s. america is boring, let's fix it! let's protest things, anything! let's make a difference! let's rebel! but let's smoke up first, maybe drop some acid. woo...yeah...avoiding reality is fun. hey...weren't we going to do something? never mind. does anyone have a guitar?

the 70s. uh huh. the decade that made pointing your finger in the air a valid dance move. at least in the 20s people wiggled them. and who wants to wait in long lines to gas up an amc gremlin when they can fill the stutz bearcat with ethyl at leisure?

and enough has been said about the 80s. money, hair, "new coke" and the powdery kind. and what were the 90s, anyway? the decorate-with-candles decade? the ace of base decade? pass the latte bong, fellow downsized gen-Xer. it's time for friends.

the 20s weren't perfect. they lacked foresight and they ended badly. but they were all about living for the day and living for yourself, and they made no bones about it. and the fact that people could still have a good time in spite of all the nastiness--prohibition, the red scare, teapot dome--might show a lack of social concern, but I also see it as strong evidence for the decade's individualism. the 20s gave us fitzgerald, sinclair lewis, t.s. eliot. count basie, cab calloway, the carter family. the lindy, the ghandi, and the talkie.

can you get running boards for a vw passat? 23 skidoo!

just killing a few minutes before josh gets here and we go to barbecue/singin in the rain. job hunt today was kinda 50/50. but again, in fear of jinxing anything, I'll withhold details until more is heard.

tracy (carra's sister) is passing through again tonight; apparently a falling out with her bf is forcing her back to al. -abama, that is. but she's great to have around.

fanny used the litterbox! here's hoping it sets a precedent.

laura's 19th birthday; gotta give her a call. she has a job. but she's a telemarketer. not that there's anything wrong with that, but if she was CEO of fingerhut or something I'd be resentful. wait a minute...

I am, however, jealous of carra for going to bonnaroo this weekend. lucky bitch.

I dunno what is with today, but traffic's horrible. I'd better shag ass, as it could well take several hours to get back to brassfield.

and in case y'all haven't heard...

bernadette peters did NOT win the tony for best actress in a musical!

what kind of world do we live in?

I have yet to post about the newest resident of 4109. she's an adorable kitten that carra has christened fanny (for the song "the weight"). problem: we cannot housebreak the damn thing. she prefers carpet, tile, anything to her litterbox. any advice would be welcome, or else fanny will soon be out on her...well, herself.

speaking of cats, I saw a children's book the other day with the greatest title/cat name ever: varjak paw. if you know why that name is so brilliant, then you rule. if not, ask me sometime.

am getting very tired of spherion's excuses. applied for four more jobs, and am going out on another citywide hunt tomorrow.

my time at home was nice. lots of eatin and sleepin. I don't do quite as much of either here, so maybe gso is the best environment for me, all things considered.

got the first 'leccy bill for the apartment. only $36, which is great news for both carra and myself.

I should really eat, or something. haven't done that yet. yeah food.

thought of the day: the anna nicole show is the best thing to hit tv since color.

quote of the day: "mark my words--by the end of the week, you'll have a job." - mom
will keep that in mind.

day of the day: prince's birthday. let's go crazy.

back to gso tomorrow. la de dah.

mom's coming down the walk with a bag of bellacino's grinders. that's definitely a reason to sign off!

a fun little online quiz:

answer the following questions with song titles from your favorite band
(mine are belle & sebastian, naturally)

are you male or female?
a space boy dream

describe yourself
freak

how do some people feel about you?
expectations

how do you feel about yourself?
it could have been a brilliant career

describe your boyfriend/girlfriend/interest
I don’t love anyone

where would you rather be?
ease your feet in the sea

what do you want to be?
my wandering days are over

describe how you live
sleep the clock around

describe how you love
the boy done wrong again

share some words of wisdom
fuck this shit

back in blueworld. really needed to escape life in 4109. still no job news, not even any word from freakin blockbuster video. am I that unemployable? also, as cute as the kitten is that carra brought home, I'm tired of cleaning up its messes, especially since she seems to always crap on the carpet when I'm making food. maybe it'll have started using the litterbox by the time I return.

speaking of returning, I'm so worried about getting work. I've done some major priority reevaluation lately. I initially thought it'd be worth it to work a crappy job and pay my own bills if I could be in GSO with my friends. nope. don't think so. besides, I can't even seem to get a crappy job, much less a nice one.

as much as I'd hate to do it (and as precarious a position that it would put josh in), if I can't find something halfway decent by the end of the summer, I may just have to come back and live here. for my bank account and my sanity. I'm really trying to find a job, though, because that's the last thing I want to happen. I'm not asking for an executive position, just something that doesn't involve asking about super sizing. but I think I probably will find something...won't I?

furthermore, I've become so much more aware of the necessity of job security that I'm strongly considering applying to doctorate programs in clinical psychology again. not that an advanced degree in psych would guarantee work, but it would be a more sure thing that film. sigh. we'll see.

back to "e true hollywood story: rosie." gotta love this life.

back in blueworld. really needed to escape life in 4109. still no job news, not even any word from freakin blockbuster video. am I that unemployable? also, as cute as the kitten is that carra brought home, I'm tired of cleaning up its messes, especially since she seems to always crap on the carpet when I'm making food. maybe it'll have started using the litterbox by the time I return.

speaking of returning, I'm so worried about getting work. I've done some major priority reevaluation lately. I initially thought it'd be worth it to work a crappy job and pay my own bills if I could be in GSO with my friends. nope. don't think so. besides, I can't even seem to get a crappy job, much less a nice one.

as much as I'd hate to do it (and as precarious a position that it would put josh in), if I can't find something halfway decent by the end of the summer, I may just have to come back and live here. for my bank account and my sanity. I'm really trying to find a job, though, because that's the last thing I want to happen. I'm not asking for an executive position, just something that doesn't involve asking about super sizing. but I think I probably will find something...won't I?

furthermore, I've become so much more aware of the necessity of job security that I'm strongly considering applying to doctorate programs in clinical psychology again. not that an advanced degree in psych would guarantee work, but it would be a more sure thing that film. sigh. we'll see.

back to "e true hollywood story: rosie." gotta love this life.

back in greensbohemia after four delightful--albeit tiring--days. best to summarize those days as follows:

Lists--The Chicago Trip

A. Ten Things I Learned on the Chicago Trip
1) Long road trips (17 hours up, almost 20 back) are a blast, at least if you're in a comfy car with cool people.
2) Indiana is large and boring and very confusing when you're trying to establish what time zone you're in.
3) Toyota Camrys get ridiculously good gas mileage.
4) The ending theme song from Wild Things is by Morphine.
5) Berea, KY is even more wonderful than I'd thought possible.
6) Brynn rules. I mean, I already liked her, but now I'm aware that she rules.
7) Yoga mat notwithstanding, sleeping on sorority house floors is a rough way to go (not that I didn't appreciate it).
8) I shouldn't try to get around interstate tollbooths by driving directly through major metropolitan areas. It's not clever; it's just being a cheap bastard.
9) Playing air flute is much funnier than air guitar.
10) I should look at grad school options in Chicago.

B. Five Things That Make Chicago Superior to NYC
1) Kickass pizza
2) Less image conscious
3) Gorgeous Lake Michigan
4) MUCH cheaper
5) Downtown area is cleaner and prettier to look at

C. Five Things That Make Chicago Inferior to NYC
1) Sloooow public transport
2) Freakin cold
3) Somewhat less nightlife
4) Street system makes less sense
5) Um...I can't think of five (see List A, Item 10).

D. Ten Funny Things Between GSO and Chicago
1) Stinking Creek Road
2) Gourmet popcorn farm
3) Man o' War Boulevard
4) Slush Puppie warehouse
5) the Knoxville Sunsphere
6) fallen rock painted and dressed up beside road
7) KFC museum
8) water tower that says "Florence Y'all!"
9) water tower that says "[forgotten name of town] (for pete's sake!)"
10) Berea in general

E. Ten Things I Did in Berea
1) Got coffee (twice, once with scone)
2) Stayed at Days Inn
3) Drove
4) Used toilet (various times)
5) Smoked cigarette
6) Was a streetcorner tough
7) Bought a hoodie
8) Showered
9) Hung around college campus
10) Took motel pamphlet just because it said "Berea" on it

the picnic was nice. it ended up just being me, james, carra, and charles with some kfc in the park, but it was good. the weather's still nippy, but pretty enough. ended up coming back to 4109 for tequila and movies. watched harold and maude for the first time in a while last night. I had forgotten how powerful it is; it's the kind of movie that changed lives upon its release and still does.

I have absolutely got to find a steady job. being kept in suspense by spherion is not helping my sanity or my wallet.

segway into: lately I've felt like my life has become a complete vacuum. seen groundhog day? than you have some idea of how I'm existing. I've gone through periods like this before, where absolutely nothing happens. but as living off-campus is less conducive to random events, could this vacuum last indefinitely? although I'm happy with my social life, it's still markedly limited compared to what I'm used to. I guess it just takes some time to adjust; not working has made me feel isolated as well.

up until now, I think part of me has believed that my new situation was only temporary, that I'd go back to the same-old same-old at guilford before too long. the novelty has worn off; the apartment has become more of a fact than a toy, and I've become steadily more aware of how much is going on in the world around me. emphasis on "around."

not that I'm unhappy, exactly. I couldn't be more pleased with my roommate, my home, and my friends. I'm just...numb, and upset with myself for not being more productive. that will change.

anyway, time to nudge my chin a little higher and keep on doin what I'm doin.

no beach yesterday; tia had to work really late so we've put it off til another time. fine by me. I was able to conserve some money, at least, which I've been trying to do. although I blew $10 today on the hipster handbook at barnes and noble. it's hilarious but also scary, really--I have hipster characteristics that I didn't even know were hipster characteristics. if you like a good chuckle at the expense of indie kids, give it a look-see. it's deck.

hope the rain has stopped for good. have planned a memorial day picnic for tomorrow for eight or so people to be held at battleground park. well, if it's nasty we can have it indoors.

heather has yet to be in touch, but I'll give her a day or two before I harass her. I sure would like to hear, though, whether I have a shot at the wrangler job. just to cover all my bases, I'm picking up an application tomorrow at--gulp--blockbuster. of course on tuesday I can call the wonderful folk at spherion to hear how dismal my situation is there. I'm starting to believe that temp work ain't for supporting yourself; it's for bored hausfraus who are sick of the junior league. hooray for bachelor's degrees.

now that I've checked, the skies are supposed to clear up tomorrow. maybe some sunshine will brighten my outlook a little. it could use a bit.

oh! and! very, very good news:

the dvd release date for bartleby has finally been announced for july 8.
by the same token, the special edition dvd of duel is AT LAST coming out on august 12.

have I pre-ordered both yet?

what do you think?

well, I've been up for two whole hours now. I thought it might take until at least july for carra and I to start feeding each other's craziness, but no. we stay up until dawn every night just bullshitting, but last night it degenerated into both of us lying down and smacking ourselves in the head with our feet making "meeeeeeehhhhhhhhh" sorts of noises. not that I'd have it any other way.

had a nice night out with heather last night. we saw a mighty wind--granted it's not as good as the other christopher guest flicks, but it's definitely and absolutely worth seeing. then to coffee, then to ny pizza for $2 guinness with heather #2 and a crew of their friends. get this: so there are openings for interns doing various computer things at wrangler. the pay's $10/hr, it's full time, and I have experience with the right software. heather's going to tweak my resume so the suits there will like it. granted it's probably just a summer opportunity, but it would be reliable work until the fall. I won't hold my breath, but we'll see what happens.

which brings me to spherion. nothing yet. memorial day weekend and all, they weren't expecting anything and I shouldn't have been. but it's frustrating. I'm still only one very small step removed from unemployed. hence the wedging feet into other doors.

the forecast for wilmington metro is clear skies for tomorrow, so atlantic ocean here I come, provided natia is still free. as much as I value time to myself, I don't want to expend resources just to hang out at the beach by myself all day.

speaking of the beach, I think I'll go eat dinner.

sorry about the unprecedented few days of not posting; I'm sure everyone's been heartbroken. so I got the spherion job, whee! my computer testing was enough to counterbalance my lack of experience, thankfully (who knew that I could type 83 wpm with no mistakes?!). I call tomorrow to get my first work assignment. although I hope this one's fairly short-term--I still want to go to chicago w/josh, and will certainly do so provided that I'm not workin. I'm not thrilled to be working as a temp, really, so I'm keeping my eyes peeled for other opportunities. but as long as I get the rent paid, and it ain't food service.

sidenote: I went for some coffee after leaving spherion's offices. can I just say how many weird looks you get wearing a tie on tate street? especially when you pull up in a big honkin suv?

addendum to sidenote: I miss my car, but it should be ready shortly.

carra is also employed as of yesterday! she begins work tomorrow, at fye. speaking of josh...

last night was good. emily, tom, and charles all stayed over. there was much drinking of rum to celebrate the end of involuntary gabin' in 4109. charles conked out early, so I was a gracious host and let him have my bed while I couched it. before bed, though, carra and I sat on the lanai (patio to you non-golden girls fans) and talked until almost 6:00 a.m. about a little of everything. loved it.

natia and I are headed for the coast on saturday, provided the weather's fine. haven't been to an nc beach since I was a toddler. should be a hip-hoppin good time.

time to go shopping for a computer desk. I'm so sick of sitting on the floor to print out resumes.

I was contacted today about interviewing for a position at spherion. spherion is a staffing firm, so I'm not certain exactly where I'd be working. nor am I exactly certain what the position in question entails. I know only that I have the basic skills required for a full-time job which pays in the low 20s per year. come tuesday at 2 pm, we'll find out.

had dinner at backstreets with nicole, then tagged along while she bra shopped at vickie s. she's quite stoked about med school, which I understand. ah, to have such direction!

the poltergeist in my parents' house has been particularly active since I've been here. I'm puttering around my room when a round rug--which had been wedged firmly behind a bookcase--rolls out on its edge and circles into the middle of the floor. yesterday a stack of videotapes randomly fell.

for those of you not familiar with the house's history, the original owner was murdered and his daughter later died here (in my room). we're always finding things around the house that no one owns or has put there, like Christmas lights and pairs of jeans. the antique clock upstairs randomly chimes, although no one winds it. there's one bedroom in the house that several people have refused point blank to enter, for no reason that they could name. a ball of blue fire once shot across the bedroom adjacent to that one. footsteps have been heard walking down from upstairs, although no one is there. and once I was awakened by a pounding outside on my wall, although my bedroom is one story up.

I love this house.

anyway, time for my reruns. if only the stupid dog would shut up barking; he only does it to hear himself. I need to look up the location of the nearest sausage factory and brandish the address at him.

I was looking at some recent (as in past few days) pictures of me tonight, and there's just no delicate way to put it. I cannot believe how fat I've gotten. stepping on the scales confirmed it; I weigh the most I ever have. I know not a lot of people think I'm overweight, but you'd be surprised how much you can hide under the right clothes. I'm not judging myself in terms of society, or in relation to any of my friends or family, but by my own standards. no more of this rampant snackage. diet time, hardcore.

and will some employer please contact me, if only to say "drop dead?" thanks a heap.

ah, the joys of "nature's air conditioned city!" I'm having a swell time watching reruns and scarfing crap. tonight I've managed to put away reese's bites, two hot dogs, some beef jerky, two popsicles, fruit by the foot, and quite a lot of gummi bears. all washed down with dr. pepper. my periodic intense cravings for dr. pepper are, like my attraction to david faustino, something that I will never completely understand. now I just have to decide if I want to start in on the hostess donuts and risk being violently ill.

Q: why is tv land the best network ever?
A: macguyver reruns. I really have to get cable at my apartment.

funniness at wal-mart tonite: there was a very trailer trash chic couple in front of me in line. in addition to their groceries, there was a leopard print negligee for her (I suppose) and a pair of iridescent blue boxers for him. I had to choke back an urge to walk up, nudge them, and mutter, "send me the reprints, ay? ay?" upon going to my car I spotted them sucking face in their s-10 pickup.

I can only hope that their case of dog food won't be a factor in their exploits.

got an e-mail from letter arts book club today. the position I applied for has been filled. sigh. well, it wasn't one I wanted much anyway. still. I keep having to tell myself, "you're not a bum. bums don't actively look for jobs." I figure I have enough socked away to sit on my ass all summer and wait for the perfect job to come along, but I just can't do that. come june, mickey d's, here I come.

think I might pour another pepper and take a bath.

STILL haven't gone back to bluefield, but I honestly do plan to tonight. I've just had so much to do, straightening and organizing. and be proud: I've applied for so many jobs that I can't remember what they all are. I'm absolutely perfect for the content editor position at thedepot.com; I meet all of their requirements and their "pluses." let's just hope they see it.

ran into heather and her friend heather at tate street yesterday; they talked me into dinner and drinks at the exchange. I didn't know "other heather" very well, and it's often difficult for me to talk with new people. but when she started tossing back martinis and parliaments and brought up saddle creek records, I knew it would be just fine. hope I see more of both of them.

that encounter was also great in that it helped allay my fears of post-GuilCo loneliness. I've been so scared about the campus-GSO social transition. but so far no prob. of course, having such a wonderful apartment-mate helps.

there were sketchy workmen installing the new linoleum in my bathroom when I left. hope they finish by the time I get back.

finally I'm pretty much shut of campus. lots more moving today, more than I'd thought. the car's still full, but I'll have a lot more energy to empty it tomorrow.

the drive to raleigh with beth was great, though. her visit was so much fun, like nothing had changed since she left two years ago. and dammit, she'd better come back for some more chillin ASAP!

speaking of driving...I put one big motherfucking dent in the car today. driving around to the front of the campus apartment I absentmindedly sideswiped the light pole. the entire passenger side door is dented in and scraped. I'm going to ask mom if I could trade her the passat for the 4runner for a while and she and dad could take care of the car's cosmetic and mechanical needs in the meantime. otherwise I'll just put it off. veronica, I'm so sorry. you deserve better than me.

I hear tell that there are full time positions open at both the rhino times and the jamestown news. but I heard that rhino has strong republican affiliations, which I wasn't aware of. can anyone confirm or disconfirm that? because honestly, I'd rather work at mickey d's than for republicans.

carra and I had a superb dinner tonight at sushi rock. best raw fish I've ever eaten. a little on the expensive side, but I will absolutely go there again.

started reading a confederacy of dunces today. totally hilarious. all the characters are chronically irritable and complaining, kind of like myself and my pals. and someone's accused of being a communist on almost every page.

also stopped at cd alley today for a quick browse; on impulse bought a used copy of the starlight mints' dream that stuff was made of. my indie snob review: what pavement would sound like if they were an elephant 6 band. my non-snob review: the best album I've bought in a very long time. go get it.

I'm actually getting around to driving back to wv tomorrow, so I'm gonna head home for some sleepage. the earlier start I get, the quicker I can get to the dq for a chili dog.

well, that's it. I'm an alum (and I don't mean the funky powdered stuff that makes your mouth pucker up). graduation was bearable enough; hot as hell, but tolerable. many nice checks/cash sums from relatives, and lots of good visiting time. I guess it was because I was just so tired, but it was rather anticlimactic. tomorrow, after a "good" night's rest, we'll see how I feel.

for now, I've just come back from a decent hildebrandt party. I was in a bizarre mood, all tipsy and yelling funny things. I enjoyed it; for my last real guilford party, not bad. I did see the everlasting aforementioned crush though--the one I discussed my feelings with--hanging onto the titsy chick again. how do I feel about him? I certainly like him. a lot. I certainly find him attractive. scintillatingly so. but...love? it's fair, I think, to claim love when you've known someone for four years. but in my experience, I'm not sure that I can pin down just what love is. at any rate, I'm glad to have a week at home. I need to put it behind me. out of sight, out of mind. we can only hope.

beth, ali and I left the hildy party and chilled out by the lake. I drifted in and out of consciousness, watching the stars and the light on the water. it was beautifully quiet and introspective, just what I needed tonight. and you know what? this is a difficult thing to express in words...but I feel ready for whatever happens next. just like that. watching the sky I started to feel stronger, to feel less afraid of the future. I know it's cheesy, but I feel ready to give a new life the old college try...well, the old post-graduate try. wish me luck; hope it's not just the sloe gin talking.

gotta get up at 10; giving beautiful beth a ride to the raleigh airport. time for some schluffy.

God, let me stay positive.

as I need to be at jake's diner for breakfast in about four hours anyway, I have given up on bed. so much the better for a pre-graduation, sappy, introspective blog entry.

I know a lot of fancy words. I can even spell some of them (otolaryngologist--eat it, baby). but nothing in my vocabulary can express the glut of emotion I feel upon spending my last night at guilford college. as often as I find fault with my school...only to be mine for a precious few more hours...it's not half as often as I'm willing to kiss the long brick path leading up to founders hall in sheer, utmost gratitude. I owe my parents a lot. I owe my friends a lot. but nothing touches the debt that I am in to guilford, and we're not talking about student loans here. if not for this sometime-hellhole of higher education, I don't know who I'd be. and, believe it or not, I like who I am. for the most part, anyway.

from first-year laundry sack races through second floor binford to the drunken staggerings of senior year, it's all been worth every fucking minute. I've gone from being a tommy hilfiger obsessed skaterprep (bleached blonde and all) to...well...to someone very different. more grounded, yet somehow more focused on fun. more idealistic, yet more cynical. comparing 1999 jeremy to 2003 jeremy is so absurd that it's almost pointless to try.

so much water under these bridges. I've loved and been loved, loved and lost, loved and never had. I've tried things that I never would have considered in high school. I've developed the sense not to try things that I once considered. and most of all--God yes, most of all--made the best friends that anyone could ever wish for. some of them are true veterans, there from day one. some are recent acquisitions, and some have faded into sepia tones. and I wouldn't trade any of them for all the sushi in l.a.

I know what a paradigm is now. I know what peppermint schnapps tastes like. I recognize the glory that is cook out at 2 a.m.

and that leads up to the worst part. it's 3:52 a.m. at the moment. in roughly eight hours I will no longer be "jeremy the guilford college student." that's something that I take great pride in being, something that defines me. and I have absolutely no idea what my next identity will be. but whatever it is--for the rest of my life--it wouldn't be possible without these fabulous four years.

I thank the greatest family anyone's ever had. I thank my friends (see preceding description). I thank God.

and I thank Guilford.

next entry: "real world jeremy."

good night.

one more thing. looking back in my archives I realize that I first started talking about slipcovers almost two months ago. I finally got some. so I'll never mention them in this journal again.

for the past 24-odd hours, I have been possessed. I have become completely overtaken by my desire to get the apartment completely and perfectly squared away. after superhuman efforts, however, it's pretty much done. but here's everywhere I've been during this past day (parentheses are for times visited):

Target (5)
Wal-Mart (3)
Garden Ridge (2)
Linens n' Things (2)
Dollar Tree
Ben Franklin Crafts
Lowe's
Home Depot
Herbie's (hey, gotta eat sometime)
BP (hey, gotta smoke sometime)
Pier One
K-Mart
CVS
Walgreen's
Bed Bath and Beyond

all. in. one. day. but it's been worth it.

tonight's the big final senior party. I hope that everyone focuses enough on having a good time that we don't get all mushy.

gotsta run some errands (including a haircut, hopefully) before grabbing some dinner.

great party this eve. 731 had a power hour. I'd certainly call it a successful one from a personal standpoint: drank much, smoked much, kissed two people. OH...and...'fessed up to my crush. told him what I thought of him, for how long, and insinuated that we should see more of each other after graduation.

his response: "aww! thanks!"

not the romantic interlude that I'd dreamed of, but nice. at least if he A) comes to his senses and realizes what he's missing or B) gets desperate, he knows how I feel. and it certainly is a weight off my chest. speaking of chests, I think his attention was taken up by a hot chick with visible nipples anyway. upon noticing this I attempted to make mine more prominent by holding shana's beer against them. this worked, but she must have had something else I didn't. a vagina? well, if that's what he was in the mood for, I guess I'll just have to concede.

went to the apartment tonight to drop some things off and almost had a heart attack when I saw that my light was on. it was carra, sara kate, and catherine all high and into decorating the apartment in the most tacky fashion possible. we're talking plastic buddhas, gummi bear lights, and cheesy picture frames here. all as a joke, mind, and a very funny one at that. I love my friends!

I'm on my second packet of ramen, which means I should probably go to bed. shana and I may go to the beach tomorrow, so I should rise early.

okay, so last night's posts were just a little negative. bad mood--I honestly don't feel like throwing myself off the top of the jefferson pilot building today (although if it meant seeing that uber-riche social club that's up there, it might be worth it). I ended up sleeping until sunset today; all the better for my all-nighter. carra and I are both busy bees this eve; she will be joining me for an IHOP run this morning. then it's off to the mass media final, then to move in to the new apartment!

I was hard on a lot of people last night, too. to all: I apologize.

ali's sister jessie's here, and I'm glad. even in the hour or so I got to spend with her tonight, she's been more fun and talkative than I've seen her yet. even better that she's here for an entire week; it'll be great to get a chance to really get to know her better.

I'm fresh out of adderall, and that ain't good. hope I'll have time to get my prescrip filled at cvs before the exam at noon. whee!

not the greatest night in the world.

having such a nasty evening, I thought it might be nice to have a sleep in my good old bed at home. I drove to my house and found rick upstairs in his room, dad in my parents' bedroom, mom on the couch to escape dad's snoring, and all of laura's things in my room (home for prom). mom woke up long enough to say hi when I came in. and to offer me the other end of the couch.

I promptly drove back here. although I shouldn't have driven in such an emotional state; I'm sure that the cop who ticketed me for doing 79 in a 65 would agree (good thing he didn't see me doing 90 in the fog). but I made it alive, whatever that's worth.

which has led me to realize that I really shouldn't go to my parents' house for a week after graduation. it's time to just let it go. whomever said that you can never go home again was right. you can, however, go and be just another guest in your 'rents guest bedroom (formerly known as yours). I just don't want to deal with that.

now it's off to bed back here in nc.

by the way. in case y'all haven't figured it out, please choose your words to me carefully for the next day or so. I don't know how much more negativity I can take.

in light of the "inferno test," here are my thoughts on Heaven and Hell:

as a Christian, I firmly believe in both. I do not, however, see Heaven as a place where harp-wielding cherubs circulate or Hell as a place where fiery tongues snap at the flesh of transgressors. I think that both are relative; otherwise, our souls would give up their individuality upon death, which I don't think happens. whatever your personal Heaven or Hell is, that's what you get.

I don't know exactly what my personal Heaven would be, but I think I know what Hell would entail. it would be remarkably like my Heaven: a beautiful place with unlimited resources and potential. the difference? I wouldn't be able to enjoy it, and somehow it would be my fault. I would be surrounded by happy, sensible people in full control of their lives. I would be given great opportunities for money, relationships, all that, only to squander them unwisely every time. I'd be forced to wallow in the misery of my character faults and innate stupidity. sort of like my life of late, haw haw.

anyway, it's all about the psychological torture, knowing that I'm more senseless and foolhardy than anyone else. because I think that's the most important aspect of Heaven and Hell--always being reminded that your afterlife is your own life's creation. that can be either the ultimate punishment or reward.

"and after setting all that to paper," quoth the boozy pseudo-philosopher, "I decided to go to bed."

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

I'm dead on my feet, but can NOT go to sleep without blabbing about wilco first. the show was phenomenal, one of the best I've ever been to, and I'm not alone in thinking so. sarah stringfield bought ali's ticket (she was sick) and went with us. off we went to asheville.

had a great dinner at a downtown noodle shop, then over to the orange peel--a great venue, pretty big but insanely nice and without a bad place to stand. joseph arthur opened, and he was very impressive--a kind of one man folksy radiohead. the crowd was pretty responsive to him as well.

then wilco. I had hoped for either "monday" or "heavy metal drummer;" that's all I asked of the entire show. they played both. "red eyed and blue," "sunken treasure," "misunderstood." many that I didn't know very well, which I liked--gives me incentive to listen to them more. all were amazing. and the crowd was a great one, very welcoming and appreciative. they knew they were loved. only down side: most obnoxious drunk guys ever in front of us. but nothing short of a random sars outbreak could have spoiled that show. to quote shelley duvall in "annie hall:" "transplendent. that's the only word for this, transplendent." mayhap.

so now it's off to sweet, sweet musical dreams, courtesy of jeff tweedy and his fellow "queens of electrocana."

I'm leaving for asheville to see wilco in seven hours, and I should try to sleep for at least part of that time. but my sleeping patterns have become wonky again, so we'll see.

tonight I went to the gay/lesbian cinema students' presentations on drag. the first was a performance by this awesome drag queen who dressed up as tinky winky and lip synched to "I'm coming out." the second was a documentary on guilford students' views on drag and transvestitism (mostly positive, naturally). both were interesting and informative, not to mention thought provoking.

see, for some reason I've always found drag queens intimidating. it's funny to say, but the idea of going to a full-on drag show has always made me uncomfortable. I think it's because female impersonators are comfortable with their sexuality in a way that I've never been, fully willing to acknowledge their effeminacy. I spend too much time worrying about not seeming masculine enough while these fabulous gals embrace their inner queens. it still makes me feel threatened, but after enjoying tonight I could see myself learning to appreciate it.

in addition to frisco and nyc, I've been trying to come up with another area to consider for post-guilford schooling. I'm gravitating back toward boston, specifically because of emerson college. the school focuses entirely on communications. they offer both b.a. and b.f.a. in general film studies and graduate programs focusing on different aspects of filmmaking. students get access to all kinds of great technology, it's absolutely filled with pierced blue-haired freaks, and has the #1 college radio station to boot. I think I'd like it.

it is so hot in this apartment that I think I'm going to croak. can't open my window--no screen, and I hate mosquitos so much. the a/c is on, blowing lukewarm air. it'll be fun trying to sleep in this. but in case anyone wants to know, due to the heat I'll be doing so in the buff. bring your sketchpads, tap on the window, and prepare to be blinded.

I'm feeling self-absorbed at the moment...

Trivia About Me That People Will Eat Up If I'm Ever Rich and/or Famous:
I always eat jelly beans two at a time. the pair must be of the same flavor. when I chew them, I alternate sides of my mouth.
all my fingernails are permanently ridged from a high fever I had as a baby.
first cd I ever owned: the b-52's, cosmic thing.
strangest physical "talent:" clapping one hand.
I'm descended from scottish royalty (word to my homies in edinburgh--Deus juvat, baby!).
my career goal was once to be a Presbyterian minister.
I'm terrified of helicopters.
I'm fascinated by building demolition.
and finally, there are few things in the world that make me happier than lemon sorbet. very few.

my escapades are sometimes so absurdly useless. today was charles' b-day, and I thought it might be nice to get him something dinosaur related from the discovery channel store. so off ali and I went to w-s, where we ended up buying him a book at borders. we also drove for almost 30 minutes looking for the four star cafe, where I love to eat, only to discover that they were closed on sundays. but I sure as hell got some dippin dots at hanes mall, and that made it worth the trip.

ali and I also watched "she-devil" on amc today. twice. it's so great to know that there's someone else as strange as me in the world. or is it?

my car has to go in the shop now, as the "engine may soon explode" light has come on. I abuse my car almost as much as my body. which brings me to what I was thinking about tonight. think about your body as a separate entity from your actual being. then think of all the shit we put our physical selves through. it actually makes me sad. if the amount of respect I give to the people in my life was only equal to that which I give my body, I'd have no friends. I need to stop smoking, eat more sensibly...and at least scale back my drinking. here's hoping that this summer can be a time of reinventing myself.

which leads nicely into my new series of goals:
1) get buff enough to feel comfortable being nude on camera
2) get a part in a bruce labruce film
3) become the next bruce labruce
this guy is my new idol--he's managing to achieve cult status really quickly; gotta love exploitative gay post-punk art films! click here to check his stuff out, but not if you're a prude. actually, go ahead if you're a prude. do yourself some good.

the bulk of today will be spent recovering from last evening's adventures. I am referring of course to the much touted wqfs party. was it a success? yes and no. in the grand scheme of things, absolutely. our place was absolutely packed, as much as I've ever seen a guilford apartment. it was impossible to move in the living room, and the ramones tribute band went over really well.

but I should have been a little more responsible. I didn't feel like I was drinking too much, but I'm not used to beer and it hit me incredibly hard. as a result, I behaved like a complete idiot for a couple hours before retiring early to my room and being most violently and putridly ill. also, the plan for last night was to fess up to that long-term crush of mine, whom I never saw. all in all, I did have a lot of fun, it just wasn't the night of my dreams.

I'm wide awake now but still feeling nasty, so I think I'll lie down and sip coke.

well, back to normal. or some semblance thereof. lots of sleep today; also, began the clean-up for tomorrow night. course we'll just have to it again, but oh well.

james lunderville is in town visiting, the sweetheart. he stopped by for a chat, and will be in attendance at the qfs party. talking to him always leaves me with a strange sense of self-satisfaction. I guess it's because I asked him out and he turned me down, yet it's never stopped us from interacting on a completely normal, friendly level. that's unusual, in a very good way...shit. I just realized I asked him out over two years ago. time does fly.

oh, the festival went well. after the first film all but two people left. but they were a great two. and now, except for taking a little final and writing one solitary play scene, MY SEMESTER IS OVER!!! which means that...college is over. that's so weird.

before I lapse into complete sentimental goop, I'm goin in for some shuteye.

I opted to skip out on sleep in favor of finishing all my scholastic shit. probably not the best course of action when recovering from an illness, but at least I'm out from under my work. and I got some yummy stuffed french toast at ihop this morning.

I'm about to wrap up my one-act play. it's called "see the bunny." it is an utter piece of crap. but huey really liked where it was going, so I've kept on with it. but reading it makes me want to barf. such melodramatic middle school claptrap. that's what I get for writing from experience, heh.

the film "festival" is being held tonight. I'm also anxious for that to draw to a close. I hope I don't fall asleep during one of the films I'm showing. well, if I gotta sleep all day tomorrow, that's fine.

now that I'm no longer sidetracked by sickness or schoolwork, my worries are now completely focused on my lack of employment. I feel sure that the n&r position has been filled by now; have to get on the horn with my contact there and try to dredge up something, anything. I really hope I don't have to deliver pizza or something to pay the bills. you know, its a real shame how many people I know who are in my position: $100k educations and working in retail, if not worse. it's funny how long it takes to find out that bachelor's degrees--with the possible exceptions of business and education--aren't worth the paper they're printed on. so disheartening. "reality bites" should be shown to every incoming first-year. stupid of me not to see it until fairly recently.

last week I mentioned my mission to come clean to a long-term crush. said mission still exists, so here's hoping he shows up at the qfs party this weekend!

anyway, time to play nintendo or something for two hours until class. too bad naps don't agree with me.

illness-addled brain blurbs:

the standard of coolness by which everyone should be measured: the two old heckling guys on "the muppet show." if you can even come close to being that badass, you're doing just fine.

the only true idealists are virgins.

the 1977 tv movie "night terror," with valerie harper, is in fact the greatest film ever made.

in regard to gregory peck's behavior in "the omen:" if I'd been in his position, I'd have been more than willing to listen to alleged murder plots against my wife. even accusations of my son's birth mother being a jackal wouldn't have seemed too strange. but once someone tells me to go to jezreel and see the old man bukenhagen, I'm outta there. that's just too weird.

favorite classic crayola color: cadet blue. it's taken me 22 years to realize that.

things I classify as "genius" (that is, cleverness tempered by dementia):
1) orbitz (the beverage)
2) writing "linda" on everything in the bathroom
3) the international ramp festival (in wv, of course)
4) "sanford and son"
5) the dullest blog in the world

so it has come to my attention that I have every symptom of SARS. that's comforting. apparently it's starting to run crazy on college campuses--nicole's got it. given the 4 in 100 fatality rate, I should probably see a real doctor soon. if no improvement by thursday, I will. I did miss classes today, but there's too much to do to lie around being sick. film festival to organize, research paper to finish, etcetera. what an inconvenient time to fall ill.

time for something cheerful...let's see...nope, nuthin. my isolation from the outside world has left me bereft of any amusing anecdotes. once my brain and my voice start functioning again, we'll see.

blecch. last night at wal-mart I started feeling sort of woozy, so I went to bed pretty early. woke up with a swollen throat, nonexistent voice, fever, chills, aches, and lots and lots of sweat. lucy at student health thinks it's just a viral thing that I'll have to wait out, so we'll see. my temp was 100.2 at last check, whee! I don't think I'll be able to do class tomorrow, though, and have e-mailed profs to that effect.

more evidence that I'm held together with spit and baling wire: I was in the underground on saturday listening to josh play when a big chunk of one of my teeth just breaks right off. I wasn't even biting on anything. guess I'll have to get it capped.

I've basically just been sitting up long enough to let my bed dry out a bit--everything I've touched in the past day is damp--so I think I'll return to ye olde sickbed and maybe pick out some awful movie to watch.

a quick update--as it's been such a marvelous day. ali and I took carra up to hollins today so she could meet up with tracy (her sister) and ride back home. then back to roanoke for a drive up to the star, dinner at saltori's, and coffee at mill mountain. it was a delightful way to kill a day; would have been better if the weather had been nicer.

the plan for tonight was to chill out with a cheesy flick, but ali, josh and I ended up bullshitting for five solid hours about everything under the sun. I do love my friends. we've finally consigned ourselves to bed; good thing, as our radio show is in less than nine hours!

so one of our big discussion topics tonight was sex (what a shocker). my sexual theory: the bottom line is that sex is physical contact. period. sex can be an extension of other emotions (love, etc), but doesn't have to be. nor should sex be construed as evidence of emotional attachment. and most important--in any sexual encounter, the parties involved should all be aware of and comfortable with what they expect and what is expected of them. if everyone lays their cards on the table and is cool with whatever is going on, great.

in general, I just think that people read way too much into sex. it's societally constructed. there's no innate mechanism in the human brain that connects intercourse with interpersonal emotion. but over hundreds of years--thousands, I suppose--we've come to intertwine the two. that's why people are so prudish and guarded. at least, that's what I think. I guess that my views on sex are a little cheap, but I've become awfully jaded over the past few years. and after all I've been through with various and sundry people, I guess I just can't help feeling sorry for people who make sex into a big deal. it's just not realistic.

I'll tell you what else isn't realistic about sex. the prospect of my having any in the near future. I guess I'll just have to pour myself into my research paper...which I still have to do...

presentation and paper complete, huzzah! celebrated by finishing off the southern comfort I had left over. went to the suite tonight where I hung out with the customary beautiful people plus a couple of delicious men that I had not hitherto encountered. it was a fabulous night, although it's left me feeling hideously oversexed. well.

speaking of oversexed, decision: a certain guy that I've had an on/off crush on for over two years is going to hear about it very, very soon. I just need to catch him around and partying this weekend or, at the very latest, next. not that I expect anything to come of it...but I'll keep everyone posted.

I think ali and I are going to truck it up to roanoke tomorrow, for the simple reason that we have nothing better to do. hooray for fridays!

anyway, time to crawl into bed. alone. alone in bed. well, fuck. I need to get a hobby or something.

well, I'm sitting in bauman with half an hour til class, so I might as well post. I had planned an all-nighter, but ended up eating massive amounts of sorbet, watching a few minutes of "rushmore" (which I usually do), and falling asleep. so now I've got to finish my paper for jack this afternoon. whee. but other than organizing the film festival (which is next thursday), I'm pretty much home free after tonight. so if anyone needs a party pal, I'm your guy.

okay, there. I've posted. I have nothing more to say. perhaps I'll just play texttwist until my mind explodes. nah, not after all the work I've done for my 12:45 presentation. toodles.

but first...


You are Nino!


Which Amelie character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

you know, I realized today that it's been at least a week since I've genuinely given any thought to anything. I just haven't had any interest in getting work done, rounding up a job, or cleaning my disgusting room. the days pass by so quickly and never seem to amount to much. that's why I have my work cut out for me tonight--I have to start thinking so I can knock out a presentation and a paper for tomorrow. after tomorrow night I'll actually be able to get back on track, I hope.

speaking of my nasty room, it's amusing to me that I have three cups of iced coffee of varying age sitting fairly close together. it's like playing russian roulette. one will taste good, one will taste terrible, and one may bring about instant death. decisions, decisions...

my computer, fabulous though it is, lacks powerpoint. so I'm off to bauman. woo hoo.

I am completely wackta for not being asleep right now, but I've just been so keyed up from tonight. got everything ready to go to the postal service show just in time to leave. called ben gibbard on his cell phone (yes kids, I have his number, bloo ha ha!) to arrange everything but got no answer. hmm. waited around, talked to jenny lewis for a sec; she was a sweetheart as usual. but it was all good; the band showed up and let us in, even sans tickets--and the show was sold out.

so ben was a helluva nice guy. I was a little nervous and bumbling, but the interview went swimmingly. especially our conversation about putting slayer tapes in teddy ruxpin. got great pix of me with him, me with CEX (in which I'm poised to lick his deliciously sexy--well, CEXy--face), and of the show in general, which was GREAT. the openers, shallow be thy name, weren't actually as bad as their name suggests. CEX's set was hilarious as always, although he didn't do "the beehive song," which we really looked forward to. and the postal service was phenomenal. no stage lights, just projected video behind. and they finished by covering--get this--phil collins' "take a look at me now." I'm still floating from the experience.

although with two papers and a presentation due on thursday I'd better get my fucking feet on the ground. and my head on the pillow. God bless huey for not having class this week; I can sleep a wee bit later.

it's been a crazy couple of days indeed. backing up to friday: went to see the drive-by truckers in carrboro w/josh. opening band, leadfoot, was a brand of awful not to be believed. truckers rocked out hardcore, and played for almost three hours. we were exhausted but pleased.

yesterday: back to carrboro w/josh to see crooked fingers and spoon. debacle: I left my ticket at home, so josh and I were both going to buy at the door. sold out. after much dejectedness...well, let's just say it pays to know the right people to weasel you in. for free, no less.

the opening act for that show, fiery furnaces, was hilariously funny. crooked fingers did great stuff as always, although their guitarist really needs to take his ritalin--slow songs, fast songs, he ran around like a maniac regardless. spoon ROCKED, although the house (while jam packed) seemed sort of lackadasical. the lead singer is absolutely delicious. I then came back and hung out with my bryan hall peeps.

today: the 'rents came. co-signed for the apartment and took the crew out to dinner at liberty. had a very nice visit.

despite all this marked goodness, I'm in a really down mood. talking with my parents about graduation, the lease, and the job prospects reiterated that I'm not a kid anymore. maturity be damned, all I want is to be taken care of for a little while longer. it's not about money, or work ethics, or any of that. it's about not feeling ready to completely cut loose. if I had ever been a thumb sucker, it'd definitely be in my mouth right now.

also...and this story will sound convoluted, but I have to be vague...I was having a little online dialogue about life in general with some folks that I trust. I told them about something that had happened to me, what I thought was a goofy little anecdote that they'd find amusing. not a big deal. well, I came under complete personal attack. I was called "sick" and "juvenile," accused of having no morals. I was called every name in the book short of "republican." could it be that I'm not as intrinsically good as I've always thought? the whole exchange made me feel like a terrible person. I'd canvas the area for hugs, but it'd just raise too many questions. wow, that sounds funny. but it's true.

so the overall sentiment right now is one of extreme distress. I need to work--and come up with questions for tomorrow's postal service interview--but first I think I might need to take a drive or something. sigh.

it has now been approximately 37 hours, 24 minutes since I last woke from sleep on wednesday. I'm impressed with the success of this all-nighter; I haven't been exceptionally tired, although I've got a bastard of a headache. I'll probably pack in twelve hours tonight.

irene harrington at career development actually offered me some hope, woo hoo! she gave me some suggestions on cleaning up my resume as well as lots of local contact numbers for TV stations, radio, and publications--not that any of them will necessarily be hiring, but you never know. I did get a lead on one job that is absolutely perfect. the news and record wants a reporter to write for the paper's life section. the job description is exactly what I'm doing now on the guilfordian. I'm not holding my breath for it, but I'll push as hard as I can.

and on that note, I shall finally shut down for a while.

hooray for all-nighters. I didn't plan to stay up--I really didn't have that much work to do--but it just got past the point of no return (aka 3 hours til time to wake up) and I knew that it was a bit late to be considering sleep. purty soon I'm headed out to IHOP for their early bird special. and coffee. oh, yes. there will be coffee up in there.

josh and I signed the lease on the apartment, yay! and get this: it ordinarily goes for $660 per month and we got it for $599. sooo sweet. it seems like a wonderful community, and for even less money than I paid at lake's edge.

now if only I can get a job to go with it. I'm visiting the happy folks at career development at 10 today. please, please, PLEASE let them have some helpful advice!

that stint writing "warren street" (the short story) really whet my appetite for doing some creative writing. problem is, I've yet to have any more good ideas. typing out that fucker was seriously better than any sex, drugs, food, anything I've ever had. it's an addictive high, too. I just hope that inspiration strikes again; for now all I can do is keep paring away at "warren street." at least it's getting some much needed fine tuning.

word to the wise: whenever you get overtired to the point of hysteria, do NOT put "ride of the valkyries" on your winamp playlist. when it came on I doubled over laughing just long enough to be declared legally insane.

it's been a kooky day. slept in today, but made up for it by reading and taking notes on 150 pages, scheduling my appt. with career development, and writing parts of two research papers. oh, and. I had this random idea for a short story while I was out today, so I decided to come back and make some notes on it. I stayed parked at the computer until I had churned out a complete 2400 word story that I feel is pretty fucking good. could even be filmed someday. it needs work, but it's one of the best things I've ever done. not that that's saying much.

if only I felt so inspired to write my one-act play. I have to churn out at least one more scene before thursday morning. talk about something going nowhere.

oh, cassie called tonight! she might be coming in for graduation, and I hope she makes it. she's still without a job, although who am I to talk. I really, really hope that the career development folks sense my desperation and help me dig something up. at least I have my graduation money to cover my ass, but I don't want to have to do that. I'd like to start saving some money back.

I'm so sick of the nasty cold rain. o terrible clouds, I demand that ye lift!

I've been productive today; time for a break. specifically, time to write about the bizarre dream I had last night that first woke me up at 8:00 a.m. and continued until 2:00 p.m. or so (kept falling back asleep and it just kept going):

new year's eve. carra and I are at some dance club. I'm upset about not having anyone to kiss at midnight. a guy starts chatting with me: he's a little sketchy, but not bad. we make out. carra comes back and gushes over him being cute--while we're making out. I push her away--literally.

then we're at my parents' house somehow. he sleeps over. he says he's in love with me. the next day I drive him home (tazewell va). I realize that we didn't exchange numbers; I'm not worried, as we both know where the other lives. go back home where mom is making breakfast.

flash forward two days. find out that he's been in an accident and is dead. I'm in shock. his family contacts me; says that he was actually murdered and the accident was faked. I go to his house, which looks to have been burglarized. everyone suspects a conspiracy. then the funeral. for some reason my brother is there and is drunk. I can't bring myself to look in the coffin. his uncle approaches me and gives me a key. tells me that he (the dead guy) kept files on the computers at a certain business and that I should see them.

then: ali, myself, and some others are at the movies (no longer in bluefield). we slip away and take an elevator upstairs in the attached skyscraper. we stop outside the office that the uncle mentioned. the key unlocks the door. there are people working. we ask a woman if she'll show us the files. she agrees, but then realizes that they are confidential. we can see over her shoulder that they involve government secrets. we realize that we should have snuck into the office later, and that we are in danger. we get up to leave and are chased through the office.

we escape and get into the elevator. on our way down we realize that it has been sabotaged; the cable breaks. we pry open the doors and escape into a restaurant just as the emergency brake gives and the car plummets. then...well, we eat dinner.

flash forward a week or so. there has been an expose on the files; all the guilty parties have been arrested. I find out that the guy was a teacher at my elementary school. I go to clean out his office; all my old teachers are there. they think I'm going to replace him. I think, "maybe I should. I'd love teaching." I walk back out to my car (my volvo, for some reason) with the box of his things. I get in...and there he is. I realize that his death was staged, it's now safe for him to reappear, and we embrace.

talk about an epic.

found the car key! but...
_________________________________________________________________
murder weapons:
most romantic: hand-held crossbow
most clever: icicle
most classy: piano wire
(choices, choices...)

"some people are better off dead."
--bruno anthony, "strangers on a train"
(agreed)

fact: in states that utilize the death penalty, first-time murderers convicted for a "crime of passion" are very rarely executed.
(that's comforting)
________________________________________________________________

I could really use an outlet for my frustration...

a quote:

"it's amazing what a tranquilizer and some peach sorbet will do for your outlook on life."
--me, thought approximately 38 seconds ago

almost time for the QFS meeting. then back here to clean and shape things up.

I'm in such an "I hate myself" mood today. I'm really frustrated; I can't find my car key. it became detached from my key ring and now it's gone. I've exhausted pretty much every possibility in looking for it, and I don't know what else to do. my room is such a shithole, though, it's probably in here somewhere.

I'm just so tired of my inability to organize and keep things in order. well, maybe it's not so much inability as unwillingness. maybe I was naive, but I really thought that once I started taking adderall some of this shit would stop. guess not.

to top it all off, I have one of the worst headaches ever. I'm afraid that it's developing into a migrane. I'm just going to lie down for a while. sigh.

warning: extreme randomness ahead.

just got back from carra and ashley's. had some southern comfort and other things. we tried to get rapunzel to call paul, but to no avail. alas.

dream boy sighting: the pines. my reaction: "okay, calm down. pretend not to notice. talk to everyone. give hugs. act popular. be popular. then--"run away! run away!"

fuck, I need to let this go.

movies in chapel hill with ali tonight. "all the real girls." GREAT movie. totally me-core. but it made me feel lonely.

also: bonfire deep in the woods. everyone got naked. not me, though. but it was nice.

all the birds are on crack. but I guess they're springing forward, as we should. I need to go to bed, but the entire versace spring line is on my sheets. after I clear it off I'm crashing. perry blackwell, forgive me!

my bagel awaits. hooray for smoke flavoring.